Snow-a-thon

We got hit with a winter storm that lasted a little over 24 hours and dumped about 30" of snow on us. It was pretty cool. I love the snow. So today I went outside and built me a snow man, but the snow crocodile (pictured here) ate him. The bastard!

I'm trying to figure out what the snow is supposed to be telling me. You see, I love the snow. And, all through out my life, the snow has been sent to comfort me.

It first started when I was 17 and traumatized by something most 17 year olds shouldn't have to go through. I remember looking out the picture window in my living room as the snow came down...the flakes literally danced as they fell to the ground. It was beautiful. A sense of peace came over me, as if God had wrapped me in his arms and told me everything was going to be alright. And, with time, everything was.

Then when the sneaky, lying ex left, again I was devastated, dealing with a blow that no one ever deserves. Right before Christmas, a holiday I didn't have the heart to celebrate, there was snow- which is pretty rare for this area. And, the snow comforted me again, yet in a different way. There was hope in that snowfall. I don't know how to describe it. Just there was hope.

Each time in my life when things seem bad, the snow comes for me. This winter, there has been storm after storm, almost always on the weekend. Since PJ told me he doesn't want to have a life with me, one that I desire, any way, I've been heart broken. I've been more than heart broken I've lost hope and faith. I've lost hope that I'll ever be happy again. Not just content, but truly happy in finding someone who can love me the way I love them. Someone who finds complete joy in being in my company. Someone who is smart, but loves to joke around, who I am completely and utterly attracted to. I don't believe he exists. I truly believe that PJ was it, my last hope of finding someone that I could love and trust. Because, i don't think I have the capacity to trust someone new- to believe in someone with that same innocence that I once had, that I still had for PJ. No, I've completely lost hope that there is someone out there for me.

And, with that loss of hope went my faith. It is so fragile right now. I try to understand that God wants us to praise Him with no hope of anything in return. That he wants us to do His work while we are here. And, I try to do these things. I try to be a good neighbor. But, I can't do what He expects of me any more, not with a glad heart. Because my heart is not glad. It can't be glad with all the pain that I have in it. I do want to believe in Him - to believe He really exists and will one day give me the desires of my heart. But I really don't feel it much any more. It is as if I am going through the motions. I do find joy in helping other people...so today, I shovelled out a parking place and a path for my one neighbor and made the other neighbors favorite pie. I did the Christian things not because they are Christian but because they are just the right thing to do. Whether there is a God or not, we should take care of our fellow humans. I know that in my heart.

So while I have neither faith nor hope, I still have love. It is the greatest of these three. So maybe that is why God sent me my snow. Unfortunately, I didn't feel as though He wrapped me in his arms and held me like I did when I was 17. Nor did I feel the hope he sent me five years ago when my world had been shattered. No, this snow didn't bring either. It brought me the opportunity to act independently and fix a snow blower that didn't want to be fixed. It brought me the opportunity to show love and kindness to my neighbors. And, it brought me the time and (enough) snow to make sculptures in the snow.

I just wish I knew why. Why did He send me the snow this time?