Closure

Perhaps I need to take a step back and explain. You see I don’t really have closure with PJ. He’s been impossible for the last few months. And I feel this installment needs to be written to tell you how we got here.

After his visit this summer, I was trying to plan some time together. I suggested Labor Day weekend and he mentioned he was busy the weekend after that and then 2 weekends later. I felt stupid for asking and told him so. He said we had just seen each other and he had so much else to do, but I shouldn’t feel bad. So, it all got me thinking. And this is a synopsis what I wrote to him:

I don't want a promise for tomorrow
For tomorrow may never come.
I don't need a lifetime commitment
For they rarely last.
All I want from you the here and now
And for now, to hear you.

You say you can do a relationship with someone who lives across town. How about you try one with someone who lives in another state first?

Figure out in your head exactly what you want. I need you to define that for me. As much as you need time alone, I need definition. The definition can change as many times as you like, as you figure it out, but I need some sort of definition. And, let me know if I'm bugging you. If you need more time to yourself or just can't think about something right now. Please just put it out there. I need you to trust me. To tell me what is going on in your brain, even if it is a confused mess. I just want you to share yourself with me. I figure that will be the most difficult request I have. And, I want sex. You know, if I'm throwing my demands out there. I want you to have sex with me. To let yourself go emotionally and physically. I don't want you to worry about leading me on. I'm pretty sure I understand exactly where you are coming from. I don't care about where this goes. I just want to be with you now. It will be years before the celestial bodies align and we end up even anywhere near a point where we'd even be considering living in the same city. So, why worry about that now?

A great deal said... in most a disjointed way. I figure you'll need time to process. But please answer. I know...I didn't ask any questions. :) Just give me a definition of what you want. Yes, you've told me before and I think I understand. But, please tell me again.

Two weeks later I had no reply. So I wrote:

It's been about two weeks and I've heard nothing from you - not even correcting my grammar and omissions in the last note.

I wanted to give you some time and space and I think I've done that. Perhaps you need more. But would really like to know where your head is at. If nothing else, tell me you want two more weeks to think. Because the only two conclusions I have drawn from your silence are I'm not important enough to you to think about or you just don't know how to tell me you just want me to leave you alone.

Still there was no reply, so I texted him. It pretty much went no where with him initially telling me he didn’t reply because he didn’t know what to say. I said he should have said that, it would have been better than nothing at all. And, he insisted that he didn’t think I really wanted that type of reply. REALLY? Can you fucking read? Okay so I didn’t write that but damn his passive aggressive behavior can be utterly annoying. So I asked him if I was important to him and he insisted I was. But he didn't know much else. That I needed to stop trying to analyze it out of him. Insisted he loved me but he had to do things sequentially…find a new job, move, etc. Then he said he had to go because he was tired. I gave him the all time feminine FINE and let it go. Then Sept. 6, I sent him this….

So what I've learned is you can only meet people where they are...obviously literarily but also figuratively and emotionally. Its part of the reason I've been pushing you so hard. I want to know where you are so I know what to expect. Also, so I can meet you there. So yes, I've tried to analyze it out of you. But I believe you need analysis...or at least to examine yourself and figure stuff out. I don't believe you can do it on your own, either. I know I can't and I think I'm not only brilliant (well, you know, learn things quickly) but also high emotional IQ. I try to examine and understand my feelings. But when you're all twisted inside, you need to hear your own voice say stuff and bounce it off people until it finally comes to rest in your ears in a way that causes your whole body to jump and say, "that's it!" I just don't think it is possible on your own. But, you've decided that is the way you will handle it. And, so you can't tell me what's important to you because you don't know because you don't know how/want to figure it out. Que cera, cera.

So that leaves only for me to tell you where my heart and head are. You know I love you. I always have. Part of me believes that is why my other relationships never quite worked out. Even through those years when I didn't "know" you, you were still my ideal. Not necessarily you per say, but you. I think you understand what I am getting at here. Is there another person out there that embodies all that you are, that could "replace" you in my heart...I don't know. I doubt it, but that seems somewhat naive for me to believe that. But I do know that I adore everything about you. It's weird...there are things that you do, that if other people did them, they would grate on my every last nerve. But with you, they just are part of you and therefore a non-issue. I really don't know how to explain it in any sort of logical way. Quite possibly because it's illogical. So yes, I know I love you and I don't believe that will ever change. That's my heart.

My head is quite a different story. You see, normally, I just let my head follow my heart. I like living like that. But in this case, I can't. Because you won't let me!! It drives me crazy thinking you are just letting time go by, missing out on grabbing what you can because you don't want to. But I know I can't do anything about it. I feel I can see so clearly what is going on in you - that you denied your feelings for so long, you wouldn't know the truth if it kicked you in the shins. You probably would fail to say "ouch". This drives me bananas. Not because of my own personal desires but because I love you and want everything for you. It just hurts to see you stuck. Just like with the girls, I want to remove obstacles and help you on your way, even if it means away from me. But I can't. I hate acknowledging this but I can't do anything to help you. And, I have to figure out how to accept that and accept that I don't even know how to meet you where you are. Because I don't know where you are. So my head says that the love in my heart is futile. It doesn't matter and there isn't anything to do.

So, this one time, I'll let my head lead my heart. It wins. You win. You don't want to answer me because you don't know what to say because you don't know how to find your heart. Maybe one day you will. Maybe you'll never feel the need to. But my head says there isn't enough love in my heart to help you find yours. So I won't pester you about it. You have no obligation to figure out what you want from me or to define it for me as I had previously requested. This is one of those cases that if you procrastinate enough, it goes away.

je t'aime.
Moi

And, that is where I left it. And, that is where it stays…over three weeks later no reply…not that I requested one this time. It is the only closure I have and probably the only I’ll get.

It tears my heart out and maybe it makes you realize how/why I’m trying to move on. I feel like I’ll find someone whom I can care for, who will care for me. There may never be that crazy love I had for PJ, but there will never be the crazy either. I’m sure at some point he’ll resurface in my life. But because he was careless with my heart and too scared to trust my love, my bet is at that time, it will be too late for me to want to risk giving my heart to him again. And, he won’t be man enough to fight for it. Even though I fought with all that I had for his love.