Turmoil

I have this extremely strong desire to write today, but can't seem to sort out my thoughts and feelings....

A mesmeric memory
that causes pain.
Actions taken
that can't be undone.

Foolish thoughts
Powerful desires
Emotions run wild

Wishful thinking
for the impossible
Battling sentiments
that seem absurd

Childish hope
Reckless behavior
Turmoil

Why is S3 totally in my thoughts today. I just can't seem to stop thinking about him. Wishing I was younger or that I didn't act on my emotions and desires. Not wanting to feel so strongly for him. I am so overwhelmed by the ridiculousness of the situation. I can't believe he has any real interest in me yet, I can't help hoping it's there. Wishing he meant what he said to me Sunday morning as earnestly as he said it. Wondering if he remembered it. Knowing his psch background makes him mess with people. Wanting more, yet thinking I only want what I can't have. Feeling so ridiculous, childish, and hopelessly romantic...gosh I wish I wasn't such a romantic. Well, maybe not, but still. God wouldn't make me like this if He wasn't going to send my knight in shining armour one day...right? Someone who would be perfect for me...who will be as crazy, yet loyal, fun, yet caring, faithful and communicative as me. It days like today that trust and faith in God falters. I wonder why He made me like this. Why did He allow Michael to destroy me like he did if He didn't have something more wonderful planned for me? And why does it seem like I have this infinite propensity to screw up my life? I feel like if I had just tried harder somewhere along the line, I wouldn't be so damn confused about everything. I wish I didn't feel like such a big idiot.

I can't even pray today because I feel like I'm not worthy to be heard. Like I'm this big huge disappointment for God. A person who just can't seem to do what He has planned for me because I'm so damn ADD. I pursue the good time with disregard to the consequences. I'm so fucking smart yet can't seem to use my head when it's most important. I get mad at Britt for her impulsive behavior but she comes by it so naturally that I feel guilty for any thing she does. It's as if I know it's my fault. She got that genetic defect from me.

I hate that I'm beating myself up on all this. But, I feel like I'm slowly unraveling and all my flaws are just flapping in the wind. I know my friends understand but I still feel like a disappointment to them. I don't even know why.