elusive sleep

I won't be able to sleep tonight.  My whole body is cold and shaking.  It's not fair.  I know life isn't but damn it sucks.  I completely understand why YBBK is feeling this way but it kills me that he doesn't know me.  I wish he could know the hurt and pain I felt when the cowardly ex cheated on me.  I wish he could know that i would never intentionally inflict that pain on another.  I wish he could know my heart.  But he can't, so beggars have a better chance of riding.

BFE said the Big G will make it all okay.  I kinda have a hard time believing that.  I wish i had her faith.  I wish I believed in heaven and I wish I believed that one day, I'd find happiness.  I did try to hold on loosely and enjoy the feelings I had for YBBK.  I don't want to regret that.  I want to find hope in the fact that I found someone i could be my absolutely dorky self with.  It is quite ironic - out of all the men i've met since the cowardly ex, he is the first i was 100% myself.  I didn't hide.  I tried not to.  I got scared.  I knew I cared more for him than he did me.  Maybe he saw that and was afraid of it.  Didn't want to hurt me anymore than he was going to.  Maybe his trust is that fragile.  Being as damaged by his ex as he was, I can see that.  I'm so sorry I added to that wound.  How can the big G make that right?  How can He help to heal and clean up my mess.  It sucks that I hurt someone I cared so much for.  I wish I could take the pain from YBBK and carry it as my own. 

If wishes were horses than beggars would ride and there wouldn't be enough fields for greens!

Tonight was supposed to be the first night I slept without soemone since Mom died.  I was ready to face it until YBBK broke my heart.  Now I'll try to read and fall asleep, but I doubt it will happen.  The good thing about this is I already threw up.  So I doubt I'll eat for a few days.  That will help to combat the fat I've been packing on.  Silver lining -right?  Just need to search for it.

So Big G, how can you make this right?  Please heal YBBK.  Please know I never wanted to hurt him.  If I had only known.  I never want to hurt anyone like that again.  Please help me to do that.  And please, help to fill this horrible empty void I feel right now.  I haven't felt this alone since the cowardly ex left.  I guess I need to work on forgiving him, huh?