Ponderings

I’ve always been me…unique with no desire to “fit in”. I intermingled with all the cliques in high school. I played sports (jocks), excelled in class (brains/nerds), cheered (popular girls/bitches), and partied (heads – as they were called). I had friends in all groups and people with whom I never cared to associate within them as well. I tried to be kind and tolerant. I rarely made fun of people and turned the other cheek when provoked. It was just who I was. I never felt anyone was solely right in their view of the world. Each person had good and bad things about them. I think I had a very mature outlook, as I still feel the same way.

But sadly, my uniqueness sometimes seems to create a loneliness inside me that I can’t explain. It seems that people’s idealized hatred unites them. It seems to cause deeper relationships. I’m not sure if it is true. I do know there are very few people I ever let in. There is C2 and Raquel. Lil Sis – who at times I’ve even kept at arms length. Very few men have been allowed into the depths of my heart. M&M knows a lot but I find I even keep him out, to a certain extent. It makes me wonder if I’ll ever find a partner that I feel safe enough to truly open up to.