New year - New Hope

New Year's Eve was spent with my wonderful group of friends.  I didn't have to wish "good riddance" to 2012 as I had several years ago.   And, as happened in the past few years, I was not snuggling up with some guy who was pretending to be someone he was not.  I had three invites and chose the one where my closest friends would be.  I was told many times how happy/content I seemed.  I felt that way because I felt loved!  It was a wonderful celebration with food, drink, a bonfire and dancing.  We partied til 3 a.m. and I fell to sleep exhausted at the beautiful blonde's house.

My cabana boy was not there.  We've been apart for weeks and I feel like it's taking its toll on me. Our schedules have been conflicting since mid-December.  We've stolen a day together here and there.  But, it feels like we are the 500 miles apart that we are.  We still text daily and sometimes for hours on end.  So, I know I shouldn't feel so isolated from him.  But I do.  My general anxiety over relationships seems to have gotten worse in the past year.  Perhaps because I've met so many men who pretend to be someone they are not.  Perhaps because I feel like I've given up on the hope that I can find someone who adores me for me and won't run scared when I tell him I love him.  I don't know what is causing it, but it is there.  I'm doing my best to hide it from CB.  I'm not sure if I'm doing a good job or not.   My gfs tell me they can see in his eyes how much he adores me.  He seems to completely accept me and there is no effort to change me.  But, he also often states he doesn't want drama and wants to keep things happy between us.  I have no idea what that means.  And, I over analyze it.  Does it mean he isn't serious?  And why does that matter?  He is honest, faithful and loving.   That should be all I need for now.  I don't need a commitment for the rest of my life.  I've had enough guys tell me they are "certain I am the one", only to walk away a month later. 

I know he has been through a rough time and there is still heartache in him that he won't talk about.  I know that he feels estranged from his family and a bit like an outcast for being divorced.  I know that he needs to be a "manly man" and as a result, won't talk about things.  And, I have told myself that I can accept these things in him because I love who we are together.  I love the way he trusts me implicitly and I him.  I love the way he can get me to chill out and de-stress.  I love our physical relationship (best ever!!!!!!).   I have to have faith in these things.  This I know...it is just so hard to do. 

I can't wait til the end of January, when we both will have more time to spend with each other and I can be reassured.   I hope....or at least will try to hold that hope!  After all, it is the new year!