Drifting

I feel like I'm drifting lately. I'm a bit out of sorts because of it. I don't know what I truly want in my life right now. So I drift.

I had a bf who was less than. He was too young for me and I knew that from the git go. But, I fooled myself into believing that he was the one...because besides the age thing, he was perfect...well right up until I committed to him. Then I saw he had put on this pretense of a person he wasn't to try and win my affections. It worked. And, it took months for me to realize he never really was that person I fell in love with. Yeah, he was too young and thus the reason for his pretense - a foolish young man's mistake. But I'm still sad. I loved the feeling I had when I finally let go. I was flying and feeling so good that I found someone to love. It was funny how quickly he changed once I was "his". He even admitted that he didn't think he had to try so hard anymore. The boy does have quite a bit to learn. But I guess so do I!

I don't really want a bf right now. I do but I don't. I want to be madly in love with someone and have them feel the same way about me. Have someone to get giddy over. .. who when I see their name on the phone come up, I smile and get butterflies. Who I can't wait to see again. The problem is it just hasn't happened to me and I don't feel like it's in the cards for me. I don't understand why. It doesn't seem fair really.

At the same time, I'm okay with it. I love hanging out with my friends and not worrying about the whole relationship thing. I like being able to do what I want, when I want and not worrying about pleasing someone else.

Add this to work being - well, just work. I dont' have a whole lot of ambition there right now. So, all of this makes me feel like I'm drifting aimlessly about. No real point. I mean really, what is the point? I don't understand why God has put me in this position. I don't really care for not being in a relationship. But, the effort required to find someone is just not worth it. It's fucked.

So I drift....