cream cheese

So there was this boy (isn't there always)... he didn't like cream cheese. How very odd you say...not really?? Well, in my roomie's words, "I told you his eating habits were off. He just ain't right; who doesn't like cream cheese?" I wasn't buying it until in typical roomie fashion, she had to prove it to me. She took a poll and we couldn't find one single person who didn't... besides the boy. His food intake was almost as screwed up as his emotional state...she was right!

So there was this other boy. He didn't like my roomie. I'm pretty sure it was jealousy but never the less, he didn't like her. Everyone else in the entire world not only likes my roomie, but they adore her. What isn't there to like...she's funny, cute, sexy (when she wants to be), sings beautifully, can talk about anything, kind, compassionate...well, you get it, right? Any way, back to the boy. Shortly after coming to the conclusion that he didn't like my roomie, I had to kick him to the curb. I mean, there has to be something wrong. Who doesn't like my roomie?

My roomie is the human Cream Cheese!

I HATE Mike!

I just wanted to go on the record as saying I still haven't forgiven him and unfortunately I still have overwhelming hatred inside of me for him. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to forgive him for sucking out 10 years of my life and then tossing me aside like yesterdays newspaper. It's funny how when I screw up, I am so glad we have such a benevolent God who forgives us. I am so thankful for His Grace. But, with Michael, I wish for the God of the old testament. For brimstone and fire, for pillars of salt, for pain and suffering to be brought upon him. Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth - a broken heart with no feeling of hope for the same. Yeah, it's twisted.

I am trying so hard to be faithful and to believe God has something better for me planned. But He sure is taking His sweet ole time in bringing it about. Yeah, yeah, I'm not ready. Yeah, yeah, in His time not mine. But I'm tired of being patient and growing weary. I'm scared my faith isn't holding out...causing me to feel and do the things I've been. I really don't want to feel any more. So much want to get out of this terrible funk I've fallen into.

I know He sent la dos amigas to help me. And, I continue to praise Him for it. I'm just not sure they're enough any more. Hey God, how about raining on Mike's parade and let me watch from the sidelines. Yeah, I know, that wouldn't help me heal. It probably wouldn't even make me feel better...well maybe. ;)

Last Night's Dream...

My friend, Dave, and I used to keep dream notebooks and talk about our dreams...actually it was more like Dave talking about his dreams and me listening because I always forgot mine or forgot to write them down. But, I've been trying to remember mine lately. I'm still not writing them down first thing in the morn. like you're supposed to do, but I'm getting better. I remember this one when I was petting king of the bed (el Scrappo the wonder pooch) this morning.

I was walking along on a very cold morning and came across this bulldog who looked absolutely pathetic. His paws were frozen to the gound and he was shivering. He was inside a penned area. I went into the area and warmed each of his parts stuck to the ground (including his rear -which was disgusting). I remember not wanting to touch part of him as he was filthy and I had a white sweater on. But, I continued to help him because I couldn't stand to see him suffer and I felt like there was noone who was going to come along to help him. After I unfroze him, I decided to hold him in my arms to warm him up. Then the lady came out of the house. She said, "I'm not the owner. Only God knows where that a$$hole is. Sleeping with someone." I got the impression the owner was her unfaithful husband. "Don't look at me like that. The ungrateful little curr will bite you as soon as he is able, anyway." And, almost immediately the dog tried to bite me. I threw him back in the pen...mostly as a reflex to get away from him. Then there was this vet wearing a white coat who appeared out of no where. She opened him up - like a coat coming off and we could see a broken rib - hanging there. I felt aweful because I felt I had broken his rib when I threw him. She said not to worry as she broke it the rest of the way off and zipped him up. I couldn't believe he was really okay but was too scared to go near him again.

Well, that was it. People always ask what do dreams mean. I think you just have to think about what they mean to you. I can see the symbolism all over this dream. I wonder how much guilt I should be carrying over SF. It seems like this dream is telling me there's something to resolve there (at least in my sub-conscience). But, like the dog, I think I'm just going to keep my distance. I've been bit a few too many times lately.

better...

The story of my life is one of misplaced trust, lies and betrayal. Seems like every man who's been in my life, who I've trusted and been vulnerable to, has lied, betrayed or abandoned me. It starts with my Dad and hasn't ended yet...but this blog isn't about that. Because I'm learning to place my trust in God and He's been faithful.

I was very sad today with things poking at me from all around. I wanted to crawl into bed and close my eyes on this world. But decided to pray and go to my church meeting. On the way there, I started bawling my eyes out. I realized how much I was hurting thinking I was going to lose la tres amiga -C3. I couldn't bear that thought. And, through His will, we were able to better understand each other. I hope I can be true to her trust and maintain this understanding of her in the future. It feels so good for us to be right again. Having my dos amigas by my side, I can face the impending disappointment of yet another man who didn't deserve my trust and affections. I know they will be there to dry my foolish tears, build me back up and walk with me as I attempt to be discerning when it comes to a man's intentions.

I love my girls and want only the best for them. I want them to see me as the loyal friend I am and know I will never abandon them.

GAG

I love my gay ass girlfriend... that is my new knickname for killer of fish, C2, roomie, Sunshine, Scrappy snack giver. Last night I tried to massage the knots out of her back and we decided we are gayer than ever. But, it's all good!

She is the most amazing sounding board...helping me to understand my feelings and get to the root of what's bugging me. She is so loving and understanding, kind and compassionate, just the most giving person I've ever met!!! It is because of her that I KNOW God is looking after me. He sent her to me and me to her and ever since, my life has been wonderful. So what's bugging me???

Let's start with the gorgeous half breed. She is one of the sweetest people on the face of this planet. But she won't speak up when she feels she is being hurt. She lets herself be hurt, tells me everything is fine, runs off to lick her wounds and then comes back to say I hurt her. GAG asked me why it was so hurtful to me and I realized it's because that's what the Cowardly Cheating Ex did to me. I asked him time and time again what was wrong. So many times I went to him in the studio and he said he was just busy, overwhelmed, etc. Never let on how unhappy he was. I figured he was creating, I was in the way and I went off to another part of the house to be lonely and sad. I took him for his word as we grew apart and he turned to that little adultery committing whore. I feel like I am just living that all over again every time C3 gets upset. Just waiting for the day she says she doesn't want to my friend any more because I'm such an inconsiderate bitch.

Then there is my relationships with men. First there is LB. Was with him for a year. Not sure why I stayed with someone who was so damn superficial for so long. Hell, not sure why I didn't realize how superficial he was til after we broke up and he commented on how I was desirable now that we are over since I was wearing make-up and skirts. WTF!!!! I dreamed about him last night. I dreamed I kicked his ass for sleeping with someone already. Ha what a joke that is! He says he doesn't have a girlfriend and here I am being a common whore. Yet, he is the one with the loose morals..or so I told myself when we were together. I mean, who else would date a stripper??? It grosses me out to think I was with him. I think finding out he had been so into her is what made me loose all respect for him. So, GAG asks me what about me do I hate about him? Isn't it obvious, I've turned into him in the last few months.

First there was the injured bird that was placed at my feet. And, in true C1 style I screwed that boy up! Just couldn't keep it platonic. He is in such horrible turmoil and what do I do...yeah, let my own desires drive me. What the hell kind of Christian am I? Now, I can't even talk to him for fear of messing him up further. Kind of sucks when the best thing for someone is to stay far away from me. But it is. Along comes S3, I really liked him...felt it was a folly that would never go anywhere and therefore was safe. But like all things C1, I screwed up. Let myself get drunk around him, trusted him, and was physical with him. Yeah, this time I mananged not to have sex. But it doesn't matter. I still feel used and violated. Mostly because I'm sure he doesn't care for me in that way. It really sucks. GAG helped me understand this and that resulted in two things. First the e-mail. I decided I was going to lay it on the line and tell him how much he hurt me. Not that it will make the hurt go away, but maybe he'll not do something like that again to someone else. Worst part is I know it was my fault. I was the one who drank too much. I was the one who hit on him. I was the one who didn't control my actions. Yet, I dump on him. Maybe just maybe, things won't be weird and we can stay friends. Other than the whole getting drunk thing, I think he is a good friend. But, as you can tell, I am so f-ing broke when it comes to men that I can't even begin to guess about that realm.

The dream last night summed it up. It had to do with me and two co-workers. J has questionable morals and ethics. Not the type of guy you'd trust as far as you could throw them, especially if you're weak as me. Then there is E, one of the sweetest, kindest people you could ever know. Honest and trustworthy. In my dream, I'm sleeping and am awoken by J touching me inappropriately. I was enjoying it while I slept and thought it was a dream (dreams are so weird sometimes!). But, when I awoke and saw it was J touching me, I was agast. I told him to get his dirty hands off me. He appologized and said he thought I was enjoying it. I was so angry I wanted to kick his ass from one end of the room to the other. But, as I lay there, I realized the anger was a mask for the hurt...typical of me. So, I cried. Along came E. He just wanted to comfort me. So with his hands outside of the sheets, he rubbed my back. I couldn't stand to have him touch me. I didn't feel worthy of his love and compassion. I ran away. He kept following me trying to help me feel better. But, all I wanted to do was to run into a corner, curl up in a ball and be left alone. Yeah, that is how I feel right now. I don't deserve to be comforted by anyone because the big, ugly mess I made of my life is my fault. It is through my own foolish actions that I am where I am right now. Lying naked on the floor crying, wanting no one to touch me, no one to see me, no one near me.

I am a shitty role model for my daughter. I used to think I was a good mom. I try, but I think being a good mom is really hard. Hopefully, I'm good enough. I know I'm a good engineer. It's funny how that logical side that I love most about me. I guess it's because the Spock in me doesn't screw up. I design kick ass tools. I take care of my customers and can be proud of what I do. I think I'm even a half way decent manager. A little less logic in that role, but still doing okay there. So yes, there are good things about me.

But, I just wish I could find a way to stop messing up all the relationships in my life.

Turmoil

I have this extremely strong desire to write today, but can't seem to sort out my thoughts and feelings....

A mesmeric memory
that causes pain.
Actions taken
that can't be undone.

Foolish thoughts
Powerful desires
Emotions run wild

Wishful thinking
for the impossible
Battling sentiments
that seem absurd

Childish hope
Reckless behavior
Turmoil

Why is S3 totally in my thoughts today. I just can't seem to stop thinking about him. Wishing I was younger or that I didn't act on my emotions and desires. Not wanting to feel so strongly for him. I am so overwhelmed by the ridiculousness of the situation. I can't believe he has any real interest in me yet, I can't help hoping it's there. Wishing he meant what he said to me Sunday morning as earnestly as he said it. Wondering if he remembered it. Knowing his psch background makes him mess with people. Wanting more, yet thinking I only want what I can't have. Feeling so ridiculous, childish, and hopelessly romantic...gosh I wish I wasn't such a romantic. Well, maybe not, but still. God wouldn't make me like this if He wasn't going to send my knight in shining armour one day...right? Someone who would be perfect for me...who will be as crazy, yet loyal, fun, yet caring, faithful and communicative as me. It days like today that trust and faith in God falters. I wonder why He made me like this. Why did He allow Michael to destroy me like he did if He didn't have something more wonderful planned for me? And why does it seem like I have this infinite propensity to screw up my life? I feel like if I had just tried harder somewhere along the line, I wouldn't be so damn confused about everything. I wish I didn't feel like such a big idiot.

I can't even pray today because I feel like I'm not worthy to be heard. Like I'm this big huge disappointment for God. A person who just can't seem to do what He has planned for me because I'm so damn ADD. I pursue the good time with disregard to the consequences. I'm so fucking smart yet can't seem to use my head when it's most important. I get mad at Britt for her impulsive behavior but she comes by it so naturally that I feel guilty for any thing she does. It's as if I know it's my fault. She got that genetic defect from me.

I hate that I'm beating myself up on all this. But, I feel like I'm slowly unraveling and all my flaws are just flapping in the wind. I know my friends understand but I still feel like a disappointment to them. I don't even know why.

exactly but...

Another man and another exactly but... What does that mean? I meet someone and I think wow, this person is wonderfully great. He is exactly what I am looking for. And then "but" comes along. This time but he is too young. How do I define too young? Closer to Brittany's age than mine...maybe. Or just at such a different place in life than I am. Someone who will probably want to start a family. Any way, I had the most wonderful time with SSS on Wednesday. It felt so good to go out with someone with no expectations attached. We had a nice leisurely lunch. He was so appreciative of the birthday gift that the world's kindest and most considerate girl purchased and then shared credit with her two best friends. I hate taking credit for someone else's thoughtfulness! I am so not that thoughtful. I try. Hmmm...I digress here.

Any way, SSS was the most patient teacher ever. Really didn't get frustrated with my phobic fear, anxiety and just plain out pansy-like behavior. It was so refreshing. I think that is the best way to describe him...refreshing. He is just so damn sweet, honest and not about getting laid. I guess the not about getting laid is what makes him refreshing. After we shot, we went back to clean the weapons (not guns). He showed me how they worked...never minding my incessant questions. Another refreshing thing. I am such a curious person. Constant questions about everything. Sometimes to the point of aggrevating another person, but he never seemed to mind. We had so much in common from taste in books, type of art we like (impressionists - esp. Monet), how we like to spend our free time, being hopeless romantics, work ethic, vacations, etc. Really, the perfect guy.

But, the age gap won't be bridged for years. And we could never really be more. Of course, the coolest thing about him is he has a lot of friends that are girls. We can be friends and that is totally cool by me. Of course, it didn't keep me from getting this silly little grin on my face when I saw he emailed me. Or keep me from being excited about spending more time with him. But, I do know I am being silly. I'm pretty sure he has the hots for C3. I think it would be awesome if they went out because she's one of the best people I know. Not sure she's ready for a relationship, though. Just like I'm not sure I am. Maybe that is why God hasn't put Perfect without a But into my life just yet. I'm holding onto that. I am happy. I have the best friends anyone could ask for...who wouldn't be?