Fool's day ramblings

I watched a show the other day, well, not really watched. It was on the discovery channel or something like that and it was about something halfway interesting…can’t really remember, but at the time it was one of the 5 things my ADD personality was doing at the time. What I do remember about it is the last line of the narrator, who was a sociologist, biologist, psychologist, someologist or another. Any way he was talking about the innate need to reproduce. The genetic coding that provides each individual with a sex drive - the only instinct that doesn’t support the survival of the individual but instead is anti survival of individual for the survival of the species. Let’s clarify… Each animal is born with the basic instinct to eat, sleep, drink, and protect self from harm. All of these instincts are for the survival of self. But then each individual is coded to want to reproduce. This instinct/drive to reproduce is not for survival of self but survival of the species. Make sense now? Good.

Oh, I remember what the show was…how man is different from the apes. Any way, the show goes on to say how we can learn from others, or think in this manner - which shows how we have evolved from the apes. Be patient, I’m getting to the point! Any way, the last scene shows a woman on a commuter train, and the narrator states, “but as we evolve, man has managed to do what no other species has.” Man (actually woman) has learned to ignore that call of nature to reproduce and thereby ensure the survival of the species. One in five (think that was the statistic) women have convinced themselves that there is no need to reproduce, that fulfillment will come form work, play, other things, etc. Is it possible man will evolve to the point of extinction? Or something along those lines. Any way, my initial reaction was, “oh man, are there that many women who don’t want kids, a family, etc? At least I did my genetic duty – produced me one child capable of carrying on the species…well, maybe one day capable. Today she is lucky she can tie her shoes, no, find her shoes and not be late to school! And she’s a long ways from a toddler!!!”

But, today I’d like to call bullsh**t on him. He never talked about how many women in the past didn’t have kids due to being old maids or spinsters or whatever cruel word society used to call those women who didn’t find men to marry them (or chose not to settle down and marry the town idiot). How many in five did that happen to? How about women who died due to primitive medicine/childbirth, whose husbands gladly found a replacement model (they needed someone to raise the kids for them, you know)? Finally, I look around and think we have more than enough people to ensure the survival of the species. And, isn’t it almost an evolutionary requirement for women to find fulfillment in other things to prevent overpopulation and detrimental affect on our ecosystem? Hmmm…Mr. Someologist, what about that?

Oh, and let’s not, the fulfilling part of his statement. When children enter the teen years, not sure what part of fulfillment reproducing is supposed to give. Especially when every other day, you completely understand why some animals eat their young (hey Mr. Someologist, what genetic coding causes that????). You are constantly wondering how am I ever going to make it until this child becomes an adult? Will he/she ever, ever, ever grow up???? Damn, where was I?

Any way, so I get wondering. Is this longing for a man just a genetic trick my body is playing on me and all these other women who are searching for Mr. Right/Good enough? Aren’t I getting a little old to be carrying a bun in the oven? Do the genes stop firing once we get older? Why not? Is it some strange internal fear of growing old? Or is it a real “God placed” longing in my heart? I have to wonder about it. Seems like once I find a suitable bf, I get to the point where I just want out. I think, I have my friends, my church activities, the hellion (aka the child that fulfilled my genetic duty to the species), all of which take up my time and fill me up (except the little hellion). So, why do I need a man? Why am I wasting time? I’m guessing it’s because he becomes a life suck.

What’s a life suck you ask? Well, as I was once told by a very introspective and intelligent woman, there are things in your life that fill you up and there are things in your life that take away. I have nicknamed the things that take away life suck – to indicate they suck the life out of you. Some things can be both…like the hellion. There are days when she just sucks the life out of me. I need church, friends, poetry, music, and just about everything else I can think of that fills me back up, just to keep me from dying of exhaustion. But then there are the days where I see a glimmer of hope that this child has matured and will be come a successful adult one day (sadly not soon, but one day, please God!). This fills me up, too. There were times when the hellion was little and her statement of “I love you mommy” or “you are my favorite” would fill me up. These days, those words are just a preamble to the life suck that is about to follow.

Damn I am seriously ADD today! Okay, back to a man becoming a life suck. So, I’m thinking in the past few relationships, that is what happens. Instead of being neutral or something that brings energy into my life, my past few bfs have become life sucks. They were little emotional vacuums sucking the energy from my body; little leeches feeding on the lifeblood of my soul. I get to the point where I need to run away from them – must pull the plug on the vacuum that is from taking from me. I lick the wounds, recover and then I miss having a man in my life.

I think I’m getting better at realizing I’ve got an emotional leech in my world. I’m getting better at ripping the leech from my body. And I’m getting better at healing from the wound they leave. But, I’m not getting any better at picking my next bf. What I need is a “life suck” test that I can administer to my next victim, um I mean, bf applicant. Hmmm….need to work on that.

Did I mention I am seriously ADD today!