Thoughts from the weekend

C2 is one of the best friends I’ve ever had. She came into my life when I needed a best friend the most. She says she did too and since we met at a church tea, we claim it was divine intervention that placed us together. I believe it.

There are many things that contribute to the solidity of our friendship but the number one thing is our ability to talk to each other about issues in our lives. She is the only person who knows everything I’ve been through. And, since she’s been through a lot too, she’s always listened with an open mind and sympathetic heart. I try to do the same for her. When I went to visit her this weekend we had many long talks. Some of them revolved around PJ's and my relationship. Sometimes just having her listen helped me to translate many of my feelings into verbiage. And, her insight and understanding of who I am made it so she could help me to even better understand what I’m feeling.

I don’t think I used to be as insecure as I am now. But the lying, cheating ex's betrayal destroyed me. C2 reminded me of it. I couldn’t believe anyone…even my closest friends. I had shut down and wouldn’t let anyone in. I was suspicious of everything everyone told me. C2 taught me how to trust again…it was mutual. No one else has that level of trust in my life. And, very few are given even 70% of it. So, it is no wonder I have trouble trusting PJ. And, the very root of the trust is my not being certain that he cares about me. I know he thinks he does, so it isn’t like I question his integrity…just his ability to really see me. Is he in love with some trumped up image he created from a past image?

The distance contributes to this issue. I feel like we need to spend time – day in and day out time together. I told C2 if PJ lived here and we were seeing each other regularly, then I’d have a better feeling about his caring about me. Of course, that isn’t possible.

I told her I’m afraid my insecurities will drive PJ away. Seriously, who wants to hear this stuff over and over again? Who wants to constantly reassure the person that they care about that they truly care for them? And who wants to be blown off because the person they care about is having trust issues and is sulking? So of course, I try to hide it the best I can. Again, I think that PJ and I being together would truly help this.

I think I've come a long way with the level of trust I’ve accomplished already. I've told PJ more than I've told any other man I've been with. And, he has responded sensitively. I never thought I'd do that. That alone is a huge step for me. C2's insight into me helped me realized why I need to be reassured. She pointed out that I was planning on moving to be with him. And while I had talked about moving to the west coast or elsewhere once Boo was ready, that was still a distant future for me. But the fact that I am willing to give up my job, an area I really like, and friends that mean the world to me to go be with him means I have to really trust and believe in him. She semed amazed I was thinking of it. And, of course, it contributes to the insecurity.

There are days when I am 100% positive about us. I know I love him with all I have and I am certain he loves me. I can tell by the way he says my name or looks at me. Those things can’t be faked. I would marry him in a heartbeat. Or if he said he never wanted to marry again and just wanted to live with me, I’d be okay with that. I would do whatever he wanted because all that mattered is that I could be with him. Those days usually occur when we are together and usually after the first day when I’m still feeling completely insecure about it. At those times, I feel like if Britt didn’t need me, I’d just start looking for a job and find a way to relocate as soon as possible.

If I think about it, the funny part is I don’t even know what he wants. I’m not even sure that he wants me to relocate to his part of the world. I think part of that is because he isn't sure how long he plans to stay there. But part of me thinks that he isn't sure about me. There are little things that make me think this…none of which are significant of itself (mostly just not following through on little things. not the things that matter but the lack of follow through). But they are there and they make me pull away. They make it so I keep him at arms length. Or even such that I want to run away from this whole thing. I told C2 I was terrified that I would allow myself to love him and then when he left I would be absolutely destroyed. C2 told me to just come to her and she'd get me all healed up again. I believe her but I still can’t imagine going through what I did all over again. And, I know it probably seems so ridiculous that I am this way. And, part of me doesn’t want to tell PJ because I don’t want him to be scared off or feel responsible for me. But, I know he’ll figure it out and even if not, he should know. So I told him. Now I wait for his response.

I’m never sure how much of what I tell him ends up scaring him away. I never really know what he is thinking and I hate to ask… it seems pathetic to me. But, I know if I know if I didn't tell him these things, I’ll just keep pulling away.