Days are dragging

I haven’t had any communication with PJ for the last couple of days. I sent him a text on Saturday and got only one back saying he was visiting with his girls. That was fine. It’s a long drive to see them and long drive back. Sunday I dropped him another one and just one back saying he was at work. Nothing later from him. Now, it’s Tuesday and I’ve heard nothing at all. I decided I’d wait and see how many days he’d go without texting me. I figure if a week passes, it tells me bucket loads. It is torturing me.

I don’t understand him and how he can be this way. How can he turn his back on someone he loves? Or does he really love me? Why does he insist on pushing me away? I don’t think I’ll ever understand his motives or why he does this. I wonder if he realizes how much pain he has caused me. He always said he didn’t want to hurt me like my Dad and other men in my lives have. But he seems to have hurt me more. It is quite ironic.

I don’t know how to handle the hurt and sadness. I’ve been writing but mostly putting together “our story”. I think I need to do that in order to put it all in perspective. I’m not sure how I’ll ever get over this. I have no desire to date any other guys. But, I have conceded and gone out with a few. The results were utterly miserable. But, I needed to at least get out and try to start over.

Funny part is going into things with PJ, I had already resolved I was happy with my single life. But that was then…when R lived close by, wasn’t on shift work, there were lots of other friends around and we had tons to do. I hate absolutely hate, more than any other form of communication, Hate with a capital H, talking on the phone. And, that seems to be the only way she and I communicate these days. It sucks.

So, I’ve been trying to find other friends and things to do. I’ve managed to keep myself busy. But, it doesn’t seem to help. It doesn’t keep me from longing for this relationship. It doesn’t make his turning away any easier. I don’t think I’m going to get over this. I don’t think I’m ever going to heal and be able to trust again.