I'm bored

so, yeah, I guess this is what happens.  Things are good....or at least not in upheaval.  work is fine...new job about 1-1/2 years ago and I liked the challenge.  But now, I've created the process needed, put the people in place and it is working nicely.  so, I'm bored.  Funny, at one time the DEAR said to me, "when will you become bored with that?"  that was many years ago, in reference to another job that I never tired of.  I'm not sure why that job never bored me and this one does.  Maybe it is my age.

My friends are cool. But they all live about a 40 minute drive from my house.  And, my best friend has a new boyfriend.  They are so gross together.  You know, gross in the way too sweet sort of way.  She hasn't had a BFF since she and her ex-husband split up.  so she is eating it up.  She is constantly posting all over FB about it,  It is cute that she is so excited about it but other people see it as pathetic.  I don't like him.  He seems "too good to be true."  He is all over her like white on rice and there is just something that doesn't sit right with me about it.  Her mom and I agree.  But, I say nothing to her.  Her mother has...she is cool like that.  One of my favorite people ever.  She just says what she thinks and is completely honest.  I love her - she is my surrogate mom!   Any way, I feel sad and left out because all my BFF can talk about is this new boyfriend of hers.  I tell her it makes my stomach hurt from too much sweetness.

Cabana Boy and I are okay.  I'm not sure if I'm just tired of the relationship or have figured out that I'm not all that into him or if the boredom elsewhere in my life is flowing over.  His living far away doesn't help.  Nightly phone calls are more of a burden then a joy.  I've never liked talking on the phone.  then, during his visits, it feels like it is all about him.  I don't know....maybe I don't stand up for myself.  Maybe I just don't care enough.  I'm not really sure.  And, I can't really talk to BFF about it because she is all "la la la, I'm in love...lalalala" and she has seen all the ups and downs I've gone through in the past 3+ years.  So, I feel like she is sick of hearing about it.  it isn't like he has done anything wrong.  It is just, that there doesn't seem to be much left for me.  No excitement.  No anticipation when seeing him.  No expectation of happiness.

Part of me wonders if some of this has to do with peri-menopause.  I think my hormones have made me feel blah about everything.  But, maybe not...I know there has been other times in my life when the feeling of blah has taken over, too.  I can't even remember what brought me out of those times.  Maybe I need to dance more!   I'm joking - but perhaps it is a lack of exercise and the arts in my life.
So, my new year's resolution - figure out where this ennui is coming from and blast it out of my life!

Run its course?

I’ve been absent for awhile. Perhaps it is because this blog has finally run its course. My absence usually means one of two things: I’m busy or I’m happy. I’m both!

I love my new job. I love the work and the contributions that I provide.  Some of the people grate on my nerves…but such is always the case. People are annoying, self-serving and generally assholes when they don’t get their way. But, if this ends up being the worst of my problems at my new job, then I’m a lucky fisherman!

 My Cabana boy and I are completely happy, secure and couldn’t be more in love than we are! The only issue is he is on temporary duty on an island in the Caribbean. He went on assignment in January. I knew this would either be the demise of the relationship or completely solidify it. We see each other for long weekends about every 6 weeks. We talk on the phone for about 2-3 hours every week night and for hours on end during the weekends. We Facetime every other week (when he is at a hotel and can get WiFi). Thank goodness for cell phones. I think that because we can’t “do” stuff together and the only contact we can have until we see each other is a call/texts, it has caused us to communicate in ways we never have. I just can’t express how wonderful it is.

 I truly believe this was the way it was meant to happen. I think having someone in my life 24-7 after my nine years of being independent would have been too much for me to handle. I even now feel suffocated every once in awhile. So, this temporary assignment give us a few years in a long distance relationship where I can slowly become close to someone. When it is over and we move in together, I’ll be ready for the 24-7.

 Happy Happy Happy!!!

Giving him time

He asked for time to think...time to figure things out. I promised myself I wouldn’t contact him. But, it tortures me that I miss him so much. I so want to reach out to him. See how his day is going. Whine about mine and feel his sympathy. Not that he always did these things, but I miss him none the less. I hate the thought that it will be over between us. And, I realize it isn’t that I hate the thought of being alone, but actually hate the thought of not having him.

I’m trying to prepare myself for his decision that he can no longer handle being in a LDR. I’ve had bad dreams the last couple of nights about it. The one that sticks out in my mind the most seems to be haunting me. I made a call to his new apt. it was answered by his ex-wife. It didn’t seem odd to me at the time. Then, I realized I had become a third party in a conversation she was having with his mother. His ex was telling his mother that he had just installed the remote that she had sent to them. I was visualizing her there in his apt. with him, thinking it was odd that she was helping him. Then his mother asked her if she had any news on “the relationship”. I first thought it was about the ex and CB’s relationship. But , her answer proved otherwise. She said, “yes. It is just a flirtation. Nothing more. He has no relationship with her.” I went crazy. Wanted to listen some more but wanted ot call and confront him. So I hung up and called his cell. He answered but was pretending we had a bad connection. I was furious and started yelling at him….telling him that I knew he had lied to his ex and told her that there was nothing between he and I. I was screaming at him telling him what a shithead he was, etc. I told him I knew she was there and if he had heard me, all I needed him to say was “yes.” He did, I hung up and then woke up.

It is killing me today to think that I’m losing him. I do care tremendously about him. Maybe I’m realizing this because of hanging out with a couple friends the last couple of days. The guys are nice enough, but I have no interest in them. I’m sure it is too early to start another relationship, but was hoping that by being distracted with other men, I might start to realize that I wasn’t giving up all that much. Instead, I am realizing what I am giving up and it is making me so sad.

I’m hoping and praying the electricity gets turned on today or tomorrow and he still wants me to come this weekend. IF for no other reason, I’ll get to see him one last time.

Life Sucks

The Vegas trip put a kibosh on my weight loss. Actually gained a couple...ugh! We walked and hiked a lot, but we also ate junkfood and consumed too much alcohol. So, the weight is up and the belly looks awful. The weather sucks! I'm supposed ot fly out on Thursday at 2 p.m. And, a big, huge winter storm is making it's way up the east coast. When is it supposed to hit me? Yep, that's right, on Wednesday evening through Thursday night. FUCKING hate the damn winter and the way it fucks with my plans. And, Cabana boy sucks. Mother fucker. He isn't sure his place will be ready by Friday....so.....he might want me to cancel the trip. He isn't sure if his utilities will be on and won't know til tomorrow afternoon. In the meantime, in order to change my flight, I need to have a heads up as soon as possible because of the fucking weather. I am pretty sure I'll need to move my trip. I can't move it yet because the storm isn't close enough. SW will let me change whenever if I move off Thursday...probably as of tomorrow morning. But he won't know about his utilities until tomorrow morning. And, I've been laying into him - last night and today. I'm tired of his bullshit and feel like I need to be treated better. My heart is breaking. I really feel like the relationshp has come to an end. Actually texting him right now and asked if he wanted me in his life. Waitng on his reply now.....Still pressing to wait to talk tonight. I feel like again, he is going to try and pacify me by telling me this and that. But quite frankly, if I cancel my trip, the relationship is over. I'm done with his BS.

Post CB resolutions

So now with Cabana boy having moved back to the island, I've determined to get myself into amazing shape. First stop is eating less. I've been doing that for a few weeks now and back down to my "heavy weight". Yep a few years ago, I had my heavy weight and light weight, usually corresponding to winter and summer. But, the heavy weight became the norm and then with the relationship came the 10 lb gain due to eating together and driking wine 5-6 nights a week. So, for the past few weeks, I've been on severe calorie restrictions and i"m happy to say, it's working. Next step is workout schedule... Back to volleyball 2 nights a week. Adding yoga to the routine for after vball. And, then, need to add to the other two work week nights. Typical activities include running and yoga for my winter work outs. But I tend to slack on those. Saw a gym online today that is a trampoline gym with 1 hour work out sessions...sooooo....I'm thinking of adding that to one night a week...well, at least try it out once to see how it goes. The third and more drawn out s the quitting of the nicotine that I've been taking in for about a year now. Waxing and waning....mostly becaues of CB. So with him out of the picture, I'm thinking I can complete that break up and be done with the nastiness. I do enjoy it so much, though. But am trying to replace it with other things...too bad CB is gone and I can't use sex as one of the replacements...tee hee!!! Any way, by the time Valentine's day comes round, I'm expectign to be down another 5 lbs (not setting my expectation too high), more tone and nicotine free! That way, if the loser wants to dump my ass, he'll be dumping one hot chick. hahaha. ANy way, I feel like I need to keep a Bridget Jones type diary...you know X calories, X exercise, X cigs, X X-rated dreams... Could be entertaining but then again, it's been done and well, no one would be interested. So, I'll occassionally write an update as to how things are going....which means you'll probably never hear about this again....hahahahaha!!!

LT Relationship, day 3

The last week before he moved back to PR was wonderful. He was more loving and affectionate then he had been in the past. He wanted to spend time with me and postponed things to be with me. It felt really good and I was hopeful. But now, 3 days later, I fully expect him to let me down. I fully expect him not to keep up his end of the bargain and to keep in touch with me. I’m glad I bought the plane tickets and let him know when I did (last week), because if I had waited until now, I wouldn’t do it. He initially told me he’d need some time to get settled and to start to re-establish a relationship with his son. But, over the past few days, he hasn’t paid the attention to me that I wanted. He turned his phone from ring to vibrate while he was at his ex-wife’s house with his son. It is a shitty feeling to know that he will ignore me when he is with them. He ignored my text and my call. A half hour later, he had turned the ringer back on (or so I’m guessing from the type of ring I got) and answered the phone when I called just to tell me he’d call me back. He never bothered to answer my text. It makes me feel like an optional part of his life. So today, I will not text nor call. I plan to keep it up for the rest of the week. He needs to feel my absence and realize that he is being a jerk. If he stays away, I’m done with this. Pretty sad when after 1-1/2 years, it takes less than a week of LT relationship to destroy what we had. But then again, I’ve always questioned what we had….

Don't take him away

Don’t take him away from me
Not now when life is good.
Don’t take him away from me
I’d accept this if I could.

My heart aches endlessly
And tears fill my eyes
Don’t take him away from me
I can’t bear to say good bye!

I’m scared, no, I’m terrified
Of missing him each day
Don’t take him away from me
I hate feeling this way.

It is the right thing to do
I’m sure it’s part of Your plan
But don’t take him from me
Can you see I need this man?

If you must take him from me
Please surround me with love
Hold me gently in Your hands
And guide me from above.

Hear my cries, oh precious Lord
I will resolutely honor thee
It is right; take him away
Though, soon return him to me.

Just past the one year mark

We've talked ad nauseum about his ex and her texting. I'm not happy about it but trying to be understanding...because I believe he truly cares for me and that he isn't interested in getting back with her. But, I can tell from the texts, that is exactly her intent. Sending pictures of the their dog. Trying to see where he is so she can "run into" him. All of this "new" because a few months ago she wasn't doing this. I'm guessing she was dating someone else at that time. Now she is single and trying to get him back. It is hard, for someone who is as insecure as I am, to not let this behavior drive me crazy. But this week, he is going out of his way to help me out. Boo's car broke and we needed an additional vehicle. I gave her mine and he is letting me use his since he can take the bus into work. it is very sweet of him. He is so understanding of what needs to be done to take care of our kids. I love that!

I wanted to walk away a few times. It has felt like he hasn't put me as a priority that I want to be in his life. But, it hurts too much to walk away. So, for now, i'll stick it out and hold onto the hope that his feelings are true.

Insecure

She's trying to get back into his life and I am terrified. We've been together for a year and I believe he loves me and won't cheat. But, I don't believe he is fully over her and that if she tried to get him back that he wouldn't go. My heart aches. I'm not sure how to ask him to ask her to stop texting him. he knows it bothers me and assures me that it is nothing and she doesn't want him back. I know better. I know how calculating women can be. Every insecurity from every man that has ever cheated on me has come flooding back. And, my heart is breaking....

stuff

I want to be someone’s dream girl.

I want to hear, “as you wish.”

I want someone who understands when my insecurities rear their ugly head and realize they are my issues and not theirs. But is still kind and caring about it.

I don’t want to be someone to pass the time away.

Get it together

A couple of weeks ago, I went away for a long (Labor Day) weekend. While away...I exercised 4 of the 5 days. I also ate and drank more than I had wanted to. Since I got back, I decided I needed to refocus my life. I am now keeping a Bridget Jones'eqe type diary...just the food, exercise, alcohol, tabacco consumption type! I won't post it here becuase it is quite boring. But my goal is 20 lbs in 10 weeks. that is only 2 lbs a week. I plan to limit caloric intake (doing okay this week) and increase physical activity until I hit my goal. I want to fit into my skinny clothes again. Hell, I want to fit into my "average or winter weight clothes"! The meds I was on after my surgery helped me to pack on an additonal 6-10 pounds. I'll be thrilled when they are the first to go!

This new foucs has left little time for BF. you know the one I've been seeing for about a year. We are going through growing pains. I'm irritated with his lack of commitment or ability to act like I'm a priority. Yet, he freaks out when I try to walk away. I just don't know what to do there. So, it is kinda nice to have a distraction from him. Hard part is I don't like having "loose ends". And, I kinda see the ignoring him as unfinished business. Do I want him or not. He still posses all the beautiful qualities I need in a partner...honest, sincere, kind, private, smart, funny, sexy as all hell, and my dog likes him. But, his other qualities plague my insecurity. He isn't overtly affectionate and doesn't like to talk about the "tough" things. He worries incessantly about when he'll move away...even though that isn't on the books for awhile. These things just drive a wedge between us. I'm not sure I can make it through it. Today is his birthday. So, I'll be sweet and ever present for him. But, then I won't see him all weekend until Sunday afternoon. And, then I won't see him all next week. with this type of pattern, it is just a matter of time before I'm weaned off him...

Times when I hate being right

It wasn't my insecurity.  something happened to Cabana boy and his distance was really.  We split up last night.  Never a good reason from him other than he can't give me what I want... a long term committed relationship.  but I wasn't asking for one right away.  But, I guess the heartache from his last relationship was too much and he couldn't see a future with me.  My heart hurts so bad.  I just want to crawl into a hole and cry for days.  I'm not sure when the tears will stop.  I wish I had been wrong. That there had been no distance there.  That it was just me being insecure...but I wasn't.  And now, I hurt all over. 

Continue to ride the coaster or get off the ride?

I'm scared.  I don't want to admit it but I am.  I want certainty...not this uncertain feeling I have with Cabana boy.  He is too distant at times.  He expects me to do all the planning and ensuring we spend time together. It doesn't seem fair or right to me.  I want him to make me feel wanted...and right now I'm not getting that.

yesterday I came home from a 5 day trip.  He picked me up at the airport and came back to my place with me.  We spent some time loving on the crazy dog and then went upstairs.  I tackled him and kissed him for a bit.  He teased me that I hurt him.  I got up to get away from him and he asked where I was going.  I said, "I don't know."  He was confused.  I stayed with him and we just talked and cuddled for a bit.  I rubbed his legs (thighs) and he rubbed my hair.  It felt good. 

It seems like that exchange is an analogy to our relationship.  He does something that makes me want to show him how much I care but then  his reaction pushes me away.  When I move away, he gets confused and asks me to come back. Then, it feels good for awhile.  But then, the cycle repeats.

I can take some of the blame due to my insecurity. But, also feel like some of the issue lies with him and his ability to truly connect with me.  I want to run away from this.  But, the last time I tried, I was miserable.  What is worse?  Staying on the is rollercoaster or giving up?

Insecurities

I really have to learn how to prevent my insecurities from getting the best of me.  I know he adores me and wants to be with me.  But damn, I get so terrified...How do I ever stop this????

Today's thoughts

About Face

Weird stuff....

So last week at this point, I was pretty sure things were ending with Cabana Boy.  But this week, things have taken an about face.

So I totally backed off in my communication with him.  Answered him when he texted using feeling messages in order to stay open to him but did not initiate communication/plans.  And since then he has completely stepped up.  Yesterday he even wrote, "I want to see you."  So bizarre. 

I hope I haven't stepped on a roller coaster.  I will keep him at arms length but continue to enjoy his company.  Maybe he just needed to step back and see my response...get a little space.  Who knows...boys are retarded!

VD...

It’s been a bizarre VD. It is as if a chapter in my life is about to close.


You see it started off with my heart being ever so heavy. Cabana boy texted at 7:41, “Happy February 14”. I’m sure there will be no cards, flowers or presents from him. That will be all I get from him this year. It broke my heart. Then, I receive a text from my Best Friend telling me her back is killing her and she doesn’t think she can hang out tonight. I had already turned down an invitation from another friend. And suddenly the thought of being alone tonight made me absolutely distraught. I knew I couldn’t do it. The only solace I had was I’d walk into my office and my Valentine’s Day surprise from my Faithful Friend would be waiting for me. But it wasn’t there. I proceeded to receive text message after text message from my GFs wishing me a happy VD.

I open my email and there is a message from my Faithful Friend telling me that he almost fell on the black ice. That he has a surprise for me but he didn’t want to try and brave walking up here to drop it off. I thought about walking down to get it and realized how selfish I was being. I decided to write him a poem telling him how much he has meant to me over the years. So, I wrote it. It has been a long time since I wrote a poem for Valentine’s Day…like since the cowardly ex. Finally, I finished it and decided to bring it down to him.

When I got there, the guy with whom I had my first relationship with after the cowardly ex was there. We have remained friends since our break up. But, I hadn’t seen him in a long time. We were together my first newly single VD. I had told him the week leading up to it, how much I was dreading the day. He told me he was spending the night with his cat, as he had several years prior. He inspired me to make brownies and bring them in for all my friends on VD. He is one man that I will always think of, with love in my heart, on VD.

My Faithful Friend read my poem and enjoyed it. He also gave me his gift. A slight twist on the normal theme. Love it!


Later, when I went into the cafeteria, a song was playing on the radio. “I will try to love again. The first cut is the deepest.” This song reminds me again of that year when the cowardly ex left… the first few months with Dev. I wouldn’t call it that a relationship- just two broken people clinging to each other as we navigated the troubled waters of life. The song brought me back to that.

Seems odd that three things bring me back to eight years ago in my life. I was so broken and hurt then. Absolutely devastated. I’m not any more. Just sad that things are coming to an end with Cabana boy. Perhaps this is God’s way of reminding me of where I was so I know where he is. I don’t need to understand that. I don’t want to accept it. I just have to accept it cuz I learned way back then there is a difference between facts and decisions. Too many people spend too much time trying to change facts…as the wise PR once told me. A fact cannot be changed – just has to be accepted. And, whether I like it or not, I have to accept this fact. But, it doesn’t mean I’ll be happy about it.

My only hope is that in accepting this fact, I have somehow grown. And that these indicators of a chapter that is about to close in my life means these 8 years of shitty VDs will be over. That next VD I’ll be with someone I love and who loves me. Maybe, just maybe I can hope for that.

Time for a change!

I know I can be a fucking, whiny-ass bitch.  I also know I'm terrible at asking for what I want in a relationship.  But from here on out, that isn't going to be the case.  I'm crafting a letter to my cabana boy.  I love him dearly but have to ask for my needs to be met.  I expect he'll walk away.  I'm not sure he is ready for what I want and I don't want to waste time waiting around for it.  It is going to tear my heart out when he walks away...but I am ready for it.

Gertrude Stein defined love as "the skillful audacity required to share an inner life."  It suggests that expressing the truth about who you are is not something that amateurs do very well: Practice and ingenuity are required. I am willing to practice this and be committed to that practice.

Her quote also implies that courage is an essential element of successful intimacy. You've got to be adventurous if you want to weave your life together with another's.  I am ready to be courageous, adventurous and strong. 

I want a beautiful, loving, caring relationship where both parties know it is scary but aren't going to let the fear tear them apart. They are willing to be truthful and courageous.  I want this!  I want true love.

"Sometimes the things that may or may not be true are the things a man needs to believe in the most. That people are basically good; that honor, courage, and virtue mean everything; that power and money, money and power mean nothing; that good always triumphs over evil; and I want you to remember this, that love... true love never dies. You remember that, boy. You remember that. Doesn't matter if it's true or not. You see, a man should believe in those things, because those are the things worth believing in. " ~ Hub (Second Hand Lions)

Confused

He’s honest, caring and so easy to be with.  He is consistent and true.  But terrified.  He is afraid of getting hurt or causing hurt to me.  He knows his time here is limited so, instead of taking a chance, he is thinking of playing it safe.  I don’t know what to do.  We are amazingly compatible.   I haven’t felt this comfortable with anyone in a long time.  I don’t want to give him up but not sure I can handle his fears and reservations.  I don’t know how to reassure him. 

Last night he told me, “I’m willing to take whatever it is that you will offer me.”  Sadly, I’m not sure what I can offer to someone who isn’t sure what he can offer back.  I don’t think I can walk away from him.  I will give him plenty of space – thus giving me plenty of space.  Of course, his frequent travels seem to help with that space thing.  I will tell him when my feelings are hurt.  I will ask for what I want.  But, I don’t know where my heart is and what I am going to do. 

Never understand guys part 2

So I said I'd tell you about X.  As it turns out several months ago, when I was dating MKP, a couple of the girls made a comment to X.   MKP and I were at a party along with X.  X and I were having our usual banter back and forth.  The girls noticed that MKP seemed uncomfortable and said something to X.  X ended up avoiding me for the rest of the party.  He also withdrew from our friendship.  I may or may not have noticed it.  I can't say.  All I know is that trivia started to not be as much fun for me.  I started to avoid weeks when X was there (he can only go every other week).  And, we drew further and further apart. 

Last Monday, I was feeling particularly touchy about the way X continuously picked on me along with the Preacher.  Then I got called out on supposedly being mean to someone else.  So I decided to quit trivia.  I texted the preacher and she seemed fine with it.  Then, I texted X.  He was a bit concerned.  He ended up calling me about it.  We chatted for a pretty long time.  We came to the conclusion that we totally missed each other.  I told him I thought I had lost my friend and he told me he felt like he was waiting for his friend to return.  It felt good to understand what was going on between us.

I noticed there are times when I just get upset with people but can't put my finger on what is agitating me.  I guess I felt the withdrawal from X and then just felt hurt by it.  And, instead of taking time to understand the hurt and talk about it, I pulled away from him.  He never told me he was pulling away because I was dating someone and when he noticed me pulling away, he pulled away more.  Quite the vicious circle.

I told him he never had to pull away from me for the sake of a BF again.  That if I'm dating someone and they have an issue with his and my friendship, it is their issue, not his.  That I would resolve it.  That he didn't need to listen to other people.  But if he did get to the point where he felt he needed to withdraw to please talk to me about it.  I don't ever want to have our friendship take a hiatus like that again. 

Good news is I think Cabana boy has no issues with my male friends and tendency to flirt.  I was flirting a lot at the old west party and he never said anything or seemed upset by it. And, last night, we were talking about the QB for the 49'ers and how he is my secret BF....so secret even he doesn't know.  When he came on for an interview, Cabana boy turned up the volume and let me watch.  Although, I told him over and over again to mute it.  That Colin sounded dumber and dumber by the minute and I was going to have to break up with him before he even found out he was my BF.   Cabana boy just laughed. 

I won't understand him but at least he seems okay with my flirtatious nature!!!