Giving him time

He asked for time to think...time to figure things out. I promised myself I wouldn’t contact him. But, it tortures me that I miss him so much. I so want to reach out to him. See how his day is going. Whine about mine and feel his sympathy. Not that he always did these things, but I miss him none the less. I hate the thought that it will be over between us. And, I realize it isn’t that I hate the thought of being alone, but actually hate the thought of not having him.

I’m trying to prepare myself for his decision that he can no longer handle being in a LDR. I’ve had bad dreams the last couple of nights about it. The one that sticks out in my mind the most seems to be haunting me. I made a call to his new apt. it was answered by his ex-wife. It didn’t seem odd to me at the time. Then, I realized I had become a third party in a conversation she was having with his mother. His ex was telling his mother that he had just installed the remote that she had sent to them. I was visualizing her there in his apt. with him, thinking it was odd that she was helping him. Then his mother asked her if she had any news on “the relationship”. I first thought it was about the ex and CB’s relationship. But , her answer proved otherwise. She said, “yes. It is just a flirtation. Nothing more. He has no relationship with her.” I went crazy. Wanted to listen some more but wanted ot call and confront him. So I hung up and called his cell. He answered but was pretending we had a bad connection. I was furious and started yelling at him….telling him that I knew he had lied to his ex and told her that there was nothing between he and I. I was screaming at him telling him what a shithead he was, etc. I told him I knew she was there and if he had heard me, all I needed him to say was “yes.” He did, I hung up and then woke up.

It is killing me today to think that I’m losing him. I do care tremendously about him. Maybe I’m realizing this because of hanging out with a couple friends the last couple of days. The guys are nice enough, but I have no interest in them. I’m sure it is too early to start another relationship, but was hoping that by being distracted with other men, I might start to realize that I wasn’t giving up all that much. Instead, I am realizing what I am giving up and it is making me so sad.

I’m hoping and praying the electricity gets turned on today or tomorrow and he still wants me to come this weekend. IF for no other reason, I’ll get to see him one last time.