My heart hurts

My heart hurts today. Last night I got paperwork in the mail about my Mom’s will. My Lil Sis never bothered to tell me it was coming. That was so unfair of her. It kills me she is acting this way. I partially raised her and have very maternal feelings for her.

When Dad left Mom, Mom was devastated and unable to parent. I had just turned 14 and Lil Sis was 11-1/2. For the next 4 years, we took care of each other. We protected each other. But being older, I was more the protector and rule maker. I’d tell her what she was allowed to do and where she was allowed to go (especially on the three wheeler). When we were 17 and 14 (or 15), I wouldn’t let her drink alcohol. My friend asked why I was being a hypocrite (seeing as I was underage by a year and drinking at that moment). I said, “because I said so and that is all that she needs to know.” Lil Sis just acquiesced. She knew I was just looking out for her.

I tried to teach her right from wrong…at least as much as I knew of it. I prevented her from making the same mistakes I made. I convinced her to go to college when no one else could. I sent her my child support checks when I was a senior in college and she was surrounded by spoiled Long Island girls with Daddy's credit cards.  I helped her to mend her broken heart from her college boyfriend who seemed to be a perfect match for her and was only torn apart by his Chinese family not accepting an American girl.  Whatever she has ever asked of me, I did. I always took care of her.

So of course, it breaks my heart to have her reject me. It breaks my heart to see her behaving in a way that neither my Mom nor I approve. It breaks my heart because I feel like as much as she is failing me, I must have failed her along the way. It breaks my heart to know Lil Sis is hurting and I can’t comfort her. It breaks my heart that she can’t bear to see my hurt, either. And, of course, it breaks my heart that I can’t call Mom and ask her to talk to Lil Sis and help me get her back on track. I miss my Mom so much.

I guess I’ve suppressed the tears for too long because today, they just keep leaking down my cheeks. I just want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be all right. I want to believe that everything will be all right. Because right now, it doesn’t feel that way.