I haven’t told him yet that I love him. I’m terrified to do so. I’m not sure how he will respond and I don’t want to hit any major road bumps. Every week I tell myself, next week I’ll tell him. That I just need a little more time. But next week never comes.
He is the most honest man I have ever met. And, considering the liars that I’ve had to deal with in the past, I think only someone like him could gain my trust and love. There is no pretense about him. Every time I start to get anxious or insecure, I remember who he is. He isn’t a guy who’ll start a relationship with another person while having one with me. He isn’t a sneaky, lying, cheating dirt bag. He isn’t the man who says he loves me but can’t be with me and not be able to explain why. He isn’t a guy who’ll have sex with me and then get out of bed and go online seeking out other women. He doesn’t say one thing and do another. He means what he says and doesn’t operate in the darkness. This is why I love him. So, why can’t I trust him enough to tell him?
He doesn’t open up to many people. It makes me feel so special that I’m someone with whom he’ll talk with for hours. Most people don’t get more than a few minutes of small talk. He is wickedly funny and crazy sarcastic. And, when he thinks he has hurt my feelings with his humor, he takes me into his arms and makes sure I know he was joking.
He doesn’t read women well. He needs for me to be direct and if I am hurting to tell him. This is difficult for me. I’ve realized that it is very difficult for me to open myself to him. But, I’m working on it. I have to remind myself that he’d never intentionally hurt me and therefore, it should be easy for me to tell him when he does. I know he’d do anything I’d ask.
He is beautiful. He has a beautiful face. His arms and chest are absolutely gorgeous. His ass is perfectly shaped. I think because he isn’t tall, he truly doesn’t know how sexy he is. However, I think he knows how fantastic he is in bed. I’m pretty sure he has had many partners and a lot of experience. I don’t ask these questions but can tell by how good he is at making me get the big O. I am having the best sex of my life. He constantly asks me what I want and will do anything I ask. With him, I’ve had the most, the most intensive and the best O’s I’ve ever had…over and over again. Every night, he can go for hours. And, less than an hour later, go again. I’ve never met a man who can keep up with me. He exhausts me every time.
Part of me fears this physical aspect of our relationship is why I’m afraid to tell him I love him. What if he decides that is too much to bear and walks away. I don’t want to lose the sex. But, I also know, I don’t want to be in a “sex only” relationship. I need for him to love me, too. I guess that is why I’m afraid to tell him. I need for him to love me too. And if he doesn’t (yet), I don’t want to pressure him. He is the guy who waits for the ice to melt.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Mom Reflections
Today I try to shake off the “blah” feeling I have. Actually, I’m okay with the blah, just not the overwhelming desire to weep. Sunday was such a happy yet bitter sweet occasion and I wonder if every happy occasion from now on will feel the same. Boo, after her struggle in high school, managed to graduate college with a GPA that matched mine (thank God not her father’s 2.3!) If Mom was alive, she would have been there. Instead, I attended the graduation with my ex and his family. Not that I don’t like them – hell, his step parents (one for each parent) each like me better than him. LOL. But, it just wasn’t the same without Mom. I know she would have been just as proud. She was the biggest cheerleader for her kids and grandkids.
I totally miss talking to her. I have to confess there was a time when I dreaded it. C2 can attest to the many phone calls I refused to take. Not that I didn’t want to talk to Mom…just I despise talking on the phone. It hurts my ear. I know, you don’t believe me, but it is true. It does. And I hate it! But, living 300+ miles from Mom made it our primary source of communication….especially after she lost her sight and ability to operate the computer. So, I adapted.
I hate driving in rush hour traffic. So, I decided, since I was already irritated with the traffic, I would call Mom. Figured even the annoyance of the phone would be minimized by irritation of the morons that have yet to figure out how to use their signals, pay attention to their driving, or not be a complete self-absorbed individual who thinks they own the road. So, the ritual started. Every couple of days or so, I’d call mom on the ride home. Although, half of the conversation sounded something like this:
Me:Oh man! You idiot !
Mom: What?
Me: You should have seen what this moron just did. They shouldn’t be allowed to drive.
Mom: Maybe you should call me later?
Me: No, I’m good.
Add that to the fact that I always felt like there wasn’t anything to talk about. It just seemed like we were saying the same stuff over and over again. I often wondered how much the fact that I’d call while I driving bugged Mom and how mundane it must seem for her. Then, one day, my little sis told me that Mom told her how much she enjoyed our conversations. After that, I started making mental notes of things that happened during the day that Mom might enjoy hearing about. I felt that way, I could just babble about my day and Mom would be happy to have me called and to know I was “still alive and kicking” and maybe, perhaps, she’d even be entertained.
After she passed away, I’d still make the mental list. Usually in the middle of the thought, I’d realize the phone call wasn’t going to happen. And, every once in awhile, mostly when stuck in traffic, I’d think, I need to call Mom. Then realize that wasn’t going to happen.
It is funny how something so dreadful turned into something I actually looked forward to and enjoyed. So much so, that now, I miss it. I mean, I can still babble to her in my head. But, I don’t get the benefit of her replies, whether they be a chuckle, some sage advice or something totally ridiculous. I miss that!
I totally miss talking to her. I have to confess there was a time when I dreaded it. C2 can attest to the many phone calls I refused to take. Not that I didn’t want to talk to Mom…just I despise talking on the phone. It hurts my ear. I know, you don’t believe me, but it is true. It does. And I hate it! But, living 300+ miles from Mom made it our primary source of communication….especially after she lost her sight and ability to operate the computer. So, I adapted.
I hate driving in rush hour traffic. So, I decided, since I was already irritated with the traffic, I would call Mom. Figured even the annoyance of the phone would be minimized by irritation of the morons that have yet to figure out how to use their signals, pay attention to their driving, or not be a complete self-absorbed individual who thinks they own the road. So, the ritual started. Every couple of days or so, I’d call mom on the ride home. Although, half of the conversation sounded something like this:
Me:
Mom: What?
Me: You should have seen what this moron just did. They shouldn’t be allowed to drive.
Mom: Maybe you should call me later?
Me: No, I’m good.
Add that to the fact that I always felt like there wasn’t anything to talk about. It just seemed like we were saying the same stuff over and over again. I often wondered how much the fact that I’d call while I driving bugged Mom and how mundane it must seem for her. Then, one day, my little sis told me that Mom told her how much she enjoyed our conversations. After that, I started making mental notes of things that happened during the day that Mom might enjoy hearing about. I felt that way, I could just babble about my day and Mom would be happy to have me called and to know I was “still alive and kicking” and maybe, perhaps, she’d even be entertained.
After she passed away, I’d still make the mental list. Usually in the middle of the thought, I’d realize the phone call wasn’t going to happen. And, every once in awhile, mostly when stuck in traffic, I’d think, I need to call Mom. Then realize that wasn’t going to happen.
It is funny how something so dreadful turned into something I actually looked forward to and enjoyed. So much so, that now, I miss it. I mean, I can still babble to her in my head. But, I don’t get the benefit of her replies, whether they be a chuckle, some sage advice or something totally ridiculous. I miss that!
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
New year - New Hope
New Year's Eve was spent with my wonderful group of friends. I didn't have to wish "good riddance" to 2012 as I had several years ago. And, as happened in the past few years, I was not snuggling up with some guy who was pretending to be someone he was not. I had three invites and chose the one where my closest friends would be. I was told many times how happy/content I seemed. I felt that way because I felt loved! It was a wonderful celebration with food, drink, a bonfire and dancing. We partied til 3 a.m. and I fell to sleep exhausted at the beautiful blonde's house.
My cabana boy was not there. We've been apart for weeks and I feel like it's taking its toll on me. Our schedules have been conflicting since mid-December. We've stolen a day together here and there. But, it feels like we are the 500 miles apart that we are. We still text daily and sometimes for hours on end. So, I know I shouldn't feel so isolated from him. But I do. My general anxiety over relationships seems to have gotten worse in the past year. Perhaps because I've met so many men who pretend to be someone they are not. Perhaps because I feel like I've given up on the hope that I can find someone who adores me for me and won't run scared when I tell him I love him. I don't know what is causing it, but it is there. I'm doing my best to hide it from CB. I'm not sure if I'm doing a good job or not. My gfs tell me they can see in his eyes how much he adores me. He seems to completely accept me and there is no effort to change me. But, he also often states he doesn't want drama and wants to keep things happy between us. I have no idea what that means. And, I over analyze it. Does it mean he isn't serious? And why does that matter? He is honest, faithful and loving. That should be all I need for now. I don't need a commitment for the rest of my life. I've had enough guys tell me they are "certain I am the one", only to walk away a month later.
I know he has been through a rough time and there is still heartache in him that he won't talk about. I know that he feels estranged from his family and a bit like an outcast for being divorced. I know that he needs to be a "manly man" and as a result, won't talk about things. And, I have told myself that I can accept these things in him because I love who we are together. I love the way he trusts me implicitly and I him. I love the way he can get me to chill out and de-stress. I love our physical relationship (best ever!!!!!!). I have to have faith in these things. This I know...it is just so hard to do.
I can't wait til the end of January, when we both will have more time to spend with each other and I can be reassured. I hope....or at least will try to hold that hope! After all, it is the new year!
My cabana boy was not there. We've been apart for weeks and I feel like it's taking its toll on me. Our schedules have been conflicting since mid-December. We've stolen a day together here and there. But, it feels like we are the 500 miles apart that we are. We still text daily and sometimes for hours on end. So, I know I shouldn't feel so isolated from him. But I do. My general anxiety over relationships seems to have gotten worse in the past year. Perhaps because I've met so many men who pretend to be someone they are not. Perhaps because I feel like I've given up on the hope that I can find someone who adores me for me and won't run scared when I tell him I love him. I don't know what is causing it, but it is there. I'm doing my best to hide it from CB. I'm not sure if I'm doing a good job or not. My gfs tell me they can see in his eyes how much he adores me. He seems to completely accept me and there is no effort to change me. But, he also often states he doesn't want drama and wants to keep things happy between us. I have no idea what that means. And, I over analyze it. Does it mean he isn't serious? And why does that matter? He is honest, faithful and loving. That should be all I need for now. I don't need a commitment for the rest of my life. I've had enough guys tell me they are "certain I am the one", only to walk away a month later.
I know he has been through a rough time and there is still heartache in him that he won't talk about. I know that he feels estranged from his family and a bit like an outcast for being divorced. I know that he needs to be a "manly man" and as a result, won't talk about things. And, I have told myself that I can accept these things in him because I love who we are together. I love the way he trusts me implicitly and I him. I love the way he can get me to chill out and de-stress. I love our physical relationship (best ever!!!!!!). I have to have faith in these things. This I know...it is just so hard to do.
I can't wait til the end of January, when we both will have more time to spend with each other and I can be reassured. I hope....or at least will try to hold that hope! After all, it is the new year!
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Gun Control....or not
I don’t like guns. Actually, they scare the crap out of me. They scare me so much that I BFE from having a gun in my house for the two years she lived with me. This doesn’t mean I don’t know how to fire one. I’ve been fortunate enough to have friends who have taken me to shoot. I’ve shot a glock, a sig, and a shotgun (not all in the same day). I actually like shooting and advise anyone who never has shot a gun to go and try it out. Lots of fun. Of course, this doesn’t mean that I’m still not terrified of guns.
The recent killings in CT have once again brought to the forefront of the media the gun control battle. Which reminds me, are we still facing a fiscal cliff??? Has anyone heard anything about that in the news lately…nah – this CT is far more sensational! Anyway, being terrified of guns and having a daughter who has now completed her Elementary Education degree, one would think that I’d be for gun control. But, I am a logical human being and one with access to a plethora of information at my fingertips. So, I did what I do best and researched.
First I found the statistics on homicides that show more people are killed by non-gun assaults than those with guns. I was completely validated when I read the number one weapon used in violent crimes (supposedly according to FBI statistics) is a baseball bat. OF course, I can’t validate the statistic, but like that my defensive weapon of choice seems to be the choice of criminals when inflicting pain onto others.
Next I researched gun laws. I would hope everyone realizes that guns laws are governed at a state level. Connecticut has a ban on assault riffles. It also requires permits for purchase of hand guns. In order to “carry” a person has complete a course and get a permit to carry. These laws are more restrictive than many states and seemingly the “ban” that gun control supporters want to put into effect nationwide. But, they didn’t seem to do anything to prevent the tragedy in CT. So logically, why would I come to believe they would help prevent future tragedies?
Being an engineer, I’ve spent many years doing root cause failure analysis. What these means is when something breaks, we look to see where the system broke down and caused the failure. For example, if you get a flat tire on your mountain bike, you patch it (put a band aid on it). Then, the patch breaks and you put a bigger patch on it. Then you get another blow out. This is because you are not fixing the root cause…bad suspension which allows the bike to smash down on your tire, causing the blowout. Even if you continue to patch and put better, stronger, faster tires on the bike…until you fix the suspension, you haven’t fixed the root cause. This is how we address every problem we encounter…don’t put the band aid on it…find the root cause of the failure (which may not be anywhere near the failure) and fix that.
And the root cause failure I see in the CT shootings and many others is the mental state of the individual committing the crime. That is what needs to be addressed. It seems to me the way we handle our mentally challenged neighbors is despicable. They are ostracized, bullied and in general, treated poorly by those in authority. It tears my heart to see it.
I read an article by a psychiatrist and think she has indicated where the system needs to be fixed.
1) The US Congress: Please create better laws to ensure the ticking time bomb is caught before it is too late. Make it much easier for a family to get a potentially dangerous person into mandated treatment. This means less paperwork, too. We need to support parents and mental health professionals.
2) The US Justice Department: It’s time we enacted a Health Law Court. Have doctors serve as judges and streamline legal proceedings for tough medical and psychiatric cases. Go to commongood.org for ideas on how this can be done.
3) Health Insurance Companies: Man up. My main complaint is with you. You make it so hard to keep people in the hospital when they need to be there, and it’s even harder to keep them in intensive outpatient services. Please create protocols for difficult cases and loosen the purse strings for extremely troubled individuals –- before it’s too late.
4) Network TV: Please create some exciting television that is actually educational about mental illness. Or least give us a “Gossip Girl” who takes her medication and sees her psychiatrist regularly. Less stigma, better health.
6) The Hollywood PR Machine: Please find the mental health community a really attractive celebrity to get the US mental health system some money. I am glad that George Clooney and Angelina Jolie are doing so much for Africa, but can we borrow one of them please?
7) High School Students: Tell the popular kids to stop being such dicks to the odd kids or the ones they don’t understand.
8) Community Psychiatry Health Researchers: You have kick-ass and innovative ideas for how to reform the system. Could one of you put on a sequin dress and walk a red carpet please? We need to get you more money.
Yes, I stole that list from someone else, But it resonated with me. My heart breaks knowing there are people out there that need help and are being denied it. Then when they do, what is pretty much their “sentence “ due to the lack of help for them, everyone is out to cast stones. What a fucked up world we live in!
The recent killings in CT have once again brought to the forefront of the media the gun control battle. Which reminds me, are we still facing a fiscal cliff??? Has anyone heard anything about that in the news lately…nah – this CT is far more sensational! Anyway, being terrified of guns and having a daughter who has now completed her Elementary Education degree, one would think that I’d be for gun control. But, I am a logical human being and one with access to a plethora of information at my fingertips. So, I did what I do best and researched.
First I found the statistics on homicides that show more people are killed by non-gun assaults than those with guns. I was completely validated when I read the number one weapon used in violent crimes (supposedly according to FBI statistics) is a baseball bat. OF course, I can’t validate the statistic, but like that my defensive weapon of choice seems to be the choice of criminals when inflicting pain onto others.
Next I researched gun laws. I would hope everyone realizes that guns laws are governed at a state level. Connecticut has a ban on assault riffles. It also requires permits for purchase of hand guns. In order to “carry” a person has complete a course and get a permit to carry. These laws are more restrictive than many states and seemingly the “ban” that gun control supporters want to put into effect nationwide. But, they didn’t seem to do anything to prevent the tragedy in CT. So logically, why would I come to believe they would help prevent future tragedies?
Being an engineer, I’ve spent many years doing root cause failure analysis. What these means is when something breaks, we look to see where the system broke down and caused the failure. For example, if you get a flat tire on your mountain bike, you patch it (put a band aid on it). Then, the patch breaks and you put a bigger patch on it. Then you get another blow out. This is because you are not fixing the root cause…bad suspension which allows the bike to smash down on your tire, causing the blowout. Even if you continue to patch and put better, stronger, faster tires on the bike…until you fix the suspension, you haven’t fixed the root cause. This is how we address every problem we encounter…don’t put the band aid on it…find the root cause of the failure (which may not be anywhere near the failure) and fix that.
And the root cause failure I see in the CT shootings and many others is the mental state of the individual committing the crime. That is what needs to be addressed. It seems to me the way we handle our mentally challenged neighbors is despicable. They are ostracized, bullied and in general, treated poorly by those in authority. It tears my heart to see it.
I read an article by a psychiatrist and think she has indicated where the system needs to be fixed.
1) The US Congress: Please create better laws to ensure the ticking time bomb is caught before it is too late. Make it much easier for a family to get a potentially dangerous person into mandated treatment. This means less paperwork, too. We need to support parents and mental health professionals.
2) The US Justice Department: It’s time we enacted a Health Law Court. Have doctors serve as judges and streamline legal proceedings for tough medical and psychiatric cases. Go to commongood.org for ideas on how this can be done.
3) Health Insurance Companies: Man up. My main complaint is with you. You make it so hard to keep people in the hospital when they need to be there, and it’s even harder to keep them in intensive outpatient services. Please create protocols for difficult cases and loosen the purse strings for extremely troubled individuals –- before it’s too late.
4) Network TV: Please create some exciting television that is actually educational about mental illness. Or least give us a “Gossip Girl” who takes her medication and sees her psychiatrist regularly. Less stigma, better health.
6) The Hollywood PR Machine: Please find the mental health community a really attractive celebrity to get the US mental health system some money. I am glad that George Clooney and Angelina Jolie are doing so much for Africa, but can we borrow one of them please?
7) High School Students: Tell the popular kids to stop being such dicks to the odd kids or the ones they don’t understand.
8) Community Psychiatry Health Researchers: You have kick-ass and innovative ideas for how to reform the system. Could one of you put on a sequin dress and walk a red carpet please? We need to get you more money.
Yes, I stole that list from someone else, But it resonated with me. My heart breaks knowing there are people out there that need help and are being denied it. Then when they do, what is pretty much their “sentence “ due to the lack of help for them, everyone is out to cast stones. What a fucked up world we live in!
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Don't lose that butt
So I am up about 10-15 lbs due to a combination of the meds I am on and the surgery. I'm a little upset about it but mostly feeling pudgy and looking forward to getting off the meds. I've added two days of running and yoga to my nightly exercise routine. I'd three, except the yoga is necessary and I don't seem to have as much free time.
In an exchange with my Cabana Boy, I had accidentally texted "the other fat" instead of "the other day" (stupid BB auto spell). He asked me if I was calling him fat (which he is so NOT - freaking sexy hot body to match his beautiful face!). I told him it was just a BB glitch. Then I wrote, "And concering how upset I am about my weight right now, I wouldn't cast any stones." Later, when he was at the house and we were talking about running, he smacked my butt. He said, "just don't lose this butt."
He likes my big ole butt! It feels so nice to have a man who likes my booty. I know he likes touching it but never realized that he liked the size of it. Of coruse there really are no worries about me losing it, my back end has always been a bit big and a bit of a "bubble butt". The weight loss will come from my middle - which, until I was on these meds, never increased in size. So, when the meds go away, so will the middle. But I will keep my big butt!!
♫ He likes big butts and I do not mind. Cuz on this chick a big butt you'll find!!! ♫
In an exchange with my Cabana Boy, I had accidentally texted "the other fat" instead of "the other day" (stupid BB auto spell). He asked me if I was calling him fat (which he is so NOT - freaking sexy hot body to match his beautiful face!). I told him it was just a BB glitch. Then I wrote, "And concering how upset I am about my weight right now, I wouldn't cast any stones." Later, when he was at the house and we were talking about running, he smacked my butt. He said, "just don't lose this butt."
He likes my big ole butt! It feels so nice to have a man who likes my booty. I know he likes touching it but never realized that he liked the size of it. Of coruse there really are no worries about me losing it, my back end has always been a bit big and a bit of a "bubble butt". The weight loss will come from my middle - which, until I was on these meds, never increased in size. So, when the meds go away, so will the middle. But I will keep my big butt!!
♫ He likes big butts and I do not mind. Cuz on this chick a big butt you'll find!!! ♫
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Today's Fortune
I feel like it could come true! It even has my two sports numbers in the lucky numbers!
Friday, November 2, 2012
Happy Day of the Dead
I went to see Brandi Carlile last night. Third time she’s been to the metro area and it’s the third time I’ve seen her. The first time it was with my gf at a small cozy spot. It was in December, I think. I asked the sound man for the set list. She ended with Hallelujah – what an amazing song. The second time she was an opening act at the amphitheater. I stayed for the “headliner” mostly because the friend I was with wanted to stay and I had nowhere to be. But I totally believed Brandi out performed the headline act. I can’t even remember who he is…hahahaa. Again, she closed with Hallelujah. Last night, she played at the Opera house. Half the songs she played were off her new album. And, she even sang "What Can I Say" unplugged -without mics or amplifiers. It was amazing – her voice is so strong and beautiful. The show was the first time I had a “real date” with me. As we walked in, he immediately asked me if we would be the only hetero couple there. I had to giggle. I remember telling him she had a large female following, but I may have forgotten to add the gay part. I have no issue with someone’s sexual orientation. I just I don’t think about it. And, being the awesome guy he is, he totally didn’t mind either. Ironically, he pointed it out just as I was thinking, ”oh this crowd doesn’t look as gay as last time.” But we all know, I have the worst gay-dar ever. I just don’t notice these things unless they are totally obvious and then I still have to ask the question!
Any way, as usual the band rocked. Tim and Phil are such talented musicians. Although, Allison is not touring with them any more. New drummer's name was Conway or somethign like that. He was good, too. Because of the songs off the new album, they also had a cello player and a violinist (in addtion to Phil playing stand up bass in some songs). I was in heaven while they played. It didn’t help that my BPA was sitting next to me. I don’t want to talk about it because every time I finally admit I’ve met and have been dating a most wonderful man things fall apart and go to hell in a hand bag (where did that statement come from any way? What would you take to hell in a hand bag????) But, this seems so different. It seems natural and right. He seems to adore me as much as I adore him.
I actually had an anxiety dream about him last night. Weird…but then again I am feeling quite anxious about the upcoming surgery. I was going to wait til after the holidays (i.e. next year) to schedule it but it turns out they had an opening next week and why go through all the waiting and anxiety for the next several months. So, I went ahead and scheduled it for five days later. I’ve already had a slew of volunteers offer to stay with me, bring food, etc. I am truly blessed with wonderful, caring, considerate friends. The risks are normal risks but I’m still a little scared about it. I remember the last time I went under anesthesia, I started laughing and making fun of the doctor before I finally went under. The thought of surgery doesn’t scare me, it is just the being put under – guess it the control freak part of me that is scared. But, only a couple of days til it’s over!
Happy beginning of Holiday Season. Happy Day of the Dead. Happy Friday!
Any way, as usual the band rocked. Tim and Phil are such talented musicians. Although, Allison is not touring with them any more. New drummer's name was Conway or somethign like that. He was good, too. Because of the songs off the new album, they also had a cello player and a violinist (in addtion to Phil playing stand up bass in some songs). I was in heaven while they played. It didn’t help that my BPA was sitting next to me. I don’t want to talk about it because every time I finally admit I’ve met and have been dating a most wonderful man things fall apart and go to hell in a hand bag (where did that statement come from any way? What would you take to hell in a hand bag????) But, this seems so different. It seems natural and right. He seems to adore me as much as I adore him.
I actually had an anxiety dream about him last night. Weird…but then again I am feeling quite anxious about the upcoming surgery. I was going to wait til after the holidays (i.e. next year) to schedule it but it turns out they had an opening next week and why go through all the waiting and anxiety for the next several months. So, I went ahead and scheduled it for five days later. I’ve already had a slew of volunteers offer to stay with me, bring food, etc. I am truly blessed with wonderful, caring, considerate friends. The risks are normal risks but I’m still a little scared about it. I remember the last time I went under anesthesia, I started laughing and making fun of the doctor before I finally went under. The thought of surgery doesn’t scare me, it is just the being put under – guess it the control freak part of me that is scared. But, only a couple of days til it’s over!
Happy beginning of Holiday Season. Happy Day of the Dead. Happy Friday!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
