Forgiveness

I made amends with the cowardly ex today. I realized that it has been a very long time and while some of the hurt is still there (I’ll most likely carry that forever), the anger and hatred is gone. I think I started to realize it on our non-anniversary. But since I’ve picked up the guitar again and fell back in love with the instrument, I realized that the hurt and anger of playing is gone as well. I’ve been “okay” but haven’t wanted to tell him that. I had always wanted him to still suffer knowing he turned my life upside down and “created an enormous amount of pain to a good woman that loved him.” I knew he would suffer, too, because I knew he is the type to carry the guilt with him.

So today, I decided to take the guilt from him. I called him and told him that I didn’t want him to suffer any longer. We talked for a half hour. He wanted to know what precipitated my call. I told him the passing of the anniversary was the beginning and about the playing of the guitar. I also told him how the ending of my friendship with the loser that is DTM didn’t precipitate the usual “I hate the ex for putting me back into this cruel dating world” thoughts that usually came with break ups. I told him that DTM loser was someone who made him look good. He laughed and said he was sorry I had to encounter such a deceptive and manipulative individual.

The first thing he wanted me to know was that he was sorry about Mom. He told me when he found out, he called his Mom and they prayed for her. He told me he struggled with whether or not he should call me but thought my telling him to stay out of my life still held. I told him his decision was right. I was pretty grief stricken and would have probably told him to go to hell. I think that gave him even more relief, to know he had made the right decision with something he struggled with. He proceeded to ask about everyone and everything in my life. And I told him.

I asked him some questions about playing that I've encountered since i picked up the old strummer. I didn’t ask about his family or his life. I don’t want to know that stuff. I am pretty sure he’ll be proposing to his gf (aka Jezebel but I need to drop that name) soon and this gave him the peace of mind he needed. I’m pretty sure he held off on thinking about marrying her because of the guilt. But, I don’t need to know that. I miss our friendship. We probably could never have that back because she couldn’t stand it and I won’t be a secret. That makes me sad.

But, it felt good to get through all that with him. It feels good to have forgiven him completely.


Forgiveness

Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

There are people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down and hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; life goes on
You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you inside

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness

Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

~Don Henley