dying inside

I fucked up.  I can't believe I did it but I ruined the best thing I've had in a very long time.  I was not forthcoming with YBBK when he asked me about a guy I knew.  I was mortified when he told me he thought I was acting like i was interested in him.  I wasn't in the least bit and as a result avoided talking about it.  I have always worried that YBBK saw me as promiscuious becaue of the way we started out.  I hate him thinking of me like that so I avoided the subject.  Not that anything ever really came of the association I had with this guy and there was anything to tell.  But, I was part drunk so I avoided telling him the whole truth.  I could have come clean the next day, but I didn't.  It's my own damn fault but it doesn't make it hurt any less. 

I'm dying inside because I thought I had finally found someone I could connect with emotionally and intellectually. We had so much fun together.  I absolutely adore him.  I thought I was falling madly in love with him.  But, it's all gone now and I can't seem to feel anything.  I want my  mom...not that I'd tell her probably.  But just because talking to her would make me feel better. 

I can't stand the thought of doing anything right now.  I just want to crawl into a hole and hide.  Of course I fucked it up; I seem to fuck everything up.  But why this.  The one thing I wanted.  The one person that made me feel alive again....who was real.  He's been so hurt by his ex and stupid me hurt him. 

I feel awful for that.  But, also feel like i"m a dummy for ever getting involved and letting someone in.  Why did i feel it was so right and meant to be.  I was so sure and so positive he felt the same way I do.  I could forgive him for this and move on.  Maybe with a little trepidation but I know I could.  People make mistakes; they get scared and make mistakes. 

But, I guess I was never really anything to him since he can't forgive me.  This is what I get for getting drunk and having sex with him.  I would have never been fooled by him and believed there was feeling there.    I have no idea how I will manage to get up in the morning and go to work tomorrow.  It doesn't matter.  Mom is gone.  Boo is moving out.  Lil sis hates me.  And now YBBK is gone.  How did I fuck up so bad.

But I did and now I'm dying inside.