Dogs

I had a dream last night. I remembered most of it this morning, as it was pretty vivid. I'll see if I can retell it. Starts out there are a bunch of people waiting to go eat. There was an "inner room" with tables and then an outer room, like on a porch with just a few tables. It was buffet style and the inner tables went first. Then, it seemed like the outer tables just got up to go in, even though they weren't called. I was one of the last to get the food. When I got there, the only thing left was hot dogs. I don't like hot dogs and in my dream I hated them. I asked if there was any hamburgers left. Susan said no. Side note: Susan was representing an authority like figure (mother for all intensive purposes) in this dream. Susan is a lady I know from church who has three kids and I think is a working mom. She's a lady who has "her shit" together. Any way, she said no and I lost it. I was so angry with her. I didn't care who was looking. I yelled at her, told her how much she sucked. That she knew I hated hot dogs, then she didn't let me choose until last and the only thing left was hotdogs. I threw some of the hot dogs and stormed out of the room. Right now, while I'm recounting the dream, I can still feel some of the anger and unfairness that I felt. I screamed and screamed. I think the screaming is what woke me up. Because now, I don't remember much more of the dream.

Kind of a weird dream. But, I think I understand most of the symbolism. Last night, I saw Lyle Lovett in concert. He sang a song called Keep it in your Pantry. He talks about not eating around town but you should keep it in your pant....tree. The eating of food symbolized messing around with the opposite sex. And, even in the song he was talking about women's melons and men's hot dogs. Hmmmm..

Now since Susan is from church and in the dream she was my mom, I can pretty much guess she is a substitute for God. So, pretty much my subconscious is mad at God because I have such a lousy choice of men. It makes sense to me.

I was pretty miserable when I woke up this morning. So, I skipped church. I slept til well past noon. I think I'm a bit depressed. I don't really have a good reason to be. Other than my lousy sex life (non-existent sex life), my life is good. I can pay the bills, take care of my girls, work is reasonable, and my friends are wonderful. I get to do fun stuff and right now I have more freedom than I ever have. Maybe that is part of the problem. I've never been a selfish person. And, having all this freedom is so new and different for me. I don't know what to do. It is more of a curse than a blessing.

I think once I get my girl through college, I'm leaving. Not just the east coast, but leaving the country. As if the west coast isn't far enough away. I have this longing to be far, far away from here. I think it's running away from the pain of the memory of the life I thought I was going to have- a "normal" life growing old with my husband.

But I think that dream has shown me my heart believes the only men left for me are a bunch of distasteful dogs.