I'm scared. I don't want to admit it but I am. I want certainty...not this uncertain feeling I have with Cabana boy. He is too distant at times. He expects me to do all the planning and ensuring we spend time together. It doesn't seem fair or right to me. I want him to make me feel wanted...and right now I'm not getting that.
yesterday I came home from a 5 day trip. He picked me up at the airport and came back to my place with me. We spent some time loving on the crazy dog and then went upstairs. I tackled him and kissed him for a bit. He teased me that I hurt him. I got up to get away from him and he asked where I was going. I said, "I don't know." He was confused. I stayed with him and we just talked and cuddled for a bit. I rubbed his legs (thighs) and he rubbed my hair. It felt good.
It seems like that exchange is an analogy to our relationship. He does something that makes me want to show him how much I care but then his reaction pushes me away. When I move away, he gets confused and asks me to come back. Then, it feels good for awhile. But then, the cycle repeats.
I can take some of the blame due to my insecurity. But, also feel like some of the issue lies with him and his ability to truly connect with me. I want to run away from this. But, the last time I tried, I was miserable. What is worse? Staying on the is rollercoaster or giving up?
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