Mom Reflections

Today I try to shake off the “blah” feeling I have. Actually, I’m okay with the blah, just not the overwhelming desire to weep. Sunday was such a happy yet bitter sweet occasion and I wonder if every happy occasion from now on will feel the same. Boo, after her struggle in high school, managed to graduate college with a GPA that matched mine (thank God not her father’s 2.3!) If Mom was alive, she would have been there. Instead, I attended the graduation with my ex and his family. Not that I don’t like them – hell, his step parents (one for each parent) each like me better than him. LOL. But, it just wasn’t the same without Mom. I know she would have been just as proud. She was the biggest cheerleader for her kids and grandkids.

I totally miss talking to her. I have to confess there was a time when I dreaded it. C2 can attest to the many phone calls I refused to take. Not that I didn’t want to talk to Mom…just I despise talking on the phone. It hurts my ear. I know, you don’t believe me, but it is true. It does. And I hate it! But, living 300+ miles from Mom made it our primary source of communication….especially after she lost her sight and ability to operate the computer. So, I adapted.

I hate driving in rush hour traffic. So, I decided, since I was already irritated with the traffic, I would call Mom. Figured even the annoyance of the phone would be minimized by irritation of the morons that have yet to figure out how to use their signals, pay attention to their driving, or not be a complete self-absorbed individual who thinks they own the road. So, the ritual started. Every couple of days or so, I’d call mom on the ride home. Although, half of the conversation sounded something like this:

Me:  Oh man! You idiot!
Mom:  What?
Me:  You should have seen what this moron just did. They shouldn’t be allowed to drive.
Mom:  Maybe you should call me later?
Me:  No, I’m good.

Add that to the fact that I always felt like there wasn’t anything to talk about. It just seemed like we were saying the same stuff over and over again. I often wondered how much the fact that I’d call while I driving bugged Mom and how mundane it must seem for her. Then, one day, my little sis told me that Mom told her how much she enjoyed our conversations. After that, I started making mental notes of things that happened during the day that Mom might enjoy hearing about. I felt that way, I could just babble about my day and Mom would be happy to have me called and to know I was “still alive and kicking” and maybe, perhaps, she’d even be entertained.

After she passed away, I’d still make the mental list. Usually in the middle of the thought, I’d realize the phone call wasn’t going to happen. And, every once in awhile, mostly when stuck in traffic, I’d think, I need to call Mom. Then realize that wasn’t going to happen.

It is funny how something so dreadful turned into something I actually looked forward to and enjoyed. So much so, that now, I miss it. I mean, I can still babble to her in my head. But, I don’t get the benefit of her replies, whether they be a chuckle, some sage advice or something totally ridiculous. I miss that!