Get back home

Finally, I'm finding a way to get back home. "Once there was a way, to get back home. Sleep little darling do not cry, and I will sing a lullaby. Boy you're gonna carry that weight, carry that weight for a long time. Boy you're gonna carry that weight, carry that weight for a long time. Oh yeah, all right, are you gonna be in my dreams tonight? " Please excuse that little musical interlude!

I'm finally finding the things that make me happy, again. After PJ shattered my dream of he and I making a life together, everything seemed so bleak to me. All the color drained from my world. My step lost it's bounce and hope was no where to be found. I tried so hard to find the laughter but it wasn't there. Luckily, I had the holidays to sustain me. And, they did. I find it interesting how God allows such pain to enter into my life during my favorite time of the year. Some may say it is unfortunate. But I think it has all the signs of His influence. The beauty of that season can make everything seem shiny and new. So, even though my world was bleak, I couldn't wallow in the sadness that overwhelmed my spirit. When you walk through a store and folks wish you a happy holiday (aka Merry Christmas with politically correct overtones), well then how can you be sad? All you can do is find joy in a season where people are just a little more kind and considerate toward each other. It's Christ's influence, even if it is just short lived.

When BFE showed up after new years, the celebration continued. To have five days of normalcy, where I felt comforted every day and night... even if we were just sitting doing nothing. That helped ease the transition back to the real world of let down. And, folks have definitely let me down since I've been back - some of my closest friends. But, I've learned that friends come and go. They morph from close and caring to distant. I have to learn to not cling to such things and try to keep what we have. So, I've chosen to let them go. And, it doesn't hurt as much as I imagined.

I'm forging ahead with new relationships. I will enter them cautiously. But, I have faith that I will find some true relationships with folks that, at least for a period of time, won't let me down. It's is funny, PJ texted me the other day saying "his father once told him that people will never fail to let you down. And his father was right." I texted back, "I have never let you down. At least I don't think I have." And, he responded, "No you haven't." I like to try and be a person that doesn't let others down. I can't always live up to that ideal, but I can try. And, like BFE, I'm sure I'll find others who try as well.

For today, I'll be happy with looking toward new friendships, even if they don't turn out to be as loyal and emotionally satisfying as I hope. Last night, I spent an evening with a couple of younger "new friends". Their good natural, high spirits and exuberance for life breathed new breath into me. I know it is because they are starting their lives and are full of hope that after hanging out with them, makes me feel like anything is possible. But, that seems to be the secret. To have such happiness and hope combined with the wisdom that I've obtained... well that is pure providence!