Silent Sunday

It's quiet here today. I'm glad too. I went out last night and got "get over the guy who broke my heart" drunk. Not that drinking ever solves anything but it does give you a time out from the heartache and pain. And, when I go out with my girls and I see all the guys checking me out, it does make me feel better. Especially, when the figure out I'm 12 years older than they thought.

Unfortunately, last night was plagued with much younger men. Our usual hot spot, with older guys was sadly disappointing in that aspect. Although, all the younger ones were checking me out, so it didn't disappoint there. We actually met two older women, who at first we thought were gay. Okay, so R was the first one to think it. I rarely go there, but they did look it. Then this younger guy heads straight for the older woman, hot to take her home...his friend tells us he has a thing for older women. The guy was cute too. I'm glad he didn't peg me for an older woman and head for my jugular, because it might have been a problem for me. I wouldn't have had the courage to turn him down. I know my ladies wouldn't have let me do anything I'd regret. The ladies were pretty cool. The type I could hang out with. I managed to get one of their names, but couldn't find her on the networking site. Bummer.

Any way, the quiet is good for my headache but not my head. I texted PJ last night and he didn't answer it. He didn't answer my last email, either. He did however send me one with a comment about one of my work projects. I'm not sure why he did that. I don't get him or how to act toward him. He has really broken my heart. I can't get over being sad by this whole thing and totally can't understand why he's done what he's done. I guess by my heart and head haven't figured it all out yet. All I can guess is he never really loved me. And, when the newness of it all wore off, he realized it. I wish he'd just admit it. why are guys so pathetic in that way. I kept asking him and you'd think it be easier when someone asks you for you to tell them. But he wouldn't do it. It seems unfair to me. But then again, it doesn't really matter. Because he doesn't want me and I can't do anything about it.

I'd like to say "next". But I can't do it right now. I'm too sad and hurt. I not sure I have the capability to dream about a life with someone again. It seems so hopeless. I like hanging with my friends and helping other people, but if that's all that's left of my life, it's pretty bleak. I can understand why my mom has pretty much given up on life. It's meant to be shared and she is so lonely. I feel so bad for her. Maybe when the child graduates, it's time for me to go home. At least then, I'll feel like I have a purpose.