It is amazing how a couple of weeks can change my outlook on life. Not really a surprise, but still absolutely wonderful. Writing usually helps me to get a handle on my emotions and what I found was I felt like I was wandering. I talked to the preacher about it and she really helped me to feel better and direct my thoughts/actions.
My relationship with the big G is much better. I’ve been reading the bible more and spending more time in reflection and prayer. I still haven’t found a church but for some reason, I’m feeling much better about it.
I met the new boss at work. He is a good guy – very cute. I can’t believe I’ve gone my whole career without having good looking bosses/associates and wham! In this job – an exceptionally good looking co-worker and a hot boss….all within a 4 month period of time. LOL. He seems quite down to earth and reasonable…which is what I really need in a boss. He is located in another state – which is nice….although, he calls me at ridiculous times to talk about work. Oh well. Can’t have everything.
I’m dating this guy…I shouldn’t jinx it. But will just say, he is absolutely adorable. And, he is very attentive and good to me. We’ll see.
Boo seems to be hanging in there and doing well. Yay!
Life is good!
Monday, October 22, 2012
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Lately
I haven't had much time for reflecting or writing lately. Six months into the new job and I am finally starting to feel like I can keep my head above water. Finally not just fire fighting...although, still not totally doing everything i think the job truly entails. It isn't 2nd nature for me, so I have to keep a list in front of me at all times and constantly refer back to what I should be doing. The early morning and evening meetings kill me, too. We have one at 9:30 p.m. that I have blown off the last few weeks because it is just plain annoying, should not need me and I don't want to either stop my plans or interupt my relaxation for the meeting. One of these days, that might bite me in the ass, though.
Everything is going smoothly with Boo. There are days when my heart breaks because of her "mentor teacher" issues. But I have to remind myself I can't fix the world for her...despite all my efforts to. I just hope she sticks with teaching because I know she loves the kids and will be a fabulous influence on their little minds and hearts.
My very good friend, M&M is going through some really rough times lately. He has been an absolutely lousy friend to all his friends. A couple of our mutual friends have no desire to deal with him because of it. I have years of history with him where he has been my friend, confident, goof ball companion, giver of (usually bad) advice, drinking buddy, shopping partner, etc. So, of course, I'm sticking by him. Hope I don't get burnt by it. Men have proven to be lousy at giving my trust to.
Well, I leave for a long weekend soon...yay! I totally need this time away. I'm hoping it will give me the rest I need to enter the crazy holiday season. I already have conflicting invites for Halloween and Turkey day. Dang! How does this happen??? LOL.
I will try to be better at this writing thing....hahahahahah.........
Everything is going smoothly with Boo. There are days when my heart breaks because of her "mentor teacher" issues. But I have to remind myself I can't fix the world for her...despite all my efforts to. I just hope she sticks with teaching because I know she loves the kids and will be a fabulous influence on their little minds and hearts.
My very good friend, M&M is going through some really rough times lately. He has been an absolutely lousy friend to all his friends. A couple of our mutual friends have no desire to deal with him because of it. I have years of history with him where he has been my friend, confident, goof ball companion, giver of (usually bad) advice, drinking buddy, shopping partner, etc. So, of course, I'm sticking by him. Hope I don't get burnt by it. Men have proven to be lousy at giving my trust to.
Well, I leave for a long weekend soon...yay! I totally need this time away. I'm hoping it will give me the rest I need to enter the crazy holiday season. I already have conflicting invites for Halloween and Turkey day. Dang! How does this happen??? LOL.
I will try to be better at this writing thing....hahahahahah.........
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Lamo
It may seem as I have been lame in posting, but it truly isn't the case. I posted all July long - in my travel blog. If you don't know where it is, then I probably didn't tell you. But, I did tell my 300+ FB friends. LOL. It really is just pictures and commentary on my European work/vacation trip. That ended over a month ago you say? So, yes, I truly have been lamo in posting.
Since then, I've caught up on work - which is the most oober stressful place in the world and needs to be rectified eventually....when Boo stops sucking the money from my bank accounts. I've bought a new car - sucking some more money from my bank account. Been riding the motorcycle - yet another money suck. And trying to get the yard back from the jungle like state it ended up in during my 30% occupancy this summer. I'd hire me some yard boys for that task, except all the money has been sucked! Physical labor is good for me any way!
What? No man keeping my attention? There has been a parade but in general, each applicant has been turned down. I'm not sure if it is the repercussion from having been smitten by a man who pretended to be what he wasn't or if each applicant just wasn't up to par. I've met them in all the "right" ways...through friends or doing activities that I like/love. But after 3-4 dates, I'm bored and thinking up ways to avoid spending time with them. Also thinking things like, "his lips will never ever touch mine!" Yes, a couple of good looking guys actually revolt me. So, yeah, maybe it is the "after shock". I'm ready for it to be over.
I've made friends with a lovely man. he doesn't revolt me yet. But he hasn't even touched me yet. We talk on the phone, text and hang out. His ex-wife is crazy. Not crazy bitch jealous but literally borderline personality disorder crazy. I teased him about marrying a crazy woman....but I know, if a certain person had managed to hold his deception for a longer period of time, i could have ended up in a similar place. So I keep my ribbing to a minimum. I'm not sure if things will go anywhere with this lovely man nor that I want them to. So, I just let him take up some of my time and enjoy what we have.
I might say, my faith is close to non-existent these days. I know that probably isn't true. But I've lost hope that God has anything "wonderful" planned for me. I think His current plan for my life is pretty sucky. I know it could suck worse and I know that, if the right situation were to happen, I could end up saying, "oh it was so worth that shitty period I went through." But right now, I think His plan sucks and will let you know if I change my mind. I say I think my faith is wavering. But not really my faith in God. Just that He cares about making my life interesting/fun/worth living rather than just mere existence. There are so many schools of thought on how much He interferes with/has planned for our lives, that I think I'm rejecting the last theory that I had. That rejections doesn't mean I won't try to live Christ-like or disbelieve what I've come to believe as right. But, it does mean that I've lost hope. I have friends that are holding that hope for me. And, that is the way I see Him blessing me. But other than that, I'm not to impressed with the big G these days.
So, perhaps, this is why I haven't been writing. Or perhaps, I need to write to get myself out of this. I can't really say one way or another. But, realizing this is probably one of the most mundane posts ever....well, it says something to me!
Since then, I've caught up on work - which is the most oober stressful place in the world and needs to be rectified eventually....when Boo stops sucking the money from my bank accounts. I've bought a new car - sucking some more money from my bank account. Been riding the motorcycle - yet another money suck. And trying to get the yard back from the jungle like state it ended up in during my 30% occupancy this summer. I'd hire me some yard boys for that task, except all the money has been sucked! Physical labor is good for me any way!
What? No man keeping my attention? There has been a parade but in general, each applicant has been turned down. I'm not sure if it is the repercussion from having been smitten by a man who pretended to be what he wasn't or if each applicant just wasn't up to par. I've met them in all the "right" ways...through friends or doing activities that I like/love. But after 3-4 dates, I'm bored and thinking up ways to avoid spending time with them. Also thinking things like, "his lips will never ever touch mine!" Yes, a couple of good looking guys actually revolt me. So, yeah, maybe it is the "after shock". I'm ready for it to be over.
I've made friends with a lovely man. he doesn't revolt me yet. But he hasn't even touched me yet. We talk on the phone, text and hang out. His ex-wife is crazy. Not crazy bitch jealous but literally borderline personality disorder crazy. I teased him about marrying a crazy woman....but I know, if a certain person had managed to hold his deception for a longer period of time, i could have ended up in a similar place. So I keep my ribbing to a minimum. I'm not sure if things will go anywhere with this lovely man nor that I want them to. So, I just let him take up some of my time and enjoy what we have.
I might say, my faith is close to non-existent these days. I know that probably isn't true. But I've lost hope that God has anything "wonderful" planned for me. I think His current plan for my life is pretty sucky. I know it could suck worse and I know that, if the right situation were to happen, I could end up saying, "oh it was so worth that shitty period I went through." But right now, I think His plan sucks and will let you know if I change my mind. I say I think my faith is wavering. But not really my faith in God. Just that He cares about making my life interesting/fun/worth living rather than just mere existence. There are so many schools of thought on how much He interferes with/has planned for our lives, that I think I'm rejecting the last theory that I had. That rejections doesn't mean I won't try to live Christ-like or disbelieve what I've come to believe as right. But, it does mean that I've lost hope. I have friends that are holding that hope for me. And, that is the way I see Him blessing me. But other than that, I'm not to impressed with the big G these days.
So, perhaps, this is why I haven't been writing. Or perhaps, I need to write to get myself out of this. I can't really say one way or another. But, realizing this is probably one of the most mundane posts ever....well, it says something to me!
Monday, July 9, 2012
Saturday
I made a mistake Saturday and agreed to see him. It is the first time I saw him since he left angry two weeks earlier. It was meant to help to provide closure for me. It only open my wounds and caused pain. He blamed me for everything. That he couldn't have someone like me in his life Told me I needed to heal more before I was ready for a relationship.
The odd part is when I left the meeting, I felt like everything he said was true. I felt lousy. Then, I thought about it and talked to my friends. His observations were way off base. He was totally missing things about me that I thought he has seen and recognized.
So many things he said he didn't like other people doing, he did. He blamed me for his weaknesses and the resulting behavior. He pointed out all my communication flaws without acknowledging his own. Never once did he point to his weaknesses and explain how he had done some unacceptable things, as well. Never once did he apologize for his behaviors.
So when he texted me at 11:50 at night, telling me "I'm really glad we got together - I hope it was of value to you - it certainly was for m...thank you! I hope you have a wonderful trip." I realized that he made himself feel better at my expense. He made himself feel healthy by calling me unhealthy. He cast blame on me to exonerate himself. So of course, while I was feeling hurt and wounded, he was feeling better.
I asked to call and talk. And, I defended myself. I told him that while I have broken people in my life, they aren't there to make me feel better about myself but there because one of my spiritual gifts is compassion. They are placed in my life for me to help. My closest friends are healthy and they help keep me grounded. I told him that broken people are drawn to broken people - not healthy. That I had to be healthy (or unspoken he had to be unhealthy) if I was was drawn toward him. That I had healed all my past abandoned relationships. That I am friends with both ex's and good with my dad. I told him that my insecurity with him stemmed for our physical relationship starting too soo and it being in direct conflict with what I think I should do - therefore causing issues. That he missed this. That when I supposedly didn't accept his forgiveness that he had never communicated to me that I was forgiven. That he was throwing stones at my communication skills while his weren't perfect (not in those terms). That yes, I have abandonment issues, but they aren't something that can't be worked out in a loving caring relationship. That I am not as broken as he thinks I am.
It was late and he probably thought I was just defending myself. Maybe he thought again I was casting stones at him...like he did the last time I had asked for what I needed from a relationship. He stated a few things back but not much other dialogue. It seemed to end amicably. I'm not sure if any of it got through to him.
I know I am not perfect. I know that I have my issues. I admit when I have them and try to warn my partner about them. I will be more careful of that in the future.
But what I need to be sure of now, is that I realize he is not the man he portrayed to me. He is not the compassionate, understanding, emotionally mature, communicative person he thinks he is. He has issues and he can't admit them. He is controlling and judgemental.
I need to keep telling myself these things because otherwise, I'll keep being sad and missing him. It isn't him that I miss but the image of him that I saw and wanted. He is not the man for me. He knew how to do some of the right things that lead me to believe he was the right person. But his anger and blame prove to me he isn't. He isn't the man that will be able to walk through the ups and downs of life with me. Sadly, he just isn't the one.
The odd part is when I left the meeting, I felt like everything he said was true. I felt lousy. Then, I thought about it and talked to my friends. His observations were way off base. He was totally missing things about me that I thought he has seen and recognized.
So many things he said he didn't like other people doing, he did. He blamed me for his weaknesses and the resulting behavior. He pointed out all my communication flaws without acknowledging his own. Never once did he point to his weaknesses and explain how he had done some unacceptable things, as well. Never once did he apologize for his behaviors.
So when he texted me at 11:50 at night, telling me "I'm really glad we got together - I hope it was of value to you - it certainly was for m...thank you! I hope you have a wonderful trip." I realized that he made himself feel better at my expense. He made himself feel healthy by calling me unhealthy. He cast blame on me to exonerate himself. So of course, while I was feeling hurt and wounded, he was feeling better.
I asked to call and talk. And, I defended myself. I told him that while I have broken people in my life, they aren't there to make me feel better about myself but there because one of my spiritual gifts is compassion. They are placed in my life for me to help. My closest friends are healthy and they help keep me grounded. I told him that broken people are drawn to broken people - not healthy. That I had to be healthy (or unspoken he had to be unhealthy) if I was was drawn toward him. That I had healed all my past abandoned relationships. That I am friends with both ex's and good with my dad. I told him that my insecurity with him stemmed for our physical relationship starting too soo and it being in direct conflict with what I think I should do - therefore causing issues. That he missed this. That when I supposedly didn't accept his forgiveness that he had never communicated to me that I was forgiven. That he was throwing stones at my communication skills while his weren't perfect (not in those terms). That yes, I have abandonment issues, but they aren't something that can't be worked out in a loving caring relationship. That I am not as broken as he thinks I am.
It was late and he probably thought I was just defending myself. Maybe he thought again I was casting stones at him...like he did the last time I had asked for what I needed from a relationship. He stated a few things back but not much other dialogue. It seemed to end amicably. I'm not sure if any of it got through to him.
I know I am not perfect. I know that I have my issues. I admit when I have them and try to warn my partner about them. I will be more careful of that in the future.
But what I need to be sure of now, is that I realize he is not the man he portrayed to me. He is not the compassionate, understanding, emotionally mature, communicative person he thinks he is. He has issues and he can't admit them. He is controlling and judgemental.
I need to keep telling myself these things because otherwise, I'll keep being sad and missing him. It isn't him that I miss but the image of him that I saw and wanted. He is not the man for me. He knew how to do some of the right things that lead me to believe he was the right person. But his anger and blame prove to me he isn't. He isn't the man that will be able to walk through the ups and downs of life with me. Sadly, he just isn't the one.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Heartache
My heart is aching today. I miss him so much. I don’t miss his yelling at me. I don’t miss his running out in the middle of the night and refusal to speak with me. I don’t miss the person who refused to talk to and explain to me what I needed to hear. I miss the person I thought he was. I miss the guy who I thought knew and understood my heart. The guy who saw what I had been through and didn’t get angry at me for feeling insecure. The guy would hold me in his arms and tell me all the worries in his heart and listen to mine. The guy who didn’t judge. He seemed to protest that too much. I can live with people who judge like that in my life. But, I didn’t think that was his.
I miss gazing into his eyes and getting lost in the blue sea. I miss sitting next to him and being drawn into him. I miss the way he could make me blush without saying a word. I miss his gentle hands and gentle ways. I missed hearing the truth and seeing a compassionate soul. I miss talking for hours on end. I miss that part of him that he showed me…the person he wanted to be. Not the person he truly was.
I try to tell myself that the anger that was directed toward me wasn’t a result of me. But I can’t help thinking it was. If I had been more confident, more calm, displayed less hurt and more restraint, that he’d still be here. That he’d be there for me to come home to tonight. So I could lie in his arms and tell him how terrible my day has been, how much pressure is on me at work, how overwhelmed and incapable I feel. So he could rub my hair and tell me that I’ll get the hang of it and eventually be very successful, that I have a kind heart and beautiful soul, that everything will be okay.
But it isn’t true. No one will be there to hold me and say those things to me. The person I fell was imaginary and probably doesn’t exist. I probably won’t ever
I miss gazing into his eyes and getting lost in the blue sea. I miss sitting next to him and being drawn into him. I miss the way he could make me blush without saying a word. I miss his gentle hands and gentle ways. I missed hearing the truth and seeing a compassionate soul. I miss talking for hours on end. I miss that part of him that he showed me…the person he wanted to be. Not the person he truly was.
I try to tell myself that the anger that was directed toward me wasn’t a result of me. But I can’t help thinking it was. If I had been more confident, more calm, displayed less hurt and more restraint, that he’d still be here. That he’d be there for me to come home to tonight. So I could lie in his arms and tell him how terrible my day has been, how much pressure is on me at work, how overwhelmed and incapable I feel. So he could rub my hair and tell me that I’ll get the hang of it and eventually be very successful, that I have a kind heart and beautiful soul, that everything will be okay.
But it isn’t true. No one will be there to hold me and say those things to me. The person I fell was imaginary and probably doesn’t exist. I probably won’t ever
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
I had a date last night. I wasn't sure if it was one...a friend that I am attracted to - the feeling is mutual. But he just got out of a long, unhealthy relationship and neither of us want me to be the "rebound girl". We discussed this last week. We had a nice dinner and conversation. He is very sweet - but perhaps a little to straight laced for me. He has a daughter, who I've met and is quite cute. She is about 8 or 10. Can't remember. Any way, I know he is skittish about getting involved with someone and i'm not sure it is something I want to do, either. He kisssed me when we parted - so it was then that I figured out, yup it was a date.
I came home after the date and was supposed to go out to Redneck Town but couldn't get up the energy to do so. I wish I had (would have had a sleep over) as I woke up sad and lonely this morning. MKP and I would have coffee on the deck and enjoy the morning on days off. I so miss that. I know he isn't who I thought he was and be I miss that imaginary person with every ounce of my being. Although we can never be together again, everything I am is wishing he misses and aches for me in the same way. It isn't that I want him to hurt, I just want him to want me and what I thought we had. How wrong is that?
I came home after the date and was supposed to go out to Redneck Town but couldn't get up the energy to do so. I wish I had (would have had a sleep over) as I woke up sad and lonely this morning. MKP and I would have coffee on the deck and enjoy the morning on days off. I so miss that. I know he isn't who I thought he was and be I miss that imaginary person with every ounce of my being. Although we can never be together again, everything I am is wishing he misses and aches for me in the same way. It isn't that I want him to hurt, I just want him to want me and what I thought we had. How wrong is that?
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Hard way home
I was so happy, so sure of everything. And then out of no where, everything I thought was true wasn't. I don't quite get how such things can happen. I thought I had found someone who was so similar to me that he would understand and love me eternal. I believed it. I didn't let myself freak out or fret (too much). But, in the long run, I was wrong again. I'm not sure how I can continue to keep trying to do it. But like in all things in this life, giving up isn't an option. I don't know how to "opt out". So, it is time to pick myself up, dust myself off and start all over again. This song by my favorite artist Brandie C. has been speaking to me and is pretty much my anthem these days....
I sometimes lose my faith in luck
I don't know what I want to be when I grow up
I just count the rain
Wearing the floor through the boards again
I wish I could find a soul to steal
I could be the engine, you could be the wheel
When we're driving home, I never have to worry about being alone
I follow my tracks
See all the times I should have turned back
I wept alone
I know what it means to be on my own
The things I have known
Looks like I'm taking the hard way home
The seeds I've sown
Taking the hard way home
Taking the hard way home
I never did learn how to follow the rules
I never was good at sleeping while the moon was full
I just lie and burn
Wreck my mind while the planet turns
I sometimes wish I could start again
I'd try and do the right things every now and then
I'd step in line
That's what I would do if I could turn back time
I follow my tracks
See all the times I should have turned back
I wept alone
I know what it means to be on my own
The things I have known
Looks like I'm taking the hard way home
The seeds I've sown
Taking the hard way home
Taking the hard way home
I tell you how I want to live
Forget about the take
Forget about the give
I want to leave this town
Fake my death and never be found
Oooh, follow my tracks
See all the times I should have turned back
Oooh, I wept alone
I know what it means to be on my own
Oooh, the things I have known
Looks like I'm taking the hard way home
Oooh, the seeds I've sown
Taking the hard way home
Taking the hard way home
I sometimes lose my faith in luck
I don't know what I want to be when I grow up
I just count the rain
Wearing the floor through the boards again
I wish I could find a soul to steal
I could be the engine, you could be the wheel
When we're driving home, I never have to worry about being alone
Oooh, the things I have known
Looks like I'm taking the hard way home
Oooh, the seeds I've sown
Taking the hard way home
Taking the hard way home
Taking the hard way home
I sometimes lose my faith in luck
I don't know what I want to be when I grow up
I just count the rain
Wearing the floor through the boards again
I wish I could find a soul to steal
I could be the engine, you could be the wheel
When we're driving home, I never have to worry about being alone
I follow my tracks
See all the times I should have turned back
I wept alone
I know what it means to be on my own
The things I have known
Looks like I'm taking the hard way home
The seeds I've sown
Taking the hard way home
Taking the hard way home
I never did learn how to follow the rules
I never was good at sleeping while the moon was full
I just lie and burn
Wreck my mind while the planet turns
I sometimes wish I could start again
I'd try and do the right things every now and then
I'd step in line
That's what I would do if I could turn back time
I follow my tracks
See all the times I should have turned back
I wept alone
I know what it means to be on my own
The things I have known
Looks like I'm taking the hard way home
The seeds I've sown
Taking the hard way home
Taking the hard way home
I tell you how I want to live
Forget about the take
Forget about the give
I want to leave this town
Fake my death and never be found
Oooh, follow my tracks
See all the times I should have turned back
Oooh, I wept alone
I know what it means to be on my own
Oooh, the things I have known
Looks like I'm taking the hard way home
Oooh, the seeds I've sown
Taking the hard way home
Taking the hard way home
I sometimes lose my faith in luck
I don't know what I want to be when I grow up
I just count the rain
Wearing the floor through the boards again
I wish I could find a soul to steal
I could be the engine, you could be the wheel
When we're driving home, I never have to worry about being alone
Oooh, the things I have known
Looks like I'm taking the hard way home
Oooh, the seeds I've sown
Taking the hard way home
Taking the hard way home
Taking the hard way home
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