Saddness overcomes me

I’ve been so sad lately – actually heart broken probably defined as depressed. It’s a different kind of heartache then I’ve had before. It’s the realization that the love of my life will never really be mine. It has created such sadness in my soul. I try to remember that God loves me, I’m special, blah, blah, blah and all that jazz. But, I only feel sadness, loneliness and absolute emptiness inside.

I had a biopsy the beginning of the month. I really didn’t care what the outcome was. That was when I realized how utterly despondent I was. I know I need to be here for my Boo…she is such a mama’s girl. But, I truly don’t care if it is my time to leave this pathetic sea of selfishness and greed. I was hoping it really was the answer to my prayer that if I’m meant to be this lonely for the rest of my life to please shorten my life. But, the result was negative and all is well with my body. It’s just my proverbial heart that is useless.

It makes it hard for me to do much of anything. I have no interest in work, no interest in talking to anyone, very little interest in writing. Some music and sports are the only things that give me refuge from the pain I’m feeling.

I went to visit PJ this past weekend. I was hoping for some closure. I was hoping to find that he irritated me or that we really weren’t in love. But that wasn’t the case. He loves me. But the bastard won’t act on it. He even is starting to understand why he won’t act.
But I know that realization won’t change the outcome.

I know he has to follow the path that he was on before he allowed his feelings for me to derail him (as short as that was). I even believe there is a shot that once he accomplishes that, he’ll be ready. The problem is, despite how much I love him, despite knowing I’ll only ever love him like that, I know I can’t wait five years for him to be ready. I could wait if he gave me some sort of reassurance that he eventually wants to be with me. But he refuses to give me that because he “doesn’t want to let me down like every other guy in my life has.”

The sad part is by refusing to try, to make some sort of commitment, he has let me down. He has let me down in the worst way because we are in love and he can’t bring himself to trust and rely on that love. He doesn’t trust me and he doesn’t trust himself. He has chosen the path of least resistance.

I remember feeling like I was the luckiest person on earth when I found out he has loved me as long as I have loved him. I remember thinking that every thing I had gone through was worth it. I remember thinking that I would spend the second half of my life happier than most my age, as they had settled and would be just wasting the time away.

Now, all I can feel is how horribly sad it is that he must fulfill his obligations in a ridiculous manner that excludes him from relying on his love. He has chosen this because he thinks it is the noble way. But in the meantime, he has crushed my heart. How can you hurt someone who loves you like that? I know he will eventually loose me again. Because as much as I’d like to hold onto my hope and my love for him, I’m not sure I can. How bleak that makes my world and that is why I’m so sad.