’Last night, I was in my room, yapping on the phone with a friend of mine. The child pops her head in and asks “Can we talk in 5 minutes?” Translation – “I have stuff to do and need to talk with you now. But I will give you five minutes to get off the phone.” I tell my friend we need to wrap it up (only because we were pretty much done any way, mind you). She asks, “oh, do you think there is a problem?” My answer, “Well, she looked very serious- almost concerned. So, there is something serious to discuss or another kid in her class has lice and she needs a head check. ” We giggle.
I go into her room and she tells me she just got out of “boot camp” the free trial she had for an exercise class. She told me the monthly fee and told me she thought it seemed too high. I agreed. I thought, “well, she looked awfully serious for that.” Then, she tells me. So, you know Max’s parents are moving and he needs to find an apartment. Well, he found one in the next town over. It is a house (like the one we had in Columbia) and a great deal. BF and I are going to move in with him.
I knew this was coming… just not so soon. She goes on to tell me, we were planning on this but just not so soon. But Max is jonesing about his parents moving and wants to get a place as soon as possible.
So, we go over the financials, the lease, the arrangement she has with the boys and the important fact that it has 2 full bathrooms so she doesn’t have to share on with the boys! I noticed the line that stated “Pets” was blank. I mentioned that there was something missing and pointed to the empty line. She said, “Well do you think you could handle both her and I being gone at the same time?” I stated my usual, “I never wanted her.” And, in walks the killer poodle. No one said dog, pet, her name, furry girl, etc. Yet somehow, she knew we were talking about her because, she was giving me a dirty look. Boo said she could take her but it would cost more money. Killer Poodle jumped on Boo’s bed and stared at me. How the heck does this dog know what we are talking about???? I told her that I’d keep the Killer until they settled in and figured out how it was all working out and if they could afford to bring her there. The Killer Poodle seemed to accept this and left the room. Seriously, the dog is telepathic!
As we are going through the last bit of it, she tells me, “I know it isn’t perfect but I am 26 and I shouldn’t still be living at home. I need to move out.” I almost burst into tears but held them back. Because, I knew the concerned look on her face was the fear that I’d cry my eyes out when she told me. While donning the best poker face I muster, I tell her that I agree,
She had to go and fax the agreement to the landlord. When she finally left, I burst into tears. At times like this, I totally miss mom and grandma. I’m sure they’d have some wonderful words of wisdom to give me the kick in the pants I need
Showing posts with label mom. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mom. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 1, 2016
Monday, May 13, 2013
Mother's Day
Mother’s day is bitter-sweet for me.
At one time, for me, it was a day filled with well wishes to my grand mother, mother,grandmother in law and mother’s in law….Six total, I think. In addition, to a little one bestowing the same wishes on me with beautiful homemade, love sentiments – all of which I still have.
Last night, I drove by the hospital where my own little bundle of joy was born. It reminded me of the first few weeks of her life….as if a sign of what was to come throughout her life! She was a premie, terrible at eating the natural way, refused formula, didn’t sleep, cried for hours on end…. I treasurd the happy moments and loved my Boo more than anything else in the world but was completely exhausted. Mom came to the rescue. Lucky for me she took a week off of work and came to visit. I handed her Boo and promptly crawled into bed….with the instructions “try not to wake me too much when you bring her to feed. I’m getting good as sleeping while she eats.” Mom cooked and cleaned and took care of the little Britt so I could sleep. She came up with good ideas about how to fix my ailing breasts (that Britt loved to “bite”, pull on and generally attack in the name of feeding). She gave me sage advice on how not to instruct Todd on anything so as not to discourage his help and interaction with the baby. And, she was the one squeezing the little red toy apple that Britt smiled at first. Then her Dad – the little rat fink! Mom had gone from this relic with a big heart who didn’t know all that much – to the smartest woman in the world and my own special angel of mercy.
Mom was there a year later, when Britt discovered snow for the first time. I’m not sure who was more excited or mesmerized by the white stuff that melted in Britt’s hands. Britt would reach down and pick up the snow. She’d smile and then it would start to melt. Her eyes would get wide and she’d look at my Mom. Mom would smile back and then when Britt looked back, the snow would be gone. She’d squeal with delight, they’d laugh and start all over again.
Britt had three Grandmothers. Since I am a fan of rhymes, we had dubbed mom – Grannie Annie. (the other grandmothers got to pick their own names) Britt, as most young kids, had trouble pronouncing certain consonants. So when she was learning to speak, she called her Drannie. One of our favorite, most embarrassing stories about Britt and Drannie has to do with my sister’s dog Smokey. I wish I remembered the back story. But I believe it all happened when Mom was in town to help Cindy when her first born was born. Britt was hanging out with my mom and mom was petting Smokey. Britt looked at my mom and told her, “Drannie! Be careful! Don’t touch Smokey’s penis!” As always, Mom took it in stride.
Mom took most all things in stride. She wasn’t high strung like her 4th child. She was patient…guess if you aren’t by the 1st child you’d either become patient by the 5th or self destruct! She was laid back (well except that time when she threw a bunch of silverware at my brother or yelled at him "John, stop your gonnat...God DAMN IT" when he broke something that he was hitting someone with) had a heart of gold and shared her love with everyone.
This past January, her first grandchild graduated college. Mom was there when she graduated high school. Graduation was bitter sweet… I loved seeing my gorgeous daughter walk across stage and accept the diploma she worked her butt off to get! I was so very proud. And sad, that mom wasn’t there to watch. I know she would have turned to me and said, “I told you so. You didn’t need to stress so much. She is just fine. Just a little strong willed, head strong and rebellious…like someone else I know.” She would have hugged Britt tight and told her how proud she was of her. How she was always so proud of her.
This week, Britt needed a book for her first grade class room to help them with their Mother’s Day project. She found the book…how much do I love you? I told her how I had given that book to my mom and it was probably in “the mom box”…the box that I brought home two years ago, that I have yet to empty. Such mixed emotion – pride in my beautiful daughter and knowledge of what a wonderful teacher she has become and will continue to be. But saddened that I can’t share this moment with “Drannie”.
So today, I miss my mom. I wish I could call and ask if she got the violets. She once told me they were her favorite flowers. I’m not really sure they are but I got them or violet like flowers for her every mother’s day. I wish I could tell her all things that Britt is doing to make me so proud. I wish I could tell her about the antics of Mitsi the guard poodle. I wish I could cry to her about the trials and tell her about my upcoming trip. I do hope there is some miraculous way, even if just for one day, she can open the gate from this world and the next…and see and feel all that is in my heart.
Happy Mother’s Day too all you Moms out there! And all you single Dad’s out there – for some days you have to be more than dad, you have to be mom too. And all you girlfriend’s out there who are called on to “mother” their friends. Mostly, Happy Mother’s Day to you Drannie Annie. Thank you God for a kind hearted, loving and brilliant Mom! We love and miss you more than these words can express!
At one time, for me, it was a day filled with well wishes to my grand mother, mother,grandmother in law and mother’s in law….Six total, I think. In addition, to a little one bestowing the same wishes on me with beautiful homemade, love sentiments – all of which I still have.
Last night, I drove by the hospital where my own little bundle of joy was born. It reminded me of the first few weeks of her life….as if a sign of what was to come throughout her life! She was a premie, terrible at eating the natural way, refused formula, didn’t sleep, cried for hours on end…. I treasurd the happy moments and loved my Boo more than anything else in the world but was completely exhausted. Mom came to the rescue. Lucky for me she took a week off of work and came to visit. I handed her Boo and promptly crawled into bed….with the instructions “try not to wake me too much when you bring her to feed. I’m getting good as sleeping while she eats.” Mom cooked and cleaned and took care of the little Britt so I could sleep. She came up with good ideas about how to fix my ailing breasts (that Britt loved to “bite”, pull on and generally attack in the name of feeding). She gave me sage advice on how not to instruct Todd on anything so as not to discourage his help and interaction with the baby. And, she was the one squeezing the little red toy apple that Britt smiled at first. Then her Dad – the little rat fink! Mom had gone from this relic with a big heart who didn’t know all that much – to the smartest woman in the world and my own special angel of mercy.
Mom was there a year later, when Britt discovered snow for the first time. I’m not sure who was more excited or mesmerized by the white stuff that melted in Britt’s hands. Britt would reach down and pick up the snow. She’d smile and then it would start to melt. Her eyes would get wide and she’d look at my Mom. Mom would smile back and then when Britt looked back, the snow would be gone. She’d squeal with delight, they’d laugh and start all over again.
Britt had three Grandmothers. Since I am a fan of rhymes, we had dubbed mom – Grannie Annie. (the other grandmothers got to pick their own names) Britt, as most young kids, had trouble pronouncing certain consonants. So when she was learning to speak, she called her Drannie. One of our favorite, most embarrassing stories about Britt and Drannie has to do with my sister’s dog Smokey. I wish I remembered the back story. But I believe it all happened when Mom was in town to help Cindy when her first born was born. Britt was hanging out with my mom and mom was petting Smokey. Britt looked at my mom and told her, “Drannie! Be careful! Don’t touch Smokey’s penis!” As always, Mom took it in stride.
Mom took most all things in stride. She wasn’t high strung like her 4th child. She was patient…guess if you aren’t by the 1st child you’d either become patient by the 5th or self destruct! She was laid back (well except that time when she threw a bunch of silverware at my brother or yelled at him "John, stop your gonnat...God DAMN IT" when he broke something that he was hitting someone with) had a heart of gold and shared her love with everyone.
This past January, her first grandchild graduated college. Mom was there when she graduated high school. Graduation was bitter sweet… I loved seeing my gorgeous daughter walk across stage and accept the diploma she worked her butt off to get! I was so very proud. And sad, that mom wasn’t there to watch. I know she would have turned to me and said, “I told you so. You didn’t need to stress so much. She is just fine. Just a little strong willed, head strong and rebellious…like someone else I know.” She would have hugged Britt tight and told her how proud she was of her. How she was always so proud of her.
This week, Britt needed a book for her first grade class room to help them with their Mother’s Day project. She found the book…how much do I love you? I told her how I had given that book to my mom and it was probably in “the mom box”…the box that I brought home two years ago, that I have yet to empty. Such mixed emotion – pride in my beautiful daughter and knowledge of what a wonderful teacher she has become and will continue to be. But saddened that I can’t share this moment with “Drannie”.
So today, I miss my mom. I wish I could call and ask if she got the violets. She once told me they were her favorite flowers. I’m not really sure they are but I got them or violet like flowers for her every mother’s day. I wish I could tell her all things that Britt is doing to make me so proud. I wish I could tell her about the antics of Mitsi the guard poodle. I wish I could cry to her about the trials and tell her about my upcoming trip. I do hope there is some miraculous way, even if just for one day, she can open the gate from this world and the next…and see and feel all that is in my heart.
Happy Mother’s Day too all you Moms out there! And all you single Dad’s out there – for some days you have to be more than dad, you have to be mom too. And all you girlfriend’s out there who are called on to “mother” their friends. Mostly, Happy Mother’s Day to you Drannie Annie. Thank you God for a kind hearted, loving and brilliant Mom! We love and miss you more than these words can express!
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Mom Reflections
Today I try to shake off the “blah” feeling I have. Actually, I’m okay with the blah, just not the overwhelming desire to weep. Sunday was such a happy yet bitter sweet occasion and I wonder if every happy occasion from now on will feel the same. Boo, after her struggle in high school, managed to graduate college with a GPA that matched mine (thank God not her father’s 2.3!) If Mom was alive, she would have been there. Instead, I attended the graduation with my ex and his family. Not that I don’t like them – hell, his step parents (one for each parent) each like me better than him. LOL. But, it just wasn’t the same without Mom. I know she would have been just as proud. She was the biggest cheerleader for her kids and grandkids.
I totally miss talking to her. I have to confess there was a time when I dreaded it. C2 can attest to the many phone calls I refused to take. Not that I didn’t want to talk to Mom…just I despise talking on the phone. It hurts my ear. I know, you don’t believe me, but it is true. It does. And I hate it! But, living 300+ miles from Mom made it our primary source of communication….especially after she lost her sight and ability to operate the computer. So, I adapted.
I hate driving in rush hour traffic. So, I decided, since I was already irritated with the traffic, I would call Mom. Figured even the annoyance of the phone would be minimized by irritation of the morons that have yet to figure out how to use their signals, pay attention to their driving, or not be a complete self-absorbed individual who thinks they own the road. So, the ritual started. Every couple of days or so, I’d call mom on the ride home. Although, half of the conversation sounded something like this:
Me:Oh man! You idiot !
Mom: What?
Me: You should have seen what this moron just did. They shouldn’t be allowed to drive.
Mom: Maybe you should call me later?
Me: No, I’m good.
Add that to the fact that I always felt like there wasn’t anything to talk about. It just seemed like we were saying the same stuff over and over again. I often wondered how much the fact that I’d call while I driving bugged Mom and how mundane it must seem for her. Then, one day, my little sis told me that Mom told her how much she enjoyed our conversations. After that, I started making mental notes of things that happened during the day that Mom might enjoy hearing about. I felt that way, I could just babble about my day and Mom would be happy to have me called and to know I was “still alive and kicking” and maybe, perhaps, she’d even be entertained.
After she passed away, I’d still make the mental list. Usually in the middle of the thought, I’d realize the phone call wasn’t going to happen. And, every once in awhile, mostly when stuck in traffic, I’d think, I need to call Mom. Then realize that wasn’t going to happen.
It is funny how something so dreadful turned into something I actually looked forward to and enjoyed. So much so, that now, I miss it. I mean, I can still babble to her in my head. But, I don’t get the benefit of her replies, whether they be a chuckle, some sage advice or something totally ridiculous. I miss that!
I totally miss talking to her. I have to confess there was a time when I dreaded it. C2 can attest to the many phone calls I refused to take. Not that I didn’t want to talk to Mom…just I despise talking on the phone. It hurts my ear. I know, you don’t believe me, but it is true. It does. And I hate it! But, living 300+ miles from Mom made it our primary source of communication….especially after she lost her sight and ability to operate the computer. So, I adapted.
I hate driving in rush hour traffic. So, I decided, since I was already irritated with the traffic, I would call Mom. Figured even the annoyance of the phone would be minimized by irritation of the morons that have yet to figure out how to use their signals, pay attention to their driving, or not be a complete self-absorbed individual who thinks they own the road. So, the ritual started. Every couple of days or so, I’d call mom on the ride home. Although, half of the conversation sounded something like this:
Me:
Mom: What?
Me: You should have seen what this moron just did. They shouldn’t be allowed to drive.
Mom: Maybe you should call me later?
Me: No, I’m good.
Add that to the fact that I always felt like there wasn’t anything to talk about. It just seemed like we were saying the same stuff over and over again. I often wondered how much the fact that I’d call while I driving bugged Mom and how mundane it must seem for her. Then, one day, my little sis told me that Mom told her how much she enjoyed our conversations. After that, I started making mental notes of things that happened during the day that Mom might enjoy hearing about. I felt that way, I could just babble about my day and Mom would be happy to have me called and to know I was “still alive and kicking” and maybe, perhaps, she’d even be entertained.
After she passed away, I’d still make the mental list. Usually in the middle of the thought, I’d realize the phone call wasn’t going to happen. And, every once in awhile, mostly when stuck in traffic, I’d think, I need to call Mom. Then realize that wasn’t going to happen.
It is funny how something so dreadful turned into something I actually looked forward to and enjoyed. So much so, that now, I miss it. I mean, I can still babble to her in my head. But, I don’t get the benefit of her replies, whether they be a chuckle, some sage advice or something totally ridiculous. I miss that!
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Sick
I was sick last week and over the weekend. It was miserable. Saturday night, I was so worried, I thought by Monday morning I"d have to go in for a chest x-ray to see if I had pnuemonia. But I slept most of the day Sunday (after being blown off by Rachie) and by Monday morning, I was feeling better. I spent most of the weekend with Firsty - I went to his place so he could take care of me. He is the sweetest guy I've ever met!
Monday was the one year anniversary of Mom's passing. I was pretty sad, but kept busy. i didn't mention it to my friends because I didn't want to dwell on it. Instead, I let them entertain me and that they did. Trivia was a blast - especially since Mainer is gone! Preacher, Preacher Kid, Firsty and I had a blast! Too much fun to play with them. I do miss Mom though. Sometimes it feels like I just lost her yesterday and other times it feels like it's been 10 years since we spoke. Oh, that reminds me, I need to call Dad! LOL.
There was something else I wanted to write about, but I can't remember. Guess I'm just tuckered out from being out the last few nights. Last night was ladies night out in Sailing Town. What a hoot! I love those girls.
Monday was the one year anniversary of Mom's passing. I was pretty sad, but kept busy. i didn't mention it to my friends because I didn't want to dwell on it. Instead, I let them entertain me and that they did. Trivia was a blast - especially since Mainer is gone! Preacher, Preacher Kid, Firsty and I had a blast! Too much fun to play with them. I do miss Mom though. Sometimes it feels like I just lost her yesterday and other times it feels like it's been 10 years since we spoke. Oh, that reminds me, I need to call Dad! LOL.
There was something else I wanted to write about, but I can't remember. Guess I'm just tuckered out from being out the last few nights. Last night was ladies night out in Sailing Town. What a hoot! I love those girls.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Birthday
Happy Birthday Mom. I miss you. I hate all the immature stuff my siblings have been doing since you left. I'm not sure why they keep acting the way they do. I don't know how to fix it. Lil Sis and Brother have formed an alliance against Oldest Sis and Po. I'm caught in the middle and expect any day now to be "voted off the island". I don't like it. I can't stand it. We need you to help stop it.
You weren't here to help me with Thanksgiving. Who am I fooling - if you were here, I wouldn't have been cooking at my house alone. I ended up calling my Father. He is a pretty good cook and helped me figure out where to find a battery for my mower. So, I guess that is the silver lining of not having you to turn to. But I still miss you.
Boo doesn't talk about you. I didn't have the heart to remind her that today is your birthday. I reminded her about her Dad. I sent him a Happy Birthday email and he replied with a thank you and smiley. I only remember his because it is the same as your's. I already forgot the lying, cheating ex's birthdate! Boo is going to hang out with her Dad before his birthday dinner because the Evil Stepmom made reservations at a retarant that Boo hates. I swear that woman tries to make things difficult for Boo. Kinda reminds me of Dad's evil gf.
I wish you were here so I could call and sing happy birthday to you and ask how it feels to be 70. I wish I could have eaten some of your dressing for Thanksgving. I wish I was picking out your Christmas gifts this year. I wish I didn't feel like I'm the only one who remembers your birthday today.
I miss you. I love you.
You weren't here to help me with Thanksgiving. Who am I fooling - if you were here, I wouldn't have been cooking at my house alone. I ended up calling my Father. He is a pretty good cook and helped me figure out where to find a battery for my mower. So, I guess that is the silver lining of not having you to turn to. But I still miss you.
Boo doesn't talk about you. I didn't have the heart to remind her that today is your birthday. I reminded her about her Dad. I sent him a Happy Birthday email and he replied with a thank you and smiley. I only remember his because it is the same as your's. I already forgot the lying, cheating ex's birthdate! Boo is going to hang out with her Dad before his birthday dinner because the Evil Stepmom made reservations at a retarant that Boo hates. I swear that woman tries to make things difficult for Boo. Kinda reminds me of Dad's evil gf.
I wish you were here so I could call and sing happy birthday to you and ask how it feels to be 70. I wish I could have eaten some of your dressing for Thanksgving. I wish I was picking out your Christmas gifts this year. I wish I didn't feel like I'm the only one who remembers your birthday today.
I miss you. I love you.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Day 1 of the blanket project
So last week I realized that I needed to undertake a project and boy oh boy is it a doosy! Each of Mom’s grand kids have a cross stitched blankie that she gave them when they were born. Boo’s is a Bambie one and she still has it. Oldest Sis's kids still have theirs, too.
Well, it dawned on me the other day that Lil Sis’s kid will be the only one without…unless I do something about it. Sooooo….I went to the craft store (actually 3 until I found one that carried the stupid things) and bought a blanket on Friday. I’ve done this cross stitch on bibs before and I know it takes weeks to complete. As of Friday, I have exactly 3 weeks to complete this project. It is NOT enough time!!! Pookie told me she is going to come over and sit at the opposite end and work on it. If she isn’t joking, I’m going to have to take her up on it!
Friday night, Saturday, Saturday night and Sunday, I was busy. Hey, we all know I’m a very social and popular girl….what can I say! So last night was day one of the project. I sat it my room, read the directions and began sorting the floss (fancy name for embroidery thread). Poodle Pup came in to join me. At one point, she was staring intently in the corner. If Lil Sis was there, she’d say Mom’s ghost had joined me to help out. I wish she had joined in because it took me one hour to sort the floss. Yes, one hour to just get organized! I am soooo doomed!
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Last Night's Dream
Last night's dream was very vivid. I’ve been thinking about it all day (finally wrote it down at 3:19 p.m.) trying to understand what it was about.
Setting:
It took place at my graduation from somewhere.
I had a fancy ball (prom) dress on underneath the graduation gown. The front bow stuck out and annoyed me.
I had stood in line to purchase 2 sets of four tickets to have enough for the ceremony.
The dream:
I was very upset because I found out no one was coming.
I asked BC (specific person from church) about who I should pass the tickets onto.
She didn’t seem to care until she saw I had numbers 9-12…which were great seats on the floor. She grabbed the four good tickets.
While I was waiting in the room with all other grads, my grand ma, pa and uncle Tom show up to tell me that they need the tickets. I tell them that Mom said no one was coming. Mom was already sitting in the other area with people. I thought it odd that she sent the old people to come tell me that while she was sitting.
I went out onto the floor to try and get the tickets back. I told the lady who was doing the raffle what happened. That all we needed to do was find BC to verify so I could get the tickets for my relatives. She didn’t help. She said I had to talk to the guy in charge. I told him but he gave me the run around too.
I then went looking for mom. Found her in the section she was in and it was half empty. I didn’t understand why she sent my grandparents for me. It was mom, Aunt Sara and someone else (can’t recall – think it was Uncle Henry) My older relatives hadn’t followed me. I was asked if I was sure I had talked to the person in charge. I was annoyed at mom for asking if I had found the right person after she was the one who caused the problem by saying no one was coming. I would have held onto the tickets. Then a busload of people showed up and filled in the section Mom was in (upper balcony far from stage).
Don’t remember much else.
Impressions/After thoughts:
Everyone but U. Tom (he is Aunt Sara’s widower & my oldest living relative) has passed away.
Dad and Nana (mom’s mom) weren’t in the dream
I was very sad that no one was coming to see me…especially after all the effort I went to getting tickets.
I was very annoyed that mom’s not telling me the truth caused the issue and me having to run around to fix things.
Never thought about the fact that I had taken all tickets and mom had them (dream magic)
Also annoyed she sent “the old people” out to find me to get the problem fixed.
Interpretation:
I think, in part, I carry some anger with Mom for messing things up with all the siblings and the fighting. But odd they weren’t in the dream. Maybe sending old people to do physical task is being annoyed for picking Lynda to take care of stuff she isn’t capable of. I’m not sure why everyone in the dream were my dead relatives (U.Tom who I haven’t seen since A.Sara passed away).
Just a very odd dream all around. Wonder if it is indicative of the fact that I am very bored and annoyed with my life right now.
Setting:
It took place at my graduation from somewhere.
I had a fancy ball (prom) dress on underneath the graduation gown. The front bow stuck out and annoyed me.
I had stood in line to purchase 2 sets of four tickets to have enough for the ceremony.
The dream:
I was very upset because I found out no one was coming.
I asked BC (specific person from church) about who I should pass the tickets onto.
She didn’t seem to care until she saw I had numbers 9-12…which were great seats on the floor. She grabbed the four good tickets.
While I was waiting in the room with all other grads, my grand ma, pa and uncle Tom show up to tell me that they need the tickets. I tell them that Mom said no one was coming. Mom was already sitting in the other area with people. I thought it odd that she sent the old people to come tell me that while she was sitting.
I went out onto the floor to try and get the tickets back. I told the lady who was doing the raffle what happened. That all we needed to do was find BC to verify so I could get the tickets for my relatives. She didn’t help. She said I had to talk to the guy in charge. I told him but he gave me the run around too.
I then went looking for mom. Found her in the section she was in and it was half empty. I didn’t understand why she sent my grandparents for me. It was mom, Aunt Sara and someone else (can’t recall – think it was Uncle Henry) My older relatives hadn’t followed me. I was asked if I was sure I had talked to the person in charge. I was annoyed at mom for asking if I had found the right person after she was the one who caused the problem by saying no one was coming. I would have held onto the tickets. Then a busload of people showed up and filled in the section Mom was in (upper balcony far from stage).
Don’t remember much else.
Impressions/After thoughts:
Everyone but U. Tom (he is Aunt Sara’s widower & my oldest living relative) has passed away.
Dad and Nana (mom’s mom) weren’t in the dream
I was very sad that no one was coming to see me…especially after all the effort I went to getting tickets.
I was very annoyed that mom’s not telling me the truth caused the issue and me having to run around to fix things.
Never thought about the fact that I had taken all tickets and mom had them (dream magic)
Also annoyed she sent “the old people” out to find me to get the problem fixed.
Interpretation:
I think, in part, I carry some anger with Mom for messing things up with all the siblings and the fighting. But odd they weren’t in the dream. Maybe sending old people to do physical task is being annoyed for picking Lynda to take care of stuff she isn’t capable of. I’m not sure why everyone in the dream were my dead relatives (U.Tom who I haven’t seen since A.Sara passed away).
Just a very odd dream all around. Wonder if it is indicative of the fact that I am very bored and annoyed with my life right now.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Is it time?
Over the weekend, several of my girlfriends, without provocation, told me that it was time for me to start dating again. I thought it was odd that BFF brought it up. But she and I were scheduling a "date" and she said, 'you should consider doing this with a guy.' I just let it slide. But then later, Married with kids and new baby asked me, "did you go on any dates this weekend? why not?" After I shrugged, she said, "well that wasn't a no one asked me so why? I think you should." And then both Tex and Heartbreak indicated the same thing...you are fine. Just put yourself out there.
So I thought about it and they are right. YBBK hurt me, messed with my trust issues but really didn't damage my self esteem like the dirty rotten ex did. I know I'm pretty, smart, funny and a joy to be around (tee hee hee, did I just write that?!). So why not?
So yesterday, I emailed back Museum guy. He replied last night and wants to talk tonight. I also agreed to meet Southern Gentleman this weekend (day to be determined). I'm still not sure he is all that interested but he is consistent. Calling 2-3 times a week and asking to hang out one night a weekend. I still don't see me "dating" him. But, he isn't pushing anything and I'm fine with just playing it out. Of course there is Photoboy, who I am still refusing to see. He is ever so persistent. I asked him why he doesn't hang out with girls his own age. He ignored that text. LOL! Actually, I haven't heard from him since Sunday morning...maybe he has finally given up.
Any way, so I'll open myself up to the dating game and see how it goes. M&M said he's seen plenty of evidence that the Cold Hearted Bitch is back and I should do just fine with dating around (per Mars and Venus Starting Over). He said he missed the CHB and can't wait to hear the stories of men failing to woe me over. Gotta love M&M. He flatters me every chance he gets. I couldn't have picked a better "big brother".
And, No, I haven't forgotten Sunday is the dreaded first Mother's Day without Mom. I wish I could. I'm not sure how I'm going to make it through that day. Sigh.....
So I thought about it and they are right. YBBK hurt me, messed with my trust issues but really didn't damage my self esteem like the dirty rotten ex did. I know I'm pretty, smart, funny and a joy to be around (tee hee hee, did I just write that?!). So why not?
So yesterday, I emailed back Museum guy. He replied last night and wants to talk tonight. I also agreed to meet Southern Gentleman this weekend (day to be determined). I'm still not sure he is all that interested but he is consistent. Calling 2-3 times a week and asking to hang out one night a weekend. I still don't see me "dating" him. But, he isn't pushing anything and I'm fine with just playing it out. Of course there is Photoboy, who I am still refusing to see. He is ever so persistent. I asked him why he doesn't hang out with girls his own age. He ignored that text. LOL! Actually, I haven't heard from him since Sunday morning...maybe he has finally given up.
Any way, so I'll open myself up to the dating game and see how it goes. M&M said he's seen plenty of evidence that the Cold Hearted Bitch is back and I should do just fine with dating around (per Mars and Venus Starting Over). He said he missed the CHB and can't wait to hear the stories of men failing to woe me over. Gotta love M&M. He flatters me every chance he gets. I couldn't have picked a better "big brother".
And, No, I haven't forgotten Sunday is the dreaded first Mother's Day without Mom. I wish I could. I'm not sure how I'm going to make it through that day. Sigh.....
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Mother's Day
So I'm collecting $$ for a gift for the Christian Counsellor for Mother's day. Today I went to buy a card to put it in. It killed me when I walked down that aisle. I didn't think about it ahead of time. The wave of grief that came over me was like a school bus running me down. Major weight on my check...couldn't catch my breath. I got the card and didn't die...so I guess I'm stronger now!
Miss you mom.
Miss you mom.
Monday, April 18, 2011
what's up?
It was a rough weekend for me. My stomach is bothering me. It has for a week now. I thought perhaps it was just a bug, but now that it has lasted this long, I am rethininking the situation. I know my allergies are crazy and sinuses draining...that can contribute to my stomach problem. But, I also noticed I've been irritable and cranky and had some hot flashes last night. I'm not so sure why I'm such an idiot and always forget to think about it, but probably hormones....duh! I'm not due to see the doc again for a few months, so I'll wait it out. If I go another few weeks with the same issues, then I'll call. I'm going to try and increase exercise in the mean time. For some reason, that always helps.
So, of course, with feeling sick, I didn't get half of what i wanted done over the weekend. Ugh! It rained on Saturday and was too windy on Sunday to play with my new toy. Bummer. But, this week is supposed to be good. So maybe one day, I'll blow off work...if I was sure Friday would be a good day, I'd take it off. We used to have Good Friday off, but this year was given a floating holiday for it. I'm thinking of taking it then any way.
So everything I promised you. Last week, I found daffodills in a bag in the garage when I was cleaning out to make room for my vroom vroom. They were blooming in the bag, which was buried under junk. They are mom's favorite. It made me think of her. Lil' Sis would say it was mom saying hi. If so, her message would be to despite all the adversity around me, continue to be who I am and show my beauty. I'm going with that. So on Monday, I prepped an area and put all the plants in the ground. I highly doubt they will do much this year (not all had blooms, most had full stalks though), but they are now in "mom's garden". I cried as I planted them. But remembered how sad I was a few weeks ago when I saw some daffodills and didn't know what I could do to send some to mom. Problem solved. Thanks big G.
Which reminds me. I visited a church on Sunday. It is the big non-denominational one in the area and I hated it. I knew I would. I got lost in the parking lot...seriously, I did. Ended up going the wrong way, etc. The music was well done but didn't move me. The pastor was a good speaker, though. But I just couldn't handle the crowds and the thought of dealing with 15 minutes to leave the parking lot (without getting lost) and then 20 minutes to get home, every week. They do have excellent single's small groups, but I'm not convinced it is the place for me. I know I shouldn't get discouraged, but I am already.
I asked YBBK to go to the concert with me on Friday. I had already invited him and felt bad not taking him. And, also knew, I probably wouldn't have as much fun with anyone else. He and I get along so well. We hang out as friends and it feels good. Every time I see him, I get a warm feeling. I know I still love him but I also believe he doesn't love me the way he'd need to for us to have a long term relationship. I still don't get why. But then again, emotions aren't logical. I'm just not "it" for him. So, I am healing my heart. I haven't been writing...but keeping busy in other ways. Almost too busy. My friend, Tex, tells me I'm running myself ragged and that is why I was sick this weekend. Perhpas she is right.
I did a couple photo shoots this weekend. I screwed up with one and brought the wrong lens. Ugh! But the photos came out fine. The other one, I used my macro lens. I haven't downloaded yet. It will be fun to see how they came out. I had planned to do that yesterday or Saturday, but couldn't get motivated to do so. Stupid hormones!
PB has been texting me, again. I finally told him he was too young for me and I wasn't interested. He texted back, "you think I'm too young?" Then I asked his age. I had estimated a little under what he told me. I don't doubt he lied because guys lie to me all the time. I told him how old I was (11 years his senior!). He asked me if I ever felt he was too young when we were hanging out. It doesn't. I just know that the age difference is ridiculous and I'm not putting my heart on the line in such a situation. He is a very good looking, smart, fun guy. I'm not even sure what it is about me that he is so wrapped up about...other than possibly being a challenge for him. I actually wrote to him, "I don't see this relationship ever going any where, so spending time with you is a waste." When I told M&M about it, he told me it was good to see the Ice Queen was back. I'm just being honest. PB needs to find someone his own age. Plus, I'm so not interested in dating right now. My heart just isn't available.
I need to start writing more...I keep saying it but it just doesn't seem to happen. I'm happy when I write. I have a funny story about Boo. She is an excellent source of entertainment in my writing. She is so adorable in how ridiculous she can be. Of course, I worry constantly about her. I had a bad dream the other night that she was struggling in school. Just writing that makes me stomach turn. I'm not sure how to "cut the apron strings" as my coworker tells me to do. He teases me, "you women are all the same. You want to mother them and protect them forever. You and my wife have to cut the apron strings! Just cut 'em!" Of course, he is the one who still fixes his kid's cars all the time and goes to "rescue" them any time they have a mechanical issue.
Okay, so that is my "data dump". I'll try to write more consistently. Hahaha....
So, of course, with feeling sick, I didn't get half of what i wanted done over the weekend. Ugh! It rained on Saturday and was too windy on Sunday to play with my new toy. Bummer. But, this week is supposed to be good. So maybe one day, I'll blow off work...if I was sure Friday would be a good day, I'd take it off. We used to have Good Friday off, but this year was given a floating holiday for it. I'm thinking of taking it then any way.
So everything I promised you. Last week, I found daffodills in a bag in the garage when I was cleaning out to make room for my vroom vroom. They were blooming in the bag, which was buried under junk. They are mom's favorite. It made me think of her. Lil' Sis would say it was mom saying hi. If so, her message would be to despite all the adversity around me, continue to be who I am and show my beauty. I'm going with that. So on Monday, I prepped an area and put all the plants in the ground. I highly doubt they will do much this year (not all had blooms, most had full stalks though), but they are now in "mom's garden". I cried as I planted them. But remembered how sad I was a few weeks ago when I saw some daffodills and didn't know what I could do to send some to mom. Problem solved. Thanks big G.
Which reminds me. I visited a church on Sunday. It is the big non-denominational one in the area and I hated it. I knew I would. I got lost in the parking lot...seriously, I did. Ended up going the wrong way, etc. The music was well done but didn't move me. The pastor was a good speaker, though. But I just couldn't handle the crowds and the thought of dealing with 15 minutes to leave the parking lot (without getting lost) and then 20 minutes to get home, every week. They do have excellent single's small groups, but I'm not convinced it is the place for me. I know I shouldn't get discouraged, but I am already.
I asked YBBK to go to the concert with me on Friday. I had already invited him and felt bad not taking him. And, also knew, I probably wouldn't have as much fun with anyone else. He and I get along so well. We hang out as friends and it feels good. Every time I see him, I get a warm feeling. I know I still love him but I also believe he doesn't love me the way he'd need to for us to have a long term relationship. I still don't get why. But then again, emotions aren't logical. I'm just not "it" for him. So, I am healing my heart. I haven't been writing...but keeping busy in other ways. Almost too busy. My friend, Tex, tells me I'm running myself ragged and that is why I was sick this weekend. Perhpas she is right.
I did a couple photo shoots this weekend. I screwed up with one and brought the wrong lens. Ugh! But the photos came out fine. The other one, I used my macro lens. I haven't downloaded yet. It will be fun to see how they came out. I had planned to do that yesterday or Saturday, but couldn't get motivated to do so. Stupid hormones!
PB has been texting me, again. I finally told him he was too young for me and I wasn't interested. He texted back, "you think I'm too young?" Then I asked his age. I had estimated a little under what he told me. I don't doubt he lied because guys lie to me all the time. I told him how old I was (11 years his senior!). He asked me if I ever felt he was too young when we were hanging out. It doesn't. I just know that the age difference is ridiculous and I'm not putting my heart on the line in such a situation. He is a very good looking, smart, fun guy. I'm not even sure what it is about me that he is so wrapped up about...other than possibly being a challenge for him. I actually wrote to him, "I don't see this relationship ever going any where, so spending time with you is a waste." When I told M&M about it, he told me it was good to see the Ice Queen was back. I'm just being honest. PB needs to find someone his own age. Plus, I'm so not interested in dating right now. My heart just isn't available.
I need to start writing more...I keep saying it but it just doesn't seem to happen. I'm happy when I write. I have a funny story about Boo. She is an excellent source of entertainment in my writing. She is so adorable in how ridiculous she can be. Of course, I worry constantly about her. I had a bad dream the other night that she was struggling in school. Just writing that makes me stomach turn. I'm not sure how to "cut the apron strings" as my coworker tells me to do. He teases me, "you women are all the same. You want to mother them and protect them forever. You and my wife have to cut the apron strings! Just cut 'em!" Of course, he is the one who still fixes his kid's cars all the time and goes to "rescue" them any time they have a mechanical issue.
Okay, so that is my "data dump". I'll try to write more consistently. Hahaha....
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Daffodils
Yesterday I took the fuzzy girl for a long walk. I would have taken her to our favorite hiking spot, seeking the solace of nature but traffic was a bear and I wasn’t sure if I’d run out of daylight. While we were walking I saw a garden of daffodils. They made me cry.
When Mom was a girl, my Nana would pick daffodils on Easter morning. Then, she would pin a daffodil on each of the girls for church service. Daffodils were always a special flower for my Mom and Nana. My Mom told me this story a long time ago and how daffodils always reminded her of her mom and Easter morning.
The year my Nana died, I started sending my Mom daffodils for Easter. So when I saw those daffodils, it reminded me that I had no where to send the flowers this year. I realized there isn’t even a grave I can lay them on. So I cried.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Days like today
It snowed last night. Not enough to make it fun, but enough so the attack poodle would not venture off the deck. I had to shovel paths through the yard so she would go to the bathroom outside and not inside. Just an annoying snow.
Snow days like today always reminds me of Mom. I would always worry about her being able to go outside or her caretakers or for her friend Maggie to came visit. I never had to worry, though. Her neighbors went to High School with me. Sam was my year and very kindhearted. Di was a year behind me. Di and I cheered together and we were both such "not cheerleaders" that we bonded. They always took care of Mom. They would shovel her out in the snow, put down cinders for traction, come over and fix her remote control or anything she couldn't figure out. I couldn't have asked for any better neighbors for her. But, of course, I'd still call and make sure she was okay.
I got an email from my Lil Sis today. Things are going better with her. I'm starting to believe she was just lashing out due to grief and all will be okay in the long run.
She brought news of Mom's stuff.
This weekend the family that was burned out of their home came and took most of the stuff in the house. Even took the freezer in basement and the cedar closet - less stuff I have to move!!
Come to find out, the girl of this family, J, is the daughter of JC. JC grew up down the street from mom and they were good friends. JC told me how mom would say they were going to Sunday school class and her and JC would take the car up to visit Dad. Who knew mom was so wild in her days. I asked Dad about JC and he remembers her and her husband MC - I got the full story and history- reminded me of talking to Grandpa . They now live down on M's point- in a log cabin on the river. (possibly where the "wilderness family" lived) They were a very nice family!!!
So, I've started crying again. And can't stop. It seems like it is perfect timing for Mom's death...that this family of her friend will be comfortable and able to move on. Just like Mom. But I'm still so overwhelmingly sad. I miss her so much. I hate that she suffered so much for the last year. I don't even know part of the reason I'm crying so much. I guess grief is like this. You don't even understand when or why it will overtake you.
Snow days like today always reminds me of Mom. I would always worry about her being able to go outside or her caretakers or for her friend Maggie to came visit. I never had to worry, though. Her neighbors went to High School with me. Sam was my year and very kindhearted. Di was a year behind me. Di and I cheered together and we were both such "not cheerleaders" that we bonded. They always took care of Mom. They would shovel her out in the snow, put down cinders for traction, come over and fix her remote control or anything she couldn't figure out. I couldn't have asked for any better neighbors for her. But, of course, I'd still call and make sure she was okay.
I got an email from my Lil Sis today. Things are going better with her. I'm starting to believe she was just lashing out due to grief and all will be okay in the long run.
She brought news of Mom's stuff.
This weekend the family that was burned out of their home came and took most of the stuff in the house. Even took the freezer in basement and the cedar closet - less stuff I have to move!!
Come to find out, the girl of this family, J, is the daughter of JC. JC grew up down the street from mom and they were good friends. JC told me how mom would say they were going to Sunday school class and her and JC would take the car up to visit Dad. Who knew mom was so wild in her days. I asked Dad about JC and he remembers her and her husband MC - I got the full story and history- reminded me of talking to Grandpa . They now live down on M's point- in a log cabin on the river. (possibly where the "wilderness family" lived) They were a very nice family!!!
So, I've started crying again. And can't stop. It seems like it is perfect timing for Mom's death...that this family of her friend will be comfortable and able to move on. Just like Mom. But I'm still so overwhelmingly sad. I miss her so much. I hate that she suffered so much for the last year. I don't even know part of the reason I'm crying so much. I guess grief is like this. You don't even understand when or why it will overtake you.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
One Month
Yesterday marked one month without Mom. Dur...that must be why my heart hurt so much. So today, I decided to honor her in my own way.
I wrote this for her for mother's day a few years back. I do not recall how many. But based on the patheticness of my writing, I'm guessing at least three to five.
For my mother:
You encouraged me to do well, but never pressured me.
When I was wrong, you corrected me.
When I was down, you cheered me up.
You warned me about the world, but let me make my own mistakes.
When I was young, you protected me.
When I was older, you supported my independence.
You were the person I knew I could turn to, when anything went wrong.
When I needed a shoulder to cry on, you quietly listened.
When I needed advise, you spoke with truth and wisdom.
You were the person I couldn’t wait to tell when something good happened.
When I was happy, you rejoiced with me.
When I did something good, you praised me.
You were the one who was always there for me.
You are still that person!
I hope to be as good as a mother for Brittany as you are for me.
I love you lots and lots,
This is what a friend sent to me to console me. It's perfect for Mom because she loved her gardens and passed that love onto me. Nothing is better than a fresh tomato off the vine or to watch and smell as the flowers bloom. I always gave her flowers/plants for Mother's day.
God looked around His garden
And He found an empty place.
And then He looked down upon the earth,
And saw your tired face.
He put His arms around you,
And lifted you to rest.
God's garden must be beautiful,
He always takes the best.
He saw the road was getting rough,
And the hills were hard to climb,
So He closed your weary eyelids,
And whispered "Peace be thine."
It broke our hearts to lose you.
But you didn't go alone,
For part of us went with you,
The day God called you home.
And this was sent to me by my cousin. He received it shortly after his Dad passed away.
Life is like a train ride and everyone you know is travelling with you. As the ride continues, the train stops and new people get on. When we're young, we think everyone will be with us for the whole trip. Unfortunately, the train stops further down the line and our closest travelling companions leave us. We must continue the journey but we are not alone.
I miss my Mom. I miss having a (semi) normal Lil Sis. I miss the world that was before Mom got sick. But I do have hope and get comfort from that hope
I wrote this for her for mother's day a few years back. I do not recall how many. But based on the patheticness of my writing, I'm guessing at least three to five.
For my mother:
You encouraged me to do well, but never pressured me.
When I was wrong, you corrected me.
When I was down, you cheered me up.
You warned me about the world, but let me make my own mistakes.
When I was young, you protected me.
When I was older, you supported my independence.
You were the person I knew I could turn to, when anything went wrong.
When I needed a shoulder to cry on, you quietly listened.
When I needed advise, you spoke with truth and wisdom.
You were the person I couldn’t wait to tell when something good happened.
When I was happy, you rejoiced with me.
When I did something good, you praised me.
You were the one who was always there for me.
You are still that person!
I hope to be as good as a mother for Brittany as you are for me.
I love you lots and lots,
This is what a friend sent to me to console me. It's perfect for Mom because she loved her gardens and passed that love onto me. Nothing is better than a fresh tomato off the vine or to watch and smell as the flowers bloom. I always gave her flowers/plants for Mother's day.
God looked around His garden
And He found an empty place.
And then He looked down upon the earth,
And saw your tired face.
He put His arms around you,
And lifted you to rest.
God's garden must be beautiful,
He always takes the best.
He saw the road was getting rough,
And the hills were hard to climb,
So He closed your weary eyelids,
And whispered "Peace be thine."
It broke our hearts to lose you.
But you didn't go alone,
For part of us went with you,
The day God called you home.
And this was sent to me by my cousin. He received it shortly after his Dad passed away.
Life is like a train ride and everyone you know is travelling with you. As the ride continues, the train stops and new people get on. When we're young, we think everyone will be with us for the whole trip. Unfortunately, the train stops further down the line and our closest travelling companions leave us. We must continue the journey but we are not alone.
I miss my Mom. I miss having a (semi) normal Lil Sis. I miss the world that was before Mom got sick. But I do have hope and get comfort from that hope
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
My heart hurts
My heart hurts today. Last night I got paperwork in the mail about my Mom’s will. My Lil Sis never bothered to tell me it was coming. That was so unfair of her. It kills me she is acting this way. I partially raised her and have very maternal feelings for her.
When Dad left Mom, Mom was devastated and unable to parent. I had just turned 14 and Lil Sis was 11-1/2. For the next 4 years, we took care of each other. We protected each other. But being older, I was more the protector and rule maker. I’d tell her what she was allowed to do and where she was allowed to go (especially on the three wheeler). When we were 17 and 14 (or 15), I wouldn’t let her drink alcohol. My friend asked why I was being a hypocrite (seeing as I was underage by a year and drinking at that moment). I said, “because I said so and that is all that she needs to know.” Lil Sis just acquiesced. She knew I was just looking out for her.
I tried to teach her right from wrong…at least as much as I knew of it. I prevented her from making the same mistakes I made. I convinced her to go to college when no one else could. I sent her my child support checks when I was a senior in college and she was surrounded by spoiled Long Island girls with Daddy's credit cards. I helped her to mend her broken heart from her college boyfriend who seemed to be a perfect match for her and was only torn apart by his Chinese family not accepting an American girl. Whatever she has ever asked of me, I did. I always took care of her.
So of course, it breaks my heart to have her reject me. It breaks my heart to see her behaving in a way that neither my Mom nor I approve. It breaks my heart because I feel like as much as she is failing me, I must have failed her along the way. It breaks my heart to know Lil Sis is hurting and I can’t comfort her. It breaks my heart that she can’t bear to see my hurt, either. And, of course, it breaks my heart that I can’t call Mom and ask her to talk to Lil Sis and help me get her back on track. I miss my Mom so much.
I guess I’ve suppressed the tears for too long because today, they just keep leaking down my cheeks. I just want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be all right. I want to believe that everything will be all right. Because right now, it doesn’t feel that way.
When Dad left Mom, Mom was devastated and unable to parent. I had just turned 14 and Lil Sis was 11-1/2. For the next 4 years, we took care of each other. We protected each other. But being older, I was more the protector and rule maker. I’d tell her what she was allowed to do and where she was allowed to go (especially on the three wheeler). When we were 17 and 14 (or 15), I wouldn’t let her drink alcohol. My friend asked why I was being a hypocrite (seeing as I was underage by a year and drinking at that moment). I said, “because I said so and that is all that she needs to know.” Lil Sis just acquiesced. She knew I was just looking out for her.
I tried to teach her right from wrong…at least as much as I knew of it. I prevented her from making the same mistakes I made. I convinced her to go to college when no one else could. I sent her my child support checks when I was a senior in college and she was surrounded by spoiled Long Island girls with Daddy's credit cards. I helped her to mend her broken heart from her college boyfriend who seemed to be a perfect match for her and was only torn apart by his Chinese family not accepting an American girl. Whatever she has ever asked of me, I did. I always took care of her.
So of course, it breaks my heart to have her reject me. It breaks my heart to see her behaving in a way that neither my Mom nor I approve. It breaks my heart because I feel like as much as she is failing me, I must have failed her along the way. It breaks my heart to know Lil Sis is hurting and I can’t comfort her. It breaks my heart that she can’t bear to see my hurt, either. And, of course, it breaks my heart that I can’t call Mom and ask her to talk to Lil Sis and help me get her back on track. I miss my Mom so much.
I guess I’ve suppressed the tears for too long because today, they just keep leaking down my cheeks. I just want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be all right. I want to believe that everything will be all right. Because right now, it doesn’t feel that way.
Monday, January 24, 2011
A lot of Loss going on
My mom died on January 9. It's weird to write that and hard to come out and say it to people. There are some people I wanted to know and no one else had mentioned it to them, so I had to say those words. It's been a really rough thing for me. And, I've been hard on myself. You see, I know mom is resting now and in heaven (if it exists) and I should be glad her suffering is ended. But I miss her. I know it is okay to miss her and want her back but I don't know it too. I feel guilty for not having talked to her more about God...in part because I think I failed her and in part because my faith seems so weak right now. I'm questioning His existence and I don't know how to resolve that. I feel so much loss right now. It's weird, like I've entered into this "lost a parent" club. Other people who have lost one seem to come out of the woodwork to support me...people I wouldn't call "friends" but more I'm on friendly terms with them. Like many things, I guess since they have gone through it, they understand the weirdness that you feel. I'm at a loss of words to describe it. I guess that is why it seems like this secret club.
I've had a couple of other losses, too. My little sister and I had a falling out when I was up for the funeral. She's been my best friend since she was born...except for a period of time where she was mad at me and not speakign to me for some unknown reason. Italians are weird! Any way, this time she really hurt me and I'm not sure I can forgive her. There are some things you can excuse or forgive but this is something I'm not sure I can. She is being completely selfish and doesn't seem to care about anyone. I'm sure it is part of her grieving process and I'd like to give her some grace, but I'm strugglign with it. She hurt me so bad when I was already hurting. So again, more conflicted emotions going on inside me.
Finally, there is Boo going to move out on Saturday. I've been waiting for this - her growing up and getting out on her own. It's only to a college dorm but still. A huge milestone. I'm super anxious about anything Boo, of course. And, this is no exception. And, while I'm happy and relieved she'll be out on her own and (hopefully) maturing, I'm sad to loose her.
Theres' a lot of loss going on right now....Terry said this to me on Sunday. It helped me to make sense of the anxiety and overwhelming saddness I am feeling. One would expect to be sad at this time (having lost my mom) but I was sad to the point of not wanting to get out of bed or be around people...of wanting to push people away or be mean to them. A crazy reaction, especially when I know I get so much from being around others. It was killing me. I couldn't even begin to verbalize what was going on - it was like emotional chaos inside me - bouncing around. I wanted to hide from everyone. After our talk, I felt better. I at least can now define the chaos, although not sure what I'll do with it.
Things with YBBK are still going strong. He's been my rock through this thing. Part of me wants to lean heavy on him and the other part doesn't - fearing becoming attached to someone who won't be there in the long run. I'm trying to protect my heart. He's a good man - honest, caring and sweet. But, as I've learned in the past, men may seem emotionally stable or wanting the same thing I do but really not be there at all. They call women tricky but they really are the tricky ones. They bury their emotions, denying them until they come frothing to the surface,destroying everything around them. So, this week, we'll have time apart. I'm working my church's cold weather shelter for the 4th year in a row. This year I'm doing only 3 days...shortest time I've ever put in. But the group I'm in is big and we should have more than enough people. So, I don't feel (too) bad about it.
Well, this has been quite the emotional "dump". I really need to write more...except when I feel like this, it's hard.
I've had a couple of other losses, too. My little sister and I had a falling out when I was up for the funeral. She's been my best friend since she was born...except for a period of time where she was mad at me and not speakign to me for some unknown reason. Italians are weird! Any way, this time she really hurt me and I'm not sure I can forgive her. There are some things you can excuse or forgive but this is something I'm not sure I can. She is being completely selfish and doesn't seem to care about anyone. I'm sure it is part of her grieving process and I'd like to give her some grace, but I'm strugglign with it. She hurt me so bad when I was already hurting. So again, more conflicted emotions going on inside me.
Finally, there is Boo going to move out on Saturday. I've been waiting for this - her growing up and getting out on her own. It's only to a college dorm but still. A huge milestone. I'm super anxious about anything Boo, of course. And, this is no exception. And, while I'm happy and relieved she'll be out on her own and (hopefully) maturing, I'm sad to loose her.
Theres' a lot of loss going on right now....Terry said this to me on Sunday. It helped me to make sense of the anxiety and overwhelming saddness I am feeling. One would expect to be sad at this time (having lost my mom) but I was sad to the point of not wanting to get out of bed or be around people...of wanting to push people away or be mean to them. A crazy reaction, especially when I know I get so much from being around others. It was killing me. I couldn't even begin to verbalize what was going on - it was like emotional chaos inside me - bouncing around. I wanted to hide from everyone. After our talk, I felt better. I at least can now define the chaos, although not sure what I'll do with it.
Things with YBBK are still going strong. He's been my rock through this thing. Part of me wants to lean heavy on him and the other part doesn't - fearing becoming attached to someone who won't be there in the long run. I'm trying to protect my heart. He's a good man - honest, caring and sweet. But, as I've learned in the past, men may seem emotionally stable or wanting the same thing I do but really not be there at all. They call women tricky but they really are the tricky ones. They bury their emotions, denying them until they come frothing to the surface,destroying everything around them. So, this week, we'll have time apart. I'm working my church's cold weather shelter for the 4th year in a row. This year I'm doing only 3 days...shortest time I've ever put in. But the group I'm in is big and we should have more than enough people. So, I don't feel (too) bad about it.
Well, this has been quite the emotional "dump". I really need to write more...except when I feel like this, it's hard.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
wish I could
My mom is in the hospital. It's been very rough for me. I love her dearly and want what's best for her. I know as of late, her life isn't all that great. She has emphysema and is blind. Getting around gets harder and harder for her each day. I just want her to be comfortable and happy...neither of which I think she can achieve. It's heartbreaking for me. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all better for her.
I also am embarrassed to say, I wish I could have uttered some words to her the last time I saw her. She asked me to pray for her. I did so but silently. I've never been good at praying out loud. So, on Monday night, I laid hands on her and prayed. I prayed for healing and if that wasn't to come at least for her comfort and peace. I prayed for able bodied and compassionate care givers. From now on, I will always pray for compassionate care givers for anyone in the hospital because I now know how important that is. Lastly, I prayed for her soul. I wanted to do it out loud, but I couldn't. I wish I could, but I couldn't.
The next morning, before I left to travel back home, I prayed again. This time I told her I was praying for her. She said she knew I had prayed for her last night, too. I should have taken that time and asked if she believed in Christ and would claim him as her Savior. I couldn't though. I am not a strong enough Christian and feel like I have failed in not doing so. I believe that God knows our hearts and if Mom is asking for prayers, it must mean she believes. But, I didn't ask and for that, I am ashamed. I feel like I let everyone down...Mom, my Christian friends, me, God. I do wish I could have done it. Perhaps I'll get a second chance. Perhaps not. I hope my fear and lack of faith can be forgiven.
I just wish I could have done it differently.
I also am embarrassed to say, I wish I could have uttered some words to her the last time I saw her. She asked me to pray for her. I did so but silently. I've never been good at praying out loud. So, on Monday night, I laid hands on her and prayed. I prayed for healing and if that wasn't to come at least for her comfort and peace. I prayed for able bodied and compassionate care givers. From now on, I will always pray for compassionate care givers for anyone in the hospital because I now know how important that is. Lastly, I prayed for her soul. I wanted to do it out loud, but I couldn't. I wish I could, but I couldn't.
The next morning, before I left to travel back home, I prayed again. This time I told her I was praying for her. She said she knew I had prayed for her last night, too. I should have taken that time and asked if she believed in Christ and would claim him as her Savior. I couldn't though. I am not a strong enough Christian and feel like I have failed in not doing so. I believe that God knows our hearts and if Mom is asking for prayers, it must mean she believes. But, I didn't ask and for that, I am ashamed. I feel like I let everyone down...Mom, my Christian friends, me, God. I do wish I could have done it. Perhaps I'll get a second chance. Perhaps not. I hope my fear and lack of faith can be forgiven.
I just wish I could have done it differently.
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