The big G

So the beautiful Christian Counsellor and I have been emailing.  Live is pretty hard for her right now.  I can't stand to see such a wonderful person suffer as she has been.  The Mother's Day gift we gave her has helped her to stay in the house she is renting, but she desparately needs a job..now!  It breaks my heart.  In our exchange of emails, I mentioned to her my disappointment and issues with the big G right now.  She asked me to expand on that idea.  So I did. Not the best of my writing but still, probably one of the first times I've ever written down all that I think on the subject.  Well, not all but a lot of any way.  Here is how it went....

Watch what you ask for….you might get it.

I’ve always had a little problem with believing in Heaven and the afterlife. So of course, God’s existence comes into question for me, too. It is all a matter of science for me. Like the universe has to be infinite, else what is on the “other side?” And, then relation of time to space (relativity). All of these physical phenomena make the existence of another realm seem plausible. And, there is Einstein’s belief in God. The man was far beyond most other humans when it came to understanding how these things work. Sooo…if he believes, then I should be able to believe…right? But still I struggle with it. I always have. Mostly because everything else on the physical realm, that man knows and understands, I can grasp - because my mind works that way. So this “other world” is where the doubt starts…has always started.

I follow Christ because I believe what he said was right. Everything he says, resonates with my being as being correct -to be honorable toward others, to treat others with kindness and respect, to not judge, understand that following rules (dietary, sacrifices, etc) doesn’t make you a better person. What Christ taught about how to behave toward others is logically and emotionally right (to me). So I can follow him. My reason for listening to sermons is to hear how other people interpret Christ’s teachings and how to apply them in this day and age. Following Christ’s beliefs has rarely been an issue for me.

My prayer life has always been weak. I figure this is because I struggle with the whole God idea and the fact that he actually listens, cares, etc. I mean, if he is omnipotent, then why does he care if we worship him, give thanks, etc. He knows He can do all. He doesn’t have human weakness of pride or needing reassurance. So why would He need us to worship him. Of course, the other aspect of the prayer life is it requires effort especially for someone ADHD like me. So, of course, I’m naturally weak at that. My prayers usually come when I’m sad or angry or desirous of something. I do try to give thanks but I never really feel “close to God” when praying.

When old Church shut down or now with last Church, and I find myself without a church, I am without the things that normally allow me some time with God. I love music. It moves me in ways nothing else does. So I love worship. It is during worship that I believe in God’s existence…music is related to math and math is perfect, as is God. So music is a gift from God’s perfectness to us. I guess I could play worship music outside of church and still worship Him, but I don’t. Same goes for listening to other people’s interpretation of the Word and how to apply it. So without a church, these things are lacking for me.

Searching for a church is awful for me. I hate going to places I’ve never been before. I hate sitting still for over an hour, when after 15 minutes I’ve realized I don’t want to be there. I hate having to feel like this weird stranger or have all these people try to make me “want” their church. I hate searching for a church. I have only gone to check out one church. I sent addicted Friend to another without me and her reporting allowed me to scratch that one off the list too. But, I’ve pretty much given up.

And, sadly, many Christians irk me (can you say Southern Baptist?). I should just say people irk me. But, don’t say you follow Christ when you obviously don’t seem to want to do what He asks us to do. I try to understand…we are human. We are not perfect and can’t do all that He asks. I don’t pretend I am better than others. I make mistakes. I struggle follow Him and do all that is asked. But, I still get irritated when others use His teachings to persecute those around them or just to do what they want. I don’t want to be around them.

So of course, when Christians annoy me or I lose my church or I lose my faith or I struggle with life, I get mad at God. I’m sure He is just as disappointed when Christians judge each others, or the failures of those who are claiming to follow him or with those who disobey and hurt others as I get when Britt messes up big time. I’m sure He is saddened and hurt by it all. But still, I get angry. It seems so unfair that there are those who try like mad to do what He asks of us – when people try to do the right thing each and every day…just to be hurt over and over again. It sucks and I know He doesn’t promise fairness in this world but still, every once in awhile, I’d like to see a little justice. Because I don’t really have a whole lot of faith in the existence of this afterlife where these people are supposed to be rewarded. I wish I had that. I wish I had a stronger belief that God really cared about His people.

When it comes to me, I try to believe He is looking out for me. It seems like when things happen to other people…things that would “for sure kill me” but haven’t happened to me, I believe in Him. I believe He protects me from those things but then I think, “Is this all the happiness I’m allowed in my life?” I can’t drive the desire to have a partner from my heart. The partner doesn’t seem to exist. There is this great big hole in my life. And while everything else around this hole is pretty well taken care of, the hole is all consuming. Despite all that I do, everything I try, the hole creates a veil of sadness over all that is good.

So, why, if He won’t fill the hole, why won’t he take the desire away? He can do that. But He won’t. And, I’m tired of everything having to be in His damn time. My interpretation of Psalm 69:3 “I am weary with my crying; my throat is dried: Mine eyes fail while I wait for my God” - His time sucks!

I tease C2 and tell her, “The big G and I aren’t speaking to each other. Not that I’ve ever really heard him talking to me any way.” She tells me it is because I never really listened but He is still talking to me and she is talking to Him for me. Through it all, I figure if there really is a God, he probably isn’t too pissed at me for my insolence and questioning. I, think if he is paying attention, He just laughs at me, shakes His head and thinks, “watch this,” as he throws the next curve ball my way.

Any way, you are one of very few people that I’ve ever told all of this to. So guess that means that I trust and love you as my sister.