Forgiveness

I made amends with the cowardly ex today. I realized that it has been a very long time and while some of the hurt is still there (I’ll most likely carry that forever), the anger and hatred is gone. I think I started to realize it on our non-anniversary. But since I’ve picked up the guitar again and fell back in love with the instrument, I realized that the hurt and anger of playing is gone as well. I’ve been “okay” but haven’t wanted to tell him that. I had always wanted him to still suffer knowing he turned my life upside down and “created an enormous amount of pain to a good woman that loved him.” I knew he would suffer, too, because I knew he is the type to carry the guilt with him.

So today, I decided to take the guilt from him. I called him and told him that I didn’t want him to suffer any longer. We talked for a half hour. He wanted to know what precipitated my call. I told him the passing of the anniversary was the beginning and about the playing of the guitar. I also told him how the ending of my friendship with the loser that is DTM didn’t precipitate the usual “I hate the ex for putting me back into this cruel dating world” thoughts that usually came with break ups. I told him that DTM loser was someone who made him look good. He laughed and said he was sorry I had to encounter such a deceptive and manipulative individual.

The first thing he wanted me to know was that he was sorry about Mom. He told me when he found out, he called his Mom and they prayed for her. He told me he struggled with whether or not he should call me but thought my telling him to stay out of my life still held. I told him his decision was right. I was pretty grief stricken and would have probably told him to go to hell. I think that gave him even more relief, to know he had made the right decision with something he struggled with. He proceeded to ask about everyone and everything in my life. And I told him.

I asked him some questions about playing that I've encountered since i picked up the old strummer. I didn’t ask about his family or his life. I don’t want to know that stuff. I am pretty sure he’ll be proposing to his gf (aka Jezebel but I need to drop that name) soon and this gave him the peace of mind he needed. I’m pretty sure he held off on thinking about marrying her because of the guilt. But, I don’t need to know that. I miss our friendship. We probably could never have that back because she couldn’t stand it and I won’t be a secret. That makes me sad.

But, it felt good to get through all that with him. It feels good to have forgiven him completely.


Forgiveness

Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

There are people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down and hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; life goes on
You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you inside

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness

Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

~Don Henley

May the fourth be with you

Yesterday was cuatro de Mayo…aka would have been my anniversary to the cowardly ex. The first year, after we divorced (only months after we separated) we spent the afternoon together. By that time he had moved in with Jezebel and I was the other woman. Ironic. Since then each year has gotten easier. I almost made it through the day without realizing it. But I had to close out some reports at work and looked to see it was the fourth and remembered. But it didn’t make my stomach sink or cause a pain in my chest.

Cuatro de Mayo is BF from HS’s birthday. It is nice to think of it like that. It is the eve of cinqo de Mayo which is more a US holiday since it is not really celebrated in Mexico…I know, I was there for it one year. Actually, it was the year of my 2nd (I think) anniversary.

Any way, the nice thing is I am finally getting over the bitterness and pain of his betrayal. When YBBK betrayed me, I didn’t feel the anger at the cowardly ex that I had felt in the past. The anger for promising me to be there the rest of my life but not. The anger for taking away the last of my child bearing years without more children. The anger for his negative influence on Boo. The anger for his actions causing me to have to be alone during these years that should be full of fun times. None of it was there. I was hurt and betrayed, by yet another man, but I no longer blamed the cowardly ex for putting me into the situation.  Progress is good!

And, when I realized it would have been my anniversary (perhaps 9th? But 13 years together) I wasn’t sad. I wasn’t angry. I wasn’t much of anything. Nice!

Demons

Staggering from burdens
I carry today
Fighting the demons
That haunt my way

Living the nightmare
With glimpses of light
Wearing the blinders
That obscure my sight.

Struggling with ropes
That bind my fate
Freedom’s the promise
But still I wait.

On my mind

Lots of things on my mind lately. I've been too (lazy) busy to write. Well, I've not been out and out lazy. I've been working like the dickens to get the basement "project" wrapped up. Boo is complaining because it looks "half finished" because it is half finished! It is exactly where I expected to take it. It is irritating when I spend over 22 hours (in the past 4 days) working on the flipping place just to have her lack luster response. Every muscle in my body aches! But, the spackling, sanding, priming, painting, cleaning, and putting the room back together is done! Tomorrow morning, hopefully my friend B will show up, and we will finish with trim on door, haning blinds and he will finish the electrical sockets. I will be glad to have that behind me. Next project will be cleaning out the "closet" (under stairs) and organizing my tools. I really want all the junk in the basement gone through and most of it tossed! But, when I haven't been doing that, instead of writing, I've been reading and f-ing around on the internet. I've been very guity of procrastinating getting the thoughts out and on paper!

I think I have been dealing well with losing yet another friend. Not really lost but moved far enough away that the friendship is on a "see you once in one to two weeks" time frame rather than the couple times a week, it had been for the past year. It takes more planning for us to see each other. And, I really do hate communicating via phone/text/IM. But, I tolerate it, knowing it is the best we can do. Considering about 1 year ago, I lost BFE (to a move as well), I think emotionally I am handling it quite well. It sucks that la tres amigas are no longer together. It is like a period of revival is gone from my life. I don't know how to explain it other than I was given a chance to relive the type of life I had in college. Not quite as carefree because I have work and Boo to deal with. But it was still a 3 year period where I had two "sisters" who I could completely count on for everything... fun times, emotional support (boy did we need that!), mental stimulation, and being there physically during sickness and rides to the airport. I haven't had that sort of love and support in my life since my sorority in college. I feel so blessed to have relived that. And, I think I just had the healthiest mid-life crisis anyone has ever had!

And, I'm sad that it is over. But I'm not devastated. I don't feel hurt and abandoned. I don't feel like I can't go on. I know they will always be there for me... just further away and not always right then and there. More than anything, I am thankful that God gave me a chance to have a friendship with two loving, caring, intelligent, funny, most fabulous women for such a long time. It is neat how when we needed each other the most, He put us together. We are each stronger, more compassionate, and better people for it.

As far as PJ goes. Things are good. It's been 4 months and I think I'm starting to trust this relationship. It is only because i can look back and know the man and know he is trustworthy. I need that considering the distance. I'm even okay with the distance. And, if he decides the city is where he is moving next, I'm content to stay put and commute to see him until he gets sick of the city. I trust our relationship that much (today anyway. we all know how crazy I am about relationship, ha!).

The one thing that still plagues me is the intense hatred I have for the sneaky, lying, cheating ex. When I think of how happy I am and how much beauty I have experienced in my life since he left, I feel like I should not have such an intense loathing for the bastard and the little vamp. But I do. Every ounce of me hates those two and hope for nothing but misery to fall upon their lives. I hate him, hate him, hate him and hate him! I've never acted on the hatred, which, of course, is good. But it is still there and i fear it is eating a hole into my soul. After almost 4 years, you'd think I could let it go.

And, 3 of those 4 years have been fabulous! I've had some misery when it came to men/dating, but I've had wonderful, beautiful years. Most of which, would not have come to fruition if the lousy bastard was still in my life. So why, oh why can't I let it go? I used to think it was because I was having trouble (at my age) finding someone. But now I've been reunited with the most fabulous man in my life. I understand the bastard hurt me in the worst way, but I should still be able to let go. I need to let go of the betrayal, let go of the hurt and let go of the hatred. But I don't know how. So, I'm going to see the smartest counsellor ever to see what she says about it. I'll let you know how that turns out.

The dream

I haven’t dreamed about the sleazy ex in a while, so it is surprising that I did this past weekend. In the dream I was in a café sitting at a table set for two. Some random reporter type chick, who was well coifed was either sitting with me or her back to me at the next table. I can’t remember if she started at my table or his. She did start interviewing the ex, though. It seemed like he and I were supposed to be having dinner but instead he started this interview thing. She asked him about our time together and how long it took him to fall in love with the vamp. Of course, I kept heckling the interview, trying to find out why he never made an effort to tell me what was going on with him, work things out, etc. All the open issues that I have with him. I also remember thinking this reporter girl had dated him before or something like that. He finally left the interview without answering my questions nor hers. She then turned to me and told me her interview with him was unsatisfactory. I told her everything with him was unsatisfactory. That he never answered the questions. I told her I was a writer and I could collaborate with her on the book. I told her I had a ton of good written material. She said she’d like that. She asked me if I had ever had a relationship with a female before. At that point, I got the impression she was gay and hitting on me. I told her I did, but probably not in the way she was suggesting. I told her I had a two year relationship with my BFE, who taught me how to trust and love again, but we had never known each other in the carnal way. That’s about all I remember.

Most of this makes sense to me - all the unanswered questions and never really getting closure from the jerk. I don’t’ think it would ever matter. I know he just wasn’t man enough to tell me he wanted more attention… or whatever it was that made him miserable. And, I still resent him for never giving our marriage a try. Thus the outbursts. None of it was as violent as some of my older dreams…so that’s good to see the emotions fading in that way. As far as the reporter goes, I did go see the movie Julie and Julia this weekend. Julie is a writer. So maybe there is where my brain picked the writer from in my dream. And, of course, the answer about BFE just is.

So, really, learned not much from this dream besides and understanding of my insecurities…which are huge when it comes to PJ. I really don’t know how to make him understand without making him crazy. So, I’ll just keep talking to my gfs about it, until they get sick of it

But a pixel

He was in a room that would be classified as a study...busy working. I tried to get his attention but it wouldn't happen. I suspected something. When he had gone out for a moment, I went in and discovered a lease on the desk. Later we were sitting at a table outside of the study. I asked him what he had been working on. He said nothing much. I dug my fingers hard into his arm and repeated the question. I'm sure he felt that my eyes were burning holes into his face as disturbing as my fingers clamping his arm. He repeated nothing. I pulled out the lease. He admitted he was moving out. I started hitting him, over and over, harder and harder. I awoke in a cold sweat. That was about 4 a.m.

I wondered what had caused the dream. I hadn't had one in a while. But it came to me quickly. The clock had passed midnight and it was May 4. It would have been our anniversary. I'm not sure which one. Don't go congratulating me. I could never remember what year we got married or which anniversary it was. No, I'm not a guy!

I wished I had a man next to me to cuddle me back to sleep. But then again, if one had been in bed with me, I probably wouldn't have had such a vivid dream.

I'm okay, though. I thought about the dream and the day a couple of times today. I'm not so hurt, angry or distraught over it. I have good friends and a nice life. He threw a pretty nasty blow into it. But, it is a pleasant life never the less.

If I were to see him today, I would tell him that i still dislike the person he had become. He wasn't the person I fell in love with. He wasn't an honorable man. I have nothing but contempt for him, not that I'd go out of my way to show it. I'd tell him, "you are but a pixel in the picture that is my life. I am fine without you."

Lost

Fear of Silence
Remain shut down
Frustrations builds
Endeavor composure.
Battle lost!

Volcano Erupts
Spew Ash Forth
All is covered.
Most is lost

Destruction's prevention
An ounce of Courage
Three years Stolen
Three years Lost

A sweet melody

So I picked up the guitar for the first time in months last night. Hybrid played it the other day and made me want to try again. It was interesting feeling. The last time I picked it up, I was trying like crazy to learn to play some songs for church. I really wanted to replace the Michael guitar memories with something good and pure. It didn’t work. My heart wasn’t quite there – not the Jesus part, as I have quite the heart for Jesus. But it was the Jesus-music combination. So, eventually the playing dwindled off and the calluses faded. But last night was different. I played and my heart was there. I almost had 4 songs back. Not completely but within a half hour, I was remembering them without having to continuously look at the music. It felt right!

I’m thinking my emotional healing is a little slow. It was almost exactly two years ago that I gave up on my marriage. Yeah, we had been divorced for six months by then, but he was still giving me the impression that he thought he had made a mistake and was rethinking being such a scum bag. But, the final blow was made the beginning of August and I knew it was over. They say it takes a year for your heart to heal. And maybe that is what happened in the first year. And, after my heart healed, I think I needed to find myself again. Find the things that set my soul on fire. And, I have. This summer I realized I was finally content with my life. I liked hanging with my friends – even the ones who do the last minute blow offs! I love being involved in church and trying my hand at creating for worship. I really want to do that more (even if it isn’t the music portion!). I like going to shows and festival with my friends. I like the amount of physical activity that I’ve managed to incorporate in my life.

I went to bed with a happy spirit last night. Thinking I had gotten yet another part of me back. A part I had thought was gone for good. But, the dream I had last night, that gives me great solace. Maybe playing the guitar triggered it. Long story short, in the dream I realized that I was okay with Michael being gone. I was really okay with it. Sad, that something so good turned out to be so wrong; embarrassed that I had missed the signs that he was sneaking around. But, I’m definitely good with him being gone. Actually, while I said in the past I should be relieved that he left when he did – instead of later in life when something serious would have come along. I am actually relieved! And, I'm glad his negativity has been removed from my life. The dream with all its symbolism revealed to me why I could really play the guitar again.

Oh, and maybe the fact that I met a prince the other day. But that is a whole other story.

Did you just smile at me?

So I had to go into the sneaky, cowardly, lying, neurotic ex’s building today. I try to avoid contact with him at all costs but sometimes the job comes first. It’s what I get for shitting where I eat entering a relationship with someone who works at the same place. It won’t happen again!

So I thought I had managed to know his whereabouts. But the ADD got the better of me and I forgot I was supposed to be paying attention to the whereabouts of his evilness. I ended up focusing on the mission at hand. I was standing in the hallway with the coworker I had come to see but we were locked out of the office we needed to get into. He said he’d run back and get the key. As he walked away, I realized it was an easy room to break into. So I turned to him and declared I could pick the lock easily but he was gone. I jimmied the lock and looked up to see an older lady looking disapprovingly at me. I flashed to her my biggest, most charming and innocent looking smile. She seemed suspicious and eyed me up. I kept smiling, looked as cute as I could possibly manage and said hello. She decided I wasn’t worth her effort and turned away from me and into her office across the hallway.

In this moment, with the hello and winning smile still on my lips, I turned and looked down the hallway. Who was about 15 feet away but the ex. I know it was about 15 feet because that is the distance that my near sighted eyes start to focus and make out facial features. So as the timing goes, I was smiling still saying hello to the suspicious lady as I saw a blurry face person coming down the hall. I hear a “hi” and recognize his facial features at the same time. And, being the big, brave tough guy I am, what do I do? I bolt into the room I had just unlocked. Yep, that is just what I did. Maybe I was thinking the ex might believe I didn't see him. Yeah, right!

It gets better though. So once in my sanctuary, I take off my coat and make myself look busy like I know what I’m supposed to be doing in this office I've never been in before and just broke into. But hey, I am a most fabulous actress. I sense his presence go by and am relieved that I managed to hide successfully. But no, my life can never be that easy. He comes back and pops his head into the room and asks me, “did you just smile at me?”

Now, of all the wonderful things I could have said to throw back at him the nasty accusations he made of me, to somehow make him ashamed of words he's thrown at me - did any of them happen to pop into my head? Noooooo. The Fast Thinker I like to consider myself to be must have been on vacation or napping or still hung over from the weekend. Did I say, “Why would I smile at you? You indicated any contact made be me was completely unwanted. You did it in writing to ensure I'd never contact you again for fear of a harrassment charge!” Or “After I had been nothing but kind to you, you completely fabricated, in your neurotic little head, a scenario where I was a monster. Why would I smile at you opening myself up to your venom?” Or my favorite way to turn around a situation and avoid answering a question I don't want to answer...to just plainly say, “Why?”

What did I say? Well, you can rest assured that when I’m under pressure I am stright forward. When I am unable to think of something witty, I go with the obvious. While I wish I had thought quicker, been craftier or been witty, I can proudly state I was honest.

“Did you just smile at me?”

Quite honestly and simply put, “No, It was a mistake.” He turned away dejected (I think). I was laughing. I’m not sure why. I guess I thought the honest truth was funny. Maybe I thought accidentally smiling at him was funny. Something like that could only happen to me!! I just found the whole scenario hilarious.

If he had turned back to look, he would have seen me giggling. And maybe, he would have ended up walking away feeling better about the whole thing. But, after all, he is a coward. Andhis cowardice is the sad reason why he is who he is and why he’s done the despicable things he’s done. And, it’s why I deem his actions despicable - because I am the furthest thing from a coward…well except for running into the office and trying to avoid him. But seriously, I have that nasty little hate-gram from him hanging over me. It was self preservation at work. Ha!

Last Night's Bizzarro Dream....

Most of it is pretty sketchy, but here’s what I remember. First I was in a doctor’s office of sorts and the nurse was giving me a vaccination. She stuck the needle in my arm and wanted me to press the syringe. But, I was too chicken to do it. Told her I was afraid of needles and thought I’d pass out if I gave myself the shot. Then it became this big discussion about air getting in there and causing pain. She gave me the shot and shortly there after a bruise developed on my arm. I watched as it traveled down to my hand and was waiting for it to become painful. It went down and back up again and they made a comment about how the bruise showed the air circulating in my arm and how it eventually would hurt.

Then, next thing we know there’s all this commotion. We run out of the office into the entry level of a castle (hey, it’s a dream!) Someone runs up to us to tell us there are bad guys after us. I can’t remember much else other than they said they would apper normal, talk to you and then kick you ass. The bad guys (a dragon of sorts) didn’t want us on the “dungeon” or “bedroom” level. And for some reason, we decided we would run around the entry level per the dragon’s instructions. Chaos was happening. I think that is when I woke up. But it could have lead into another Michael dream. Don’t remember many details, just wanting to smack him around… the usual ending of all my dreams about him (and pretty much my waking thoughts, as well – ha!)

I can't make heads or tails of it. I didn’t even eat anything strange last night. I know you all are thinking I need to get laid! Hmmm.....

Yucky Encounter

So I had to take 2 days of training. The building where we were training is the same that the lying, cheating, totally disrespectful coward works in. It started off rough because instead of being in the training side of the building we were in the other side (close to his office). Everytime I left the conference room to go to the bathroom or get coffee (during breaks), I was afraid I'd run into the jerk. I kept telling myself I'd just advert my eyes from his gaze and pretend he didn't exist. But, it didn't make the anxious feeling go away. I made it through day one unscathed.

My new bf picked me up for dinner just down the road and we had a lovely dinner. He spends money on me like crazy. I have never, ever, in my whole life had someone do that for me. And, while I don't want to sound materialistic, it does make me feel good. Is that bad? Any way while at dinner he started on the subject that turned me off. So, I kind of got into a funk. When we got home and he wanted to talk some more (about who knows what), but I didn't. I was physically tired, mentally tired (training always does that) and emotionally tired (from being anxious about loser all day). I tried to express this to him, but he immediately started to assume I was going to break up with him (he is so insecure but claims he isn't!) and started trying to convince of why I needed to be with someone and why it should be him. It drives me crazy when he starts in with that because I'm tired of hearing it. I know that sounds mean, but it's true. I tried to explain I was just worn out, told him about being anxious about running into the cowardly ex, etc. Also told him I had no intention of breaking up with him (but if he keeps up this shit that I'm trying to break up every time I don't want to hang all over him, I will damn it!). So at 10, I told him I was tired and needed to go to bed. And, he got all sulky and upset. I swear he has too much estrogen in his body (or I have too much testosterone)! So, we spent the next 1/2 hour talking about God knows what because I was 1/2 asleep. ugh! Any way, he left feeling okay and I crashed out.

So, I was a little sleepy durning 2nd day of training. But, all was going well and I had made it throught the morning. We left the conference room and headed to cafeteria. I was walking with Sue out of the conference room and around the corner (toward the training part of the bld). She and I were chatting and joking. I turned to my left to look at the approaching person and it was the cowardly, lying ex. My stomach jumped! It was horrible. I was totally caught off guard. He had no reason to be in that hallway. He had a mean look in his eye, as if he spotted me first and instead of looking away, he was staring right at me. I could be reading too much into it, but it was what I felt. Luckily, in my head I was prepped for this because as soon as I recognized him, I closed my eyes and turned my head to prevent having to look at him. I'm not sure what he read from me. I'm not sure if he saw my surprise, hurt or totally disgust of him. I know our eyes met completely though for a split second and he looked unpleasant. My whole body started to shake. I wanted to throw up. It was a very short walk up the stairs to the cafeteria and I was in line to get food. I couldn't hold my plate because my hands were shaking so much. I couldn't read the menu. My stomach was doing flip flops. I got my food and could barely carry it back to the table after wards. I forced myself to eat and carry on conversation, hoping to be distracted. After lunch, I was still shaking and feeling nauseaus. I had to walk the hallway by myself back to the conference room. I knew I was going to expell lunch soon.

I got back there, grabbed my phone and called C2. I talked to her in the ladies room. It helped to confide in someone, but I was still feeling the adreneline in my system. It sucked so bad that he could have that affect on me. I know it is because he was such an ass lately telling me to never speak to him again and how horrible it made me feel to have someone I loved and trusted to treat me so absolutely terrible. But having that horrible reaction was just weird. Strange thing was all the prepping I was doing and how anxious I was. Deep inside, I knew it would happen. I aboslultely, positively without a doubt, knew I was going to run into him. I had even told myself the best thing would be for me to be joking and laughing with a group of people and that is exactly how it happened. Some times I'm mystified with God's way of doing things. It's as if God told me it was going to happen, got me prepared mentally, let me figure out the way that would impact me the least and then did it. Really bizzare. I still don't understand why it had to happen, though.

I wonder if I'll ever understand why. Why did someone I love and trust betray me in such a horrendous way? And even after he did it, I treated him with nothing but kindness and compassion, so why did he continue to treat me as poorly as he did? And so why, when I see his ugly face do I feel like I'm the one who did something wrong? I had every right to be in that hall way but the fight or flight instinct surged the adreneline through my body. Why? The only why I know the answer to...why did I know I was going to run into him and have a plan in my mind? Because God loves me. :)

Kiss Off

I got to see one of my favorite bands this weekend! I was so excited. My ex bf, who I hang out with as friends, let me know they were playing and asked a bunch of us if we wanted to go. It was awesome. They played Power Plant live in the plaza and they totally rocked out. The whole night was a blast – except for the 3 beers that were dumped on me and my phone by the waiter. He was very apologetic. Luckily, I was wearing khaki colored pants and a pink tank – and the beer wasn't too dark. The worst part was my phone, which was out of commission for a few hours. It seems to be working fine now – knock on wood! They started playing around 9:30 p.m. I couldn't believe how old Gordon looked. But then again, none of us are getting any younger! His vocals were great, Brian and the band sounded phenomenal. They played all the favorites. American Music was played mid-set. I like American Music best, baaaaby! We were at a great spot in the crowd for me to dance as wildly as I have years past. I only saw one body surfer the whole night…which made sense as the crowd was only about ¼ - 1/3 fans. I checked it out right away wondering if I would be able to surf. Instead, I had to settle for dancing the whole time…but I was loving it. The encores were (of course) blister in the sun and Kiss Off. I never realized how appropo kiss off is to describe my life in the past couple of years!
I'll take one, one, one cuz you left me,
222 for my family,
333 for my heartache,
444 for my headache,
555 for my loney and
666 for my sorrow and
77 for no tomorrow,
88, I forget what 8s for and,
999 for a lost god and
10,10,10,10 for everything, everything, everything!
You can just kiss off into the air,
behind my back I can see them stare,
they'll hurt me bad but I don't mind,
they'll hurt me bad, they do it all the time!
It really was a perfect ending to a great night!

Of course there was a downer to the night. It made me sad that x-bf and I aren't together any more. I care for him more than one could imagine, but he has the emotional depth of a teaspoon (yeah I stole that line). Actually, he is emotional, he just likes to bury it deep inside and not let it out. He can't handle other people's emotions and that's what tore us apart. I'm emotional…really???? I needed that support and understanding that he couldn't give me and it tore me apart. Plus, he's told me "you look nice" more times in the past few months than he did the whole year we were together. I need that reassurance. A certain sneaky, lying cheating ex husband destroyed my self confidence and I need to feel like the person I'm with really wants to be with me. I couldn't handle being with someone that didn't make me feel extra special, so we split. It's awesome that we hang out now, but after we hang out, I really wish there was a way to make it all right between us. I'm sure it just was never meant to be but he is still one of the sweetest guys I know.

Bored to Tears

So I read this really great series of blogs. They start out talking about betrayal, go onto obsession and sadness…this could be the theme of my life for the past year and a half. My ex-husband cheated on me and ran off with the Jezebel. It still breaks my heart and brings me to tears to say it. I’ve tried to do all the right things to deal with it. I’ve turned to friends, talked to counselors, and filled my life with as many healthy things as possible: prayer, church, friends, sports, photography, writing, etc. But, it still hurts to think about. I’m not sure I’ll ever get to that forgiveness stage that Christ taught us so well. Strange thing is I don’t want to forgive him. It’s as if holding back my forgiveness will make him rot in hell or at least experience the hell he has caused me to live in and feel. I know better, but can’t seem to let it go.

I think this is because my life is so unappealing to me. I have two of the most amazing friends who planned the best birthday ever! But, I still went to bed alone that night…like every other night. Night after stinking night – it sucks. I try to convince myself how cool it is to sleep without someone else disturbing me or worrying about whether I’ll disturb them during the night; but truly it just sucks. And, so I blame the cowardly, cheating ex for this.

And, then there is this horrible issue of my guy friends. The other day one told me he didn’t want to be married any more because he wanted to be with me. Did he think that would be a compliment? Did he think I’d be flattered? It just disgusted me to think he would say such a thing. I know and like his wife. She is a sweet person. How could he think like that about her? Why would he think I would even consider such a proposition. I really was so dumbfounded, I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t find the words to answer other than…ha, ha, you’re so funny - refusing to acknowledge his statement. It killed me because I really liked him. He was such a fun person to hang out with and now I feel like that isn't possible any more. He's not the first, either. I've had two other married guy friends tell me they are in love with me. Neither of them implied anything more, probably because they understand how strongly I oppose adultery. But even so, I’m constantly hearing from these and other married guys (I work in a 95% male occupation, so most of my co-workers and friends are guys) how wonderful I am. How much they wish there was someone who could love me and take care of me the way I deserve. So tell me, why haven’t any single guys figured this out, huh? Why am I constantly hearing this from men who are unavailable? So I blame this crap on my cowardly, cheating ex, too.

I think what really gets to me is the thought I’ll never find someone for me who is intellectually, emotionally and physically appealing. Seems like most of the time, I only find one in three! I can’t stand the thought of growing old alone. I can live in the right now and appreciate how much las tres amigas mean to me, but it still doesn’t make this feeling of turning into Marge – the sad, lonely older lady I met on my birthday. My dos amigas are in their mid twenties and have so much to give. All they need to do is come across the 30 something guy who’s ready to wed and off they’ll go. I’m too old for that man - even if not, I’m not sure I can be convinced to start another family. So, that’s another strike against me. Ah, yes, another thing to blame on the cheating ex. He came along when I was 30 and took that away from me - the big fat jerk.

It’s that not knowing that really sucks. If I knew that all I had to be is patient for 1,2 or 5 years and then my prince charming would come along, I think all this sadness would start to go away. I’d love to believe that all I have to do is be patient and faithful and then I’ll be rewarded. But, I don’t really have either of them in abundance these days. Patience never was really my thing. But, while I’ve been trying it in small doses, I still think that virtue is highly over rated. Ugh! The faith thing is something that has never wavered but these days I feel like God is expecting too much from me. I’ve really tried to resist all the temptation that has been dabbled in front of me. I’m trying to be the person he wants. And, I believe he’s sent my girls to help. But, this gnawing feeling of being so alone is really getting to me. I feel like I should settle for someone less than. Just for the comfort. It’s so damn wrong and I couldn’t do that to another person, but I wonder at what point in my life will I just say what the heck and settle. I don’t ever want to do that.

I’d kind of like to have a sit down with God – just a quick one to One. Sadly, I can think of the conversation I would have with God. So, Big Guy, what’s Your plan for my life partner? What, that was it? Two adult relationships with two unfaithful jerks. That’s it? You want me to sleep alone the rest of my life. Okay, so here’s the deal. I don’t need the sex, just the cuddling. Just to have someone lie next to me and help me forget the world for awhile, someone to whisper to, someone to play hookie with on those rainy days, someone to hold me when something makes me cry. Come on, seriously, this is it? There's got to be another choice? Okay, I'll take it. Yeah, I'm sure, I’d rather be struck dead than to be alone the rest of my life.
So, yeah, the whole faith thing is on shaky ground right now. Guess that’s another reason I’m sad and more reason that I can’t forgive that cheating ex. Nothing has rocked my faith like this prolonged period of uncertainty. I mean my faith is still there but I’m not sure how long I can hold onto it. That really sucks, too.

Turpentine

Her show was amazing and I can't stop listening to the new cd song 3 or 4...

I watch you grow away from me in photographs
And memories like spies
And salt betrays my eyes again
I started losing sleep and gaining weight
And wishing I was was ten again
So I could be your friend again

These days we go to waste like wine
That's turned to turpentine
It's six AM and I'm all messed up
I didn't mean to waste your time
So I'll fall back in line
But I'm warning you we're growing up

I heard you found some pretty words to say
You found your little game to play
and there's no one allowed in
Then just when we believe we could be great
Reality it permeates
And conquers from within again

These days we go to waste like wine
That's turned to turpentine
It's six AM and I'm all messed up
I didn't mean to waste your time
So I'll fall back in line
But I'm warning you we're growing up

We're OK I know we're OK
These days we go to waste like wine
That's turned to turpentine
It's six AM and I'm all messed up
I didn't mean to waste your time
So I'll fall back in line
But I'm warning you we're growing up

By Brandi Carlile

Black Moods

Unvoiced selfish concerns...
Deception...
Ugly emotions.

Minor chords for major pain.
The song's stuck in my throat.
Forgiveness stalled in my heart.

Shame...
Isolation...
Loneliness.

Seeking the wisdom
Floundering with prayer
Detached from Him.

Minor chords for major pain.
This song's stuck in my throat.
Forgiveness stalled in my heart.

I HATE Mike!

I just wanted to go on the record as saying I still haven't forgiven him and unfortunately I still have overwhelming hatred inside of me for him. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to forgive him for sucking out 10 years of my life and then tossing me aside like yesterdays newspaper. It's funny how when I screw up, I am so glad we have such a benevolent God who forgives us. I am so thankful for His Grace. But, with Michael, I wish for the God of the old testament. For brimstone and fire, for pillars of salt, for pain and suffering to be brought upon him. Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth - a broken heart with no feeling of hope for the same. Yeah, it's twisted.

I am trying so hard to be faithful and to believe God has something better for me planned. But He sure is taking His sweet ole time in bringing it about. Yeah, yeah, I'm not ready. Yeah, yeah, in His time not mine. But I'm tired of being patient and growing weary. I'm scared my faith isn't holding out...causing me to feel and do the things I've been. I really don't want to feel any more. So much want to get out of this terrible funk I've fallen into.

I know He sent la dos amigas to help me. And, I continue to praise Him for it. I'm just not sure they're enough any more. Hey God, how about raining on Mike's parade and let me watch from the sidelines. Yeah, I know, that wouldn't help me heal. It probably wouldn't even make me feel better...well maybe. ;)

2006 - Good riddance

So 2006 is now just history. And, like some histories, it is one I'd like to be forgotten. But, like all history, it is something that should be documented and learned from. So for this posting, I put down my history of 2006. My last words to 2006 were "Good Fucking Riddance!" But, the first thing I was able to write in 2007 is this poem of hope for the new year.

January 2, 2007
New Year!

Betrayal not to be forgotten
Abandon never forgiven
Too much time wasted…
Wake up; rejoin the living!

A True heart and soul
Steadfast and pure
The first ingredients
A recipe for cure

Strong arms around me
New places to explore
Adventures and friendships
Wondrous gifts galore

Adopting new families
With much love to give
Mountains to climb
My life to live

I am not dead
Therefore, I'm stronger.
He's carried me this far,
But not any longer.

With the darkness behind
I wipe the last tear.
New hope, new dreams
New faces, New Year!
~csj~




Wednesday, December 27, 2006
end of '06!!!

You with the sad eyes don't be discouraged oh I realize it's hard to take courage in a world full of people you can lose sight of it all and the darkness inside you can make you fell so small Show me a smile then don't be unhappy, can't remember when I last saw you laughing if this world makes you crazy and you've taken all you can bear you call me up because you know I'll be there




Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Christmas Wishes!

..As you may know, 2006 did not ring in well with me and I can very easily say I am so glad it is over! While it was one of the toughest years of my life, it was also the one fraught with wonderful experiences and growth. As cliché as it is, I am amazed at how the tough times can teach the most.

I learned
...what is important in this world...true friends, loving family and above all my relationship with God.
...how blessed I have been with loving, caring and nurturing friends and family.
....toTrust in the Lord with all your heart. And, not lean on your own understanding. In all ways acknowledge Him. And He shall direct your path.
...the joy of helping others less fortunate than myself through a mission trip to the Dominican Republic and helping with my church's cold weather shelter this past week.
...how lucky I am to have an awesome little sister who is willing to travel with me and explore new lands and cultures! Kenya this summer was an absolute blessing for me!
...I have a great teenager, even if she does make mistakes of teen proportion! I'm thinking that Adam and Eve were teenagers...nah, I'm sure of it!

While I didn't have the fortitude to write Christmas cards this year, I did want to wish you all the best of the season and acknowledge the Lord's birth. Next year, I'm determined to do the snail mail cards...so please keep the pictures, notes, cards, updates coming. :)

For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counselor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace. Isaiah 9:6



Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Holiday blues

I finally understand the holiday blues that people "claim to get". All the hustle and bustle doesn't make up for the empty pit in your stomach. Seeing the world change but remain the same. Doing your best to celebrate the birth of the Lord, togive to strangers and loved ones alike and truly celebrate the spirit of the holiday season. But still, that gnawing feeling inside that doesn't go away...robs you of part of the joy you are hoping to feel at this wonderous time of year. I remember this song touching me several years ago. And again I am reminded of it... with hope that next year it will be but a memory.

I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry

Hear that lonesome whippoorwill
He sounds too blue to fly
The midnight train is whining low
I'm so lonesome I could cry

Did you ever see a night so long
When time goes crawling by
The moon just went behind a cloud
To hide her face and cry

The silence of a falling star
Lights up a purple sky
And as I wonder where you are
I'm so lonesome I could cry

Did you ever see a robin weep
When leaves began to die
That means he's lost the will to live
I'm so lonesome I could cry

Hear that lonesome whippoorwill
He sounds too blue to fly
The midnight train is whining low
I'm so lonesome I could cry

I'm so lonesome I could cry

~Hank Williams, Sr. ©1949




Sunday, December 03, 2006
Questionably

Walking down the street
In the cold
Checking out magazines
Growing old

Charming, alarming, disarming
You are.

Decorate to celebrate
His life
It's apparent that I'm
Not your wife

Sparing, sharing, caring
Are you?

Who knows the truth to set me free?
Where will this path take me?
Why must I feel this way?

Questionably you take
My hand
Never quite knowing
Where we stand

Awaiting, sedating, placating
You are.

When will we know the way to go?
What are the answers to my woe?
Why must I feel this way?

~csj~




Saturday, November 25, 2006
Don't fight it

Maybe it was all the alcohol I consumed last night or maybe I've finally had the revelation I've been waiting for. But instead of fighting it, I think now is the time to embrace it. I've always thought I was meant to have a partner but that doesn't seem to be working for me. Not sure why God has made my life work out like that. But, it's time to accept the fact that i was meant to be a nomad, drifting about...

Here I Go Again
don't know where I'm goin
but I sure know where I've been
hanging on the promises in songs of yesterday.
An' I've made up my mind, I ain't wasting no more time
but here I go again, here I go again. Tho' I keep searching for an answer
I never seem to find what I'm looking for.
Oh Lord, I pray you give me strength to carry on
'cos I know what it means to walk along the lonely street of dreams.
Here I go again on my own
goin' down the only road I've ever known.
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone.
An' I've made up my mind, I ain't wasting no more time.
Just another heart in need of rescuewaiting on love's sweet charitya
n' I'm gonna hold on for the rest of my days
'cos I know what it means to walk along the lonely street of dreams.
Here I go again on my own
goin' down the only road I've ever known.
Like a hobo I was born to walk alone.
An' I've made up my mind, I ain't wasting no more time
but here I go again, here I go again,
here I go again, here I go.
An' I've made up my mind, I ain't wasting no more time

~Whitesnake





Thursday, November 23, 2006
No worries...

I thought you were different.
But it wasn't true
I need a strong lover
But that person's not you.

As long as it was easy
You were there by my side.
But when the road got bumpy
You went for a ride.

Don't worry about me
My life is my own.
You may say you care
All I know is you're gone.

When life gives me lemons
I make lemonade.
Sure that enduring love
During this time won't fade.

Don't worry about me
I have enough friends.
And whether you want to believe it
This is the end.

I've lived through low valleys
Most people won't see.
The only ones I could count on
Were the Father and me.

Don't worry about me
My life's in good hands.
The heavenly father will carry me
While you watch from the stands.

~csj~

"Someday I'll find it, the rainbow connection,the lovers, the dreamers and me." Or at least someone who loves and dreams like me!




Monday, November 13, 2006
rough times

This weekened was rough and if you know me, it isn't for the reasons you would think. I can't believe how much sadness I am feeling.

For my Derek...
I knew that you were special
From the moment that we met.
The things you said and did,
That silly Spooky pet.

Your kind and peaceful nature,
The strong hands and testosterone,
The way you think so long
And chatter on the phone.

The challenges I have with Britt
From which you never shy.
They way you're so concerned
About what will make me cry.

I've been too scared to admit
How much I want you with me.
I haven't been able to tell you
Or even make you see.

So here I am heart broken.
Wondering if I'm wrong or right.
Missing you every day,
Reaching for you at night.

I wonder if you feel
The sadness that I do.
If you can move on.
And find somebody new.

Yes the opportunities are endless.
So many for us to choose.
Yet all I can really think about
Is the one I'm about to lose.

~csj~




Friday, November 10, 2006
drunken rambles

Why is my life so fucking surrounded with people who don't have the ability to speak their minds or even be honest with me about with is going on with them. I hate to prod and poke, but it's like my intuition is stronger than their ability to deal with their damn feelings. I so thought things weren't right but the bullshit just keeps flowing. And, how, can one person be so in touch with his feelings and such a fucking ass at the same time. It is totally beyond me.
Men are so fucking stupid. Despite professing their honesty, they have no fucking clue as how to be honest with themselves or others. Why fucking ever bother? Will I ever find someone who knows what honest and sincerety are?





Monday, November 06, 2006
You haven’t a clue!

Just stop telling me to be strong
Emotions aren't wrong!
It's like saying I don't belong
Listen to my song!

Yes, I'd like to do some choking
-- Those words shouldn't be spoken.
But my heart has been broken
Treated like a token.

Unless you have walked in my shoes,
And have sang the blues,
And have been given the same news…
You haven't a clue!

You couldn't understand my shame.
You say don't be so lame
But my life will never be the same
You don't know my name.

Unless you have walked in my shoes,
And have sang the blues,
And have been given the same news…
You haven't a clue!
~csj~





Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Scalzo's top 8

It's sad we couldn't come up with 10!
Scalzo's Top 8 reasons for keeping a man around



#8. Dealing with miscellaneous car problems

#7. Removing creepy, crawly things from your living/working area

#6. Taking the 15 year old out driving on days when I don't have the patience to deal with a 15 year old acting like a 15 year old!

#5. Taking out the garbage and recycling.

#4. Grocery shopping – I hate shopping!

#3. Massages – especially if they aren't around for #2.

#2. Snow removal and lawn mowing.

And the #1 reason for keeping men around….

#1. If you don't know, it's been too long!




Sunday, October 22, 2006
One year
Current mood: contemplative

I hate the cold, which is funny because I'm from upstate NY. Guess I've been in MD too, too long and it thinned out my blood. Need to go where it's warm all year round. I have a little over a year to figure that out.
Work had layoff always do this time of year. Too bad Mike didn't get hit. That would just be poetic justice to have him lose his job a year after he started his lurid affair with his manipulative, puppy dog. I would be dancing in the aisles!!!! Yeah, I'm vindictive. But, who wouldn't be? And, if you can't admit your weaknesses, you're just lying to yourself and the world.
I'm pissed at DM, too. He is so insensitive and clueless at times. I guess the cluelessness makes him insensitive because I can't honestly say he is insensitive. Oh well, he can't help it. Men are just stupid when it comes to matters like this. Probably me anyway considering my history and the fact men like to treat me like crap. Haven't quite figured that one out. Guys always talk about how hot women are always total bitches. I'm pretty sweet, for the most part...so that rules out being hot. I can live with that. But, is that a reason to be a lying sleazebag or demanding asshole or insensitive clod. Oh Vincent, this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you!
When will it be my turn to find someone who can truly love me, appreciate me in spite of my weaknesses, who believes in love and it's power, who isn't so weak he has to run away when times get tough, who's honest, sincere and can let go??????

In the words of Paul Williams...
Why are there so many songs about rainbowsAnd what's on the other side?Rainbows are visions, but only illusions,And rainbows have nothing to hide.So we've been told and some choose to believe itI know they're wrong, wait and see.Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,The lovers, the dreamers and me.Who said that every wish would be heard and answeredwhen wished on the morning star?Somebody thought of thatand someone believed it,and look what it's done so far.What's so amazing that keeps us stargazing?And what do we think we might see?Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,the lovers, the dreamers and me.All of us under its spell,we know that it's probably magic....Have you been half asleepand have you heard voices?I've heard them calling my name.Is this the sweet sound that calls the young sailors?The voice might be one and the same.I've heard it too many times to ignore it.It's something that I'm supposed to be.Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,the lovers, the dreamers and me




Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Bounce!

Visions, conjecture churning inside me
Reservations, thoughts, can I be free?

Hunger, thirst, for something new
Questions, wonder, can it be true?

Bounce! Bounce! Bounce!

Racing, running, going no where
Speeding, zooming, without any care

Laughing, smiling, ready to shout
Singing dancing, never a pout

Bounce! Bounce! Bounce!

Soaring, fleeing, escaping this town
Flying, spinning, come spiraling down

Crashing, hurtling, hitting the ground
Smashing, screaming, then not a sound

Bounce! Bounce! Bounce!
~csj~




Thursday, September 28, 2006
Michael You SUCK

I am hoping I will eventually get this all out and it will enable me to move on and not have to think about the asshole, who through his lies, deception, cheating, and fickle behavior has caused me to be incapable of caring for anyone but my girls. So Michael James Walstrum this ones for you....

Did you ever really love us?
Did you ever really care?
Did you ever really notice
How we were always there?

From the moment that we met you,
We gave you all we could give
From our true support of your music
To a place where you could live.

Yet, you found a way to doubt us
And let that be the excuse
To inflict the pain upon us.
The result of your nasty ruse!

You could never forgive your dad
For the pain he caused your mom.
Yet you became him that day
You lit your deceitful bomb.

Back and forth all summer long
Playing with her, then with me.
Never really letting us go.
Never truly setting me free.

C, here's a card for your birthday.
Can we please go out for lunch?
Just some loving at your party
Thanks, for me, that meant a bunch.

I'm sure you lied to her
About screwing around with me.
But then again she's so f-ing weak
She'll never set you free.

Lying, selfish, ugly coward
Is all I can think of you!
Thanks for fucking with my life…
Why does this have to be true
~csj~




Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Lose control

For my friends who are afraid to lose control...I am amazed at some of the freedom I've been feeling since I felt like I "lost control" of my life. Trust me, some days I can't stand it. But other days, it is a good feeling. I realize I don't have to do anything because while I was in that zombie state I was in for 2-6 months, the world went on. The house didn't fall or burn to the ground. The dust bunnies didn't come alive and eat me during the night. And, the neighbors didn't come over and tell me to get my act together and mow my lawn. So these days, the only time I do the cleaning or gardening or projects is when the mood strikes. Last weekend was the first in a long time that I felt like dealing with a bunch of things. The weekend before was light bulb changing day (8 lights had burned out). Yes 8 through out the house. It is amazing how unimportant changing light bulbs can be. It sounds silly but because I've learned that these things aren't all that important, they've now become fun to do, when I feel like doing them. Does it bug me when I realize I have 6 late fees because I didn't feel like paying bills for the last few weeks - yeah. But, usually they forgive the fees (I just call and ask) and then I'm good for the next couple of months. So, maybe just maybe, having to give up control will make you realize that the world keeps spinning whether or not the bathroom gets cleaned, the dog trimmed (he even looks cuter with long hair), the entrance hall gets painted, garage organized, etc. It will all wait until I want to do it. :)

Current

Go with the flow
Don't stop and think so much
Just hold on tight
It will be alright

Let the current take you away.

Don't look behind
Or fear what's ahead
Close your eyes
It's worth the surprise

Let the current take you away.

Enjoy the ride
And try not to steer
Don't use brute force
Mind the river's course

Let the current take you away.

Have faith each day
In the moon and Son
What shall guide you?
Your heart - bright and true

Let the current take you way.

~csj~





Sunday, September 24, 2006
Zarb and the Rocktonian twins!

Jennifer, Victoria, Jenn this one's for you!
Last night Roger Waters took me back to the time of the rocktonian twins! During Wish you were here, I thought of you Jenn... two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year, running over the same old ground. What have we found? The same old fears, wish you were here. And what did he follow it with but two songs from The Final Cut...our album of choice in eighty-three. So, what I wrote back then, I write now, as puerile as it may seem..

Hey there stranger
How do you do?
This is Vicki
And my name is Sue.

Some days I'm Cecilia
It just depends on the part
Be careful now
She might break your heart.

We're not from here
But our home's not far.
Zarbs a great place
It has two stars.

As one suns rises,
The other says good-bye
Keeping daylight
In our violet sky.

The sea is red
The grass is blue
Doves and unicorns roam freely
Up to me and you.

But more important
Are the people there
Jim, Janis, and Jimi
Please don't stare.

Love is our motto
For this we stand
Peace, Harmony and music
Rule the land.

The Rocktonian Twins
Are here to say
If you tired of war and destruction
Please come our way!



Roger Waters in Concert!
The concert was amazing. How could it not be???
As to be expected, the theatrics were great! The show starts with screen behind the stage showing a radio, a bottle of gin, an ashtray full of cigarette butts, and a half-full (half-empty?) glass. Suddenly, a hand reaches out and twirls the dial, eventually finding Vera Lynn's "We'll Meet Again," and then Elvis Presley's "Hound Dog." After the King, a song by Abba begins to groans from the audience, but just as it gets started the hand hurriedly switches the station. All the while, the mysterious radio dial twirler refills and promptly drains his glass, and goes through about a pack of cigarettes. Finally, the radio goes off and the lights go out. Roger opened the show with "In the Flesh," using the spotlight to find all the queers, Jews, coons, potheads and spotty ones in the audience.
After "Wish You Were Here," Roger switched gears and began two songs from the album The Final Cut. This was special for me because "wish you were here" is a song that my friend Jenn and I used for each other. We loved Pink Floyd growing up and she was "sent away" to her aunts during my senior year of high school. Final Cut was the album that came out during those years that has a lot of memories for us. "The Fletcher Memorial Home" was the second-most politically-charged song played that night. The song was made whole by the accompanying video images of a decrepit, abandoned rest home, with framed portraits of Joseph Stalin, Margaret Thatcher, Mao Zse Tung, Adolf Eichmann, Ronald Reagan, Osama bin Laden, Saddam Hussein, and, of course, George W. Bush. Spray-painted on the walls of this home were quotes from dictators, past and present; a Bush one was thrown in for good measure, and a particularly telling one it was, too. The only way I would have enjoyed it more was if he had followed Southhampton Dock with The final cut...probably one of my favorite Pink Floyd songs.
The first time he said good evening and introduced a song was right before "Leaving Beirut". He tells us the song is about his experience as a 17 year old in Beirut and the Arab family who took him in. The story was shown on screen as a huge black and white graphic novel complete with word balloons. The lyrics of the actual song appeared as if they were coming from the performers themselves. I found it to be really touching. I hate war and see people as individuals, so I agree with his politics (still after all these years).
OF course, the pig circulated during sheep. It reminded us to vote on November 7th.
He played the entire dark side album for his second set. My favorite Pink Floyd album..so I was in pure ecstasy. And of course, probably much to my friend's dismay (who was taping the show), I sang along with the entire album.
For me, it was a walk down memory lane. But truly it was more because as Roger wrote and is so applicable to me these days.... We're just lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year, running over the same old ground. What have we found? The same old fears, wish you were here.




Tuesday, September 19, 2006
from JTR

I know you were only two years old when this song came out. But, I always thought it was a classic for people like you and me that may have a sentimentality imbalance.


"When you're weary, feelin' small
When tears are in your eyes, I will dry them all.
I'm on your side, Oh, when times get rough
And friends just can't be found.
Like a bridge over troubled waters
I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled waters
I will lay me down.
When you're down and out, when you're on the street
When evening falls so hard, I will comfort you.
I'll take your part, Oh when darkness comes
And pain is all around
Like a bridge over troubled waters
I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled waters
I will lay me down.
Sail on children, sail on by
Your time has come to shine, all their dreams are on their way
See how they shine, Oh when you need a friend
I'm sailing right behind
Like a bridge over troubled waters
I will ease your mind
Like a bridge over troubled waters,
I will ease your mind.
I'll ease your mind.

- Paul Simon




Saturday, September 16, 2006
Jazz turns 9 today

Jasper turned 9 today. I remember the night before he was born. Interesting how much has changed but stayed the same. Back then it was Todd who had betrayed me and Mike who was promising to never let me be hurt again. Pie crust promise...easily made and just as easily broken. The result is all the same.


All the Same

Heal me, please take this shame
And make me whole again.
It's not my cross to bear
Yet, I carry it, all the same.

Give me strength to handle judgment
Of those dear to me
While they know not where I've been
It hurts me, all the same.

I know You can lift this burden
And set my soul at liberty.
My heart should flourish, in Your love
Yet it's constrained, all the same.

Heal me, please take this shame
And make me whole again.
It's not my cross to bear
Yet, carry it, all the same.

I carry it, all the same.

~csj~





Friday, September 15, 2006

Let it Go !
By T. D. Jakes

There are people who can walk away from you.

And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk.I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you let them walk.Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

The bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19] People leave you because they are not joined to you.And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.

Let them go.

And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.

You've got to know when it's dead.

You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me.And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay.

Let them go!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to......

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains .....
i am trying so hard to get past this hurt, pain, betrayal crap but I can't seem to move on. WTF?!! i am surrounded by the best friends, i've gotten to do some really cool things, and there's always something special 'round the corner. But, i can't seem to stop hurting! i can't stop the lousy ass nightmares from coming. It is the same over and over again. I just keep punching michael in the face and screaming at him. And he looks at me like he doesn't care. i even understand the stupid symbolism, but still can't keep from having the nightmare. what the h** do i have to do to be able to move on. i've met the nicest guy who treats me like a princess, but i can't stop the pain, can't stop the nightmares, can't get motivated to do anything, can't complete any project, have no faith in love and can't commit to anything or anyone. none of this is who i was before Mike and Tammy decided to betray my trust, deceive and outright lie to me and behave in a totally selfish, self-absorbed way. how can they live with themselves knowing how much they hurt someone else? my special friend tells me it's because they're shallow, they either can't or refuse to think about it, they aren't as introspective or as deep as i am. i can believe that about tammy because i only know that false face she put on for me. But, i thought i knew mike. i thought there was more substance there. Funny how he insists that he still loves me. Who could ever do this to someone they loved? A selfish, weak, sneaky coward...that's who. That is the funny part of the dream. i tell mike these things and keep asking then why does it hurt so much? Why can't i just move on with my life? mike had told me over and over again, "i'm not todd. i won't hurt you or take you for granted. you can count on me." Then he betrayed me. so how in the world, can i ever believe another guy when he tells me that i can count on him or i can trust him - he's not mike; he won't hurt me. yeah right.

Let Go

I can live without you.
Doing the daily chores,
Hanging with my friends,
Meeting all the bores.

God holds me in his hands
And He makes me whole.
Learning to walk in grace,
Trying to save my soul.

But, the emptiness
Is gnawing holes inside me
Despite my every effort
To set you free.

You, who brought light
And happiness to my eyes
Your loving, gentle nature
The creativity and surprise.

We had a love that was special
That some will never know
This is what makes it so
Very hard to let you go.
~csj~




Thursday, September 14, 2006
I should have known better

I wrote this to Mike while Mike and Tammy were having their affair. Funny how he didn't understand it. And I was too trusting to see it as the big red flag it was.. Stupid me, stupid me...

You won't stop the bleeding
You don't realize I'm needing
You
once told me
He was in a fog
He took for granted what he had
He didn't realize how bad
I
hurt again
I feel so much pain
I need your gentle touch
I want you to clutch
My
broken spirit
the illusions are shattered
all that ever mattered
Is gone..Where are
You?
~csj~




Wednesday, September 13, 2006
For all my friends!

Derek sent this to me....
"When you start out on the journey you think it's all about taking in experiences to fulfill yourself. But it's not. The greatest experience is changing someone else's experience of life. And once you come to that realization, it becomes your foundation, the ace in your pocket, who you are. It's the opposite of what you think it is. When you see the world through the lens of others, that's when you find yourself."
- Andre Agassi


I wrote this for all my friends but especially Derek!

My friends are dear to me
I couldn't ask for more.
They celebrate my victories
And scrape me off the floor.

They stroke my hair
And stay up all night.
Proving to me
I'll be alright.

An ear to listen,
Every sob being heard.
A nod and a pat
Then an encouraging word.

In these times of trouble
You help make me strong
I don't feel isolated
You show me I belong.

Thank you for being my friend
I know that you are true.
I pray you won't ever need my shoulder
But it’s here for you.
~csj~



Friday, September 08, 2006

Grace

Stuck by such a heavy blow
I couldn’t breathe; I didn’t know
What to do? Can only yell
Couldn’t eat, I was just a shell

And there You were, with open arms
Pure and true, no special charms
Your servants answering the call
They picked me up from my fall.

Carried me when I couldn’t walk
Listened kindly when I would talk
Sympathetic ears, Sage advice
Here’s a pie, please eat a slice.

So many trials I had to face
All made easier by your grace.
I didn’t walk in the dark alone
Each time Your presence was made known.

Holy Father, you welcomed me home
Under the sun and protective dome.
Fed by your word, strengthened by song
I found a place where I belong.

As I gaze at the stars above
I thank you Lord, for your love
For returning the dreams that I chase
But mostly, thank you for your Grace.

~csj~




Tuesday, September 05, 2006
depressive ponderings....

The betrayal takes my breath away and pain sears my heart
Can’t think! Can’t breathe! I’ve never known such hurt.

Time heals all wounds; That is what they say
But time hasn’t done much to take this pain away.

When the shame isn’t overwhelming me, emptiness takes its place
Absolute desolation and hopelessness rear their face.

Where is the comfort I desire? So loving, pure and true.
I can’t find it anywhere on the horizon blue.

Please Lord, I beg of you send the solace that I seek.
While my faith in you is strong, my spirit has grown weak.

God of gods, wrap me in your arms, each and every day
And do what time hasn’t done and take this pain away.
~csj~

This is why I don't see the point in dating anyone. I am too up and down to deal with my life. I just want to climb in bed and shut the world off. Who can understand that? Who will understand why I just want to leave this crappy state? And, how much I can't stop the hurting, can't make myself snap out of it or "feel better". Just because he can do it doesn't mean I can.

See how my mind works. When one thing starts to feel unhappy, everything is wrong. I can't put anyone through this with me. I feel like it is unfair for anyone to have to deal with me. I have to be strong and put on a tough front for Britt. I have to be happy for her. I don't want to be strong or happy for anyone else.

I hate that Michael destroyed my life. I hate that he broke his vows and made it impossible for me to have faith in love. I hate that he turned my life completely upside down and made me hate what I used to love, for wasting 10 years of my life when I could have been creating a different world for me; but mostly I hate that he created this overwhelming sadness in me that seems to get worse rather than better as time goes by.

It really sucks because it just doesn't seem fair that I have to suffer and Mike just gets to move on and make a new life. I just wish I could do the same. I think that is what makes times like this really crappy for me. I'm not myself or the person I like myself to be and I can't seem to find my way back. I feel like it is all his fault and he just gets to go on his merry way. I wish I believed in karma or a vindictive God, so I know he'll get paid back. But, I don't believe in either of those. I wonder if it would make it any easier if I did.

Most days, Britt is the only thing that gets me out of bed and out the door. She forces me to participate in life. A life where everything has been so difficult for me. Where every man I ever trusted or believed in betrayed me one way or another. Where most of my girlfriends and family have done the same. See it is easier to want to do stuff for strangers and people less fortunate because they can actually appreciate me. I've been shown more love by strangers this past summer than I have been by those people who are supposed to be the closest to me.

My friend just stopped by to drop off a plant for me. She saw it had my name and bought it for me. I have to admit that some of my friends are awesome! She has never betrayed me or done anything but show me love and support. I should have embraced her company and asked her in for a drink. But I couldn't. I just want to sit here and cry. It is so f*d up. Funny, the plants are another thing Mike took from me. I used to love planting and growing things. But now, it is just another chore. I don't understand how all these things happened. Why do I hate cooking, gardening, this house? How could he take all that away from me? Will it ever come back?

Okay, now I'm ignoring the phone. How can I talk to anyone when I feel this way????? It seems illogical and stupid, but I can't seem to help it when they come on.

This too shall pass....maybe...



Monday, August 28, 2006
8-28-68: birthday boy

I hate you
You refused my daughter
You turned from me
You turned to another, sinfully

I hate you, hate you, hate you!

You broke my heart
You broke my faith
You broke our vows
You are nothing now.

I hate you, hate you, hate you!

Don’t worry about me
I’ll be just fine
I’ll find another better than you
One who knows how to be true!

I hate you, hate you, hate you!

Good riddance to your complaints
Your lies and your cheating.
Goodbye, good luck
I hope you’re happy, you selfish fuck!

I hate you, hate you, hate you!

~csj~


Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Anger Management

Have I done something to upset you?

Hear the whistle, loud and clear.
A foul committed by you, my dear

You slept with that conniving, home wrecking whore
You couldn’t have betrayed me more.

Oh we did not mean for this to come
How can you think I am so dumb?

You failed to protect your heart
Without me, you chose to make a start.

You lied to me so many times
The whistle starts to sound like chimes.

In front of her, you treat me like shit
You’ve done me wrong, every little bit!

You chose to flee and break our vow
Where do your actions leave me now?

You destroyed my trust and faithfulness
Of my life you made a mess!

The rage and anguish eats me alive
I don’t know how I will survive.

You refuse to admit the harm you’ve done
To you, to me, to my little one

You justify my treatment, without care
By saying I was dying there.

Yes, I have many flaws its true
But I would have never done this to you!

No you haven’t done a damn thing wrong
Oh listen; the chimes are a punk rock song!
~csj ~



Wednesday, June 21, 2006
6-20-79: birthday girl

Rage burns inside of me
I’m afraid to let it out
I cant say what I want to say
I just scream and shout!

You fucking bitch how dare you
Come into my life.
You take all that’s dear to me
I’m no longer his wife.

Breathe In, Breathe Out
Try not to break down
How can I stay sane?
Gotta leave this stinkin town

My face is burning red hot
My blood is boiling, too.
I cant imagine what Id do
If I got my hands on you.

Don’t talk or look at me
You haven’t got a clue
You have no bloody idea
Of what I’m going through.

Breathe In, Breathe Out
Try not to break down
How can I stay sane?
Gotta leave this stinkin town

You suck more than I can say
You’ve cut me to the core
Absolutely broken am I
Of myself, no longer sure

You fucking bitch how dare you
Come into my life!
You take all that’s dear to me
I’m no longer his wife.

Breathe In, Breathe Out
Try not to break down
How can I stay sane?
Gotta leave this stinkin town

~csj~



Thursday, May 04, 2006
5-4-06 would have been 4 years of marriage today (10 years of being together)

We spent the afternoon together. I'm sure he never told her it was our anniversary. He's such a sneaky coward.

My naïve, idealistic, romantic dream

Please dont run away!
Stay and fight with me.
I beg you this,
For our love is meant to be.

Right makes might
We can win this fight
God will provide the strength we need

The road is rocky, I kid you not
With many twists and turns
But with His love and guidance
There is so much we can learn.

So take my hand with steadfast resolve
And know that I wont let go.
Together we can conquer all
Mountains and valleys low.

First, you have to believe
That our love is true.
Then search deep to find
The strength inside of you.

Know you can lean on God
And Hell hold you up.
Hell give you courage
Drink from his cup.

It won't be long
Until the road is new.
Then there's a life time of happiness
Just me and you!

You have run from this
Your whole life.
Youve hid your face;
Youve avoided strife.

Time to change; I know how

Right makes might!
We can win this fight!
God will provide the strength we need!
~csj~


Wednesday, April 12, 2006
Secondhand Lions

LOVE THIS QUOTE from the movie Secondhand Lions....
Sometimes the things that may or may not be true are the things a man needs to believe in the most. That people are basically good; that honor, courage, and virtue mean everything; that power and money, money and power mean nothing; that good always triumphs over evil; and I want you to remember this, that love... true love never dies. You remember that, boy. You remember that. Doesn't matter if it's true or not. You see, a man should believe in those things, because those are the things worth believing in.



Wednesday, February 22, 2006
to mike

I don’t want you being mad at me for getting angry with you. But what you did to me was so unfair and undeserved. Yes, I can finally say I didn’t deserve the treatment you gave me. You were so wrong to deceive me, make me out to be the bad guy, blatantly lie to me over and over again, treat me so harshly, refuse to honor our vows, abandon me, talk cruelly to me because she was standing there listening, refuse to make amends with Brittany to help her, blame her and me for your unhappiness and unwillingness to face your problems and finally refuse to love me the way I deserved to loved. I hate the uncertain, broken, devastated person I’ve become. Terry tells me in order to heal, I have to express my anger and you need to hear it and accept that I have the right to have these feelings. Any time I’ve expressed it toward you in the past, you’ve made me feel as though I was wrong for feeling that way. It was truly unfair. I was willing to do anything to have you come back to me and you wouldn’t do it. You gave up on us how could you have done that? I did not and still do not deserve what I am going through. My poor body is reeling and it just doesn’t seem fair. I am so sad, lonely, hurt, broken, just plain devastated with really no one who can give me the comfort I need. Did I really deserve this? You promised to love and respect me. Not one thing you have done in the past 4 months comes close to meeting either of those words. Why did you do this to me? I just don’t understand how you could even begin to think that I would ever be able to handle what you’ve put me through. I would have NEVER, EVER, EVER done this to you! I cant stand the venom I feel inside of me. You and Tammy put it there through your conniving, underhanded, thoroughly disgusting behavior. Your love isn’t honorable or true. It never will be because it was nurtured through pure deception and at the expense of two innocent people. Yes, Britt and I are innocent. We did NOT deserve to be sinned against the way you sinned against us. You can give me all the pathetic excuses you want, but having your creativity oppressed is absolutely no excuse for lying, cheating, mistreating, and abandoning your spouse. You married me. You wanted to marry me. You gave Brittany and me vows and then refused to honor them. I begged you to give us another chance and you had so little respect for me that you couldn’t do that. How could you have so little faith in our love? I would have done anything for you and you couldn’t even attempt to make it work out between us. That is so fucking wrong. I hate this feeling. Time has done nothing to make me feel the least bit better. And that part that makes me the angriest is I still love you. How can I love someone who has done so much to hurt me and can’t even admit the damage that he has done? Why can’t God just heal me and make me whole again? You and Tammy deserve this pain, not me! I’ve had enough pain for my mistakes; why can’t I have the happiness and comfort of another person? It is so absolutely unfair I can’t stand it. And now you will read this and say to yourself, yup this is exactly what I expected from her. You will be able to justify your pathetic actions and go on with your life with that lying (yes that bitch bold faced lied to me) whore (and yes she is a whore because she fucked a married man) and I will suffer for God knows how fucking long. She will never feel my pain and that makes me so angry. You may have guilt but you’ve co-existed with guilt for so long, that doesn’t provide me with the least bit of consolation. Because you have someone to sleep next to, you have someone telling you they love you and want to be with you, you have someone to talk to when you’re lonely, you have someone to joke with, you have someone to make you forget me and my pain. I have nothing but my pain, my shame, and my fucking anger. Thank you very much!


Tuesday, February 14, 2006
my valentine

I'm falling down
First hit the ground
Then down the well
Into hell

I miss your voice
I miss your face,
Your hands, your lips
Your sweet embrace.

Your leaving me
Is my heavy weight
I can't eat, can't sleep
Can't think straight

There's so much hurt
I'm going insane
Scattered thoughts,
Blurred vision, intense pain.

I hear you,
I hold you,
I feel you next to me
No, I am alone.
~csj~


Tuesday, November 08, 2005
why

what am i
to achieve
help a little take my cup
try so hard give it up
confusion runs too deep
what is it
you want from me uncommittment
insanity, free spirit, monogamy
what am I to be
you take a little you give a lot
that’s how it goes i forgot
why
do i always end up here
who
are you who am I
why
together why not fly
where
do we fly to i don’t know
you take a little you give a lot
that’s how it goes i forgot
why
do i always end up here?