After all these years

I feel so blessed so happy beyond belief that PJ and I have found each other again. It is amazing to learn all about the feeling that he had along the way that he left unsaid, just as I had.

He told me how sorry he was the first time we let each other go. He said he only ever went away on purpose because he was scared. He regretted it almost immediately. He wanted to correct his mistake but by that time I was getting married. But still he never forgot about me. I never knew that. It's good I didn't because I might not have given that marriage everything I had...which I did. I have no regrets.

He also told me about the time ten years ago, when we said goodbye thinking it would be the last time we'd be that close. We hugged and held each other for so long. I remember thinking it wasn't over. That he and I couldn't be together right now because of our girls being in different states, but we would be together in the end. It's weird how I remember that so vividly. He remembers wanting to to tell me that he wanted me. That he wanted to correct his mistake; that he wanted to be there for me after we both screwed up our first foolish attempts. He didn't because I was living with my boyfriend and it wouldn’t have been right for him to mess up my life. Again, he was right. It would have been horrible for me to know that and not be able to act on that. I believed that he cared about me as a friend and was moving on. It made saying good bye easier.

Finding out all this is bittersweet. It is wonderful to know that we both have felt this way for so long and can now tell each other. But it is bitter because we screwed up for so long. And, knowing how we feel makes being apart all that much more difficult. I want to spend every day for the rest of my life with him to make up for the lost time. And, I want that to start now.

I've had a few times when I've been really down. It is amazing how he knows just what to say and do and how he wants to make me feel better. One night, I'm sure I was just tired and stressed. His patience and attitude toward my mood were so sweet. I told him I felt like he'd not want to be around me when I was like that. He asked, "What are you talking about? Why wouldn’t I want to be near you?" Then he said, "It sounds like just the time I should be near you. I thought the whole point of this was to there for each other when we’re a mess." When I told him it sucked that he wasn't there, he said, "Of course it sucks! I’m not sure I would be much use to you at the moment, though, unless I had some pizza." I told him people didn't always understand when I cried. And, he said, "What’s to understand? People feel sad, so they cry. How complicated is that? Crying is like the rain. You can’t stop it, but when it happens you can always stay inside and have tea."

I miss him not being here but I know he loves me and would do anything for me. I like how he tolerates my moods. I like how he takes care of me. I like kissing him! hee hee. I would have never imagined I would feel like this.... I'd say again...but I don't ever recall feeling so happy and so secure in a relationship in my life.

He knows me, understands me and still loves me!