One messed up Nightmare

Wow…just fucking wow! I know…how often do I actually use a curse word in this blog? But, I did and it is because of a nightmare I had last night. I have no idea why I had this but it is very disturbing that I did.

I dreamed that I was away…in a house somewhere away on a trip with my social group. As usual, I was rooming with the Beautiful Bodacious Blonde (BBB)…one of the few blondes that I can actually tolerate because she knows how to use her brain (LOL). Any way, we were lying around when YBBK came and stood over her. He did so in a very domineering way. I gave him a dirty look for interrupting our conversation time. I asked what his problem was and he said, “I’m not near you and BBB doesn’t seem to mind.” I answered with, “seriously? Why don’t you go away?” And he replied with, “She seems fine with me here.” I sarcastically asked, “What are you dating now?” And he said, “Yes.” I was infuriated. I asked BBB and she didn’t need to answer. I started screaming at them. I told BBB she could totally plan on going to Italy by herself. I was as angry as I could be. BBB and I went into our room to discuss it, but I was still so angry. I first asked why she waited til now to tell me. Then asked her how she could date him when she knew I was still in love with him. Then, I asked her how long it had been going on. She told me in a happy, hopeful voice, “It’s made it past the 3 month mark!” I was flabbergasted at how many times we had gone away and she had roomed with me in the past few months and she never told me what was going on. I was absolutely hurt and furious that she hadn’t told me. I was mostly hurt that she hadn’t bothered to tell me and had been so deceptive toward me. When everyone left for dinner, I bagged out – saying I wasn’t feeling up for it. I had called my daughter, she showed up and I took all my stuff and left. I had decided I would never speak to any of them again. I woke up.

What a screwed up dream! Where do I even begin? I have no idea why I had it. And why now? There is nothing in BBB that would ever make me not trust her with anything. She is the sweetest, kindest, best person ever to me! Even if she decided to date YBBK, it wouldn’t bother me…although, I know she never would – for so many reasons. And, I am not the least bit in love with him. I’m trying like hell to look for a reason for it and all I can think of is my trepidation at getting involved in another relationship. That I’m scared I’ll trust someone and be betrayed by them. And, the way my subconscious played it out was to have one of the people I love the most hurt me by allying themselves with another person who had lied to, betrayed my trust and hurt me multiple times. It was my way of telling me that I’m terrified to trust again. But that is all I can come up with. You think that’s right?