WARNING: graphic material ahead

A visit with my doc….WARNING: not for the faint of heart!

I went to see my ob/gyn the other day. Yup, it’s going to be one of those stories. I walk into the freezing exam room and put on the gown that covers you but provides NO warmth. The doc quickly showed up after I changed. But he wasn’t quick enough to prevent my nips from telling anyone who’s looking that the room might feel warm to polar bears and hairy men but those of us lacking excessive body hair and clothes were very, very cold. Any way, he bounces in and begins the exam. Despite the perky nips, boob exam is good! Good to know…no lumps. Then he begins the exam of the nether regions.

Doc, “So, I see you turned forty this year.”

“Yeah, Yeah, big fat whoop!” says my inner monologue. I nod.

Doc says, “Well, with this milestone I need to add a rectal exam to your annual check up.”

Inner monologue goes crazy, “You’re joking right? No one and I mean NO ONE warned me about this. I constantly hear men whining about it, but not women. I thought this was a male only requirement. WTF???? This has to be a joke!”

“You’re serious?” I ask. He nods.

My inner monologue continues, “No fucking way! That is an exit only zone. I repeat EXIT ONLY! I’m a virgin there! Per everything I read and was told about the potential issues later in life, there has been a do not enter sign on that area for every man I’ve been intimate with. And now you, a man I barely know, want to pop my rectal cherry? WTF??!!!”

He tells me it is more of a rectal/vaginal combined exam. “Are you ready?”

Inner monologue, “Who the fuck is ready for that? I told you I am a rectal virgin. How about some foreplay here? “

I say, “Not really but might as well get it over.”

Doc, “Well, a lot of women try to bargain with me.”

Hope at last! “Does that work? I’m healthy, athletic, eat right…..” I try giving him my “I’m cute” smile - hoping he’ll cave with that smile, like so many men before.

“No, I still recommend it. Just like the mammogram you haven’t gotten.”

That was a cheap shot, buddy! Yeah, yeah, haven’t gotten the boob squashing test that can probably be attributed to more boob sagging than gravity! So what! A bright idea crosses my mind.

“If I get the mammogram this year, can we skip the rectal???” I ask. Again with the coy smile.

He’s unrelenting, “I recommend both.”

Inner monologue, “go ahead, rape my ass.”

“Let’s get it over with then.” I say.

The next minute seemed like 15 maybe 20 minutes. He tells me “everything is good.” And then runs out of the room. He was probably afraid I want to kick him in the nuts and tell him everything is good with his private parts! Any way, it’s over - for this year!

I’m guessing we all hear about the guys because they are such wimps! Think about it, what guy would put up with the annual exam of having their “hoo ha” pried open with a cold metallic device, long q-tip inserting into them to scrape the lining of their uterus and then after that being poked and prodded about? Not to mention the pain of childbirth. The population would diminish and the cockroaches would rule the earth! So maybe that is why we women don’t complain about one more stinkin’ invasion to our body during our annual exam.

But I am here to warn you unsuspecting young ladies and offer a piece of advice. If you are female and about to turn 40, let some handsome stud (Greek maybe???) who’s willing to get you all hot bothered pop your rectal cherry before seeing your ob/gyn. It might not make the exam any better, but I’m sure it will be a much better “first time” memory than mine!