History repeats itself

He makes me SO angry. Of course I’m talking about PJ. Two weeks ago, I did a rash thing. The last time I had heard from him was on Tuesday. I was pretty tied up with other things, not feeling well, etc. But on Sunday, I realized it had been 5 days. So I sent a text and asked how he was, noting he had been quiet. He wrote back he was reading and had been busy. I wrote back, “won’t bug you then.” But about a half hour later, I sent him an email with the story in it. It isn’t quite finished. I had wanted to edit it a bit more, but I was so annoyed with him, I just sent it. I wrote an email that said the following.

I write...that's what I do to cope. I'm not saying I write well, just that writing helps me. Some stuff is good. Some not so good. But it doesn't matter, it's what I do. Sometimes I share it with people, sometimes not. So, now that I wrote an extended story about you, I wonder if I should share it. You've been busy...not sure if that is busy as in truly busy, mind on other things that you need to take care of. Or busy in you just don't want to deal with some things, so busy becomes an activity to help with that and an excuse. I figure you know which one. And, it doesn't matter so much to me, as it means I just fade into the background...as that is quite part of my nature.

Any way, I'm not sure why I started that thought...oh that's right. With you being busy, I'm not really sure if you care to read what I wrote. But I can't help myself. I figure I'll send it. If you're too busy to read, then it will probably be changed and edited by the time you get around to it...haha. Any way, here it is. I'm not saying it's any good. It's just my way of dealing. Plus...you wrote half of it...I'm pretty sure that part is lousy. hahahaha...I so crack myself up.

g. night. Kiss fluffy from me.

The next day (evening) he emailed back:

Good grief, am I really that weird? I suppose I am... That is quite a bit of writing--there's no way I wrote half--a quarter, maybe! You do write well, though. I would ask that you refrain from posting my email on your website (not that you would)!

So now I feel terrible, mean, and selfish all over again...
I wrote back:
Why would you ask if you are that weird? I can't imagine that I portrayed you like that. And, of course, I'd never post any of that on the website. I guess I do bleed on the pages there occasionally but most of it I try to do metaphorically.

I didn't mean to make you feel terrible, mean and selfish...that's such an odd response. All over again? I guess you felt bad when you told me on T-giving. But if selfish means you do what you want to make yourself happy, then it's not a big deal. You need to make yourself happy. I'm sorry it made you feel bad. I guess I shouldn't have sent it.

He never answered, so I ended up writing the following email to him. Yes, it is a lot of fucking words and I’m sure too long for anyone to bother reading. But once I got writing, it all came out:

I was really perplexed by your response the other day. I try so hard to understand you and what is going on in your head but I never seem to succeed. I actually thought you would like what I had written. I can be so stupid!

But now, I think I get why you feel so terrible and mean. Maybe you feel bad for being so careless with my feelings. Because as I reread what I wrote, I realized you said a great many things to make me believe that you truly loved me and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. I believed that you were honestly glad that we had found each other and knew that it was the right thing for us to spend time together. I didn’t imagine any of it – you thought it, felt it and expressed it to me. So yeah, when you decided that either the feelings weren’t real or I wasn’t worth taking a chance on, I could see you feeling terrible and mean for haven been careless by leading me on and making me think that you cared and wanted to be with me.

Selfish I don’t understand, though. Unless you have been dishonest with me about the way you feel about me (now). Because being selfish means you don’t care about me. It means you only care about yourself and satisfying your own needs and by treating me the way you have, your needs don’t include me. So somewhere along the line, you’ve deceived me (and most probably yourself).

If that assessment is wrong, and you truly do still love me, then the only selfish behavior I see is your unwillingness to explore what you are thinking and feeling and sharing this with me. When you decided you didn’t want to go to MA but to NY, instead of sharing this with me, you decided all on your own to change everything. If you had said I really don’t see myself moving to MA because I want to go to NY, I would have said, I’m going to stay in MD then. NY is an easy commute and I can stay in MD for a couple more years while you try that on and see if you like it. But, you didn’t. You didn’t have trust in me or what you were feeling. You couldn’t even take the time to talk it out with me. You isolated yourself from me, like you have the rest of the world.

You may consider me naïve or idealistic or some other word that means I’m too child like in my thinking, but I believe if two people really love each other all else can be worked through. In our past, we put everything else first and by doing it, we lost each other. It really was a matter of priority. If we chose to put each other first, we could have worked through all the other minutiae of life. It is the same now. But, maybe that is where you’ve been selfish. You haven’t wanted to think about it, work it through and make me part of your plans. You didn’t want to worry about my issues along side of yours. That results from a lack of faith and trust in who we are and can be together.

Last trip, I brought to VT a book called Tuesdays with Morrie. I was going to see if you would read it but figured you’d find it too ridiculous to read. So, I gave it away in a book exchange. It is a bit ridiculous and simplistic but there are some important lessons to be learned from that book, if you just opened your mind to it. It really describes the importance of relationships and opening yourself to others.

I can see where you’ve been called an unfeeling or cold jerk…or whatever the phrase you once told me. Because you just take your feelings, shove them down and don’t let them see the light of day. You don’t explore them or realize that are the core of your humanity. They are one of the things that make us different than animals and what life is about. It isn’t just about amassing knowledge, having achievements or proving yourself to others. It’s about being true to your core. You won’t let yourself do it. You won’t let yourself heal from your wife kicking you out and taking your kids. It was a very unfair thing that happened to you, your parents and your daughters. It sucks! You just let yourself believe you deserved it. You had your fair share of the blame, but you took all of your blame AND ex wife’s share as well. You just “sucked it up” and acted the part that you believe a man should do. And on top of it all, you still believe the crap she told you. You never talked to anyone about it. You just decided that being the brilliant person you are, you could deal with it on your own. You shoved down all the feelings and that’s how you dealt with it. The same thing happened when you got sick, lost your job and security. You lost everything that you defined yourself as…husband, father, engineer, successful person. Then, in order to try and rebuild, you lost a person you thought you were going to marry…someone who you loved and trusted and who ultimately let you down. And, you down play it like it was no big thing. Instead you isolated yourself and hid from everyone and everything. I’m actually shocked that you bothered to reach out to me. But, in all that you didn’t learn that all that crap isn’t really who you are and who we are meant to be.

You didn’t learn a damn thing from it. You just decided not to trust people. Yeah sure, people will let you down. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t people out there worth giving a chance, that there aren’t people out there who will be there for you no matter what.

You are a great Dad and your girls adore you (at least I know Z does). You never lost them. They will always be yours and always love you. They may be mean to you during the turbulent hormonal teen years, but that doesn’t change how they feel. While you lost being with them daily, you never lost that bond. You need to realize that. It is one of the things that define the core of who you are. And, as long as you don’t seriously screw up, they will always have that relationship with you. So stop thinking you lost that. Get over the pride issues that make you think you have to do X, Y or Z to be their dad. All you need to do is love them and do your best for them.

The path you are on is the path you set up before we became reacquainted. It is a path you chose when you were shut down from the world and all around you. A path that lets you feel better about your chosen career and allows you to make money to compete with ex-wife. A path that lets you prove to her you are as good a parent as she is….which is crap because parenting isn’t about money. Seems from talking to Z, that ex-wife doesn’t do a lick of parenting and it is her husband who takes care of all the mom things. So, just by talking and spending time with your daughters you are already a better parent than she is. So if that isn’t the reason you need to go to NY, then sure, you want satisfaction from your career. I get it. But really are you going to form any relationships with anyone. Are you actually going to spend time healing yourself while you are there? You can be just as isolated in a city of people as you can in a pasture with a poodle.

It’s fine if you don’t love me like you thought you did. It’s fine if you truly want to walk away from me. I’ve told you before I’ve been hurt before and I heal…it’s what I do. I’m so fucking resilient that it amazes even me. But I’m starting to understand why. I don’t bury the crap inside me. I don’t let it fester and create walls. I spew it out. And, eventually I’m better. I find people who love and care for me and I let them do it. That is how life is supposed to work. I’ve met too many people (while volunteering to work with women who are in need due to one thing or another) who refuse to get over the past and move on. They don’t form future relationships due to past hurts. They even hurt the people trying to help them. It is sad. And what you are doing reminds me of them. That is even sadder to me because I remember who you were. I saw glimpses of the PJ I knew before life piled its bags on you. And it breaks my heart to see you deny that person.

I had planned to stand by you…show you that I love you and how people who care about you feel...to be there for you and continue to not let you down. In my opinion, that's what friends do. But, I can’t stand by quietly when I think you are missing the big picture. And, I’m sure this is too much for you to deal with, on top of the “figuring out” your professional life. But, it is what it is.

So now I’ve not only psycho analyzed the hell out of you, but I’m sure I said more than I should have. I’m pretty sure you won’t want to have heard half of what I said and I’m pretty sure you won’t believe it either. But with you, it’s impossible to tell. It’s possible I’m wrong on many points. Conjecture is all I have, but I know I’m right about a few things. I’m sure you’ll need time to process. I also know that sometimes people end up distancing themselves from those who show them things they don’t want to hear. I hate taking that risk with you. But, it seems like you were headed that way any way.

Just know that everything I said was born of love and good intention. Some of it is my frustration from losing what I want and thinking you are sabotaging something that is right and good (we really are good together). But I’ve given it time and I’m sure that most of it is love and good intention.

Still yours

And guess what I heard back from him….nothing, a whole lot of fucking nothing. I knew he’d need time to think about what I wrote, but still thought maybe he’d write back. Meanwhile, his daughter was in town…really the city next to mine, and wanted me to come visit her on her school trip. When I had originally spoken to her, I thought it was possible. But when the time came, I had something come up. I told her I had to have a procedure done at the doctors and couldn’t make it down there. So what does the sweet girl do but buy me a get well present.

Mind you, the bastard still hasn’t told his family what is going on with us…oh probably because he has no clue because he won’t take the fucking time to find out! Any way, after his most precious daughter returns home, she lets him know she wants to send my present. And, so, after over a week of silence the bastard calls me. He called me 5 minutes after my friend arrived at my house for a visit, so I ignored his call. I thought about not calling back, but I broke down and called him back the next day.

And what does the bastard do, just chats about a bunch of regular shit. Then, he asks me about the procedure. He fucking ignores me for about 1-2 weeks and then wants back in on my life. He wants to know what is going on with me…who the fuck does he think he is? And, no, I didn’t tell him. I just told him it was over and it was nothing. Later, after we got off the phone, I realized he hadn’t asked me anything in particular on the call. So I texted him and asked him why he called. He never calls just to chat.

His response, I was concerned about you because of the procedure and the email you sent. So, I started to text back and decided to call him. I asked him what about my email concerned him. He said he thought I was mad at him. Of course I’m fucking mad at him! He is acting like a child and hiding like a baby. I am so angry with him I want to throttle him. I told him I was mad but I had said my peace and that is usually what I do when I’m mad. I went on to tell him he needn’t be concerned about me. I said I wasn’t sure how off base my email was and he said some points were on and some weren’t. I said he is one of the more complex and difficult people to understand. He said he doesn’t understand himself. Whatever! Any way, that was the gist of it. We talked for about 15 minutes and I needed to get back to my painting. That was last Sunday.

Then, the texts started again, at least for a few days. Then not much. Yesterday he texts me at 7 p.m. “Happy Easter”. Seven fucking o’clock at night!! The whole god-damn day went by and he couldn’t be bothered to contact me to wish me a happy Easter. He knows it is special holiday for me and he waits til mostly the end of the day before he sends something. What the hell is that all about? Why even bother? I was in the middle of something so about ½ hour later I text back, “thanks happy Easter to you too.” And guess what I get next…the same shit I’ve been getting from him…nothing.

It tears my heart out to deal with this. I wish I could climb inside his being and figure out what he is feeling. I wish I could understand it. Because I still believe he loves me and we’d be right together. I just don’t understand what it is that is keeping him from me. And, I wish he’d realize it and work through it. But if wishes were horses, beggars would ride.

So there are other guys who are interested in me. There always are (and I don’t say that in a vain way, just there are). And, while I can name 5 things wrong with each, I’m sure it’s just my pushing them away. So, instead of doing that, I’m opening myself up to the possibility of a life without PJ. I hate the feeling that all of a sudden, when it is too late, he’s going to come back and want me back in his life. And, by then, I’ll have committed to someone else. It is what happens between us because I’m impatient and he’s indecisive. I’m willing to commit. He is scared. We are apart, as always. And, I think it’s time for me to walk on without him. Maybe I’ll still want to try if he changes his mind. Maybe I’ll still be available…hell I haven’t found anyone since the lying cheating ex. But deep in my heart, I feel like this was the last time and he blew it.