Worth Believing In

I went to get my bike yesterday. It was a bit windy and I didn’t want to drive it on the highway. So when YBBK said he’d help me out, I said yes. Seeing him is good and bad. I love the way we can chat and how nicely we get along. But still there is a bit of heartache there. He doesn’t understand it and he probably never will. It is interesting how worried he is that I have a good opinion of him. I don’t completely understand it. Although, I hated when he didn’t really see me and applied character traits to me that were off base. So maybe that is it.

He was concerned I didn’t think he used me for sex. That is a rough one for me. Sex is so ridiculously sacred for me. It is something I don’t take lightly. So, he can’t understand it. Hell, even BFE and BFF don’t understand it. I barely do. But, then again, it was I who jumped there, so of course, he wouldn’t get it. I can’t blame him for my feeling a bit used. I don’t think less of his character.

I don’t think I could ever really explain it to him. My girls understand it because they know me. They know I was mortified by my mistake. I wonder if I fell in love with him because I “needed” to. I don’t really think that to be true. I think I did because we could both be such “true selves” around each other. That is what I want. He seems to want something else. I’m not sure what that is but it isn’t me.

That’s okay. It hurts but I’ve been hurt before. And, most likely, I’ll be hurt again. Although, I still believe, “no boy is worth crying over. And, the one that is won’t make you cry.” I have to believe it, even if it isn’t true….because that is something worth believing in.