the best you can

Like everyone, there are things I truly like to do – write, sing, play guitar, dance, teach, cook, and be a mom (sometimes!). I’m not all that good at them, but I have moments of brilliance as well as “I certainly hope no one saw/heard/read that” moments. There are very few things that I would say I’m good at - engineering and photography are about the only ones I can think of, at this moment. I am detailed oriented and have a good sense of aesthetics – this helps me to be good at both. But, I would say it is the passion I have for them that probably puts me over the edge, though. It is always what makes people great at what they do (not claiming greatness here, though – just good).

So, when my little sis asked me to do some photography at her wedding, I was absolutely flattered. She’s traveled with me and seen my work. I was thrilled that she trusted me to do this. And, I was terrified. I never worried about messing up my own stuff, but this was for her. She’s been one of my closest friends since I was five and we “moved in together”. We slept in the same bed during thunder storms, shared secrets, and plotted against mom, dad, our siblings, and just about anyone who ever challenged us. Our relationship has waxed and waned over the years, but dang, we have a history. I couldn’t bear to think of screwing it up for her. So truly, the pressure was on.

I bought a new camera body. I had a great camera and lenses but like me, they were a little outdated. The body was 35mm film and we have entered the digital age. So, I asked one of my favorite friends, who is of the best photographers I know, to help me purchase a new camera. He did (more resolution is better!) and I bought it. So, now I had the technical capabilities to take care of my sis.

I was pretty stressed about it from the moment I got on the cruise ship (boat). There were about 40 people on the boat for the wedding and just so much going on. But, up until the wedding, I kept stressing. I hadn’t spent as much time “fiddling” with the new camera as I should have. I knew this. I just had been so busy that I couldn’t find tine. So this inadequacy haunted me up until the wedding day. But, I put on my big girl panties and dealt with it. I went out there telling myself I would do my best. After all, I had a list of pictures she wanted, a game plan and my obsessive/compulsive attention to detail. Oh yeah, and the over bearing sense of responsibility that I am so good at dumping upon myself.

It started off well. I got pictures of friends and family as they disembarked from the boat and waited to be “bussed” to the beach. I got a little nerve wracked waiting for my Boo, the maid of honor, to show up from getting her motor scooter. But we all boarded the bus and headed out. We arrived at the beautiful secluded beach and I started taking pictures. Everyone, everything, every where, click, click, click goes Camera Butt (my little sis so lovingly bestowed this nickname upon me at Yosemite National park). So during the wedding I am clicking away. Trying so hard to get all the pictures I think my little sis would want, so she wouldn’t have to buy the outrageously priced pics from the “professional” photographer that the cruise line gave to her for “free”.

A couple times my older sis was in the way. I didn’t say anything to her because she hates me. I don’t know why. She has for years. I always do something wrong during the short period of time we see each other. I guess I must digress here.

I left home at the age of 18 to go to college. I was glad to leave the horrid home town I grew up in. I learned so much more than engineering in those four years. I was fortunate enough to find a new family, my sorority. I’m not sure why I was so blessed with such a wonderful group of women, but those four years contain a truckload of happy memories. I learned that home is where your heart is and for those four years my heart belonged to that beautiful town in the Adirondacks, that house, and most importantly, that group of women. I learned that everyone is flawed. True love is knowing and accepting each other’s flaws, encouraging each other to grow, all the while knowing that you have someone to turn to. Some people never learn that lesson. Yes, I know, I was truly blessed.

I applied that lesson everywhere I went. I moved around for a bit before settling in this border state of the civil war. But here, I made myself another family of friends from work, church, and neighbors – by loving and allowing myself to be loved and cared for. It made leaving my biological family easier. And, I totally didn’t miss the fights, arguments, pokes, behind the back slurs and sibling rivalry that biological families bring. I missed each person, but was glad that I was 300 miles away, too. I could just remove myself from all of that. So, when my other relatives would say, “I talked to your older sister and she says you two aren’t talking. What’s up?” My usual comment would be, “oh, I didn’t know we weren’t talking. Why did she say we were mad at each other?” Cuz quite frankly, I never had a bone to pick with her and I never understood what I did to her. So the more they told me such things, the less I let the family know what my life was like. And, to this day, I can truly say, my family doesn’t know me. One day a great man told me a story about his relatives or my grandmother’s relatives. The story was of two men that went so many years of being mad at each other that they forgot what their original fight was about. Italians! It was his way of telling me to make peace in my family. I try but being far away, I don’t try that much. I figure I got 4 siblings and three of them really like me. 75% is passing in almost all academic endeavors – right? But, I do take my grandpa’s words to heart and try to not upset the older sister. Digression ended.

While taking pictures at the wedding, I make every attempt to not upset my older sis. I don’t get in front of her; I shoot around her. I will be a professional here. She seems to ignore my presence (as usual) and time and time again, ruins the shots I’m after. I eat crow and tell myself not to worry. I know though that only a few key shots are required for a good wedding album - exchange the rings, vows, wedding party and the kiss. The wonderful, beautiful, ever to be haunt me, “you may kiss the bride” shot. Yeah, so, as I tried to shoot around my older sis, as I tried to not be in her way or anyone else’s, she pops into my “kiss the bride” shot. I shoot again and there she is again and what comes forth from my (Christian - but not at this moment in time!) mouth, but “shit!” Not the quiet utterance you say when you stub your toe at work. But the culmination of days of nervousness, weight of perfection, and moments of frustration of trying to do your best, Shit! So loud, so unable to take it back, or rewind and do the moment over. So utterly embarrassing as my family already has such a damn low opinion of me. So unbelievable because these people only remember the teenager who hated her home, hated her town, and most importantly hated the world - and it is that foul mouth who shows up during the you may kiss my beautiful little sister moment. The wedding I wanted to shoot perfectly. The wedding I wanted to be perfect in every way, shape and form for my little sis. I had to open my mouth and I was mortified. And, all this family - who has never really understood or known me, has their opinion of me reinforced. I am mortified but must continue to shoot because my job is not done.

And then it happens. I am asked why I was so rude as to ruin the wedding. Mind you I am still laden with the responsibility of creating perfection in stills. I am horrified that my mouth betrayed me. And, like the fool I am, I open my mouth to say, “my sister’s big fat head screwed up my picture.” Yup, that’s what came from my mouth, my wonderful Christian mouth (again, not at this moment!). It wasn’t MY picture that was screwed up. It was my little sis’s picture that was screwed up. And, that was where the anger came from. It came from an unselfish (sort of) motive – but it was still anger that flowed from my lips. And, it flowed right into the ears, of, oh yeah, you guessed, my older sister, who hates me and, now, has a reason to hate me evermore. She made sure I knew she heard – I don’t remember the words, just the venom behind them.

So the rest of the pictures were gotten. The camera bit the dust – um, more like ate the sand as I dropped it. The profession photographer, who by the way was so adorable, (I would have liked to take him home with me, fed him, and called him my own.) graciously lent me his “blower” to blow the sand off my camera and innocently asked, “Why do you think the camera fell off the strap?” To which I dryly replied, “I obviously put it on wrong.” Yeah, good engineer that I am – no need to read the directions! But the camera was fixed and I rushed everyone around and got as many of the pictures my little sis wanted. And, hopefully, I didn’t disappoint her.

Later, BFE asks me, “What is up between you and your older sister?” And, I have no answer to give, other than, “she hates me and I don’t know why. She has for years. Every time I try not to step on her toes, I seem to piss her off. I think she likes hating me.”

So yeah, I’m sorry I swore and uttered the hurtful words I did. I will not try to rationalize it with I was stressed, my intentions weren’t hurtful, etc. While it is true, there is no excuse for not being the best you can be. I know this in my head and heart. I didn’t mean to be hurtful toward my older sis. I apologized but never heard anything back. I guess there isn’t much else for me to do.