So Vain!

I locked the blog down on Friday.  My girls wondered why.  As I think about it, I realize how silly and vain I was being in doing so.  YBBK has once again inflicted serious pain on me.  He told me he didn't want to be my friend, unfriended me on FB, insulted me and then told me I deserved to be insulted.  It sent me reeling.  I couldn't believe he could be so cruel to me.  I think that every time he does something shallow and callous...not sure when I'll learn.  Of course, his rational for it was that he read something on my FB page that he thought was about him.  I teased him calling him paranoid (in a text) and he freaked out.  I guess I should have said no first, but I really didn't think he was so vain as to think my entire life revolved around him.  Once everything went down, I thought that he must be reading the blog again, so I locked it down. 

Of course, now that I think about it, I'm as vain as he is if I think he is bothering with me and my thoughts.  He's moved on to a new girl.  Really stupid on his part to still be dating when he isn't sure he is over his ex.  You have to cut the string, but really cut it and have it cut for a bit before you can actually move on.  But maybe he'll succeed where most others fail.  It will be interesting to see how it plays out.  Any which way, since he is now obsessing over another woman, he won't be bothering with me.  Silly of me to think that he would be, actually.

Oh you want to know what he did?  Besides all the other shit he's done to me...hahaha.  Seriously, it amazes me that he can't see how terribly he has treated me.  First, when we were dating, he was talking to his ex-wife. Says he wasn't seriously considering getting back with her and just wanted to see what she was up to, but if that had been the case, he would have told me.  He didn't.   He accuses me of being dishonest, deceptive and having feelings for a past "boyfriend" but that was what he was doing.  Then there was the looking at other women (supposedly not contacting them) online when we were dating.  Right after having sex with me one day.   I know he was looking at porn, too....so maybe that is why he was checking them out but seriously, he should have just come clean about it.  Instead, he lashed out at me (told me I was spying on him) when I told him.  Typical behavior actually for him.  Lashing out at me when he is the one who has been behaving poorly.  This that I knew about, I forgave.  Oh and at that time, he was still flirting with his ex.  Then, there was the whole being deceptive with me about the girl he was taking to Rosemont.  He knew the intent of my question but he purposely deceived me into believing he was going alone.  All along, I felt sorry for him with me bailing but instead, he was lying to me.  A$$h0le move on his part.  (Yeah, yeah, it looks like a curse word, so it is one.)   So when I get upset, he calls it a rant.  He is supposed to care about me, but yet he lies to me over and over again.  The last time was after the Rush concert.  He sent a large file to his new gf when we were there.  I later asked what girl he was texting.  He knew what I meant.  He had his hand over the phone as he sent it and he looked guilty.  But instead, he threw a bunch of names out there.  Of course, her's was one of them, but it was a BS move to decieve me.   But the kicker was this. He is asking me to help him sort out his feelings and then asked me how to be a better lover.  This after he has screwed around with his new gf.  Then, he tries to play it off as, well if I had asked youto be a better dresser...I just want to be a better lover in general.  Hello, do you really think I am as stupid as your ex wife.  I am a freaking mensa genius..okay.  So here is the story, you be a better dresser for public...for appearance, for work, for attracting the opposite sex but other things.  You are only a better lover for your lovers!  Duh!  Really think I am so stupid as to believe that you weren't trying to figure out ways to better please the new woman.  Come on!  Most people would think that you'd ask someone that if you were trying to get back together with them.  That woudl be the only reason you'd do that.  I didn't really give it much thought because I already had the list of things he'd have to do before I'd ever consider sleeping with him, and he hadn't even done step one!

Oh yeah, and he thought that if he wanted to have sex with me, I'd do it.  Really, I'll kiss him.  But sex came off the table the day he got out of bed and looked at other women.   It was a long hard road back there after that betrayal.  He is so vain.

Lastly and all I have to say about him is this.  And, I know you will all be glad to hear it.  He talks about not being in love with his ex any more because the person he was in love with no longer exisits.  What happens for me isn't quite that.  I realize he isn't who I thought he was but still was able to forgive him and care for him...after each time he hurt me.  But this time, he killed the part of me that was in love with him.  She is gone and will never return.  If he actually wants to be my friend, as he said yesterday, then he should really think of ways to apologize and prove to me he can be a friend.  Because while I can forgive him for his actions, I need to see a person who is willing to care about me and my feelings before I let him step back into my world.   Step one on the "list".   He won't do it.  I know he won't because he doesn't like to admit he is wrong, apologize or make amends.  Pride is an ugly, ugly trait. 

Any way, that is it.  I've unlocked the blog, because I'm sure he is done with me.