Sibling Rivalry

I grew up with a big brother. He is about 4 or 5 years older than I am. He was my biggest tormentor growing up. Yeah, yeah, everyone says that about their older sibling, but when you hear the things my brother did to me, you’ll start to understand my psychotic tendencies (I so like that phrase).

My brother used to walk down the hall, with his arms extended so as to “clothes line” anyone coming in the other direction. There was no use trying to duck. Your only choice was to duck into a room or turn around and go back until he passed. He did this often.

He also used to suggest we “play” in his room. Playing consisted of sock fights where we turned out the lights and threw rolled up socks at each other. This eventually turned into creating slings (but you didn’t let go) with the socks and trying to hit each other. When hit in the face with one of these weapons, you saw stars. I didn’t “play” more than a couple of times.

Because I am clumsy, my brother convinced me I was retarded. This accounted for my clumsiness, he said. When I asked my parents, they said I wasn’t. He said, “They just didn’t want you to know. Do you really think they’d admit to it to you?”

And, those were the tame things he did to us. The next are not only mean but very gross. So, if you have just eaten or are a wimp, I’d suggest not reading much further. My brother would wrestle us (my younger sister and I) to the ground. He would pin us and then put his face over us and tell us not to yell as he taunted us with spit from his mouth. He said if we opened our mouth to yell he would drop the spit into it. He would also sit on us and fart. I’m not sure if it was because he was a boy but they were the worst smelling potent noxious fumes known to my existence.

Then, there was the time he chased me with a snake and threw it at me. Ah, yes, now we all know why I can turn so girly when confronted with a creepy crawly thing.

As time went by my brother became more my protector than tormentor. There was the time I went to visit him at college and he told his room mates they weren’t allowed to flirt with me. I think the conversation went, “you talk to my sister, I’ll break your face.” His room mates were cute and that didn’t help my self esteem to have them ignore me the whole weekend. But at least he was no longer outwardly tormenting me.

I was never able to “pay back” my brother when we were younger. After getting pummeled a couple of times, I realized that being small had its disadvantages. So, I learned to yell sooner than later, to move faster and how to take a punch or two.

But now that he has kids…payback has begun! His kids love Aunt C. I taught them how to shoot paper straws and burp their ABCs. I told them how my brother was born with a birth defect – he had no anus. Of course, this drew fits of laughter (yes it is true, too!).

This week is my brother’s birthday. For his birthday, I sent a care package to my niece and nephew. Here are some excerpts from the letter.

Hello boogers! Yes, I am talking to nephew’s nose. Ha ha ha ha. I am so funny!

I hope you like your teachers this year and you don’t get too much homework. Homework sucks! (shh, don’t tell dad I said that)

So, you’ve probably already found the candy…one box for each of you and one for the birthday boy. His card is in here too. You need to be sure he lets you spank him 50 times for each year he was alive. Taunt him over and over again for being 50. He will deny it, but who that age admits it???

Hugs from your favorite aunt!

Yes, I know, I’m very immature! And no, my brother isn’t 50 this year. I do feel sorry for my brother’s wife. She’s a very nice person. But she married my brother. I guess she is what you call collateral damage. Although, I think she thinks it’s funny, too.

Always be nice to your younger siblings!