tears roll down...

I've been crying alot lately. It's weird, though. I'm not really sure what's causing it. I'm afraid it is the waivering of my faith that is making me so sad. The other day I was in a discussion where folks were talking about times in their life where God was faithful and brought them through. I can name times like that. Where I was in dire straights, found myself praying like mad and things worked out fine. There were many of those times. And, it is those times that I am clinging to in attempt to cling to my faith. But, it's not helping. Nothing seems to be helping. I've never felt so alone and so abandoned in all my life. I should be grateful for the friends that I have and the support they give me, but it isn't enough. I still feel so empty and alone. I think I am doing all the "right" things to try to make these feelings go away, but it seems to only make it worse. When everyone was discussing His faithfulness, I had to leave the room. I broke down and sobbed for 10 minutes. I couldn't stop and I didn't know why. Then today, I sat on a plane bound for home and again just cried and cried and cried...until I managed to cry myself to sleep! I shouldn't be feeling this way. I have loving and supportive friends who are always there for me; my family is a good support network, too. But still I feel as empty as a human possibly can. So much of what is important to me has been taken from me in the past few years. I'm absolutely terrified of losing my baby girl, too.

I can't stand having that constant gnawing at my spirit. I'm tired of feeling like life is so unfair. Why does someone who has no regard for what they do to others get to go about and live a merry life and someone like me (I am truly an honest, compassionate and caring human being) has to continually suffer? It just totally tears at my faith. I just don't understand why God doesn't say that I've suffered enough and just start to bring some happiness my way. I don't want to feel so sad and torn apart. I want to "get on" with my life. But I can't. Instead it seems like I'm destined to continue to suffer...until what? Until I get so hard and uncaring that it doesn't matter. Until I start to have no regard for others and cause their suffering. Seems like that is just the way this world is. The more people you step on and hurt, the more you are rewarded. How can I believe in a God that lets this happen? It torments me to know that with each passing day, my faith grows weaker and the sadness gets deeper rooted into me.