A sweet melody

So I picked up the guitar for the first time in months last night. Hybrid played it the other day and made me want to try again. It was interesting feeling. The last time I picked it up, I was trying like crazy to learn to play some songs for church. I really wanted to replace the Michael guitar memories with something good and pure. It didn’t work. My heart wasn’t quite there – not the Jesus part, as I have quite the heart for Jesus. But it was the Jesus-music combination. So, eventually the playing dwindled off and the calluses faded. But last night was different. I played and my heart was there. I almost had 4 songs back. Not completely but within a half hour, I was remembering them without having to continuously look at the music. It felt right!

I’m thinking my emotional healing is a little slow. It was almost exactly two years ago that I gave up on my marriage. Yeah, we had been divorced for six months by then, but he was still giving me the impression that he thought he had made a mistake and was rethinking being such a scum bag. But, the final blow was made the beginning of August and I knew it was over. They say it takes a year for your heart to heal. And maybe that is what happened in the first year. And, after my heart healed, I think I needed to find myself again. Find the things that set my soul on fire. And, I have. This summer I realized I was finally content with my life. I liked hanging with my friends – even the ones who do the last minute blow offs! I love being involved in church and trying my hand at creating for worship. I really want to do that more (even if it isn’t the music portion!). I like going to shows and festival with my friends. I like the amount of physical activity that I’ve managed to incorporate in my life.

I went to bed with a happy spirit last night. Thinking I had gotten yet another part of me back. A part I had thought was gone for good. But, the dream I had last night, that gives me great solace. Maybe playing the guitar triggered it. Long story short, in the dream I realized that I was okay with Michael being gone. I was really okay with it. Sad, that something so good turned out to be so wrong; embarrassed that I had missed the signs that he was sneaking around. But, I’m definitely good with him being gone. Actually, while I said in the past I should be relieved that he left when he did – instead of later in life when something serious would have come along. I am actually relieved! And, I'm glad his negativity has been removed from my life. The dream with all its symbolism revealed to me why I could really play the guitar again.

Oh, and maybe the fact that I met a prince the other day. But that is a whole other story.