I just wanted to go on the record as saying I still haven't forgiven him and unfortunately I still have overwhelming hatred inside of me for him. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to forgive him for sucking out 10 years of my life and then tossing me aside like yesterdays newspaper. It's funny how when I screw up, I am so glad we have such a benevolent God who forgives us. I am so thankful for His Grace. But, with Michael, I wish for the God of the old testament. For brimstone and fire, for pillars of salt, for pain and suffering to be brought upon him. Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth - a broken heart with no feeling of hope for the same. Yeah, it's twisted.
I am trying so hard to be faithful and to believe God has something better for me planned. But He sure is taking His sweet ole time in bringing it about. Yeah, yeah, I'm not ready. Yeah, yeah, in His time not mine. But I'm tired of being patient and growing weary. I'm scared my faith isn't holding out...causing me to feel and do the things I've been. I really don't want to feel any more. So much want to get out of this terrible funk I've fallen into.
I know He sent la dos amigas to help me. And, I continue to praise Him for it. I'm just not sure they're enough any more. Hey God, how about raining on Mike's parade and let me watch from the sidelines. Yeah, I know, that wouldn't help me heal. It probably wouldn't even make me feel better...well maybe. ;)
2 comments:
Forgiveness is hard. That's all I know to say because I still don't have it figured out. :)
I'm glad He put us together too. I know that sometimes we're not enough. If I REALLY thought it would make you better I would help you vandalize his stuff and all together destroy his life. We know it won't work though. Well, it might for a little while. :) pR says that God (and only Him) can heal us. I'm seriously counting on that for all of us. :)
I love you!
i love you so much, and think that you're such an amazing person. did you know that my ex's name is mike? mike isn't my favorite person.
i'm so thankful that God put us together. you're teaching me so much about life and love, and how to be vulnerable and how to treat other people. and one of these days, i'll be as courageous as you to implement it all!
hey, if you guys need a few creative vandalization ideas, let me know! i'd hate to miss out on the fun!
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