Daffodils

Yesterday I took the fuzzy girl for a long walk. I would have taken her to our favorite hiking spot, seeking the solace of nature but traffic was a bear and I wasn’t sure if I’d run out of daylight. While we were walking I saw a garden of daffodils. They made me cry.

When Mom was a girl, my Nana would pick daffodils on Easter morning. Then, she would pin a daffodil on each of the girls for church service. Daffodils were always a special flower for my Mom and Nana. My Mom told me this story a long time ago and how daffodils always reminded her of her mom and Easter morning.

The year my Nana died, I started sending my Mom daffodils for Easter. So when I saw those daffodils, it reminded me that I had no where to send the flowers this year. I realized there isn’t even a grave I can lay them on. So I cried.

It’s days like today that I wish BFE was around She understands human nature much better than I do and always helps me to understand what is lying heavy on my heart. YBBK asked me today if it was so hard for me to understand that he cares for me and he doesn’t want to be a source of long term pain. I had to laugh, I guess he doesn’t mind being a source of short term pain. But, the answer is yes, it is hard for me to understand that. And, the reason doesn’t so much have to do with him but me and my view on human nature.

I believe people are born completely and utterly selfish. They have to be. It is a survival mechanism. Maybe the word I want is self-centered. Thinking of self needs first – thus the motivation for your actions stems from those self needs. As a person grows, the needs change somewhat but the motivation for behavior still seems to stem from self. Looking at hierarchy of needs…first physical, then safety, love, esteem and finally self-actualization. Pretty much all motivation comes from meeting one of these level of needs.

So in order to better understand it, I use me as a guinea pig. Take the kid out of the equation because the parental protection and selfless behavior is pretty much innate, too (at least for this discussion in my head). When I do things that I would call acts of kindness not out of selfish behavior, there is still some underlying cause. Like taking in the Other Daughter…she takes away – finances, breaks things, doesn’t clean up, etc. But, I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t get something out of it. Taking care of her helps me to satisfy my need for helping others and need for fairness/right and wrong. It is not a purely self-less act. Besides the kid thing, I struggle to find a purely self-less act in me or anyone really at all. The act of helping/caring for another is motivated from within.

So this brings me round to YBBK’s motivation. There has to be something in it for him for me to tell him I’m all okay and he hasn’t caused me pain. I know with the lying cheating ex it was his overwhelming sense of guilt that motivated him. I don’t see that to be the case here. Maybe YBBK is more of a care giver than I imagine. I’m not sure. Maybe he doesn’t want to feel like the jerk his ex-wife is. Okay I’m projecting the term jerk from my lying cheating ex to his. But, maybe he doesn’t want to think that he could cause a very small portion of the pain she caused him. Like he doesn’t ever want to be the source of pain for anyone because she was such a big source for him. Very deep subconscious stuff, I think. But really, even that is a huge stretch.

Sometimes I don’t ask questions because I don’t want to know the answer. But today, I asked if he wanted this because he wanted to not worry about how I’ll handle his dating. He said no. It was the only motivation I could come up with. His need to move on without thinking I was hurting. And, that is when he replied it was because he cared. But I still don’t understand why it matters. I really don’t blame him for anything and maybe he thinks I do. I’ve searched and I don’t. I have nothing but compassion for him. He’s been through a lot. I’ll be his friend. I won’t bad mouth him.

But I’m still hurt. I still don’t want to date. It was wonderful to find someone I connected so well with but still hurts to have lost that relationship. Because it shows me is that I’m not really meant for that. Friendship - I can do. I do it well. I have lots of friends. I’m a loyal friend and I have many loyal friends – both male and female. I have people that I know will always be there for me.

But the whole intimate sexual relationship. Well, I’m not so good at it. History proves it. My marriages failed. Nothing and then PJ. I thought that was why everything else had failed because PJ had always a hold on my heart. But then PJ and I failed. And, since then I’ve struggled to find someone I even could fathom getting that close to and along came YBBK. Something about him made me trust him. And, that failed. Just kinda the exclamation point on the sentence. Not so good at this intimate sexual relationship thing!

I’ve been happy in my life being single. I miss sex and that feeling of closeness….more so I miss the feeling of intimacy and cuddling. But, besides that, I’m fine on my own. I have amazing girlfriends who love and care for me. I have amazing guy friends to take care of me, make me laugh and worry about me. I have people to go out and do things with. I have my “person” – my in case of emergency person.

I don’t want to date. I don’t want to deal with people who put on fronts, try to impress, lie to me, just want to screw me, try to control, play games, etc. I don’t want any of that. I’ve had enough of it to last a life time. My heart can’t take that. I love because I can. But I can love because I don’t let people play with my heart. Dating plays with my heart – kinda like the very large girl who knocked me over 3x on Saturday’s soccer game – not all that fairly and not gently at all.

The Recipe for Happiness

I found this when looking for Grandma's recipes.  Her hand written advice to me many years ago.  I miss her so much.

The Recipe for Happiness

Take 2 heaping full cups of Patience
4 heart full of Love
2 hand full of Generosity
9 dashes of Laugher
10 head full of Understanding

Sprinkle generously with kindness. Add plenty of Faith and mix it well. Spread over a period in a lifetime and serve it to everyone you meet.


This is grandma’s rule.
Never argue over money and always be truthful with each other.
Always make up.
Listen to each other.

this little piggie cried all the way home

Went to a wine tasting tonight.  I knew YBBK was going to be there so it took all I could muster up for me to go.  I wasn't feeling well and could use that as an excuse but knew I'd just be postponing the inevitable. Things went well most of the night.  It is hard to see him and not touch him.  I want to just hold him.  I hate that I love him so friggin much.  Why and how did he create such a hold on me?  I keep trying to rationally explain it but I know, matters of the heart seldon make sense. 

We ended up sitting next to each other for dinner.  Okay, so it wasn't fate, he asked and I said yes.  It was a bit rough.  I wanted to touch him.  So each time I wanted to touch him, I poked, prodded, punched or kicked him.  It was kinda like inflicting pain upon myself to stop the involuntary reaction but instead, I inflicted it upon him.  Kinda a win win for me.  And really not a loss for him, because i'm sure it didn't hurt him.

The part that broke my heart the most was when he apologized for hurting my feelings last weekend.  He explained the situation that he had already explained before but still didn't get it.  He didn't get that what broke my heart wasn't that he went with someone else.  I get that he didn't want to be alone and wanted to bring someone.  What upset me was he thought it was best that I never know.  How can he have spent so much time with me and still not get me.  Honesty is so important to me.  Keeping things from other people is what drives wedges in relationships and destroys them.  It is so destructive and hurtful.  I know he was trying to protect me...which is sweet.  But in the long run, complete and total honesty is the best.  It hurts to know he was online looking at other women when we were together.  But it hurts more to know he hid it from me.  Okay, knowing he was checking out chicks while I was naked in his bed after he had sex with me...not sure knowing that would be less painful.  But still, the honesty is what counts.  I don't understand how he thinks that it I want to be protected from the truth.  There are only a few things in this world worth believing in and truth is one of them.

The other is love.  He told me he loved me.  Maybe it was present tense.  Any way, I want more than anything to believe that.  But if it's true, it means that love isn't all that matters.  To me it is.  Maybe he sees shades of love.  Like he loves me like a sister or a friend.  But I loved him with all that I had.  I let myself love him in his entirety.  Blinded love...well not really blinded.  Just the type of love that sees the past and present, the good and the bad, and still exists.  That is what I call love.  And that is what I believe can make all things right.  I know he doesn't love me like that.  That is the type of love you should have when you are screwing around with someone.  Yeah, I jumped in bed with him before we had that.  That was my fatal mistake here. But it didn't take long before I felt that love for him.  I can't believe he ever had that for me.  Because then one of the other things worth believing in, just isn't. 

So he walked me to my car.  I wonder if I should have said no.  I procrastinated the answer and he took it as a no.  But, I can never tell him no.  I don't know why.  I hate that.  So he walked me there and hugged me good bye.  In my spoiled way, I demanded a kiss.  I wanted that one last kiss.  I don't know why, but I did.  I didn't want to let him go.  But know I have to.  I know that despite the way I love him, he doesn't feel the same.  He is looking for something I'm not.  I don't think I'll ever understand.  He says "we have fun."  It makes me feel so cheap.  Maybe I just feel cheap for getting drunk and getting into bed with him - so not me.  I constantly wonder if I had just behaved like the civilized person I am, if I would have saved myself this heart break.  I'm not sure what I'd do if I had a do-over.  But, I'm 90% sure, I would have stayed sober and driven myself home.  Not to save the heartache, but to save this feeling of utter cheapness when I think about how he could never love me the way I love.  And, if I didn't see that capacity to love, I would have never had sex.  And if we had never had sex, I wouldn't have to wonder and woudn't feel like a whore at times.

We hugged one last time and I drove home.  I cried the whole way.  You'd think I'd be out of tears by now.  But I cried because I hate that I still love him.  I cried because I wish I could believe he loved me.  I cried because I feel cheap and hate that I keep beating myself up for that.  I cried because I hate that I miss him.  I cried because I hate that he is probably dating and I can't even fathom it.  I cried because he didn't get me or understand how important honesty was to me.  And, I cried more because he doesn't seem to know me...not that he'd necessarily love me if he knew me.  Just that he doesn't seem to know me. 

So I'm home and still crying and coughing...friggin cold/flu/black death!   I don't want to cry any more. 

Sometimes the things that may or may not be true are the things a man needs to believe in the most. That people are basically good; that honor, courage, and virtue mean everything; that power and money, money and power mean nothing; that good always triumphs over evil; and I want you to remember this, that love... true love never dies. You remember that, boy. You remember that. Doesn't matter if it's true or not. You see, a man should believe in those things, because those are the things worth believing in.   ~Hub from 2nd Hand Lions

Up all night - day 2

I was up coughing most of the night Thurday night. Each time I'd fall asleep, I'd wake up coughing. Finally at 4 a.m., I slept til 5:30.  I had tried the trick of sitting up, even that didn't help much.  I decided to go into work.  I figured I needed to force myself back into normal routine to try and help sleep properly.  Of course, by lunchtime, I was exhausted, so I came home.  I slept for 4 feverish hours.  I didn't think I should have a fever still.  When I awoke, I felt much better and thought perhaps all was good.  I showered, dressed and met a couple of friends for comedy.  I didn't cough much during the evening and thought, "hooray, I'm on the road to recovery."

Ha, I was mistaken.  Last night I was up every hour with the cough.  Again, I used my inhaler and slept upright.  I'd wake up every few hours...which is an improvement from Thursday night.  I watched the sunrise and thought of YBBK.  He went on a hike to watch it from a mountain.  I hate that I had to think of him.  I actually thought of him a couple of times.  When I was coughing, I was glad that I thought how glad I was that I was single and not having to worry about keeping anyone up (and having to leave my comfy bed).  But, I also missed YBBK, thinking how nice it would be to see him and cuddle with him.  How he always makes me feel better.  Then I poked my eyes out, to prevent myself from thinking that. (haha)  Funny what runs through your head at 3 a.m.  when all you want to do is sleep but all you can do is lie there and cough.

I'm kicking myself in the butt for not having gone to the doctor's yesterday.  Not that the idiot probably could do anything for me.  He'd say, "well, you need to rest.  make sure you are running your humidifier.  If it keeps up for another week, come back and see me."  Blah, blah, blah.  Yeah, I'm such a bitch when it comes to doctors. 

I really want to play first soccer game of the season.  I will probably do it.  Run til I drop.  I think it will either kill me or make me stronger.  Okay, C2, I won't let it kill me.  Plus, I'll probably be too tired to play. 

Feel better

It’s been a rough day today. My lungs are burning and my body aches. I had a fever this morning, so I slept til almost noon. There was nothing here, so after crying for ½ hour, I managed to go to the store (in my PJs!). Shopping exhausted me. But I managed to get juice and fruit. When I got home, I drank plenty of fluids to get my strength up.

It was nice. YBBK called me to check on me. It’s weird how he has a way of making me feel better. I’m glad that we are managing to maintain a friendship. I think I’d be lost without it. He’s been such a wonderful emotional support for me.

I hate when my lungs feel like this. I cried thinking I wasn’t going to be able to dinner tonight for Boo’s birthday. But decided to just make up my mind and not let anything stop me. Her Dad and self proclaimed “evil step mom” were there, too. Normally her dad drives me bananas. But today was a good day and we had a nice time. I even managed to eat. Luckily, it was only a couple of hours, because after, I came home exhausted.

I’m a bit concerned. I probably should call/go to docs tomorrow and have my lungs checked out. The thing is, I know this is just something going around. But, I also know, my lungs are weak and any and everything tends to cause problems. The coughing and burning is awful. I just want to feel better.

Basket Case

Do you have the time, to listen to me whine, about nothing and everything all at once?

That describes me today. Ugh…so sick. My entire body hurts. Head and nose are stuffed, throat is raw, coughing and my ears hurt. My body aches, too. It started out yesterday as a sore throat but today I think it is full fledged viral crud!  I haven't moved from my bed.  Well, I went and got my computer and let the fuzzy fluffy pup out.

My gf thinks it’s stress. We talked last night and she told me I was under a lot of emotional turmoil lately and I’ve driven myself physically as well. That my body had just given me the final ultimatum – rest or pain! I started to argue with her but realized she was right. I drove myself hard on Sunday…hiking for 4 hours with BFF after being slightly hung over. Then, we drank heavily. Of course, I do believe that is exactly what the doctor orders to get over a heart break. But then I didn’t rest on Monday. I played VB and then went for a run. I even went for a run yesterday, after knowing I was sick. It keeps me from thinking about and missing YBBK. I do believe our break up is the right thing. I’m not who he wants. I’m not positive he’s ready for a relationship either. But as always, the “why” doesn’t matter. I constantly remind myself of it. But none of that helps with missing him and our banter. Missing talking to him and having someone I connect so well with. I do fill my time with activity and other people to fill that void. But, that activity did not include rest…so now my body is punishing me!

Also, heard from Lil Sis on Monday. She’s started problems again. She really hurt the Eldest’s feelings, once again. She also upset my cousin. First she sent an email to me and my siblings that was far more hurtful than need be. This hurt us…I think the Eldest the most but also me and the Middle Sis. I let it go for a night and called her the next day. She was so “la tee da” with me, that I’m not sure she meant to be hurtful. We chatted about her pregnancy and then I brought up the email. She said she didn’t mean to be so bitter. I let it go because that's what I do.  Mom wouldn't want us fighting.

Then I got an email from my cousin who was upset that Lil Sis gave away a dresser she wanted and never answered an invitation she had sent. It was very hurtful to my cousin. I encouraged her to call to talk with Lil Sis.  She did. But didn’t get any better resolution. She is very bitter. The Eldest called me yesterday and we talked for an hour or so in two separage sessions. I calmed her down a bit but she did finally pen a response email to the one sent on Monday. I’ve read it but have been sitting on replying. It is honest and direct but will do nothing to quench the fires that are burning. This tears me apart. I know my mother would be so sad to see this happening to my family. I’m sure of it. Lil Sis is lashing out at the wrong people. The Eldest was mom’s second favorite. If she lived closer, she’d have been her favorite because the Eldest called mom daily…sometimes 2-3 times a day. No one else did that. Mom would want her to feel involved and understand how she upset she is that she is being left out. I wish Lil Sis could see that her aggression is misplaced.  That the Eldest did the most for mom and deserves respect right now.  But sadly, I don’t think I can help with her coming to that realization.

Any way, GF tells me all these stressors have combined and I need to deal with them. But how do you deal with such sadness. I mean, do I call all my friends and say, “please listen to my life? I know you have your issues but listen to this...” It’s not really me or what I do. I bottle stuff up til I explode. I'm not saying that is healthy, I'm just saying I don't reach out well.  I wait til I explode.  I think my ears are exploding right now…haha.

Any way, thanks for listening. I return you to our regularly scheduled song.

I am one of those melodramatic fools. Neurotic to the bone. No doubt about it
Sometimes I give myself the creeps.  Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me
It all keeps adding up.  I think I'm cracking up.  Am I just paranoid?