Disappointment

I was asked what my greatest disappointment is right now....

What am I most disappointed in….myself. I’ve let the circumstances of my life shake my faith, hope and trust in God.

I don’t feel like “everything will work out for His purpose”. Thereby I can’t give my worries to Him. They constantly nag me. I worry about Boo’s future, if she’ll pass the praxis, if she’ll get into a teaching program, if she’ll find a place to live…what life will be like if any of these things won’t come to fruition. How I can survive if the responsibility isn’t lifted from my shoulders. How crushed and overwhelmed I feel about it all. And, I can’t just simply put it in His hands and believe He will be there. I don’t trust God.

My life is empty and lonely. I used to have strong Christian relationships that help and they are gone. I’ve been unable to connect with other Christians they way I had with my past friends. So, I’ve replaced them with non-Christian friends. My work gives me no pleasure. I have no idea what my purpose is and I don’t believe He’ll reveal it. The only time I come close to feeling a bit of connection to Him is in Worship and hiking. But, I don’t have any hope that this separation from God can be changed. I have no hope in Him.

I believe in right and wrong. Not necessarily because of faith or even a belief in heaven. I believe in right and wrong because deep inside me, it is there. I try to cling to the hope that is the Holy Spirit inside of me. But, I don’t know. So you see, I’m disappointed in me. Because part of me still believes there must be a God. I try to find that child like faith. But the complete lack of tangible evidence of Him working in my life or the world in general has completely shaken my belief. I want to love Him and believe in Him but right now, I’m not so sure I do.