Weekend update plus some

So now I have to re-write what I wrote about the weekend...but I am feeling lazy about it. Mostly because of things that have happened since.
See, over the weekend I found out YBBK was harboring ill feelings over something that happened in March. I can’t remember what I wrote about it and am feeling to lazy to go back and look. So my fuzzy memory is all I can go off…

Back then, I had just found out he had deceived me and was using me…in my opinion. I woke up one morning and we had sex. I went back to sleep and he went downstairs. Later, he brought me coffee in bed and ran a bath for me. So imagine my horror when I found out he went downstairs and got online to look at his dating website…that he had reactivated his profile on. So of course, I would say, he fucked me, got out of bed, checked out if he had better options and then brought me coffee and spent the day with me. Total using of me. I ended it when I found out what happened. I couldn’t stand the thought that someone could be so deceptive and shitty toward me.

He asked me to still go away with him the next weekend…since we had plans. I couldn’t stand the pain of knowing how deceptive he had been and felt like I could never trust him again. But, tried to be understanding of him not wanting to be alone. I actually called him when he was on his way to apologize and tell him how bad I felt that he’d be there alone. I asked if he had someone with him and who he was meeting there. Never once did he mention a woman he was bringing. When I found out about it…I called and/or texted (not sure which I did first). He chose to ignore me or give a flippant response and that is where I broke. I broke because I felt like he had treated me and was continuing to treat me like whore. Perhaps I deserved it for having slept with him so soon into our relationship. But, again, I don’t think anyone deserves such a thing. But, in the long run, I let my anger govern my actions. I went off on him. It was pent up hurt from everything I had felt he had done to me. I’m sure I called him names including a liar. Not sure I would have been as angry if it hadn’t been for him breaking up with me the first time because I had “glossed over the truth” to him. A lie is a lie and I agreed with him. Yet, here he was doing it back to me 2x over and not thinking it wrong. Injustice infuriates me.

Yes…all this is a rationalization for my behavior…but sometimes we need to understand why we act the way we do. I’m not saying my actions were justified…being mean to someone is never justified. I was wrong but I thought he and we had hashed it over… admitted we had hurt each other and apologized. I thought we had moved past it. I thought he understand where all my hurt had come from and had apologized because he didn’t want to have hurt me. I thought he knew that I hadn’t meant to hurt him and I felt bad for it.

But, I found out that he felt like I had never apologized for it. It blew me away to uncover that.  And it felt so good to reconcile. It felt like we had made huge advances in our friendship and that I could begin to trust him and his intensions. When I first wrote this (and lost it), I felt so good that things were the way they were.

And then last night! I was on evil social networking site and happened to see he had “liked” something of his ex-gfs. Weird…I thought…he had told me over the weekend that he had broke off communication with her. GF had seriously been messing with his head. Dated him, stayed with him made a commitment and then found out her best friend wanted to be her BF. Was most probably in contact with him while she was screwing YBBK and then dropped YBBK like a hot potato and chose her BFF BF. YBBK stayed friends with her and she lied and cheated on the new boyfriend with YBBK. When new boyfriend dumped her ass, she went back to YBBK trying to get him back. What a game she was playing and I thought he realized it. He was hurt but I thought he could see what a cheating whore she was. Don’t get me wrong, she is a sweet girl with my sympathy for her sickness…but a lying cheating whore. She doesn’t know how to be faithful or truthful. And he seemed to “get this” when we talked over the weekend. I felt bad for him but thought it was better that he had seen everything she was.

So, yesterday he asks me to a soccer game and dinner. Cool…I like soccer. But he fails to mention that he took back the GF. Maybe he doesn’t need to tell me these things. Maybe he wasn’t trying to keep it from me/deceive me. But old feelings die hard. When I read he was liking all over her page and the status updates had been generated after he asked me to hang out…I felt deceived.

So, I asked him. He told me that he had taken her back and broke up with her. That he wanted to talk to me about it at the game. What? Couldn’t have told me when he asked me to go. Couldn’t have said, “hey just so you know GF and I are back together.” Why? Why would he want to wait to tell me? Things like that always make me completely suspicious. Did he think I wouldn’t go? Was he really going to tell me? Why the deception?

Maybe I am thinking he is continuing to deceive me because my trust is so dang fragile. I want to trust a man so badly. I want one male friend that I can believe it. It will help me heal and move on. But time and time again…they just seem to fall short. Am I expecting too much?