Goodbyes...

It sucks. PJ was here for a week and last night I had to say goodbye to him. It seems to get worse each time. It tears my heart from my chest. All I could do today was lie about, cry, and sleep. Finally I took solace in a book. It's a good book so it has taken my mind off things. But, I have no energy to do what I should be doing....like packing for my trip next week. And, I have no excitement for things I should be excited about, like my trip. Not sure I'd be excited about the trip if it weren't for the melancholy brought on by his departure. But still, I am feeling entirely broken.

I am starting to wonder if this is all really worth it. I have never liked long distance relationships because they make me miserable. I hate being away from the person I care about. I hate not being able to curl up next to him at night. I feel like it turns me into a whiny person - that I am not. I also think they are horribly unrealistic. The time you spend together is a mirage. You have this limited amount of time, where you fill yourself with the other person. There is none of the stress of day to day life or any of the conflicts you would normally encounter. It's unrealistic. I'm not sure why I need real, but I do.

This past week was disappointing for me. I knew he'd have to spend time with his parents and daughters. That is what the trip was about. I couldn't justly be mad at him when he had to be with them. And, I did feel like I was intruding (not on the daughters but the parents). I wanted to spend every evening with him, just being able to hold him and wake up with him. But there were evenings where it didn't work out. And then the last night he was here, I was sick with a very painful UTI. I didn't even want to be held. That seems to be the theme of our relationship. Never quite able to be together.

He also disappointed me because he told me he'd do somethings for me this week and he didn't do them. I know he was busy and probably couldn't get to them, but he seemed to totally forget about them. I know he forgot to bring me the things from his home that he had said he would. It isn't about the things. It never really is for me. It's about remembering and keeping your word. It makes me wonder if he will always forget me like that.

He suggested we take a week for ourselves and go to Spain. While he was here, he bought a book on Spain and was reading it. It'd be nice to take that trip. But unfortunately, I don't believe it will happen. I want to believe in him. I truly do. But I don't.

I have trouble trusting...surprisingly so...ha. So, I'm struggling with trusting him not only of doing what he says he will but of truly caring for me. He says my name with such love and care, that when I hear it, for that moment, I believe wholeheartedly that he loves me and would give me the world. But, when we are apart, I struggle to believe it. I only remember the times when I touched his hand and he only stayed with me for a moment, pulling away.

I try to remember how blessed I am to have him back in my life. How much I love all the little things about him. How much we understand each other and desire to have each other. But, it doesn't help ease the pain that I feel when we have to say good bye. And, it makes me wonder, how much more I can take. Because on days like today, it seems it would be easier to just walk away from the whole thing, especially if each goodbye will get harder than the last.