Yucky Encounter

So I had to take 2 days of training. The building where we were training is the same that the lying, cheating, totally disrespectful coward works in. It started off rough because instead of being in the training side of the building we were in the other side (close to his office). Everytime I left the conference room to go to the bathroom or get coffee (during breaks), I was afraid I'd run into the jerk. I kept telling myself I'd just advert my eyes from his gaze and pretend he didn't exist. But, it didn't make the anxious feeling go away. I made it through day one unscathed.

My new bf picked me up for dinner just down the road and we had a lovely dinner. He spends money on me like crazy. I have never, ever, in my whole life had someone do that for me. And, while I don't want to sound materialistic, it does make me feel good. Is that bad? Any way while at dinner he started on the subject that turned me off. So, I kind of got into a funk. When we got home and he wanted to talk some more (about who knows what), but I didn't. I was physically tired, mentally tired (training always does that) and emotionally tired (from being anxious about loser all day). I tried to express this to him, but he immediately started to assume I was going to break up with him (he is so insecure but claims he isn't!) and started trying to convince of why I needed to be with someone and why it should be him. It drives me crazy when he starts in with that because I'm tired of hearing it. I know that sounds mean, but it's true. I tried to explain I was just worn out, told him about being anxious about running into the cowardly ex, etc. Also told him I had no intention of breaking up with him (but if he keeps up this shit that I'm trying to break up every time I don't want to hang all over him, I will damn it!). So at 10, I told him I was tired and needed to go to bed. And, he got all sulky and upset. I swear he has too much estrogen in his body (or I have too much testosterone)! So, we spent the next 1/2 hour talking about God knows what because I was 1/2 asleep. ugh! Any way, he left feeling okay and I crashed out.

So, I was a little sleepy durning 2nd day of training. But, all was going well and I had made it throught the morning. We left the conference room and headed to cafeteria. I was walking with Sue out of the conference room and around the corner (toward the training part of the bld). She and I were chatting and joking. I turned to my left to look at the approaching person and it was the cowardly, lying ex. My stomach jumped! It was horrible. I was totally caught off guard. He had no reason to be in that hallway. He had a mean look in his eye, as if he spotted me first and instead of looking away, he was staring right at me. I could be reading too much into it, but it was what I felt. Luckily, in my head I was prepped for this because as soon as I recognized him, I closed my eyes and turned my head to prevent having to look at him. I'm not sure what he read from me. I'm not sure if he saw my surprise, hurt or totally disgust of him. I know our eyes met completely though for a split second and he looked unpleasant. My whole body started to shake. I wanted to throw up. It was a very short walk up the stairs to the cafeteria and I was in line to get food. I couldn't hold my plate because my hands were shaking so much. I couldn't read the menu. My stomach was doing flip flops. I got my food and could barely carry it back to the table after wards. I forced myself to eat and carry on conversation, hoping to be distracted. After lunch, I was still shaking and feeling nauseaus. I had to walk the hallway by myself back to the conference room. I knew I was going to expell lunch soon.

I got back there, grabbed my phone and called C2. I talked to her in the ladies room. It helped to confide in someone, but I was still feeling the adreneline in my system. It sucked so bad that he could have that affect on me. I know it is because he was such an ass lately telling me to never speak to him again and how horrible it made me feel to have someone I loved and trusted to treat me so absolutely terrible. But having that horrible reaction was just weird. Strange thing was all the prepping I was doing and how anxious I was. Deep inside, I knew it would happen. I aboslultely, positively without a doubt, knew I was going to run into him. I had even told myself the best thing would be for me to be joking and laughing with a group of people and that is exactly how it happened. Some times I'm mystified with God's way of doing things. It's as if God told me it was going to happen, got me prepared mentally, let me figure out the way that would impact me the least and then did it. Really bizzare. I still don't understand why it had to happen, though.

I wonder if I'll ever understand why. Why did someone I love and trust betray me in such a horrendous way? And even after he did it, I treated him with nothing but kindness and compassion, so why did he continue to treat me as poorly as he did? And so why, when I see his ugly face do I feel like I'm the one who did something wrong? I had every right to be in that hall way but the fight or flight instinct surged the adreneline through my body. Why? The only why I know the answer to...why did I know I was going to run into him and have a plan in my mind? Because God loves me. :)