Employee Assessment Part 2

So, several years later (how many is it DEAR?), here is the filled out follow up to my employee assessment.

EMPLOYEE: Hello…this heading was to be eliminated. I work for nobody!

TITLE: ARoFW

SUMMARY of ACCOMPLISHMENTS:
Established and trademarked title – Absolute Ruler of the Free World
Recruited and hired full staff consisting of the following.

• DEAR – Director of Errands for the Absolute Ruler. He is in charge of keeping track of all my details and reminding me of things I forget (that probably weren’t important in the first place). And when the going gets tough, he knows enough to say, “yes dear”. He always has (well, except the short period of time when the REAR bribed me and the DEAR was a bit insubordinate, but that is long forgotten) and will alwaysl be first in command. He is also the only person on the face of the planet that has proof of my acknowledging he was right and I was wrong…or something trivial like that.
  
• REAR – Royal Executioner for the Absolute Ruler. My hatchet man graduated from my alma mater. He is tall, dark and has a mighty evil laugh. By hiring him I met two objectives – as I delegated evil laughing to him.
  
• ARC-WELD – don’t even ask me what all those letters stand for….metallurgists! The important one is L – it stands for libations. And, the metallurgist not only knows all sorts of metallurgy stuff (hey I’m keeping it non-technical for this review), but he is also in charge of creating libations…namely beer, for the ARoFW. He also helps me to meet two of my objectives, as I delegated the amassing of weapons to him (they are afterall mostly metal) Actually, I think weapons is what the W stands for.

Finally, I did acquire an evil shark but soon found out sharks make poor mascots. Not only do they require water to survive, but they have beady eyes and can’t be trusted. They are always on the lookout for themselves. They do meet the requirement of being evil but not really the type of evil mascot I was looking for.

STRENGTHS: It is sooo boring to talk about how great I am. We all know the magnitude of my greatness or I wouldn't have been elected ARoFW...or was that self appointed. No matter. This category shall be eliminated!

DEVELOPMENT AREAS: This one, too. These are so meaningless and politically correct...seriously. Just say weaknesses! Oh in that case, my weaknesses...Johnny Depp, men with well sculpted biceps, pectoralis major and abdomenal muscles, and...dang oh yeah, concentrating on work after thinking about such scrumptious thoughts.

CAREER OBJECTIVES: Yeah, yeah, yeah, same stuff different year.

ACTION PLANS FOR DEVELOPMENT AREAS & CAREER OBJECTIVES:
Get an evil mascot – ruled out sharks (see above)
Expand staff –Hacker and Chauffer, maybe.
Figure out a way to infiltrate the great IT wall of china and get all my chinese friends capable of FB, Twitter and other fun filled and time wasting devices
Get a Wii…just cuz it seems like fun and the thing to do these days
Give self and staff a raise and a severance package like Sheila Dixon (that evil wench! She is someone to emulate)
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Please feel free to apply for staff position. You must come up with a creative, yet applicable job title with acronym, your qualifications for the position and your responsibilities and duties. Then, it will go for a vote from the staff and if I don't like the vote, I'll change it. After all, I am the ARoFW ! (cue thunder, lightning, evil laugh)...ooo a sound guy would be a good minion.