Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Life's storms















The snow storms we’ve gotten this winter kind of remind me of the storms of my life. When the first one came, I was not prepared. I went out to clear away the snow just to discover that my snow blower wasn’t working. I shoveled the “first round” that storm by myself. I had the kids help with the ones after and then our neighbor came to the rescue and finished the job (with his bob cat). Then next few storms were small and while they required a bit of work, I was able to handle them on my own.

I was sick when the first storm of February came. I didn’t have the energy to deal with the storm. I slept late and then went out. My lungs were burning as I shoveled. I did only what was necessary to bail myself out. I figured the kids could dig out their cars on their own. And they did. I think our neighbor came by and cleared out what they missed since there wasn’t any snow to be dealt with when I got home from work.

I wasn’t worried about the big storm that was about to come. But, I decided I should prepare to fix the snow blower. I brought home all the supplies I would need. The storm arrived Friday night. And, I wasn’t certain of my ability to fix the snow blower, so I went out late Friday night and did a first shovel. The snow was heavier and harder to clear out. I took ibuprofen before I went to bed to try and ward off the muscle aches. I slept late then next morning and was surprised I wasn’t achy. It must have been the earlier storms that had gotten my muscles into shape.

When I looked outside, I saw we had well over a foot of snow. I set about to fixing the snow blower. It took about an hour but I managed to fix it. I was thankful for the instructions my friends had provided. I even prayed and asked Him for help. And, finally the snow blower started. It was still hard work to clear out the snow from the sidewalks and driveway. I ended up with bruises on my legs from running into the blower. But, it was a lot easier than doing it by hand. I was careful not to throw my snow onto my one neighbor Gary’s drive way. I cleared out as much as I could for the girls and also cleared out my other neighbor. The teenage boy showed up to visit his gf, creating a bigger mess. But the next day, Gary came by to help clean up all that was left and created a path down our road, as well. During the big storm, I managed to have a good time. I baked, I cooked, I took pictures and I played in the snow.

It’s funny how these incidents seem to coincide with the battles of my life – the last one in particular. It was the big storm in my life that caused me to not rely on just my self. I turned to and received outside help from my friends, my neighbors and God. I had been strengthened and able to deal with it. Even when the kids made a bigger mess, there was still help that came along to clean up the mess. In working through my issues, I made sure I didn’t create a mess for others. I also worked to help others out, where I could. And, I tried to make the best of the situation and enjoy myself.

Three days later, we are expecting another big storm – so lovingly nicknamed Sno-verkill. The first storm is barely cleared up. The bruises aren’t healed. And here comes another storm to dump on me. And, the forecast says yet another is to follow. And that is how my life feels right now – storm after storm with no time to heal. And, while I’m trying to enjoy the silver lining and rejoice in my victories, all I can see are the storms to come. All the time wondering when will they stop? When will the bruises heal? When will the mess finally be cleared away and the sun shine down on me?

As for the local weather, I know spring will come. I know it will be absolutely fabulous this year. I am actually predicting an early one. I just wish I had as much faith in my life that spring will come early…heck, I wonder if one will ever come.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Snow-a-thon

We got hit with a winter storm that lasted a little over 24 hours and dumped about 30" of snow on us. It was pretty cool. I love the snow. So today I went outside and built me a snow man, but the snow crocodile (pictured here) ate him. The bastard!

I'm trying to figure out what the snow is supposed to be telling me. You see, I love the snow. And, all through out my life, the snow has been sent to comfort me.

It first started when I was 17 and traumatized by something most 17 year olds shouldn't have to go through. I remember looking out the picture window in my living room as the snow came down...the flakes literally danced as they fell to the ground. It was beautiful. A sense of peace came over me, as if God had wrapped me in his arms and told me everything was going to be alright. And, with time, everything was.

Then when the sneaky, lying ex left, again I was devastated, dealing with a blow that no one ever deserves. Right before Christmas, a holiday I didn't have the heart to celebrate, there was snow- which is pretty rare for this area. And, the snow comforted me again, yet in a different way. There was hope in that snowfall. I don't know how to describe it. Just there was hope.

Each time in my life when things seem bad, the snow comes for me. This winter, there has been storm after storm, almost always on the weekend. Since PJ told me he doesn't want to have a life with me, one that I desire, any way, I've been heart broken. I've been more than heart broken I've lost hope and faith. I've lost hope that I'll ever be happy again. Not just content, but truly happy in finding someone who can love me the way I love them. Someone who finds complete joy in being in my company. Someone who is smart, but loves to joke around, who I am completely and utterly attracted to. I don't believe he exists. I truly believe that PJ was it, my last hope of finding someone that I could love and trust. Because, i don't think I have the capacity to trust someone new- to believe in someone with that same innocence that I once had, that I still had for PJ. No, I've completely lost hope that there is someone out there for me.

And, with that loss of hope went my faith. It is so fragile right now. I try to understand that God wants us to praise Him with no hope of anything in return. That he wants us to do His work while we are here. And, I try to do these things. I try to be a good neighbor. But, I can't do what He expects of me any more, not with a glad heart. Because my heart is not glad. It can't be glad with all the pain that I have in it. I do want to believe in Him - to believe He really exists and will one day give me the desires of my heart. But I really don't feel it much any more. It is as if I am going through the motions. I do find joy in helping other people...so today, I shovelled out a parking place and a path for my one neighbor and made the other neighbors favorite pie. I did the Christian things not because they are Christian but because they are just the right thing to do. Whether there is a God or not, we should take care of our fellow humans. I know that in my heart.

So while I have neither faith nor hope, I still have love. It is the greatest of these three. So maybe that is why God sent me my snow. Unfortunately, I didn't feel as though He wrapped me in his arms and held me like I did when I was 17. Nor did I feel the hope he sent me five years ago when my world had been shattered. No, this snow didn't bring either. It brought me the opportunity to act independently and fix a snow blower that didn't want to be fixed. It brought me the opportunity to show love and kindness to my neighbors. And, it brought me the time and (enough) snow to make sculptures in the snow.

I just wish I knew why. Why did He send me the snow this time?

Thursday, February 4, 2010

sTill sick

I'm still sick today. My chest was burning this morning but is a bit better now. I feel better about the friend thing. I do believe that my friend won't ever change, so I have to figure out what to do about it. How close of a friend I want to be, etc.

I'm doping myself up and contemplating a shower. I have some social commitments that I am thinking of trying to make today. It's my bf's birthday and she is planning on heading up here to go out with some friends. I can't let her down. Plus a meeting with friends from church. I really feel bad if I were to get anyone sick. Hopefully I'm not contagious.

Big snow is coming soon! Hooray for me! Wish BFE was here to make breakfast while I shovel! Gosh I miss her. I miss all the silly little things. Wonder if I'll ever fall in love with a man like I loved her. Too bad we weren't gay. We'd have been together forever.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!!!!!

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Self absorbed

I have a friend who I think is a bit self absorbed. it always seems to have to be about what is going on in their world. Very rarely do they take interest in my life. I try not to complain or make things all about me, but feel like there are times when I want a little bit of attention. I want a litttle bit of it to be about me. I had a biopsy this week. The only friends who know are people who asked me about it. My friend doesn't know. I told him a couple of times I had a doctor's appointment but he never asked why. He actually forgot about it and was mad because I didn't mention lunch to him that day.

It is funny how normally it doesn't bother me. But when I really needed to have a little bit of attention given to me and my needs, I didn't get it. So now I'm pretty sad over the whole thing. And, it is making me reevaluate all my friendships. It seems like most are a bit one sided. My counsellor once told me that it would be so wonderful for me to find someone who was as giving as I was. BFE is like that. But really, other than her, i haven't found many others who really seem to care about other people. I wonder why I surround myself with people like that.

Well, I'm going home sick. I really shouldn't have gone to work today. But, maybe, as I lie in bed trying to get rid of this sickness, I'll take some time to understand why I don't find friends who are more concerned with my well being. Probably because they are all like me, consumed with other people's problems...people who don't take the time to care back!

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Drifting

Spinning
Spiraling
Soaring up high

Twisting
Twirling
Turning the tide

That is the way days go
This is the song I know
North wind is gonna blow

Flitting
Fluttering
Floating on by

Dancing
Dallying
Drifting I hide

This is the song I know
North winds gonna blow
Looking for the snow.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Faith

My BFE posted this song by Jordan Sparks. I'm glad she did. I need to hear it. I wish it would just sink in and I could believe it.

Hey there sad eyes.
What's on your mind?
Don't look so down.
Give it some time.

You don't have to be so hard on yourself.
I know the world can be a brutal place.
Please don't let it steal your smile away.

Cause when the sky's the darkest,
You can see the stars.
And when you fall the hardest,
You find how strong you are.

Close your eyes, rest awhile.
It's been a long long day.
So come on baby, baby have a little faith.

Let those tears fall,
You gave it your all.
It's all you can do.
I'll be here for you.
And there goes your pride,
Crushed on the ground.
Sometimes it takes a wall to tumble down,
For you to see who's gonna stick around.

Cause when the sky's the darkest,
You can see the stars.
And when you fall the hardest,
You find how strong you are.

Close your eyes, rest awhile.
It's been a long long day.
So come on baby, baby have a little faith.

Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better yeah.
And it takes so much to be brave.
Sometimes it feels like forever.
But when all the lights begin to fade.

And when the sky's the darkest,
You can see the stars.
And when you fall the hardest,
You find how strong you are.

Close your eyes, rest awhile.
It's been a long long day.
So come on baby, baby have a little faith..
Have a little faith.
Ooh, oh, ooh
.Have a little faith.
Have a little faith.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Affinity

Excuse me while I bleed on you
Perhaps you’re broken, too
Suffocating lips of blue

Cloudy skies filled with rain
Cancer called just a stain
Denial, repressed pain

Battles lost without the fight
Caverns detached from the light
Stoic wrong or right

Messages of cheery thought
Happiness that can’t be bought
Garbage that you caught

After living with a cheat
I have for you such a treat
Pardon me and my feet


I read a text from a friend while listening to a Regina Spektor song today. The result was the above poem. Each stanza reflects some aspect of a person in my life...whether it be their past, present or a mishmash of both. All except the last one. that one is my cry to the big G.

I feel guilty for feeling bad about my heartache. I have so much more than most but still the emotional pain seems to overshadow it all.

I wonder what the results of the upcoming test will reveal about me. I wonder if it is another trial placed before me or will be nothing at all. I'm definitely not Job and this time, i'm afraid I'll fail.