I went to lunch with Pookie today. Since MM's balls are still on e-bay, he couldn't come. it was better this way, though. I needed someone to talk to and she's one I trust. She took my phone to help prevent me from contacting YBBK. He asked for a breather and I wanted to give it to him. Whatever I can do for him, I will. But if I held the phone, I think I'd have too much temptation to text or call. She said she'd watch it and if Boo or anyone from work or family called, she'd let me know. Otherwise, she's holding it hostage til the end of the day. :) She's such a good friend.
She mostly listened. She even validated me. When I told her when I was questioned about the guy on Saturday, she said, "but you didn't date him!" She's journeyed with me through the past couple of years, so she'd know. It made me feel so good about my thoughts and intentions. I was so afraid I meant to deceive but in her eyes, I wasn't wrong. She promises me she'd tell me and I think she would. I think I'm caught between the world of young people's definitions and my age. She said, "you talked to him and hung out, but no way I'd call that dating. When there is definition and intention, there is dating." She also told me that PJ is the one I should have told him about. That he was the one man I dated and should be telling YBBK about. She had no idea that is what I did, which validated my thoughts all the more.
Of course, her eyes aren't the ones that matter right now. But, it did make me feel better. It made me realize that while I hurt the one person I never wanted to, it wasn't as outright deceptive as I was afraid I had done or he may believe. It couldn't be or Pookie wouldn't have said what she did before even knowing that was what the fight was about. She assured me that I am a honest and giving person. I didn't tell her I was feeling like I wasn't but she must have known because those are the two words I was most concerned I had done injustice to.
She mostly told me I was going to be okay. That this isn't something that should destroy something so good, but if it does, it wasn't meant to be. I like to hold onto that and believe it. She told me I was beautiful and that men adored me...hee hee. She did tell me that and did want me to believe it so I wouldn't feel so bad about myself. She knew I was beating myself up and feeling very ugly. She is a smart girl.
We went to get Pho since I can't stomach real food. I ate a couple of bites and that is it. So she bought me coffee. Man cannot leave on bread alone...but woman can live on coffee! Funny girl. We even laughed a bit.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
I need snow
There is a storm coming tomorrow and I pray it will hit hard. I need the snow. It always comes when I need it. When I was a teenager, I remember the first time I needed it. I sat on the arm of the couch and watched out the window as it covered everything that was so bleak and ugly. It was as if Mother Nature was showing me how she can take a vast wasteland and make it better. It brought comfort.
Then, when the lying, cheating ex left. We had a very snowy December...snow for Christmas, for me. By then, I had grown enough in my faith to believe it was God showing me how he can make beauty from the ashes. It brought me peace.
Last year, I tell my friends, the storms were once again my fault. PJ broke my heart and the snows came. Again I felt like a child being blessed and comforted. It was as if God was telling me, you feel sad now but I can wash away your pain and make it beautiful again. There is so much out there for you. It brought me hope.
So now, here I am without comfort, peace or hope. Feeling like I brought everything on myself. I've made the bleak mess of the world that I see outside my window. And, we are expecting 5". I hope it's more. I really hope it's enough to shut the city down. I need it. I need to feel that God is showing me, that despite the mess I've made, despite the void I feel having lost so much in such a short period of time, that everything will be alright. That I have my friends, I have my health and still have family. That there is beauty in the world and once again I'll be child like. I want to believe that this snow is God's way of bringing back to me me comfort, peace and hope. Cuz, I need that right now. I need my faith everwaving that it is.
Then, when the lying, cheating ex left. We had a very snowy December...snow for Christmas, for me. By then, I had grown enough in my faith to believe it was God showing me how he can make beauty from the ashes. It brought me peace.
Last year, I tell my friends, the storms were once again my fault. PJ broke my heart and the snows came. Again I felt like a child being blessed and comforted. It was as if God was telling me, you feel sad now but I can wash away your pain and make it beautiful again. There is so much out there for you. It brought me hope.
So now, here I am without comfort, peace or hope. Feeling like I brought everything on myself. I've made the bleak mess of the world that I see outside my window. And, we are expecting 5". I hope it's more. I really hope it's enough to shut the city down. I need it. I need to feel that God is showing me, that despite the mess I've made, despite the void I feel having lost so much in such a short period of time, that everything will be alright. That I have my friends, I have my health and still have family. That there is beauty in the world and once again I'll be child like. I want to believe that this snow is God's way of bringing back to me me comfort, peace and hope. Cuz, I need that right now. I need my faith everwaving that it is.
Painful
It's been a painful morning and it's only 10 a.m. My interactions with YBBK have exhausted me. He is now looking for every flaw he can find in me. I guess it is a defense mechanism to drive me from his feelings. It is killing me though. I opened up so much to him and have so much affection for him. I want to help him through this, even if it there is no chance of a future for us.
But, I'm not sure I'm strong enough. I know I'm a good person but I'm so hard on myself. Having someone else tell me/imply that I am lacking integrity and honor may be more than I can bear right now. And, more than anything, I want to fight for this relationship. I know it was right. I can still feel it was right. Could I be that wrong? Was it really not right? Was I off base in everything I saw and felt?
I've tried so hard to tune in my "picker", as I've been advised. Scrutinizing men, weeding out those who dont' have integrity or have the potential to do me harm. Being "ridiculously picky" (as Boo calls it) to prevent getting hurt. Holding off on getting physical until I'm sure of my and their affections...that's the rule I broke. I can't even figure out how, either. I just don't break that one! Not since the cheating ex, any way.
I'm not sure what to do. I've had moments where I could focus on work but for the most part, I just want to go home and cry. I may indulge myself in that. But, I know it will more likely than not be counterproductive and cause more stress later.
I want to hold him. To make him feel better. To let him crawl inside my head and heart and see what is there so he can believe in me. I haven't felt the happiness I had with him for as long as I can remember. I want him back and sadly, I believe that is the furthest thing from his desires.
But, I'm not sure I'm strong enough. I know I'm a good person but I'm so hard on myself. Having someone else tell me/imply that I am lacking integrity and honor may be more than I can bear right now. And, more than anything, I want to fight for this relationship. I know it was right. I can still feel it was right. Could I be that wrong? Was it really not right? Was I off base in everything I saw and felt?
I've tried so hard to tune in my "picker", as I've been advised. Scrutinizing men, weeding out those who dont' have integrity or have the potential to do me harm. Being "ridiculously picky" (as Boo calls it) to prevent getting hurt. Holding off on getting physical until I'm sure of my and their affections...that's the rule I broke. I can't even figure out how, either. I just don't break that one! Not since the cheating ex, any way.
I'm not sure what to do. I've had moments where I could focus on work but for the most part, I just want to go home and cry. I may indulge myself in that. But, I know it will more likely than not be counterproductive and cause more stress later.
I want to hold him. To make him feel better. To let him crawl inside my head and heart and see what is there so he can believe in me. I haven't felt the happiness I had with him for as long as I can remember. I want him back and sadly, I believe that is the furthest thing from his desires.
Face it
I think I slept a few hours, if I was lucky last night. It was awful. I prayed for healing for YBBK and forgiveness for being dishonest and hurting him. But mostly I replayed everything I've done wrong in my head over and over and over again. Not just with YBBK but with everyone in the last few years. It's rough.
I kept thinking of the comic that we went to see and how he described what women want. He was spot on. Why are we so ridiculous in our needs but I do want someone who is masculine but tender. Takes care of things but isn't controlling....and the list goes on. As I listened to him I thought, YBBK is just the perfect mix. I'm so lucky I have him. His ex was so stupid to take him for granted and hurt him the way she did.
I felt soo soo glad we got to know each other and I was enjoying his company...so much so that I got extremely insecure over the weekend. All the loss around me exasperated it. Or so I thought. Maybe it was just a premonition of what was to come. I made a conscious decision on Sunday to let go my past insecurities and just enjoy the moment. And I did it. I told myself not to take him for granted and to enjoy what we had. It was so special.
I don't think he realizes how special it was. He hasn't been dating for long and he doesn't know how bleak the dating scene is at our age. Maybe it is better for men. Maybe what I felt wasn't what he felt - kinda like your worst nightmare scenario. He certainly fooled me if that was the case. I don't want to second guess and pick apart everything. But, I probably will. I spend so much of my life taking things at face value. Loving and trusting with abandon. Missing signs I should have seen and then when my world comes crashing down, I second guess and wonder. I don't want to do that. I want to keep being a little pollyanna, but maybe that's wrong.
I don't write when I'm happy. I noticed that. So maybe that tells me that I did really immerse myself in the joy I was experiencing. I'll hold that thought tight, as I go through this time. I don't know how I'll function at work today. I still have year end reviews to get finished, goals and objectives to write, and then the normal everyday little fires. Maybe I'll get into hyperdrive and get it done. But I don't really see that happening. Last night I considered calling west coast company and resubmitting my name for the job they want me for. I think part of that is me running away but part of that is just letting go of a place that holds very little for me. I know they'll hire me if I go out there for the interview. I just don't think it is right to put their time and money on the line when I'm not emotionally set on doing this.
I should talk to my friends today but know I won't. BFE and BFF are the only ones who'll understand and I wont' be ashamed to tell of my screw up and failure. They will both love on me and try to hold me up. But right now, I just want to lie here and cry.
I kept thinking of the comic that we went to see and how he described what women want. He was spot on. Why are we so ridiculous in our needs but I do want someone who is masculine but tender. Takes care of things but isn't controlling....and the list goes on. As I listened to him I thought, YBBK is just the perfect mix. I'm so lucky I have him. His ex was so stupid to take him for granted and hurt him the way she did.
I felt soo soo glad we got to know each other and I was enjoying his company...so much so that I got extremely insecure over the weekend. All the loss around me exasperated it. Or so I thought. Maybe it was just a premonition of what was to come. I made a conscious decision on Sunday to let go my past insecurities and just enjoy the moment. And I did it. I told myself not to take him for granted and to enjoy what we had. It was so special.
I don't think he realizes how special it was. He hasn't been dating for long and he doesn't know how bleak the dating scene is at our age. Maybe it is better for men. Maybe what I felt wasn't what he felt - kinda like your worst nightmare scenario. He certainly fooled me if that was the case. I don't want to second guess and pick apart everything. But, I probably will. I spend so much of my life taking things at face value. Loving and trusting with abandon. Missing signs I should have seen and then when my world comes crashing down, I second guess and wonder. I don't want to do that. I want to keep being a little pollyanna, but maybe that's wrong.
I don't write when I'm happy. I noticed that. So maybe that tells me that I did really immerse myself in the joy I was experiencing. I'll hold that thought tight, as I go through this time. I don't know how I'll function at work today. I still have year end reviews to get finished, goals and objectives to write, and then the normal everyday little fires. Maybe I'll get into hyperdrive and get it done. But I don't really see that happening. Last night I considered calling west coast company and resubmitting my name for the job they want me for. I think part of that is me running away but part of that is just letting go of a place that holds very little for me. I know they'll hire me if I go out there for the interview. I just don't think it is right to put their time and money on the line when I'm not emotionally set on doing this.
I should talk to my friends today but know I won't. BFE and BFF are the only ones who'll understand and I wont' be ashamed to tell of my screw up and failure. They will both love on me and try to hold me up. But right now, I just want to lie here and cry.
Monday, January 24, 2011
elusive sleep
I won't be able to sleep tonight. My whole body is cold and shaking. It's not fair. I know life isn't but damn it sucks. I completely understand why YBBK is feeling this way but it kills me that he doesn't know me. I wish he could know the hurt and pain I felt when the cowardly ex cheated on me. I wish he could know that i would never intentionally inflict that pain on another. I wish he could know my heart. But he can't, so beggars have a better chance of riding.
BFE said the Big G will make it all okay. I kinda have a hard time believing that. I wish i had her faith. I wish I believed in heaven and I wish I believed that one day, I'd find happiness. I did try to hold on loosely and enjoy the feelings I had for YBBK. I don't want to regret that. I want to find hope in the fact that I found someone i could be my absolutely dorky self with. It is quite ironic - out of all the men i've met since the cowardly ex, he is the first i was 100% myself. I didn't hide. I tried not to. I got scared. I knew I cared more for him than he did me. Maybe he saw that and was afraid of it. Didn't want to hurt me anymore than he was going to. Maybe his trust is that fragile. Being as damaged by his ex as he was, I can see that. I'm so sorry I added to that wound. How can the big G make that right? How can He help to heal and clean up my mess. It sucks that I hurt someone I cared so much for. I wish I could take the pain from YBBK and carry it as my own.
If wishes were horses than beggars would ride and there wouldn't be enough fields for greens!
Tonight was supposed to be the first night I slept without soemone since Mom died. I was ready to face it until YBBK broke my heart. Now I'll try to read and fall asleep, but I doubt it will happen. The good thing about this is I already threw up. So I doubt I'll eat for a few days. That will help to combat the fat I've been packing on. Silver lining -right? Just need to search for it.
So Big G, how can you make this right? Please heal YBBK. Please know I never wanted to hurt him. If I had only known. I never want to hurt anyone like that again. Please help me to do that. And please, help to fill this horrible empty void I feel right now. I haven't felt this alone since the cowardly ex left. I guess I need to work on forgiving him, huh?
BFE said the Big G will make it all okay. I kinda have a hard time believing that. I wish i had her faith. I wish I believed in heaven and I wish I believed that one day, I'd find happiness. I did try to hold on loosely and enjoy the feelings I had for YBBK. I don't want to regret that. I want to find hope in the fact that I found someone i could be my absolutely dorky self with. It is quite ironic - out of all the men i've met since the cowardly ex, he is the first i was 100% myself. I didn't hide. I tried not to. I got scared. I knew I cared more for him than he did me. Maybe he saw that and was afraid of it. Didn't want to hurt me anymore than he was going to. Maybe his trust is that fragile. Being as damaged by his ex as he was, I can see that. I'm so sorry I added to that wound. How can the big G make that right? How can He help to heal and clean up my mess. It sucks that I hurt someone I cared so much for. I wish I could take the pain from YBBK and carry it as my own.
If wishes were horses than beggars would ride and there wouldn't be enough fields for greens!
Tonight was supposed to be the first night I slept without soemone since Mom died. I was ready to face it until YBBK broke my heart. Now I'll try to read and fall asleep, but I doubt it will happen. The good thing about this is I already threw up. So I doubt I'll eat for a few days. That will help to combat the fat I've been packing on. Silver lining -right? Just need to search for it.
So Big G, how can you make this right? Please heal YBBK. Please know I never wanted to hurt him. If I had only known. I never want to hurt anyone like that again. Please help me to do that. And please, help to fill this horrible empty void I feel right now. I haven't felt this alone since the cowardly ex left. I guess I need to work on forgiving him, huh?
dying inside
I fucked up. I can't believe I did it but I ruined the best thing I've had in a very long time. I was not forthcoming with YBBK when he asked me about a guy I knew. I was mortified when he told me he thought I was acting like i was interested in him. I wasn't in the least bit and as a result avoided talking about it. I have always worried that YBBK saw me as promiscuious becaue of the way we started out. I hate him thinking of me like that so I avoided the subject. Not that anything ever really came of the association I had with this guy and there was anything to tell. But, I was part drunk so I avoided telling him the whole truth. I could have come clean the next day, but I didn't. It's my own damn fault but it doesn't make it hurt any less.
I'm dying inside because I thought I had finally found someone I could connect with emotionally and intellectually. We had so much fun together. I absolutely adore him. I thought I was falling madly in love with him. But, it's all gone now and I can't seem to feel anything. I want my mom...not that I'd tell her probably. But just because talking to her would make me feel better.
I can't stand the thought of doing anything right now. I just want to crawl into a hole and hide. Of course I fucked it up; I seem to fuck everything up. But why this. The one thing I wanted. The one person that made me feel alive again....who was real. He's been so hurt by his ex and stupid me hurt him.
I feel awful for that. But, also feel like i"m a dummy for ever getting involved and letting someone in. Why did i feel it was so right and meant to be. I was so sure and so positive he felt the same way I do. I could forgive him for this and move on. Maybe with a little trepidation but I know I could. People make mistakes; they get scared and make mistakes.
But, I guess I was never really anything to him since he can't forgive me. This is what I get for getting drunk and having sex with him. I would have never been fooled by him and believed there was feeling there. I have no idea how I will manage to get up in the morning and go to work tomorrow. It doesn't matter. Mom is gone. Boo is moving out. Lil sis hates me. And now YBBK is gone. How did I fuck up so bad.
But I did and now I'm dying inside.
I'm dying inside because I thought I had finally found someone I could connect with emotionally and intellectually. We had so much fun together. I absolutely adore him. I thought I was falling madly in love with him. But, it's all gone now and I can't seem to feel anything. I want my mom...not that I'd tell her probably. But just because talking to her would make me feel better.
I can't stand the thought of doing anything right now. I just want to crawl into a hole and hide. Of course I fucked it up; I seem to fuck everything up. But why this. The one thing I wanted. The one person that made me feel alive again....who was real. He's been so hurt by his ex and stupid me hurt him.
I feel awful for that. But, also feel like i"m a dummy for ever getting involved and letting someone in. Why did i feel it was so right and meant to be. I was so sure and so positive he felt the same way I do. I could forgive him for this and move on. Maybe with a little trepidation but I know I could. People make mistakes; they get scared and make mistakes.
But, I guess I was never really anything to him since he can't forgive me. This is what I get for getting drunk and having sex with him. I would have never been fooled by him and believed there was feeling there. I have no idea how I will manage to get up in the morning and go to work tomorrow. It doesn't matter. Mom is gone. Boo is moving out. Lil sis hates me. And now YBBK is gone. How did I fuck up so bad.
But I did and now I'm dying inside.
A lot of Loss going on
My mom died on January 9. It's weird to write that and hard to come out and say it to people. There are some people I wanted to know and no one else had mentioned it to them, so I had to say those words. It's been a really rough thing for me. And, I've been hard on myself. You see, I know mom is resting now and in heaven (if it exists) and I should be glad her suffering is ended. But I miss her. I know it is okay to miss her and want her back but I don't know it too. I feel guilty for not having talked to her more about God...in part because I think I failed her and in part because my faith seems so weak right now. I'm questioning His existence and I don't know how to resolve that. I feel so much loss right now. It's weird, like I've entered into this "lost a parent" club. Other people who have lost one seem to come out of the woodwork to support me...people I wouldn't call "friends" but more I'm on friendly terms with them. Like many things, I guess since they have gone through it, they understand the weirdness that you feel. I'm at a loss of words to describe it. I guess that is why it seems like this secret club.
I've had a couple of other losses, too. My little sister and I had a falling out when I was up for the funeral. She's been my best friend since she was born...except for a period of time where she was mad at me and not speakign to me for some unknown reason. Italians are weird! Any way, this time she really hurt me and I'm not sure I can forgive her. There are some things you can excuse or forgive but this is something I'm not sure I can. She is being completely selfish and doesn't seem to care about anyone. I'm sure it is part of her grieving process and I'd like to give her some grace, but I'm strugglign with it. She hurt me so bad when I was already hurting. So again, more conflicted emotions going on inside me.
Finally, there is Boo going to move out on Saturday. I've been waiting for this - her growing up and getting out on her own. It's only to a college dorm but still. A huge milestone. I'm super anxious about anything Boo, of course. And, this is no exception. And, while I'm happy and relieved she'll be out on her own and (hopefully) maturing, I'm sad to loose her.
Theres' a lot of loss going on right now....Terry said this to me on Sunday. It helped me to make sense of the anxiety and overwhelming saddness I am feeling. One would expect to be sad at this time (having lost my mom) but I was sad to the point of not wanting to get out of bed or be around people...of wanting to push people away or be mean to them. A crazy reaction, especially when I know I get so much from being around others. It was killing me. I couldn't even begin to verbalize what was going on - it was like emotional chaos inside me - bouncing around. I wanted to hide from everyone. After our talk, I felt better. I at least can now define the chaos, although not sure what I'll do with it.
Things with YBBK are still going strong. He's been my rock through this thing. Part of me wants to lean heavy on him and the other part doesn't - fearing becoming attached to someone who won't be there in the long run. I'm trying to protect my heart. He's a good man - honest, caring and sweet. But, as I've learned in the past, men may seem emotionally stable or wanting the same thing I do but really not be there at all. They call women tricky but they really are the tricky ones. They bury their emotions, denying them until they come frothing to the surface,destroying everything around them. So, this week, we'll have time apart. I'm working my church's cold weather shelter for the 4th year in a row. This year I'm doing only 3 days...shortest time I've ever put in. But the group I'm in is big and we should have more than enough people. So, I don't feel (too) bad about it.
Well, this has been quite the emotional "dump". I really need to write more...except when I feel like this, it's hard.
I've had a couple of other losses, too. My little sister and I had a falling out when I was up for the funeral. She's been my best friend since she was born...except for a period of time where she was mad at me and not speakign to me for some unknown reason. Italians are weird! Any way, this time she really hurt me and I'm not sure I can forgive her. There are some things you can excuse or forgive but this is something I'm not sure I can. She is being completely selfish and doesn't seem to care about anyone. I'm sure it is part of her grieving process and I'd like to give her some grace, but I'm strugglign with it. She hurt me so bad when I was already hurting. So again, more conflicted emotions going on inside me.
Finally, there is Boo going to move out on Saturday. I've been waiting for this - her growing up and getting out on her own. It's only to a college dorm but still. A huge milestone. I'm super anxious about anything Boo, of course. And, this is no exception. And, while I'm happy and relieved she'll be out on her own and (hopefully) maturing, I'm sad to loose her.
Theres' a lot of loss going on right now....Terry said this to me on Sunday. It helped me to make sense of the anxiety and overwhelming saddness I am feeling. One would expect to be sad at this time (having lost my mom) but I was sad to the point of not wanting to get out of bed or be around people...of wanting to push people away or be mean to them. A crazy reaction, especially when I know I get so much from being around others. It was killing me. I couldn't even begin to verbalize what was going on - it was like emotional chaos inside me - bouncing around. I wanted to hide from everyone. After our talk, I felt better. I at least can now define the chaos, although not sure what I'll do with it.
Things with YBBK are still going strong. He's been my rock through this thing. Part of me wants to lean heavy on him and the other part doesn't - fearing becoming attached to someone who won't be there in the long run. I'm trying to protect my heart. He's a good man - honest, caring and sweet. But, as I've learned in the past, men may seem emotionally stable or wanting the same thing I do but really not be there at all. They call women tricky but they really are the tricky ones. They bury their emotions, denying them until they come frothing to the surface,destroying everything around them. So, this week, we'll have time apart. I'm working my church's cold weather shelter for the 4th year in a row. This year I'm doing only 3 days...shortest time I've ever put in. But the group I'm in is big and we should have more than enough people. So, I don't feel (too) bad about it.
Well, this has been quite the emotional "dump". I really need to write more...except when I feel like this, it's hard.
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