Sisters

I love my sisters! They emailed me today after seeing pictures of my new bike.

Lil Sis wrote:
Vroom vroom!!!! Keep it on the road! Don't be playing any RB adventures.

Do's and don'ts:
Have fun with it. Make sure you clean your helmet shield properly - don't want permanent scratches. Always carry a brush or hair clip. Don't let others drive it. Don't ride with dangerous people; they may push the limit where you are not ready for. Wear a tampon- the vibrations are great!!!!

And The Oldest wrote:
Glad you like the name (Denzel, because it's black and beautiful.)....when I said it, N said "but it's a girl". I told her that as a heterosexual woman, if I was going to have a sexy black machine between my legs I wouldn't be naming it Beyonce---I thought she was going to fall over.

Now if I could just get the two of them to stop fighting. Life would be perfect.

More immaturity

Today's banter:
M&M

Bad Fiction et al. - I had an idea this morning about shooting a video intro for BFF

Me
really?

M&M
this is what i asked K this morning: I have an important question to ask you. Can you pull off a convincing imitation of Sidney Greenstreet meets Winston Churchill? Would you feel comfortable wearing an ascot and sock garters? If so, I may have an acting job for you.  
Yes I'm thinking we need a host.

Me
OMG.. what did K say?

Pookie
HAHAHA  will he do it?

M&M
someone who has spent a lifetime compiling unfinished works of bad Fiction

Pookie
can he use his family man accent

M&M
no answer from K yet
thinking more of Alistair Cook from masterpiece Theater

Pookie
with an ascot

M&M
but more stuffy

Pookie
and a pimp cane and a cigar

M&M
yes, ascot, smoking jacket no pants and sock garters

Pookie
i'm apparently into props
HAHAHAH

Me
I was thinking accessories...Pookie certainly can accessorize

M&M
big bubble pipe
can shoot in my living room

Pookie
this is going to be fun

M&M
2-3 minutes explaining BFF and how it works

Me
very good idea!
where is K? let's bug him

Pookie
I love love love this

M&M
lets discuss at lunch
every author met a horrible death after starting their particular piece of bad fiction
that's why they are all unfinished

Me
hmmm...what type of horrible death?

Pookie
C!   lol

Me
what? (insert innocent look)

Pookie
I KNOW! I see it now
hahaha

M&M
could be anything conventional or unconventional
like the story was so bad... anyone who read it died or it was a curse or poison ink
anything

Me
eaten by flesh devouring fish?

M&M
yes

Pookie
in the ocean of love

M&M
LOL

Me
No ocean of love for me...
i miss it, already

M&M
story was preserved in a bottle

Pookie
LOL
me too

M&M
me three

Me
haha at least Pookie is scheduled to get it again
I'm lost in the desert of sexlessness

Pookie
i don’t know when though... right now its looking like june

M&M
scheduled? you are such an engineer

Me
:p

Pookie
you may be more successful at attaining it before me dear

Me
three months is a short period of time to find a man, get to know him and determine that he is worthy of my oasis
...my oasis of love
bhahahahaa

M&M
one of my early stories will be: The Curse of the Wedding Ring

Me
hahaha.  love it
that author would die by the hands of his wife

Pookie
there you go

Me
in a most gruesome manner

Pookie
game. set. match

M&M
In a world filled with promiscuity, one man was cursed with chastity

Me
she put his balls in a box on a shelf in the closet

M&M
LOL

Me
"nevermore" quoth the balls
nevermore

M&M
LOL

Me
He bought them back on e-bay  but that's when the real trouble started...

Pookie
he really is going to have this death if we use this story

M&M
LMAO

Me
True, we mustn't curse him
oh that reminds me - a voodoo doll...
someone can die from a voodoo doll

Pookie
ooo
i like that idea
a voodoo doll with a starbucks in its hand

M&M
me too

Me
yes...and the coffee is too hot
Bad barista!

M&M
oh we need a name for the host of BFF

Pookie
put a lighter up the coffee cup and he burns his hands

Me
James, James....something
007, license to laugh
muahahahaah
actually should be 008 or something since 007 is license to kill
what is the funniest looking number?
3
kinda looks like boobies on the side

Pookie
or a protruding bubble butt

Me
6 is a beer belly
with some man boobs

Pookie
oo i kike that
like

Me
i kike you too
I googled bad fiction found this
The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction contest where “www” means wretched writers welcome
the host can be Bulwer-Lytton
what a name

M&M
also will need a collection of Author's names like Frivolous Hemmingway. Earnest's lesser known and less serious brother.

Me
Yo Poe - Edgar's great, great grandson who grew up in Bal’more
anyone Dickenson
hee hee
she said dick

M&M
mark twain's sister Shania

Me
I think I'm better at coming up with creative ways to kill people
could just be the mood I'm in

M&M
there are no wrong answers here

Me
I'm thinking drawn and quartered by the 4 women with whom he was fraternizing with

M&M
i can draw

Me
SO I've heard
I have yet to see

M&M
oh please

Me
keep begging. you know i like it when you beg

M&M
my artwork is better heard and not scene

Me
so is your begging

M&M
;)

Me
did you mean scene or seen? 
just wondering

M&M
I know, I'm laughing over that
too many video thoughts right now
seen

Me
Okay, so before lunch, I'll come up with a list of authors and methods to die by

M&M
sounds good

Me
The death list will probably be longer
Just sayin

M&M
the funnier the better, although i can rub a little funny on anything

Me
I know.
I'm not sure i can come up with funny ways to die.
but I'm all about painful and gruesome today!

Today

We are so middle school

I love my friends dearly.  Yesterday I knew I needed their company to take my mind off my impending doom, so I emailed.  What follows is the email chain that only those of us, who belong in never never land, could aspire to.  We are soooo immature!

Me:
M&M,
♫ Good morning to you
Good morning to you
You look pretty drowsy
In fact you look lousy… ♫

Wait you look better! I think you went for a walk. What’s up with that? No longer slated for the cart!

Perhaps we could head over to CPG land, beat up da bitches that are holding Pookie hostage and take her for lunch? Hmmmmm…..

Oh, which reminds me. The other day I was talking with my friend Ca and she called the window “Dog TV”….and I said…” (giggle, giggle) My friends and I watch dog TV every lunch time.” Of course now, it’s been like forever!


I MISS POOKIE!!!!

Pookie:
“Bad to the Bone” melody. ZZ top.
On this day I return, to frigid weather all 'round
Fell asleep somewhere over California, woke up to Baltimore I found
The stewardess spoke up, and she said leave this one alone
She could tell right away, that I was cold to the bone
Cold to the bone
Cold to the bone
C-C-C-C-Cold to the bone
C-C-C-C-Cold
C-C-C-C-Cold
Cold to the bone.

Anyway, I am back people. And I have stories and longing love to share with my pookie and MM.
And lunch will be good today. Much needed indeed!

Where shall we go?

M&M:
I prefer the original George Thorogood version myself. Of course he pirated most of that song from the late great Bo Diddly, but I’ll save that for another email.

Wow! What a special day to be serenaded by not one but two, count em’ two, beautiful women! :-)
Welcome back and yes lunch sounds good.
Where shall we go A, B, or C?

Pookie
B or C... Perhaps C so that we can have ample “Dog TV” time.

M&M
Sorry, in a crummy mood.
C sounds good to me.
Of course for C the letter “C” will now be replaced by the letter “F”. This will help her defide.
So F is this fhoice okay? Fome on, you know you want to go there.

Me
I’m up for anything. Just want to be sure we are back by 12:50…I have to set up a web call at 1 p.m

M&M
Button butt is coming. Oh wait that sounds wrong... Sorry...

Me
I know that does sound wrong because we all know he hasn’t come in ages!

M&M
LOL! Wait, either have I!
Whaaaah....Whaaaaaah

Pookie
I had a great weekend.


Me
This weekend, I came for the last time in a long, long time to come


M&M
Button Butt and I will sit at the virgins table.


Pookie
Sounds like some good convo’s are coming at lunch


Me
I didn’t know convo’s could come


M&M
You have to work at it. Sometimes convo’s are hard to swallow.


Pookie
OMG


Me
Sigh.  all boys ever want but do they reciprocate?


Pookie
LOL! Mine does. 
What venue did we ever decide to commence these rigorous lunch time conversations anyway?


M&M
There were a couple of hard choices.


Pookie
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH You made me laugh out loud in the deafening room of silence~!


Me
(to the tune sound of silence by Simon and Garfunkel)
♫ hello MM My old friend
I’ve come to talk to you again
Because a convo’s softly coming
In the wet dreams I had sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my groin
Still remains...
within the room of silence ♫

 
Yep...we need to grow up...or not!

A mini poem

This little Mini picked up C
This little Mini already had Pookie
This little Mini went to Pei Wei
This little Mini was caffeine bound
And This little Mini went crap, crap, crap all the way back to work

~This Mini poem was brought to you by the letters M&M

Immaturity at its best

M&M are way too immature.  Although, he does know how to lighten my spirits!

Me:
Dying of boredom in PDC room. Meeting started at 7 am, goes to 11 but will probably run late! save me!

M&M:
No worries, I will wait for you, but first, you must answer these questions three:
How was your game last night?
Did you eat anything?
What is your favorite color?

Me:
1. Great! We won all three.
2. Um, yeah. Crackers count, right?
3. Green, no yellow! Ahhhhhhh !

M&M:
NO! Crackers do not count. I think they are illiterate too. Besides, they have no fingers or toes.

You need to eat something. Do you have a picture of me? If so pull the frame from your purse and break the glass revealing my emergency powers. You will begin to feel hungry. Relax, this is natural. Proceed to the nearest snack source. If G is in your way, throw an Andy Nelson's coupon in the opposite direction. This will distract him. Once you secure said snack immediately shove it in your mouth, chew then swallow. This is called eating. DO IT NOW!

We are going to Pei Wei. Trying to get the girl to come with. You will eat and you will have fun. No if ands or butts allowed. Capito?

Did you see how I spelled "butt"? I made it like the ass version and not the conjunction. Tee hee tee hee.

ME:
You do know how to make me smile! :)
Yes, I will come to PeiWei and yes I will eat the girl...um I mean eat with the girl.
No butts..I thought you liked my butt. Did it get too fat?

M&M:
Just a smile? I was expecting a nose snort or something...
Yes, but the question remains is the girl ready to be eaten?
Your butt is practically perfect in every way. You may bring it with you.:-)
ME:
well, you did get a giggle and a snort, but I didn't want it to go to your head. But since you complimented my butt, I figure I can let you know that I giggled.

I think the girl had a whole lot of eating going on this weekend...and not the kind I wanna be doing to another girl!

M&M:
Yes, I could see that. I mean YES! I could see that. Well a boy can dream can't he? :-)

My new song

I've been laid up the past couple of days with back pain. It sucks. I didn't go to work yesterday or today. M&M is missing me. So, he wrote me a song:

Slow down, you movin' too fast
How long is this back pain gonna’ last?
Just layin' around the bed all day
Lookin' for meds and
Feelin' groovy____________

Hello lampost
Am I hallucinatin’?
Damn! This little bottle is empty again!
Ain'tcha got no pills for me?
Doo Bee Doo Doo, still
Feelin' groovy____________

Got no deeds to do
No promises to keep
I'm dappled and drowsy and ready to sleep
Let the Mitsi drop her toys on me...
@#$! That hurts,
All is groovy


He also wrote me a pick one:

Pick One: What should C do today?

A) Command her minions from bed to do her evil bidding

B) Recite Dread Pirate Roberts monologue: It's possible, Pig, I might be bluffing. It's conceivable, you miserable, vomitous mass, that I'm only lying here because I lack the strength to stand. But, then again... perhaps I have the strength after all. [slowly rises and points sword directly at the prince] DROP... YOUR... SWORD!

C) Gather Mitsi and hold a pretend lunch at Pei Wei with Mitsi playing the part of M&M

D) Scream at the top of your lungs “HUMMER! HUMMER! Where is that FOOL with my HUMMER!”

E) Oooo..... Robert Redford is on Oprah today!

F) Create Facebook Page for M&M

G) make hand puppets of Monty Python Holy Grail characters and hurl insults back and forth

I know I am a blessed person to have such friends!

Underwear Thief

I love my dog. She is the absolute cutest dog on the face of the planet. Sorry, you might think you have a cute one but mine is small and her face makes her look like a perpetual puppy. She is adorable. She loves me unconditionally. When I get home, she jumps onto my lap, puts her paws on my shoulders and snuggles me. She makes little whimpering noises, as if to tell me, how rough her day was while I was away. I tell her the same back.

But, this wonderful, adorable, ever loving dog has one major problem. She is an underwear thief. Yes, she seeks out underwear and steals them. I live with two young ladies (just over the teenager line). They know we live with an underwear thief, too. But, the thief is as sneaky as they come and manages to seek out and find underwear to steal. She will go through laundry baskets (clean or dirty, she is not discriminating) to find the underwear and steal them. Then, after she steals them, she chews on them. They are usually quite ruined. Well, unless you want to wear holey underwear, not to be confused with holy underwear – which is a totally different story about when I was a child and we talked about it being okay to wear “holey” underwear to church. I don’t even know why I remembered that or even what the context was. What a strange childhood I had. Oh, I digress. ADHD…where was I? Oh yes, the underwear is then ruined. This has been happening for a long time now. We all try to keep our underwear safe, but the minute we let our guard down – BAM the thief hits!

Finally, my brilliant Boo decided to just let the underwear thief keep a pair that she had pretty much ruined. So the thief then carries this pair of underwear with her at all times. When she is downstairs in her “bed”, the underwear are on the living room floor about 2 feet away. When she is in the kitchen watching me cook (aka hoping for a food accident that she can “clean” up), the underwear are on the floor in there. When she comes to bed at night, (in my room), the underwear are brought in, as well. She plays with them when I dress in the morning. This has been going on for a couple of weeks now. It is a bit disturbing.

But, this morning, after finding “her underwear” next to two additional pair of ruined underwear (Boo’s not mine!) on my bedroom floor, I have come to the conclusion that the thief cannot be cured. When I asked the thief why she stole them, “she just sighed and laid her head down.” She just can’t seem to quit. My adorable, sweet puppy is addicted to underwear.

Sunday Fun

pre lunch time stimulus

My friend, M&M and I were having a very intellectual email conversation just prior to leaving for lunch. I thought I’d share the conversation and countdown with you to enlighten and educate you.

Me: I like moles but find squirrels have more meat

M&M: Nuts!

Me: Squirrels like Nuts!
15 minutes

M&M: Sometimes I feel like a nut.
14 minutes

Me: Sometimes I like to feel a Nut
13 minutes

M&M: Sometimes I like to be felt like a nut.
12 minutes

Me: Sometimes I like to use my nut crackers
11 minutes

M&M: Sometimes I like to eat Nutella.
10 minutes

Me: Some times I like to feel nutella
8 minutes - I had to skip 9 because you are so slow.

M&M: You are slow like crunchy jiff.
7 minutes

Me: You do math like a garden gnome.
4 minutes

M&M: There’s no place like gnome.
Leaving now.


We are SO mature! Don't you now feel so much more intelligent (knowing your conversations are WAY more intellectual than mine!)

Employee Assessment Part 2

So, several years later (how many is it DEAR?), here is the filled out follow up to my employee assessment.

EMPLOYEE: Hello…this heading was to be eliminated. I work for nobody!

TITLE: ARoFW

SUMMARY of ACCOMPLISHMENTS:
Established and trademarked title – Absolute Ruler of the Free World
Recruited and hired full staff consisting of the following.

• DEAR – Director of Errands for the Absolute Ruler. He is in charge of keeping track of all my details and reminding me of things I forget (that probably weren’t important in the first place). And when the going gets tough, he knows enough to say, “yes dear”. He always has (well, except the short period of time when the REAR bribed me and the DEAR was a bit insubordinate, but that is long forgotten) and will alwaysl be first in command. He is also the only person on the face of the planet that has proof of my acknowledging he was right and I was wrong…or something trivial like that.
  
• REAR – Royal Executioner for the Absolute Ruler. My hatchet man graduated from my alma mater. He is tall, dark and has a mighty evil laugh. By hiring him I met two objectives – as I delegated evil laughing to him.
  
• ARC-WELD – don’t even ask me what all those letters stand for….metallurgists! The important one is L – it stands for libations. And, the metallurgist not only knows all sorts of metallurgy stuff (hey I’m keeping it non-technical for this review), but he is also in charge of creating libations…namely beer, for the ARoFW. He also helps me to meet two of my objectives, as I delegated the amassing of weapons to him (they are afterall mostly metal) Actually, I think weapons is what the W stands for.

Finally, I did acquire an evil shark but soon found out sharks make poor mascots. Not only do they require water to survive, but they have beady eyes and can’t be trusted. They are always on the lookout for themselves. They do meet the requirement of being evil but not really the type of evil mascot I was looking for.

STRENGTHS: It is sooo boring to talk about how great I am. We all know the magnitude of my greatness or I wouldn't have been elected ARoFW...or was that self appointed. No matter. This category shall be eliminated!

DEVELOPMENT AREAS: This one, too. These are so meaningless and politically correct...seriously. Just say weaknesses! Oh in that case, my weaknesses...Johnny Depp, men with well sculpted biceps, pectoralis major and abdomenal muscles, and...dang oh yeah, concentrating on work after thinking about such scrumptious thoughts.

CAREER OBJECTIVES: Yeah, yeah, yeah, same stuff different year.

ACTION PLANS FOR DEVELOPMENT AREAS & CAREER OBJECTIVES:
Get an evil mascot – ruled out sharks (see above)
Expand staff –Hacker and Chauffer, maybe.
Figure out a way to infiltrate the great IT wall of china and get all my chinese friends capable of FB, Twitter and other fun filled and time wasting devices
Get a Wii…just cuz it seems like fun and the thing to do these days
Give self and staff a raise and a severance package like Sheila Dixon (that evil wench! She is someone to emulate)
Update logo

Please feel free to apply for staff position. You must come up with a creative, yet applicable job title with acronym, your qualifications for the position and your responsibilities and duties. Then, it will go for a vote from the staff and if I don't like the vote, I'll change it. After all, I am the ARoFW ! (cue thunder, lightning, evil laugh)...ooo a sound guy would be a good minion.

More Questions than Answers

Do you believe in the Mayan prophecy (world ends in 2012)?
sure and every other doomsday prophecy out there. Why not?

Have you chewed gum after someone else already chewed it?
Ewwwww gross! Seriously gross!

Anything happen to you within the past month that has made you really angry?
Angry, you don't want to see me angry!

Is it hard for you to get over someone?
Only a certain someone who broke my heart for the second time.

Bet you're missing someone now?
Nope, I know where I buried all the bodies. I have a map. Can you say blue shed?

Do you get along with girls?
No they are all bitches! Oh wait, that doesn't include you C2, DD, Jeanette....okay, you either Rachie.

Do you think you've changed over the past year?
You should see my hair. If you did you'd say YES! Holy smokes it's dark.

Are you currently looking forward to anything?
Sex, but I don't expect to get any in the near future but a girl can dream, can't she?

Have you realized anything lately?
Men suck...oh wait, I've know that for about 27 years now

How many chances do you tend to give people before enough is enough?
Depends on how long I knew them and what they did to piss me off. There's this one guy who's on his last chance right now. After that, it's blue shed for him!

Do you believe in love?
yes. Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while.

Where would you rather live, England or Italy?
Italy, in Tuscany. I want to retire there!

Anything bothering you?
yes and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it but get over it.

Love anyone?
We are not talking about that right now.

Have you ever kissed an ex after breaking up?
I plead the 5th. You'll never get it out of me.

Believe in love at first sight?
yes

What side of a heart do you draw first?
The outside. Then I plunge the spoon into it and dig out the insides. Hey, you asked!

Do you check your texts right away when you receive them?
No, I wait a few hours or days. It really pisses of my friends. It's so much fun - you should try it.

Has anybody ever told you that you have pretty eyes?
Yeah, but he was body checking me into the wall and trying to steal the soccer ball from me. It didn't work.

You kissed someone Saturday, didn't you?
Damn it Rachie, I told you not to tell anyone!!! What is this world coming to?

Have you ever had someone pick you up off the ground and carry you?
Yeah, but then they hurt their back and got all pissy abou it. That's body number 1.

Are you tan right now?
Pale as a ghost, making the hair look even darker.

Has anyone told you they don't wanna ever lose you?
yeah, but he was a liar like every other man I've met. (sorry guys, get over it or I'll add you to the blue shed list).

What's your relationship with the person you talked to last?
I am their captor. If they don't tell me what I want to know, I'm getting the spoon out.

Are you an alcoholic? No, but I am paranoid, schitophrenic, ADHD, and a bit bi-polar. You got a problem with that?

Do you find it hard to trust others?
Did I mention paranoid?

Do you believe love lasts forever?
Love, true love never dies.

Are you currently frustrated with a girl?
Yeah, did you hear Rachie told everyone about me kissing her on Saturday...the bitch!

Have you told anybody you loved them today?
do my dogs and kids count? NO? How about the hostage in the basement? It didn't work though. He's still not talking.

What was the last thing you said to someone?
Tell me what I want to know or I will spoon out the contents of your heart.

Will you forgive anyone for anything any time soon?
I've already done all my forgiving. I'm sure some stupid man will mess up, though and need more forgiving soon.

Do you like your carrots raw?
Is this some perverted question so you can imagine me eating them?

What should you be doing right now?
Eating raw carrots.

Whats been in your mouth today?
did I mention raw carrots? Oh yeah and "the spoon".

What would your best friend say if you called them a bitchassho?
I think I did that Saturday right before she kissed me. That's right SHE kissed me!

What is stressing you out most right now?
Trying to finish this endless note before bedtime. Sheesh will it ever end?????

Are you usually wide awake in the mornings?
Hell no. I stay up all night doing these stupid surveys.

How many times have you lied today?
I cannot tell a lie...I have no clue. How many questions in this survey?

Are you wearing rings? only in my nose.
What's your favorite milkshake flavor? Vanilla. That's it, no wise ass comment. Just vanilla.

Are you in an argument with someone important?
IF I was, I wouldn't be wasting my time doing this questionaire. I'd be kicking their butt from here to Toledo.

have you cried this week at all?
Way more than any normal person should. Stupid man

Sibling Rivalry

I grew up with a big brother. He is about 4 or 5 years older than I am. He was my biggest tormentor growing up. Yeah, yeah, everyone says that about their older sibling, but when you hear the things my brother did to me, you’ll start to understand my psychotic tendencies (I so like that phrase).

My brother used to walk down the hall, with his arms extended so as to “clothes line” anyone coming in the other direction. There was no use trying to duck. Your only choice was to duck into a room or turn around and go back until he passed. He did this often.

He also used to suggest we “play” in his room. Playing consisted of sock fights where we turned out the lights and threw rolled up socks at each other. This eventually turned into creating slings (but you didn’t let go) with the socks and trying to hit each other. When hit in the face with one of these weapons, you saw stars. I didn’t “play” more than a couple of times.

Because I am clumsy, my brother convinced me I was retarded. This accounted for my clumsiness, he said. When I asked my parents, they said I wasn’t. He said, “They just didn’t want you to know. Do you really think they’d admit to it to you?”

And, those were the tame things he did to us. The next are not only mean but very gross. So, if you have just eaten or are a wimp, I’d suggest not reading much further. My brother would wrestle us (my younger sister and I) to the ground. He would pin us and then put his face over us and tell us not to yell as he taunted us with spit from his mouth. He said if we opened our mouth to yell he would drop the spit into it. He would also sit on us and fart. I’m not sure if it was because he was a boy but they were the worst smelling potent noxious fumes known to my existence.

Then, there was the time he chased me with a snake and threw it at me. Ah, yes, now we all know why I can turn so girly when confronted with a creepy crawly thing.

As time went by my brother became more my protector than tormentor. There was the time I went to visit him at college and he told his room mates they weren’t allowed to flirt with me. I think the conversation went, “you talk to my sister, I’ll break your face.” His room mates were cute and that didn’t help my self esteem to have them ignore me the whole weekend. But at least he was no longer outwardly tormenting me.

I was never able to “pay back” my brother when we were younger. After getting pummeled a couple of times, I realized that being small had its disadvantages. So, I learned to yell sooner than later, to move faster and how to take a punch or two.

But now that he has kids…payback has begun! His kids love Aunt C. I taught them how to shoot paper straws and burp their ABCs. I told them how my brother was born with a birth defect – he had no anus. Of course, this drew fits of laughter (yes it is true, too!).

This week is my brother’s birthday. For his birthday, I sent a care package to my niece and nephew. Here are some excerpts from the letter.

Hello boogers! Yes, I am talking to nephew’s nose. Ha ha ha ha. I am so funny!

I hope you like your teachers this year and you don’t get too much homework. Homework sucks! (shh, don’t tell dad I said that)

So, you’ve probably already found the candy…one box for each of you and one for the birthday boy. His card is in here too. You need to be sure he lets you spank him 50 times for each year he was alive. Taunt him over and over again for being 50. He will deny it, but who that age admits it???

Hugs from your favorite aunt!

Yes, I know, I’m very immature! And no, my brother isn’t 50 this year. I do feel sorry for my brother’s wife. She’s a very nice person. But she married my brother. I guess she is what you call collateral damage. Although, I think she thinks it’s funny, too.

Always be nice to your younger siblings!

Rainy Fridays

I wasn’t feeling good today, so I stayed home from work. I slept most of the morning. When I got up and signed onto work, I saw MM had emailed me not once, but twice. The second was because I had not responded to the earlier first email. He is a funny dude. Here is what he wrote:

Pick One:

Are You?

A) Avoiding me because you are in over your head and too busy to email

B) Avoiding me like the plague

C) Avoiding me cause you have the plague

D) Avoiding me because I did not comment on how attractive Mark is

E) Avoiding this email and will never answer

F) Avoiding you? Whatcho talkin bout jive mother Fu#$%!?

G) Avoiding me because you are a new mother and have elected to take 6 months off to play with your new baby and dog


My reply:
C...well not quite the plague, but I've been in bed most of the day
and not because there is a naked man next to me!

G... my old dog has decided to welcome the new baby and dog by puking
several times in the last few days! Need 6 months off to clean puke.


So he wrote:
Aww poor baby. I hope you feel better. :-(

....and now a poe-em...

A sicky is my muse
With no naked man to abuse
She needs chicken soup
Totally feels like poop
And is completely surrounded by doggy puke

Woe is she
At least she wrote to me
So it's not a complete bummer
Maybe some cheer
A poe-em for deer
Nah... maybe just some hummer

The End


My Reply:
Very nice...

Deer is the animal. Dear is me! No, that is woe is me! I'm too sick to make sense.
This would make a good rap song!


So he wrote:
When good words go wrong
Would make a nice song
One I'm sure you'll hear
If I could just spell right
It would not give a fright
To people far and near

Without further adieu
A song for you
one to take your spirits far
It's not a rap
It may cause a flap
I know you'll think it's queer....


Woe - my dear
A sickly dear

Ray - sells tools out of the store

Bea - an aunt on a TV show

Ka - That Egyptian word for soul

So - no naked man in bed?

LA - A city in CA

Tee - That thing you time in golf

At that brings us back to woe... woe, woe whoa


It’s not so bad being sick with friends like him!

Happiness is...

I am beside myself. PJ is coming to visit today. He gets here at 7:14 p.m. I hope his plane is on time. I’ve spent the entire week fretting and worrying about every little thing.
…If I had enough and the appropriate food in the house.
…If the house was clean enough.
…If my car were clean enough.
…If I have the appropriate sexy nightie to wear.
…What I am going to do with the child to get her out of my hair so I don’t have to worry about her for the weekend.
…Where we will eat.
…What we will eat.
…What to do on Sunday.
…Will we still love each other after the weekend.

It’s been crazy to say the least. I’ve told PJ some of the crazy thoughts that have gone through my head. He is very good at reassuring me. He’s told me several times not to worry about anything that we will have a good time no matter what. I’m glad he doesn’t think I’m a total freak for the way I am wigging out over this!

There are less than six hours right now until I get to see him! This morning I sent the following email to M&M. He thinks I’m fun to be around…all giddy and such!

Don’t worry, Be happy
Happy happy joy joy, Happy Happy Joy Joy Joy
I’m happy. Hope you’re happy too.
I'm feeling glad. I got sunshine in a bag.
I’m walking on Sunshine. And don’t it feel good!
I Feel good… I knew that I would. And I feel nice, Like sugar and spice.
Pour some Sugar on me.
Sugar, Sugar, Oh, Honey Honey
Sugar Pie Honey bunch
This musical reverie was brought to you by the Welcome to Friday Fan club!

Yep, I’m feeling very, very happy today! And, I like it!

Origin: I don't give a rat's a$$

So as promised…not really to you dear reader, but for my own enjoyment, I looked up the origin to giving a rat’s ass and here are the top contenders (insert drum roll here – not literally. You need to use your imagination. Man oh man, has the computer world really created people who can’t use their imagination. Hear it now? that’s better)….

This is very likely to be one of many 'I don't give a...' variants. Animals get used for all sorts of things. Here, in the UK, it used to be 'as sick as a dog'. That's now out of date and the current phrase is 'sick as a parrot' - without, I may add, any evidence whatsoever that parrots are particularly sick. It's all 'Fashion'.
This is my least favorite explanation because well, the writer is from the UK and talks about Fashion…nuff said!

Have you forgotten that the hoot-owl's hoot is used in the same manner?"I don't give a hoot about the man in your moon." "I don't give a rat's ass about ..." See? Same idea. Owls get picked on, too.
Another animal one. Not bad but well, not good either.

It's just general slang that started up sometime during the 20th century. While nobody knows for sure how it came about, it's believed that a rat was used in the expression because of the way people view the rodent (annoying and small).
Better…more along the lines of what I’m thinking when I write it.

But the winner is…
When the term was first coined, presumably a rat's ass was the least valuable thing that the speaker could possibly imagine. If the subject of a sentence doesn't even "give a rat's ass" about something, the implication is that he or she certainly wouldn't give more valuable things, such as concern, or a second thought to the of the sentence.

This is what boredom with my life has reduced me too. Eeee gads!!!!

My Abercrombie Search.

I will be conducting my own American Idol search. We will call it the Abercrombie to Scratch my Itch search. This was not my idea but, I LOVE it, named it, and have embellished on it.

It started out innocently enough. I was telling M&M that I was tired of being in this draught. He explained to me that I needed a FB- knowing full well it’s not something my psyche can handle. He likes to taunt me! I told him FBs weren’t that easy to come by (pun intended as well!). So M&M comes up with the initial plan. He and my two BFF will conduct the search.

We have the perfect panel. R can be the cold hearted bitch who taunts the male contestants. No stretch for her as she does this on a regular basis. And, she derives great pleasure from it. She is our Simon. Then there is M&M, he just loves every guy I describe to him. Oh, he sounds nice, promising, etc. Are you excited about your date? He is just so sugary sweet and likes to shop. No he’s not gay but he’ll play one on TV. He’ll be my Paula. Then there is C2. She knows me like no one else. She’s level headed - knows when to plug her nose and say you stink. And knows when to give the sideways glance and say he’s fi-ine. She’ll be our Randy. It’s perfect. My panel is just as ethnically diverse. White man, wet back marine and a half-breed.

The first show will just be the men parading out however they dressed themselves. They get to answer one question. Simon will provide the questions on the fly. She’s witty, so there will be plenty of entertainment there. Paula can judge the answers…”oh he seems like he’s just so nice.” And Randy will checkout their bods. No biceps, no second show! Big belly, bye bye.

The second show will consist of some sort of conversation requirement. This one can be handled by Randy. She’ll be good at interviewing the guys. She can bring hubby in as a guest to try and make the guys more at ease. Simon will still be allowed to taunt them - especially if they start sounding pompous or too slick. Paula can pick out their clothes for that show and the next.

The third and final show will consist of ….you guessed it a talent portion. Yeah, we all know anyone who plays guitar will win! But, hopefully they’ll have a nice body, be dressed well and able to hold a conversation.

Then, we’ll have found my Abercrombie!

I'm with Denise - ALL the way!

What are you doing to make yourself happy? My ex-step-father-in-law asked me. He went on to ask if I were dating and told me he wanted me to be happy. I stammered through a response. I exercise, play sports, have a lot of friends, am involved in church; my life is full. I’m not unhappy. And yeah, I’m dating but not finding much out there, etc. He genuinely cares for me and worries about my well being. So, I know he wasn’t giving lip service and I wanted to give him an honest answer.

So, it got me thinking. I am not unhappy. Does that make me happy by default? I like my life the way it is. Good job -with a mildly annoying boss, great friends, enough money, time to do what I want. I’ve had my kid and don’t need a man. I'd like to have a partner, but I have the time/right to be picky. I refuse to settle for a guy, any guy, just to have one and not be alone.

On the plane back from Tom Foolery, I watched p.s. I love you. Yep, that’s right, I decided to lift the ban on unrealistic, sappy-ass, love stories. The movie was touching. [side note: I balled my eyes out most of the way through it. Maybe I really needed that cathartic cry because I do feel so much better since I got home.] But, Lisa Kudrow’s character, Denise, made a speech that I absolutely love. I will bastardize it and make it my mantra. Not that it should be bastardized; just that I recognize my weaknesses and know how pathetic my attention to detail can be! Her speech is brought on by a married man being annoyed with her acting like men are meat. He says to her, "You know, Denise, that's why you're not married. Women act like men. Then they complain men don't want them.” An appropriate response to such a stinging comment is a smack across the face, at minimum. But, her response was so much better…

“Oh, is that why? 'Cause I thought it was something different. I thought that it was 'cause I deserved the best and he's out there. He's just with all the wrong women. And let me be clear. After CENTURIES of men looking at my tits instead of my eyes and pinching my ass instead of shaking my hand, I now have the *DIVINE* right to stare at a man's BACKSIDE with vulgar, cheap appreciation if I want to!”

Yup, love that quote! He's out there! I have the right to treat men like the yummy treats they are (like rising sun and marley...oh yeah, owe you a blog or two on that). And most of all, yes Bob, I am happy.