A friend of my has been stringing a girl along. Why you ask...I have not a clue, I tell you. But here is my response to his comment of "Ok, I don’t know what she wants to be right now, she only started to contact a couple of days ago."
What has she said/asked? You can’t be that “dumb” not to know what she is asking you and talking to you about. Why do you think she is contacting you?
I’m seeing you do stuff that guys have done to me and I seriously HATE them for it. I’d much rather have a guy tell me he’s not interested and move on. If you really don’t know and are really confused, that’s one thing. But even if that is the case, it is cruel to string her along even if you are unsure. You need to take the time alone (yes, you might possibly loose her forever) and figure out what the hell you want. I can’t tell you. She can’t tell you.
You need to take a long hard look at the situation. You told me she wanted you to spend too much time with her, etc. But from what I understand, you only spent one to two days a week with her. If that was too much, then you are definitely a LONG way off from a relationship with anyone. But, if you still care about her, want to be with her and that’s all you want to give her, then tell her. She might be willing to put up with that crap or might not even consider it crap.
If you are seeing someone else, you need to fess up to that, too. That’s not fair to anyone involved.
I have no idea what is going around in your head and I’m not sure if you know either. But, you need to figure it out and be honest with yourself and the girl about it. Stop dicking around with her if you have no intention of being with her. She’s been through enough shit in her life.
And, don’t go giving me the crap that she’s too good for you, you’re afraid you’ll her hurt her, blah, blah, blah. That’s crap and you and I both know that’s a line of shit people say instead of “I’m not all that into you.”
So, don’t hate me for giving it to you straight up. You know that’s me and it’s what I do to all my friends because
1. I don’t want my friends to get hurt.
2. I don’t want my friends to hurt other people
3. I believe friends need to be honest with each other, even if it hurts.
4. I believe you are far more honorable than every guy who’s ever pulled this crap on me and I can’t stand to see you do it to someone else.
So, grow a pair and get your act together!
That goes for all men and even some women out there. STOP playing games and be accountable for your actions.
That's all I've got to say about that!
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Monday, May 4, 2009
But a pixel
He was in a room that would be classified as a study...busy working. I tried to get his attention but it wouldn't happen. I suspected something. When he had gone out for a moment, I went in and discovered a lease on the desk. Later we were sitting at a table outside of the study. I asked him what he had been working on. He said nothing much. I dug my fingers hard into his arm and repeated the question. I'm sure he felt that my eyes were burning holes into his face as disturbing as my fingers clamping his arm. He repeated nothing. I pulled out the lease. He admitted he was moving out. I started hitting him, over and over, harder and harder. I awoke in a cold sweat. That was about 4 a.m.
I wondered what had caused the dream. I hadn't had one in a while. But it came to me quickly. The clock had passed midnight and it was May 4. It would have been our anniversary. I'm not sure which one. Don't go congratulating me. I could never remember what year we got married or which anniversary it was. No, I'm not a guy!
I wished I had a man next to me to cuddle me back to sleep. But then again, if one had been in bed with me, I probably wouldn't have had such a vivid dream.
I'm okay, though. I thought about the dream and the day a couple of times today. I'm not so hurt, angry or distraught over it. I have good friends and a nice life. He threw a pretty nasty blow into it. But, it is a pleasant life never the less.
If I were to see him today, I would tell him that i still dislike the person he had become. He wasn't the person I fell in love with. He wasn't an honorable man. I have nothing but contempt for him, not that I'd go out of my way to show it. I'd tell him, "you are but a pixel in the picture that is my life. I am fine without you."
I wondered what had caused the dream. I hadn't had one in a while. But it came to me quickly. The clock had passed midnight and it was May 4. It would have been our anniversary. I'm not sure which one. Don't go congratulating me. I could never remember what year we got married or which anniversary it was. No, I'm not a guy!
I wished I had a man next to me to cuddle me back to sleep. But then again, if one had been in bed with me, I probably wouldn't have had such a vivid dream.
I'm okay, though. I thought about the dream and the day a couple of times today. I'm not so hurt, angry or distraught over it. I have good friends and a nice life. He threw a pretty nasty blow into it. But, it is a pleasant life never the less.
If I were to see him today, I would tell him that i still dislike the person he had become. He wasn't the person I fell in love with. He wasn't an honorable man. I have nothing but contempt for him, not that I'd go out of my way to show it. I'd tell him, "you are but a pixel in the picture that is my life. I am fine without you."
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Drifting
I feel like I'm drifting lately. I'm a bit out of sorts because of it. I don't know what I truly want in my life right now. So I drift.
I had a bf who was less than. He was too young for me and I knew that from the git go. But, I fooled myself into believing that he was the one...because besides the age thing, he was perfect...well right up until I committed to him. Then I saw he had put on this pretense of a person he wasn't to try and win my affections. It worked. And, it took months for me to realize he never really was that person I fell in love with. Yeah, he was too young and thus the reason for his pretense - a foolish young man's mistake. But I'm still sad. I loved the feeling I had when I finally let go. I was flying and feeling so good that I found someone to love. It was funny how quickly he changed once I was "his". He even admitted that he didn't think he had to try so hard anymore. The boy does have quite a bit to learn. But I guess so do I!
I don't really want a bf right now. I do but I don't. I want to be madly in love with someone and have them feel the same way about me. Have someone to get giddy over. .. who when I see their name on the phone come up, I smile and get butterflies. Who I can't wait to see again. The problem is it just hasn't happened to me and I don't feel like it's in the cards for me. I don't understand why. It doesn't seem fair really.
At the same time, I'm okay with it. I love hanging out with my friends and not worrying about the whole relationship thing. I like being able to do what I want, when I want and not worrying about pleasing someone else.
Add this to work being - well, just work. I dont' have a whole lot of ambition there right now. So, all of this makes me feel like I'm drifting aimlessly about. No real point. I mean really, what is the point? I don't understand why God has put me in this position. I don't really care for not being in a relationship. But, the effort required to find someone is just not worth it. It's fucked.
So I drift....
I had a bf who was less than. He was too young for me and I knew that from the git go. But, I fooled myself into believing that he was the one...because besides the age thing, he was perfect...well right up until I committed to him. Then I saw he had put on this pretense of a person he wasn't to try and win my affections. It worked. And, it took months for me to realize he never really was that person I fell in love with. Yeah, he was too young and thus the reason for his pretense - a foolish young man's mistake. But I'm still sad. I loved the feeling I had when I finally let go. I was flying and feeling so good that I found someone to love. It was funny how quickly he changed once I was "his". He even admitted that he didn't think he had to try so hard anymore. The boy does have quite a bit to learn. But I guess so do I!
I don't really want a bf right now. I do but I don't. I want to be madly in love with someone and have them feel the same way about me. Have someone to get giddy over. .. who when I see their name on the phone come up, I smile and get butterflies. Who I can't wait to see again. The problem is it just hasn't happened to me and I don't feel like it's in the cards for me. I don't understand why. It doesn't seem fair really.
At the same time, I'm okay with it. I love hanging out with my friends and not worrying about the whole relationship thing. I like being able to do what I want, when I want and not worrying about pleasing someone else.
Add this to work being - well, just work. I dont' have a whole lot of ambition there right now. So, all of this makes me feel like I'm drifting aimlessly about. No real point. I mean really, what is the point? I don't understand why God has put me in this position. I don't really care for not being in a relationship. But, the effort required to find someone is just not worth it. It's fucked.
So I drift....
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Back to the Gym
I haven’t felt like writing lately. I haven’t felt like doing much lately. I think the winter blahs truly had a hold on me. So in order to break its spell, I recommitted to working out. Yesterday, I went to the gym. All my old favorites were there.
Zodiac asked me where I had been…he had missed me. He’s such a nice guy. We chatted for a bit – mostly about my pathetic love life. He thinks I’m too shy. I know it’s because I’m too particular - yeah, I actually want a guy with morals, a brain, a sense of humor and a decent body. Damn my high standards! But hell, I not too shy! Zodiac is having cataract surgery on his right eye this week. He already had his left eye done. I am hoping it will go well for him.
Nice Girl wasn’t there last night but I did see her a week ago on my first day back. She was wondering what happened to me. She had hoped all was well with me. She is the other person I had wondered and thought about the most after I stopped going to the gym. It was nice to see her.
JabberJaws (JJ) wasn’t there but JJ2 was. I never see these two guys lift or use the equipment. Ususally they are standing next to one of the regulars just chatting away. The gym is their social outlet. JJ usually stops by to chat with me. Nice Girl told me that they were discussing me and why I had stopped going to the gym a couple of weeks ago. He told her that my boyfriend, who was in law enforcement probably wouldn’t let me go any more. Now that’s a double hoot! I mean me, a boyfriend. Ha! And as if ANY man can tell me what to do – hahaha! And, if one were to forbid me to do something…well, even if I didn’t want to do it, I’d be doing it – probably twice as often, too. I can’t wait to see JJ and tease him about how my boyfriend is going to arrest him for talking to me!
Besides Nice Girl and Zodiac, the usual cast of eye candy was there. Rising Sun and Marley (along with some of his wailers) were still lifting together. They are usually my primary form of entertainment while at the gym. So absolutely fabulous to watch. A few new guys...one who is in competetion with Ghiradeli and Lindt. Hmmm...not sure what to name him. And, Tall, Dark and Handsome was there. He has such a fabulous shape. Maybe one of these days he'll actually look at me so I can smile at him and try to strike up a conversation. I bet he's married (no ring on his finger but he's working out) or has a gf...he seems to only be concerned with his work out.
But in all, it was a wonderful trip. Lots of entertainment... in the form of overflowing testosterone. Testosterone is God's ensurance that men will do stupid things to either irritate or entertain women. I love it!
Maybe the next trip will inspire me to write my top 10 favorite things about the gym!
Zodiac asked me where I had been…he had missed me. He’s such a nice guy. We chatted for a bit – mostly about my pathetic love life. He thinks I’m too shy. I know it’s because I’m too particular - yeah, I actually want a guy with morals, a brain, a sense of humor and a decent body. Damn my high standards! But hell, I not too shy! Zodiac is having cataract surgery on his right eye this week. He already had his left eye done. I am hoping it will go well for him.
Nice Girl wasn’t there last night but I did see her a week ago on my first day back. She was wondering what happened to me. She had hoped all was well with me. She is the other person I had wondered and thought about the most after I stopped going to the gym. It was nice to see her.
JabberJaws (JJ) wasn’t there but JJ2 was. I never see these two guys lift or use the equipment. Ususally they are standing next to one of the regulars just chatting away. The gym is their social outlet. JJ usually stops by to chat with me. Nice Girl told me that they were discussing me and why I had stopped going to the gym a couple of weeks ago. He told her that my boyfriend, who was in law enforcement probably wouldn’t let me go any more. Now that’s a double hoot! I mean me, a boyfriend. Ha! And as if ANY man can tell me what to do – hahaha! And, if one were to forbid me to do something…well, even if I didn’t want to do it, I’d be doing it – probably twice as often, too. I can’t wait to see JJ and tease him about how my boyfriend is going to arrest him for talking to me!
Besides Nice Girl and Zodiac, the usual cast of eye candy was there. Rising Sun and Marley (along with some of his wailers) were still lifting together. They are usually my primary form of entertainment while at the gym. So absolutely fabulous to watch. A few new guys...one who is in competetion with Ghiradeli and Lindt. Hmmm...not sure what to name him. And, Tall, Dark and Handsome was there. He has such a fabulous shape. Maybe one of these days he'll actually look at me so I can smile at him and try to strike up a conversation. I bet he's married (no ring on his finger but he's working out) or has a gf...he seems to only be concerned with his work out.
But in all, it was a wonderful trip. Lots of entertainment... in the form of overflowing testosterone. Testosterone is God's ensurance that men will do stupid things to either irritate or entertain women. I love it!
Maybe the next trip will inspire me to write my top 10 favorite things about the gym!
Friday, March 20, 2009
Spring Fever
Even thought today is the first day of spring, I think I have the winter blues. I’ve been blah for the past week or two, not really able to motivate myself to do much of anything. It’s pretty sad. I’m not sure what is causing it…whether it is physical from being sick, hormonal from dropping the pill, lack of sun, chemical imbalance or just plain fed up with my life. Any way my thoughts have been dark and dreary.
I’m bored with my life and would really like to just take off and start over somewhere warm, sunny with folks that are a bit friendlier… southern California comes to mind. But, that is just not feasible at this time. So, I stay here in this civil war border state and try not to brood about the weather. We’ll have about a month of rain and then over night, the sweltering days of summer will be here.
I’m bored at work. And, while I love my Boo, I’m finding that we spend less and less time together…as should be considering it’s time for her to take flight!
I am tired of guys. I’m tired of the extreme amount of attention they will lavish on you upon first meeting you to try and win your heart. It is just plain exhausting to deal with the constant attention. But then, when you get used to it, determine they are “worthy” and accept them into your life, they flake out. They decide they want their space or they get really demanding about your time. You stick with it in hopes they will go back to being that charming person you first met. But that person is gone…a false front they put up. Why do guys do that? Why can’t they just be themselves right up front…oh I know. Because they know we won’t have anything to do with their selfish, self-absorbent behavior. They will never have a chance to touch our naked breasts if they ever knew what jerks they really were.
So, now I’m swearing off men. My well meaning friend said, “Just as soon as you meet the next right guy, you’ll completely forget having ever even said those words. None of it will mean shit then and you’ll be bouncing around happy as can be again. Just a matter of time.” He is mistaken on several levels.
One, I have given up trying to meet men. It’s a time consuming waste of time. Seems like they are either too young or too broken from their last relationship or too single for too long. Two, his statement indicates that I’d meet the right guy…hahaha..see that is what I’m pretty sure will not happen. I’ve been plagued with losers and bastards my whole life. Why oh why should I believe that now, all of a sudden the right guy will magically appear? Seriously, why? Why should I have any faith in this whatsoever?
Yeah, my friend is right. IF the right guy were to appear, I’d be happy. But, I fail to see this ever occurring. Why? Because the man I want does not exist! I want someone who is a faithful, open minded Christian, intelligent, non-competitive, funny, can carry on a conversation from dinner til the light of dawn, who is sexy but not consumed with sex, who is kind, compassionate and knows how to be loyal. That’s it…that’s what I want. And, at my age, any guy who fits this bill is married or young enough that they want children and I don’t want any more. This man does NOT exist. And, I have finally come to accept that fact. And, that is why I have sworn off men. No point in being disappointed any more.
I’m trying to do all the things that I love…sports, writing, reading, gardening, etc. But I seem to be lacking in finding joy in them. I know I have a bunch of friends who have tougher concerns than I.. money problems, ailing parents, etc. So, I even feel guilty because I know things are better for me than them. So, I’m hoping to snap out of this shortly. Spring is here, right?!
I’m bored with my life and would really like to just take off and start over somewhere warm, sunny with folks that are a bit friendlier… southern California comes to mind. But, that is just not feasible at this time. So, I stay here in this civil war border state and try not to brood about the weather. We’ll have about a month of rain and then over night, the sweltering days of summer will be here.
I’m bored at work. And, while I love my Boo, I’m finding that we spend less and less time together…as should be considering it’s time for her to take flight!
I am tired of guys. I’m tired of the extreme amount of attention they will lavish on you upon first meeting you to try and win your heart. It is just plain exhausting to deal with the constant attention. But then, when you get used to it, determine they are “worthy” and accept them into your life, they flake out. They decide they want their space or they get really demanding about your time. You stick with it in hopes they will go back to being that charming person you first met. But that person is gone…a false front they put up. Why do guys do that? Why can’t they just be themselves right up front…oh I know. Because they know we won’t have anything to do with their selfish, self-absorbent behavior. They will never have a chance to touch our naked breasts if they ever knew what jerks they really were.
So, now I’m swearing off men. My well meaning friend said, “Just as soon as you meet the next right guy, you’ll completely forget having ever even said those words. None of it will mean shit then and you’ll be bouncing around happy as can be again. Just a matter of time.” He is mistaken on several levels.
One, I have given up trying to meet men. It’s a time consuming waste of time. Seems like they are either too young or too broken from their last relationship or too single for too long. Two, his statement indicates that I’d meet the right guy…hahaha..see that is what I’m pretty sure will not happen. I’ve been plagued with losers and bastards my whole life. Why oh why should I believe that now, all of a sudden the right guy will magically appear? Seriously, why? Why should I have any faith in this whatsoever?
Yeah, my friend is right. IF the right guy were to appear, I’d be happy. But, I fail to see this ever occurring. Why? Because the man I want does not exist! I want someone who is a faithful, open minded Christian, intelligent, non-competitive, funny, can carry on a conversation from dinner til the light of dawn, who is sexy but not consumed with sex, who is kind, compassionate and knows how to be loyal. That’s it…that’s what I want. And, at my age, any guy who fits this bill is married or young enough that they want children and I don’t want any more. This man does NOT exist. And, I have finally come to accept that fact. And, that is why I have sworn off men. No point in being disappointed any more.
I’m trying to do all the things that I love…sports, writing, reading, gardening, etc. But I seem to be lacking in finding joy in them. I know I have a bunch of friends who have tougher concerns than I.. money problems, ailing parents, etc. So, I even feel guilty because I know things are better for me than them. So, I’m hoping to snap out of this shortly. Spring is here, right?!
Monday, March 2, 2009
Not Today
February 21, 2009
a little shiver
a bit lethargic
memories come rushing through my brain
Not again
Please not again
At least not today....
fear arising
pain unrelenting
The tears come gushing down my face.
driving fast
praying hard
Lord I can't take another loss like this.
Not again.
Please not again
At least not today....
Some reassurance
A best friend’s visit
A promise it will be okay
A little tail wag
A bit of a jump
The relief comes flooding over me.
It’s not again
Thanks, not again
At least not today.....
a little shiver
a bit lethargic
memories come rushing through my brain
Not again
Please not again
At least not today....
fear arising
pain unrelenting
The tears come gushing down my face.
driving fast
praying hard
Lord I can't take another loss like this.
Not again.
Please not again
At least not today....
Some reassurance
A best friend’s visit
A promise it will be okay
A little tail wag
A bit of a jump
The relief comes flooding over me.
It’s not again
Thanks, not again
At least not today.....
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
fianlly...it's over
It has taken me long enough to do it. But, I made the final cut with YM. I let it drag on a couple more weeks than it should have. But, I guess I needed to slowly ween myself off him. I also needed to see if there was anything worth salvaging. I knew he cared about me but he didnt' know how to show it. I wasn't sure if he was just slow at learning or too lazy to try. I came to the conlcusion that the latter was true. It is sad, but I'm pretty sure I'm okay with it. It's not like things had been feeling all that good any way. Plus, I have a few dates lined up already. I know, I know. I just always seem to have the boys lined up when I have a bf. So, I just took advantage of it.
The first date is tonight. Just drinks with a friend that I doubt will amount to anything but he seems sweet and is kinda cute. Just not sure I want anything there. The next is on Thursday with another guy I've been talking to. He helped me out of a fix and is very attentitve. But, he is just out of a relationship and well, I'm not seeing that going any where any time soon, either. He is consistent, though. The third is on Saturday and with a guy I had dated about this time last year. I'm not really sure he'd consider it a date. But, I am. He's a funny, smart, talented, really sweet guy. The type I could fall for and started to last year. A couple circumstances prevented it from going much further and we lost touch. We just started emailing recently and he asked me to meet up for dinner. I'm a bit skeptical, but actually pretty excited about seeing him. He is the type of guy that I can be myself around. And, that is what I want right now.
Sooooo... we'll see how this week goes.
The first date is tonight. Just drinks with a friend that I doubt will amount to anything but he seems sweet and is kinda cute. Just not sure I want anything there. The next is on Thursday with another guy I've been talking to. He helped me out of a fix and is very attentitve. But, he is just out of a relationship and well, I'm not seeing that going any where any time soon, either. He is consistent, though. The third is on Saturday and with a guy I had dated about this time last year. I'm not really sure he'd consider it a date. But, I am. He's a funny, smart, talented, really sweet guy. The type I could fall for and started to last year. A couple circumstances prevented it from going much further and we lost touch. We just started emailing recently and he asked me to meet up for dinner. I'm a bit skeptical, but actually pretty excited about seeing him. He is the type of guy that I can be myself around. And, that is what I want right now.
Sooooo... we'll see how this week goes.
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