Wiped Out!

I am officially wiped out and totally not ready to go back to work tomorrow.  I got most of the "stuff" off the list completed.  But, the really important stuff...to me, to nourish my soul, still is left undone.  I wanted to write..write all about my journey and the discoveries I have made along the day.  I wanted to download and print the pictures.  I wanted to spend hours on my motorcycle (did take a quick spin to make sure she was running okay).  I wanted to clear everything inside me before I let the guys back in, but I let responsibilities(laundry, cooking T-day, cleaning, yardwork) get in the way.

I did, however, spend time with those I love and missed during my trip.  I went to trivia on Monday and had a most wonderful time.  I love my team and will always be sure to make time for it.  X actually called and asked me to have dinner with him prior to trivia, so I blew off Mainer, who wanted to ride out and back together and went to dinner with X.  We had a fun time.  I still don't and probably never will trust him though.  He will always only be a friend.  Of course, during the game, the whole team had a blast.  We all get along so well.  X actually got funny about Firsty during the game.  Making remarks about how "close" we were acting.  He even texted me later, telling me he was going to ask me to hang out after the game but I seemed awful comfy with Firsty.  Whatever.  Sounds jealous to me.  LOL.

Tuesday I went to dinner with Apricot.  She and I get along great.  She's gone through some rough times...not that she didn't bring it on herself.  When you let someone deceive you, they will.  But she is a beautiful, smart and wonderful person to be around.  So I love spending time with her.  She made a comment about how YBBK would tell me what I wanted to hear.  It really wasn't directed at him but her ex and the type of guy they both are (my observation, not hers).  The type of guy who doesn't want you, will use you, yet won't let you go.  He will continue to say what you want to hear, just so he can keep you around.  I'm not sure what the motivation is...whether it is ego or just a need to have someone like us (she or I) around.   Any way, it was yet another eye opener for me.  Over the course of the weekend, I've realized a few things about YBBK.  I'm pretty sure he has never loved me.  It was all about conquest and control for him.  He acted a certain way that won me over.  But it was never about me.  It was about getting his ex back...showing her he could get a girlfriend and making her jealous.  The minute it worked, he pushed me away.  Then when he realized she was using him, he pulled me back.  He knows what to say to endear me to him.  He used me.  I know this for sure because he is considering getting back with the girl who he knows has lied and deceived him.  He claimed this was the issue between us...that I lied.  But that is BS...because she didn't just lie once.  She has lied to him and everyone around her over and over and over again. She quotes the bible to manipulate people. She is a deceiver's deceiver. He sees it but still wants to be with her.  It is proof to me that he never cared for me and used that one incident as a BS line to break it off with me.  He is a maniuplator of the worst kind and deserves the Blonde with all her lies.  He hears what he wants to hear from her.  Of course, Apricot didn't tell me any of this...it's been mulling around in my brain since Tuesday.  I've re-read all his texts and have come to realize what a master manipulator he can be.  If he truly cares for me, then he just must be an emotional trainwreck and I've unjustly judged him.  But, I find that hard to believe. It has always been about him.

Any way, on Wednesday, I spent the day and evening with Firsty.  He came over to make T-day dessert (cheesecake due to Boo's request) and hang out with me.  It was actually perfect...he had asked if I wanted to hang out and it was the only day we both had free.  When I told him I had to get the cheesecake made, instead of asking to do something after, he said, "you want me to come help?"  He couldn't have had a more perfect response.  We had a great time.  He said he was going home at 9:30 p.m. but at 11:15 we were still talking.  It is nice to have someone I can talk to like that.  I trust him implicitly.  He is the type of guy who will never lie to me. I can tell.  Of course, in part, because he is such a nerd and a bit socially awkward.  But mostly because he is the type that would never consider deception as an acceptable behavior.  He is a good person.  I think he likes me...actually Preacher told me she thought so too.  I'm going to see him next week, too.

Thursday was wonderful.  Just Boo, the puppers, the turkey and me!   I let her invite Loser Boy over for dessert.  I told her it was because it was Thanksgiving and I'm a Christian.  He is maturing...but still not there.  I will keep trying to forgive him and accept him, but still pray she'll get tired of him and find a boy who she can rely on.  After dessert, BoyCrazy came over.  Actually, she has been hot and bothered about the same guy for awhile now.  We hung out, drank wine and chatted all night.  She slept over and we went to the movies on Friday.  I wouldn't have picked the movie but it was what she wanted to see.  Funny, the Beautiful Blonde talks about BoyCrazy as being dominating and everything having to be her way.  It is true about that.  I can only tolerate her in small doses, but I did miss seeing her and wanted to spend some time with her. 

Friday night, I made the haul out to Redneck town.  I hung out with the Preacher and the Teacher.  We had a wonderful time chatting, drinking, eating and just plain catching up.  Preacher went to see the last ancient wonder of the world while I was in China.  It was very cool to talk about our trips.  She intelligent and an amazingly loving person.  I like being around her.

Saturday I was exhausted.  I did nothing.  I should have went to see some more friends, but jet lag and chores (Friday afternoon I spent the entire time cleaning up leaves) must have left me a bit under the weather.  I couldn't convince myself to go out.  So, I slept, chilled and watched a few movies. 

Today, I had JIT come over for breakfast.  He is such a sweet guy.   He is so sensitve and most people don't quite understand him.  He's a bit naive, too.  But I've always understood and cared about him.  We hung out for  few hours.  Then, Arpricot came over to be sure her dog will get along with puppers.  When she travels later this month, I told her she can leave him here.  I think it will work out great. 

I managed to get the battery changed in the lawn mower.  I am such a pussy.  I've put it off and put it off...aftraid I wouldn't be able to do it...afraid it would be too hard to take the screw out or I wouldn't know where to buy the battery.  When I talked to Dad on T-day, he mentioned a car parts store.  There is one less than a mile away.  So, after raking up pine needles, I decided to undertake the task and in less than 45 minutes, i had finished.  Silly girl!  It was easy as pie (with the pillsbury pie crusts...not making one from scratch because that shit aint easy!).   Any way, one more task that I don't need a man for!  Yip Yoo!

I wish I had another day to spend on myself.  Getting my head on straight and really understanding what I want before I start dealing with men.  I've had texts from Irressistible Man since I left.  He is back and town and wants to see me.  And, there is Firsty.  Oh, I haven't even mentioned CC, who took me to the airport, picked me up and did tea with on Wednesday...hmmmm...guess that tells me where he places in the BF applicant line.  Oh yeah, have I mentioned the guy who used to work for me, who quit when I left for China (got a great offer elsewhere - totally don't blame him) but has kept in touch because he wants to meet me for drinks.  Then there is GEH...he is always around.  He has been texting all week worried about me and T-day without Mom.  He misses his Mom and knows I'd feel the same way.  He shocked me by offering hockey tickets for a boy I am buying Christmas gifts for.  I had just asked him what to buy becuase his son is the same age.  He is so sweet.   I know he cares about me but the distance and such makes anything more impossible.  I don't think he'll ever let go, unless I tell him too.  Which, I'm sure I will have to do if I ever decide to date someone seriously.  Any way, I'm not sure what I want and not sure I'm ready to deal with it.  But, I did take November off and its time to consider the possibilities.

In other news.  A good friend of mine, actually a couple broke up this weekend.  I am friends with both the guy and girl.  I was closer with the guy...always the way with me.  But their break up is so very sad to me.  I thought they were perfect for each other.  This is so surprising.  He seems angry and she seems hurt.  I hate seeing that since it has been close to a year for them.  I thought they were going to make it.  Perhaps they still will.  All I can do is love them through it.

Finally and most significantly...the thing that will torment me this week.  Wednesday is Mom's birthday.  She would have turned 70 this year.   I miss her.  Although, I finally went into one of "her boxes" to find her recipe box to get the cheesecake recipe (for Boo...I'd walk over coals for Boo).  I happened to be talking to Po and asked her about a recipe.  She reminded me that Mom had one and she would look it up when she got home.  She had Mom's old recipe box and said Lil Sis had her "new one" (that Po had rewritten).  I said, "No, I have it.  I took it."  So, I dug through the box and pulled out Mom's recipe box.  I made the cheesecake (that turned out amazing btw!) and put the recipe box with mine.  I will never comingle them...well, maybe someday...for Boo.   Any way, I'm not sure the best way to deal with Wednesday.  I don't want to be alone.  My heart aches.