It’s days like today that I wish BFE was around She understands human nature much better than I do and always helps me to understand what is lying heavy on my heart. YBBK asked me today if it was so hard for me to understand that he cares for me and he doesn’t want to be a source of long term pain. I had to laugh, I guess he doesn’t mind being a source of short term pain. But, the answer is yes, it is hard for me to understand that. And, the reason doesn’t so much have to do with him but me and my view on human nature.

I believe people are born completely and utterly selfish. They have to be. It is a survival mechanism. Maybe the word I want is self-centered. Thinking of self needs first – thus the motivation for your actions stems from those self needs. As a person grows, the needs change somewhat but the motivation for behavior still seems to stem from self. Looking at hierarchy of needs…first physical, then safety, love, esteem and finally self-actualization. Pretty much all motivation comes from meeting one of these level of needs.

So in order to better understand it, I use me as a guinea pig. Take the kid out of the equation because the parental protection and selfless behavior is pretty much innate, too (at least for this discussion in my head). When I do things that I would call acts of kindness not out of selfish behavior, there is still some underlying cause. Like taking in the Other Daughter…she takes away – finances, breaks things, doesn’t clean up, etc. But, I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t get something out of it. Taking care of her helps me to satisfy my need for helping others and need for fairness/right and wrong. It is not a purely self-less act. Besides the kid thing, I struggle to find a purely self-less act in me or anyone really at all. The act of helping/caring for another is motivated from within.

So this brings me round to YBBK’s motivation. There has to be something in it for him for me to tell him I’m all okay and he hasn’t caused me pain. I know with the lying cheating ex it was his overwhelming sense of guilt that motivated him. I don’t see that to be the case here. Maybe YBBK is more of a care giver than I imagine. I’m not sure. Maybe he doesn’t want to feel like the jerk his ex-wife is. Okay I’m projecting the term jerk from my lying cheating ex to his. But, maybe he doesn’t want to think that he could cause a very small portion of the pain she caused him. Like he doesn’t ever want to be the source of pain for anyone because she was such a big source for him. Very deep subconscious stuff, I think. But really, even that is a huge stretch.

Sometimes I don’t ask questions because I don’t want to know the answer. But today, I asked if he wanted this because he wanted to not worry about how I’ll handle his dating. He said no. It was the only motivation I could come up with. His need to move on without thinking I was hurting. And, that is when he replied it was because he cared. But I still don’t understand why it matters. I really don’t blame him for anything and maybe he thinks I do. I’ve searched and I don’t. I have nothing but compassion for him. He’s been through a lot. I’ll be his friend. I won’t bad mouth him.

But I’m still hurt. I still don’t want to date. It was wonderful to find someone I connected so well with but still hurts to have lost that relationship. Because it shows me is that I’m not really meant for that. Friendship - I can do. I do it well. I have lots of friends. I’m a loyal friend and I have many loyal friends – both male and female. I have people that I know will always be there for me.

But the whole intimate sexual relationship. Well, I’m not so good at it. History proves it. My marriages failed. Nothing and then PJ. I thought that was why everything else had failed because PJ had always a hold on my heart. But then PJ and I failed. And, since then I’ve struggled to find someone I even could fathom getting that close to and along came YBBK. Something about him made me trust him. And, that failed. Just kinda the exclamation point on the sentence. Not so good at this intimate sexual relationship thing!

I’ve been happy in my life being single. I miss sex and that feeling of closeness….more so I miss the feeling of intimacy and cuddling. But, besides that, I’m fine on my own. I have amazing girlfriends who love and care for me. I have amazing guy friends to take care of me, make me laugh and worry about me. I have people to go out and do things with. I have my “person” – my in case of emergency person.

I don’t want to date. I don’t want to deal with people who put on fronts, try to impress, lie to me, just want to screw me, try to control, play games, etc. I don’t want any of that. I’ve had enough of it to last a life time. My heart can’t take that. I love because I can. But I can love because I don’t let people play with my heart. Dating plays with my heart – kinda like the very large girl who knocked me over 3x on Saturday’s soccer game – not all that fairly and not gently at all.